catknit

I wanted to just clarify I am not laughing at the situation or the OP - I know this is hard stuff on the personal level...
I mentioned chuckling in a previous post.
I just found it amusing that there are people [in this case some Indian men] that don't realize how much the match up with the stereotypical BS that others try so hard to fight.
The "I am NOT a momma's boy" argument followed up with pressing their mom's legs. Or, the whole car-dowry thing. Seriously, that's been played out to the nth degree, even making the front pages of the Times of India and Hindustan Times [the 2 big national daily newspapers]. Many of the issues the OP speaks falls in line with the issues most Indian wives [or probably more accurately wives of Indian men regardless of their culture] find themselves dealing with...
An example, if we moved back to my husband's state, I would be living in a joint household. Simple as that. I know that for a fact. Now, if we decided to move back due to a work commitment in another city/area - we would live alone but probably in a place where his mom could live with us as needed [maybe months at a time, who knows]. I know this is part of the deal and have been ok with it from the get go because I knew it could happen. Does that have me hopping up and down with joy? Hells no. Is that a sacrifice I would make for him, yes. Just like him moving here to be with me...
Guess what else, I make him a cup of tea every day at 3:30. Really. Is this some sort of brainwashing? No, it's because at home that's when his mom makes afternoon tea or the tea-dude would walk the halls at work. He appreciates it, gives a true and honest thanks and it's become a part of our day.
Is this how I thought married life would be? Nope. Have I been converted into some sort of weird domestic slave - no.
I guess what I've been trying to say this whole time is the OP appears to be in a pretty typical American to Indian marriage and all the lumps and bumps that can go with it. Her husband tends toward the more traditional end. But, it may get better with some work. That said, it may not too - that's up to them and I hope she has the strength and courage to do what needs to be done for her happiness - which ever way it goes...

Rlogan - I completely agree that you can't hide behind bad historical practices but some people can't get up to speed all at once...and I think there are aspects to him that she sincerely and truly loves. I think she even admitted to looking for a partner based on being Indian or of Indian descent...
But, there's a sort of trick to melding two very different cultures - will it sink in that he will loose her if he keeps his comfortable traditions??? Hopefully that will be the proverbial kick in the pants. But, he may play that right back at her too - the whole "well you knew how I was raised and now you want me to change everything or I loose you".
I spent close to a year in India with my husband - it strikes me from the outside as what I would have thought the US would have been like in the 1960s-1970s for women. That's just based on the struggles in the US from a historical perspective not having lived through them myself. Women are shifting from a wife/mother/care giver stance to an independent working woman and trying to balance their world. I don't think that men have an issue with it per say but more of a "holy #######, where does that leave me cause I know how my mom and dad are and this is totally not how they are!!!!"
In no way am I giving the OP's husband a pass on acting the way he is...but...I think there needs to be an outline drawn of when and how the transition into a healthy relationship both parties will enjoy will happen. A clean slate with agreements hashed out perhaps??? And, I don't discount backsliding on his part because this is the life he has lived forever.
I think she'll need to fall into more of the "putting her foot down" side of the fence. If he balks or sets off on some sort of momma-drama bender from it - it may be time to cut bait, as they say. But, I have a feeling this is more of a maturity issue on his part. Even, pre-emptive culture shock on his part...it may be totally workable, maybe not. OP is [obviously] closest to the situation and will need to hash it out on her own.
I completely get how from our outside perspective it looks insane and bizarre. [Complete side story, when living in one of the "nicer" Delhi neighborhoods, the local weekly ad-rag paper had the class schedule for not 1 but 2 "ladies schools" where wives could go to learn foreign cooking, flower arranging, and an 8 week course for new wives on hygiene and basic appearance up keep - I sooooooooo wanted to go but being a WASP from the greater NYC area my husband talked me out of it since the other ladies may get gossipy in Hindi and I wouldn't know all the juicy bits they were saying about me - if only Rosetta Stone had gossipy women talk as a chapter].
Her whole saga made me chuckle since this stuff is really and truly not unique in Desi culture. Her husband is old-school, but not head-hunter old school. Here's hoping he grows and matures in the man she deserves [and the man an awful lot of Indian guys end up being even if they do start out a little rough around the edges].

Were the trips to the UK or Canada recent? If they were, say, decades ago, maybe the CO would give that evidence less weight.
Also, would they be adverse to traveling separately? It may not be the best scenario, but I have a handful of NRI friends where only one parent successfully received a tourist visit. Over time, in some cases, both parents ended up with tourist visas.
Another thought - did they go to the interviews back-to-back-to-back? Typically, the staff [at Delhi at least] would suggest a 6 month wait between interviews. Showing up every other week or month wouldn't change their minds.
Please take this as a helpful hint and not as a judgement - having spent days on end in the Delhi consulate waiting, I watched a LOT of visa interviews. Some of the people who had problems were well dress, well spoken, obviously people with the means to travel who took to speaking to the CO in a condescending manner, throwing out comments such as "But we HAVE money - MUCH money", "I am from a PROPER family and have been all over the world, you may not deny the application". I'm not saying that's how your parents are - but if they have those leanings taking that stance at the window does not help at all.

The plain fact of the matter is that this behavior IS normal for some - not all, but enough that I personally know at least 2 guys who have pulled this kind of ####### on their Indian-born wives. For a lot of American women, they get far enough into the relationship where these things get discussed or they notice the bizarre actions of the guy and either run for it or they put their foot down.
Some men respond. Some don't.
There is nothing in her story that I haven't heard before - [even the car thing, even the friends spouting off about dowry, even the apron string issues [ESPECIALLY THIS]] - to varying degrees, across a pretty sizable amount of the socio-economic spectrum in India.
I know there are people with borderline personality disorders, narcissism, etc etc out there - but I have seen and heard so much of this soooooooooo many time with Indian men in their 20s [especially mid to late 20s, some even early 30s]. So much so, that if all of these Indian men truly have these disorders, WHO should be doing a study!!! It's got to be environmental - hence cultural. Being a boy growing up in India IS all about ME, ME, ME.
Does that mean she needs to lie down and take it? No. Does it mean that all Indian guys are like that? No.
But, there really and truly is a culture component to this. Someone mentioned immediate family is only your spouse and your kids. That is not true in any South Asian community/country. It's just not. Parents and siblings [especially to the eldest son] will ALWAYS be immediate family also. This is ingrained in the culture. You can argue all you want about how it shouldn't be the case, that the Bible talks about cleaving, that in this country he needs to buck up and take it like a man...but for his entire life it has been reinforced again and again that this is what family is, it's in his colony, in his village, in his extended family, reinforced on Indian tv shows, Indian cinema that living this way is perfectly normal. That's not to say that there are families that don't do this - there are, and many at that, but joint living and continuing an immediate family relationship with parents and siblings as an adult is normal there.
I think one of the sticky points in this - and I don't really know, just a guess - is that he figured it would all be fine in the end because she is of Indian heritage herself. What could be more perfect than a smart, successful American woman who "gets" Indian culture? That somehow he could say the magic words that would end up letting him have his cake and eat it too - because she "knows how it is/should be".
If she wants to continue with her marriage with out being miserable and second guessing his every move he needs to show he can keep his word. He needs be upfront and specific about how he is handling his family and not argue semantics [like with the visit topic where he argued that he didn't "agree" to her two week offer - he just chose to say nothing and that that isn't really an agreement according to his logic].
Oh, and that clingy, multiple marriage proposal asking stuff - seen it too. Some areas [geographical/social/religious] have such repressed sexual/relationship freedoms that the men are a MESS. I had to tell an NRI friend that the texts he was getting back from one chick should actually be taken literally. She was accusing him of stalking - he couldn't get why. Could NOT understand that the smothering actions, constant contact, etc was annoying to the woman he was pursuing. He was a smart guy who spent his entire life studying, testing, studying more and when in the US just didn't understand how to have a normal/everyday relationship. The thought that a girl would even let him take her to the movies was so monumental, he didn't know what to do with himself and resorted to weird clingy-ness. He was 28 at the time. Constant texting/facebook messages/ims are something my 13 year old nephew does with his "girlfriend", this guy was about the same "relationship" age.
Anyway - of the 2 guys who were like this, 1 ruined his marriage. The other grew a set, grew up and came to reasonable compromises about a lot [except his momma - Indian men and their mommas ].
Taking a step back a re-evaluating what is what may be a very smart thing to do...

Some of this is very cultural - very cultural. As it stands I think rkk1 is trying to manage a tight rope between what would seem extremely strange/bizarre to many of us not familiar with his culture and what happens every day in South Asia. I give her props for trying to make this work knowing she is trying to bridge an enormous gap.
I know many South Asian families who are beyond these things - more progressive - find dowry to be a horrible tradition, send their kids all over the world for school/work, live an almost western life style on the subcontinent. But, I know just as many who are not - most of the things she mentioned are every day lifestyle/culture issues that happen day in, day out in South Asian marriages. To have the groom be "gifted" a car in lieu of dowry is completely on the radar with some families, in some geographical areas, and in some castes...to have a manipulative momma's boy as a son is not uncommon [some would argue WAY too common ]. To try to marry up is extremely common. I had a friend in college of Indian descent who spent weeks in the temple fasting off and on for a good match - her goal [as well as her family's goal] was to marry up. There is a whole host of thousands of years of culture that play out in this type of thing.
That being said, I'd say there are some red flags too. He's going to be an outright handful to deal with. No doubt about that. But, if rkk1 has committed to this relationship and divorce is off the table [which she's mentioned before] then she needs to come up with coping strategies for these issues...

Bec_Dipu speaks the truth...you have a MASSIVE mountain to climb on this one.
Also, if your fiancee got her citizenship through her marriage - even if it was years ago - you just added another MASSIVE mountain.
In no way am I judging your relationship - you two may be soul-mates who will spend many lovely years together. But, from an outside perspective your relationship seems so non-traditional, so against the grain, so different that it would lead a CO to think fraud.
I would actively be looking for a plan B if I were you - living in India, living in the Philipines [she may have some issues marrying there though, the Philipines forum here is a good place to research that]....

Wild guess - your fiance posted the 601/212 forum?????
There are a few things that pop right out:
#1 Greater than 25 years difference - you're probably on the edge with respect to childbearing age? This will be seen as a red flag. Kids are a big deal in Indian culture - the COs know this.
#2 Recently divorced. As in VERY recently divorced. This is also considered a red flag. The CO may be curious as to why you were in a committed relationship since 2008 and only just divorced. There can sometimes be very legitimate reasons, specific divorce laws [some states have/had a 12 month separation rule, etc] or things were tangled up in court for years because of custody disputes/interesting financial situations - but as it's written in your post, it seems sketchy.
#3 Joint bank account. Even though this is great proof once married that you are comingling finances, at the "engaged" part of a relationship, this can be seen as a little suspicious. Monetary gifts may make sense to some, but to be already comingling finances would raise some eyebrows.
Go check out your fiance's post in the other forum...there is some good info there. Also, check out the interracial relationship topic in this forum.

First off - I know how much this whole thing sucks. We've been there, we survived, we're now happily settled in the US.
Certain things can't be "fixed" per say. Obviously you can't change your age. But, you can look at all the information about your case and see how you can strengthen your case...
As to whether or not using an attorney at this point makes sense - in your case, most likely not. The CO wasn't convinced that your relationship was bonafied, an attorney won't be able to fix that.
You can get in touch with the immigration liaisons for both your Congressperson and US Senator. These people will only be able to confirm that your case was sent back to USCIS. In some extraordinarily rare cases, files are kept at the embassy and a second interview is scheduled at the request of these liaisons. I can think of only 2 cases in all the years I've been on vj that succeeded in getting a second interview after a denial. But, no harm in trying...
When you case returns to USCIS chances are it will be expired out - no further action will be taken on that case. You may get letter stating just that [or you may not - VSC doesn't seem to do that]. Your options going forward would be to file a new K1 or get married and file for the CR1 [i-130]. Delhi seems to give K1 mixed race couples a harder time than CR1 applicants. My recommendation would be to marry and file the I-130 over the K1 route.
Total side note - getting married in India is a whole nother mess. You'd probably marry under the special marriage act which has a 30 day posting period. Some regional areas require both parties to register 30 days ahead of time, some regional areas allow the Indian fiance to do this on there own. This means either a long trip to India in some cases!
I personally think one of the hardest parts to this whole process is separating yourself from all the warm and fuzzy feelings you see in your relationship and look at it like a legal case. Your goal is to prove to a 3rd party suspicious government employee that this is a real and true relationship. When you have "red flags" you've just upped the ante on that legal burden.
You'll most likely want to front load your next petition [do a search here on vj for information]. This will help the second petition immensely.
And, again, my #1, numero uno tip for Delhi K1 interviews [or any case that has a messy history - which yours now does]: the USC needs to be at that interview. Be there come hell or high water. It speaks volumes to the CO and chances are you will be interviewed at the same time. Any questions can then be clarified at that time. Interactions between you and your fiance can be seen. Tricky questions about your past can be explored - like if your divorce was a mess due to custody fights...your right there to explain it.
Read the R&S's topic in this forum about inter-racial relationships, it will help you see some of the past/present issues some couples have at the Indian consulates.
If you have any additional questions - just ask! We're here to help!

An immigration attorney will not help in this matter - unless you and your fiancee feel that you can't correctly re-file or file for the CR1 [after marriage], there really isn't anything an attorney would "do" given the information provided.
I completely concur that you need to read through the post R&S linked earlier in this topic. Read it and see if there is anything about either you or your fiancee that rings true. You'll need to be able to overcome whatever hesitations the CO felt...is your soon-to-be-wife no longer of childbearing age? Was she recently divorced when you met? Did she divorce her ex during your relationship? Have there been sizable and/or frequent deposits into the shared bank account from only one party?
As shocking as this turn of events is for you, please keep in mind that this is survivable [my husband and I can attest to this]. Chances are the case will go back to USCIS and be expired out. At that point, you may refile either for another K1 or a CR1 [if married]. Delhi is notorious for being harder on mixed couples applying for a K1. I would suggest marriage and CR1 as the path going forward. You, of course, need to overcome what the "problem" was with the first case. In many cases, additional time in person helps the case immensely.
Oh, and if you are a mixed couple going through Delhi - have the USC there for the interveiw - that alone solves a lot of the "what ifs" in the COs minds. I think there is a couple on vj that even stated their 221g was thrown out since the USC was there [maybe Bec_Dipu????].

An immigration attorney will not help in this matter - unless you and your fiancee feel that you can't correctly re-file or file for the CR1 [after marriage], there really isn't anything an attorney would "do" given the information provided.
I completely concur that you need to read through the post R&S linked earlier in this topic. Read it and see if there is anything about either you or your fiancee that rings true. You'll need to be able to overcome whatever hesitations the CO felt...is your soon-to-be-wife no longer of childbearing age? Was she recently divorced when you met? Did she divorce her ex during your relationship? Have there been sizable and/or frequent deposits into the shared bank account from only one party?
As shocking as this turn of events is for you, please keep in mind that this is survivable [my husband and I can attest to this]. Chances are the case will go back to USCIS and be expired out. At that point, you may refile either for another K1 or a CR1 [if married]. Delhi is notorious for being harder on mixed couples applying for a K1. I would suggest marriage and CR1 as the path going forward. You, of course, need to overcome what the "problem" was with the first case. In many cases, additional time in person helps the case immensely.
Oh, and if you are a mixed couple going through Delhi - have the USC there for the interveiw - that alone solves a lot of the "what ifs" in the COs minds. I think there is a couple on vj that even stated their 221g was thrown out since the USC was there [maybe Bec_Dipu????].

The plain fact of the matter is that this behavior IS normal for some - not all, but enough that I personally know at least 2 guys who have pulled this kind of ####### on their Indian-born wives. For a lot of American women, they get far enough into the relationship where these things get discussed or they notice the bizarre actions of the guy and either run for it or they put their foot down.
Some men respond. Some don't.
There is nothing in her story that I haven't heard before - [even the car thing, even the friends spouting off about dowry, even the apron string issues [ESPECIALLY THIS]] - to varying degrees, across a pretty sizable amount of the socio-economic spectrum in India.
I know there are people with borderline personality disorders, narcissism, etc etc out there - but I have seen and heard so much of this soooooooooo many time with Indian men in their 20s [especially mid to late 20s, some even early 30s]. So much so, that if all of these Indian men truly have these disorders, WHO should be doing a study!!! It's got to be environmental - hence cultural. Being a boy growing up in India IS all about ME, ME, ME.
Does that mean she needs to lie down and take it? No. Does it mean that all Indian guys are like that? No.
But, there really and truly is a culture component to this. Someone mentioned immediate family is only your spouse and your kids. That is not true in any South Asian community/country. It's just not. Parents and siblings [especially to the eldest son] will ALWAYS be immediate family also. This is ingrained in the culture. You can argue all you want about how it shouldn't be the case, that the Bible talks about cleaving, that in this country he needs to buck up and take it like a man...but for his entire life it has been reinforced again and again that this is what family is, it's in his colony, in his village, in his extended family, reinforced on Indian tv shows, Indian cinema that living this way is perfectly normal. That's not to say that there are families that don't do this - there are, and many at that, but joint living and continuing an immediate family relationship with parents and siblings as an adult is normal there.
I think one of the sticky points in this - and I don't really know, just a guess - is that he figured it would all be fine in the end because she is of Indian heritage herself. What could be more perfect than a smart, successful American woman who "gets" Indian culture? That somehow he could say the magic words that would end up letting him have his cake and eat it too - because she "knows how it is/should be".
If she wants to continue with her marriage with out being miserable and second guessing his every move he needs to show he can keep his word. He needs be upfront and specific about how he is handling his family and not argue semantics [like with the visit topic where he argued that he didn't "agree" to her two week offer - he just chose to say nothing and that that isn't really an agreement according to his logic].
Oh, and that clingy, multiple marriage proposal asking stuff - seen it too. Some areas [geographical/social/religious] have such repressed sexual/relationship freedoms that the men are a MESS. I had to tell an NRI friend that the texts he was getting back from one chick should actually be taken literally. She was accusing him of stalking - he couldn't get why. Could NOT understand that the smothering actions, constant contact, etc was annoying to the woman he was pursuing. He was a smart guy who spent his entire life studying, testing, studying more and when in the US just didn't understand how to have a normal/everyday relationship. The thought that a girl would even let him take her to the movies was so monumental, he didn't know what to do with himself and resorted to weird clingy-ness. He was 28 at the time. Constant texting/facebook messages/ims are something my 13 year old nephew does with his "girlfriend", this guy was about the same "relationship" age.
Anyway - of the 2 guys who were like this, 1 ruined his marriage. The other grew a set, grew up and came to reasonable compromises about a lot [except his momma - Indian men and their mommas ].
Taking a step back a re-evaluating what is what may be a very smart thing to do...

I wanted to just clarify I am not laughing at the situation or the OP - I know this is hard stuff on the personal level...
I mentioned chuckling in a previous post.
I just found it amusing that there are people [in this case some Indian men] that don't realize how much the match up with the stereotypical BS that others try so hard to fight.
The "I am NOT a momma's boy" argument followed up with pressing their mom's legs. Or, the whole car-dowry thing. Seriously, that's been played out to the nth degree, even making the front pages of the Times of India and Hindustan Times [the 2 big national daily newspapers]. Many of the issues the OP speaks falls in line with the issues most Indian wives [or probably more accurately wives of Indian men regardless of their culture] find themselves dealing with...
An example, if we moved back to my husband's state, I would be living in a joint household. Simple as that. I know that for a fact. Now, if we decided to move back due to a work commitment in another city/area - we would live alone but probably in a place where his mom could live with us as needed [maybe months at a time, who knows]. I know this is part of the deal and have been ok with it from the get go because I knew it could happen. Does that have me hopping up and down with joy? Hells no. Is that a sacrifice I would make for him, yes. Just like him moving here to be with me...
Guess what else, I make him a cup of tea every day at 3:30. Really. Is this some sort of brainwashing? No, it's because at home that's when his mom makes afternoon tea or the tea-dude would walk the halls at work. He appreciates it, gives a true and honest thanks and it's become a part of our day.
Is this how I thought married life would be? Nope. Have I been converted into some sort of weird domestic slave - no.
I guess what I've been trying to say this whole time is the OP appears to be in a pretty typical American to Indian marriage and all the lumps and bumps that can go with it. Her husband tends toward the more traditional end. But, it may get better with some work. That said, it may not too - that's up to them and I hope she has the strength and courage to do what needs to be done for her happiness - which ever way it goes...

The plain fact of the matter is that this behavior IS normal for some - not all, but enough that I personally know at least 2 guys who have pulled this kind of ####### on their Indian-born wives. For a lot of American women, they get far enough into the relationship where these things get discussed or they notice the bizarre actions of the guy and either run for it or they put their foot down.
Some men respond. Some don't.
There is nothing in her story that I haven't heard before - [even the car thing, even the friends spouting off about dowry, even the apron string issues [ESPECIALLY THIS]] - to varying degrees, across a pretty sizable amount of the socio-economic spectrum in India.
I know there are people with borderline personality disorders, narcissism, etc etc out there - but I have seen and heard so much of this soooooooooo many time with Indian men in their 20s [especially mid to late 20s, some even early 30s]. So much so, that if all of these Indian men truly have these disorders, WHO should be doing a study!!! It's got to be environmental - hence cultural. Being a boy growing up in India IS all about ME, ME, ME.
Does that mean she needs to lie down and take it? No. Does it mean that all Indian guys are like that? No.
But, there really and truly is a culture component to this. Someone mentioned immediate family is only your spouse and your kids. That is not true in any South Asian community/country. It's just not. Parents and siblings [especially to the eldest son] will ALWAYS be immediate family also. This is ingrained in the culture. You can argue all you want about how it shouldn't be the case, that the Bible talks about cleaving, that in this country he needs to buck up and take it like a man...but for his entire life it has been reinforced again and again that this is what family is, it's in his colony, in his village, in his extended family, reinforced on Indian tv shows, Indian cinema that living this way is perfectly normal. That's not to say that there are families that don't do this - there are, and many at that, but joint living and continuing an immediate family relationship with parents and siblings as an adult is normal there.
I think one of the sticky points in this - and I don't really know, just a guess - is that he figured it would all be fine in the end because she is of Indian heritage herself. What could be more perfect than a smart, successful American woman who "gets" Indian culture? That somehow he could say the magic words that would end up letting him have his cake and eat it too - because she "knows how it is/should be".
If she wants to continue with her marriage with out being miserable and second guessing his every move he needs to show he can keep his word. He needs be upfront and specific about how he is handling his family and not argue semantics [like with the visit topic where he argued that he didn't "agree" to her two week offer - he just chose to say nothing and that that isn't really an agreement according to his logic].
Oh, and that clingy, multiple marriage proposal asking stuff - seen it too. Some areas [geographical/social/religious] have such repressed sexual/relationship freedoms that the men are a MESS. I had to tell an NRI friend that the texts he was getting back from one chick should actually be taken literally. She was accusing him of stalking - he couldn't get why. Could NOT understand that the smothering actions, constant contact, etc was annoying to the woman he was pursuing. He was a smart guy who spent his entire life studying, testing, studying more and when in the US just didn't understand how to have a normal/everyday relationship. The thought that a girl would even let him take her to the movies was so monumental, he didn't know what to do with himself and resorted to weird clingy-ness. He was 28 at the time. Constant texting/facebook messages/ims are something my 13 year old nephew does with his "girlfriend", this guy was about the same "relationship" age.
Anyway - of the 2 guys who were like this, 1 ruined his marriage. The other grew a set, grew up and came to reasonable compromises about a lot [except his momma - Indian men and their mommas ].
Taking a step back a re-evaluating what is what may be a very smart thing to do...

The plain fact of the matter is that this behavior IS normal for some - not all, but enough that I personally know at least 2 guys who have pulled this kind of ####### on their Indian-born wives. For a lot of American women, they get far enough into the relationship where these things get discussed or they notice the bizarre actions of the guy and either run for it or they put their foot down.
Some men respond. Some don't.
There is nothing in her story that I haven't heard before - [even the car thing, even the friends spouting off about dowry, even the apron string issues [ESPECIALLY THIS]] - to varying degrees, across a pretty sizable amount of the socio-economic spectrum in India.
I know there are people with borderline personality disorders, narcissism, etc etc out there - but I have seen and heard so much of this soooooooooo many time with Indian men in their 20s [especially mid to late 20s, some even early 30s]. So much so, that if all of these Indian men truly have these disorders, WHO should be doing a study!!! It's got to be environmental - hence cultural. Being a boy growing up in India IS all about ME, ME, ME.
Does that mean she needs to lie down and take it? No. Does it mean that all Indian guys are like that? No.
But, there really and truly is a culture component to this. Someone mentioned immediate family is only your spouse and your kids. That is not true in any South Asian community/country. It's just not. Parents and siblings [especially to the eldest son] will ALWAYS be immediate family also. This is ingrained in the culture. You can argue all you want about how it shouldn't be the case, that the Bible talks about cleaving, that in this country he needs to buck up and take it like a man...but for his entire life it has been reinforced again and again that this is what family is, it's in his colony, in his village, in his extended family, reinforced on Indian tv shows, Indian cinema that living this way is perfectly normal. That's not to say that there are families that don't do this - there are, and many at that, but joint living and continuing an immediate family relationship with parents and siblings as an adult is normal there.
I think one of the sticky points in this - and I don't really know, just a guess - is that he figured it would all be fine in the end because she is of Indian heritage herself. What could be more perfect than a smart, successful American woman who "gets" Indian culture? That somehow he could say the magic words that would end up letting him have his cake and eat it too - because she "knows how it is/should be".
If she wants to continue with her marriage with out being miserable and second guessing his every move he needs to show he can keep his word. He needs be upfront and specific about how he is handling his family and not argue semantics [like with the visit topic where he argued that he didn't "agree" to her two week offer - he just chose to say nothing and that that isn't really an agreement according to his logic].
Oh, and that clingy, multiple marriage proposal asking stuff - seen it too. Some areas [geographical/social/religious] have such repressed sexual/relationship freedoms that the men are a MESS. I had to tell an NRI friend that the texts he was getting back from one chick should actually be taken literally. She was accusing him of stalking - he couldn't get why. Could NOT understand that the smothering actions, constant contact, etc was annoying to the woman he was pursuing. He was a smart guy who spent his entire life studying, testing, studying more and when in the US just didn't understand how to have a normal/everyday relationship. The thought that a girl would even let him take her to the movies was so monumental, he didn't know what to do with himself and resorted to weird clingy-ness. He was 28 at the time. Constant texting/facebook messages/ims are something my 13 year old nephew does with his "girlfriend", this guy was about the same "relationship" age.
Anyway - of the 2 guys who were like this, 1 ruined his marriage. The other grew a set, grew up and came to reasonable compromises about a lot [except his momma - Indian men and their mommas ].
Taking a step back a re-evaluating what is what may be a very smart thing to do...

I wanted to just clarify I am not laughing at the situation or the OP - I know this is hard stuff on the personal level...
I mentioned chuckling in a previous post.
I just found it amusing that there are people [in this case some Indian men] that don't realize how much the match up with the stereotypical BS that others try so hard to fight.
The "I am NOT a momma's boy" argument followed up with pressing their mom's legs. Or, the whole car-dowry thing. Seriously, that's been played out to the nth degree, even making the front pages of the Times of India and Hindustan Times [the 2 big national daily newspapers]. Many of the issues the OP speaks falls in line with the issues most Indian wives [or probably more accurately wives of Indian men regardless of their culture] find themselves dealing with...
An example, if we moved back to my husband's state, I would be living in a joint household. Simple as that. I know that for a fact. Now, if we decided to move back due to a work commitment in another city/area - we would live alone but probably in a place where his mom could live with us as needed [maybe months at a time, who knows]. I know this is part of the deal and have been ok with it from the get go because I knew it could happen. Does that have me hopping up and down with joy? Hells no. Is that a sacrifice I would make for him, yes. Just like him moving here to be with me...
Guess what else, I make him a cup of tea every day at 3:30. Really. Is this some sort of brainwashing? No, it's because at home that's when his mom makes afternoon tea or the tea-dude would walk the halls at work. He appreciates it, gives a true and honest thanks and it's become a part of our day.
Is this how I thought married life would be? Nope. Have I been converted into some sort of weird domestic slave - no.
I guess what I've been trying to say this whole time is the OP appears to be in a pretty typical American to Indian marriage and all the lumps and bumps that can go with it. Her husband tends toward the more traditional end. But, it may get better with some work. That said, it may not too - that's up to them and I hope she has the strength and courage to do what needs to be done for her happiness - which ever way it goes...

Rlogan - I completely agree that you can't hide behind bad historical practices but some people can't get up to speed all at once...and I think there are aspects to him that she sincerely and truly loves. I think she even admitted to looking for a partner based on being Indian or of Indian descent...
But, there's a sort of trick to melding two very different cultures - will it sink in that he will loose her if he keeps his comfortable traditions??? Hopefully that will be the proverbial kick in the pants. But, he may play that right back at her too - the whole "well you knew how I was raised and now you want me to change everything or I loose you".
I spent close to a year in India with my husband - it strikes me from the outside as what I would have thought the US would have been like in the 1960s-1970s for women. That's just based on the struggles in the US from a historical perspective not having lived through them myself. Women are shifting from a wife/mother/care giver stance to an independent working woman and trying to balance their world. I don't think that men have an issue with it per say but more of a "holy #######, where does that leave me cause I know how my mom and dad are and this is totally not how they are!!!!"
In no way am I giving the OP's husband a pass on acting the way he is...but...I think there needs to be an outline drawn of when and how the transition into a healthy relationship both parties will enjoy will happen. A clean slate with agreements hashed out perhaps??? And, I don't discount backsliding on his part because this is the life he has lived forever.
I think she'll need to fall into more of the "putting her foot down" side of the fence. If he balks or sets off on some sort of momma-drama bender from it - it may be time to cut bait, as they say. But, I have a feeling this is more of a maturity issue on his part. Even, pre-emptive culture shock on his part...it may be totally workable, maybe not. OP is [obviously] closest to the situation and will need to hash it out on her own.
I completely get how from our outside perspective it looks insane and bizarre. [Complete side story, when living in one of the "nicer" Delhi neighborhoods, the local weekly ad-rag paper had the class schedule for not 1 but 2 "ladies schools" where wives could go to learn foreign cooking, flower arranging, and an 8 week course for new wives on hygiene and basic appearance up keep - I sooooooooo wanted to go but being a WASP from the greater NYC area my husband talked me out of it since the other ladies may get gossipy in Hindi and I wouldn't know all the juicy bits they were saying about me - if only Rosetta Stone had gossipy women talk as a chapter].
Her whole saga made me chuckle since this stuff is really and truly not unique in Desi culture. Her husband is old-school, but not head-hunter old school. Here's hoping he grows and matures in the man she deserves [and the man an awful lot of Indian guys end up being even if they do start out a little rough around the edges].

The plain fact of the matter is that this behavior IS normal for some - not all, but enough that I personally know at least 2 guys who have pulled this kind of ####### on their Indian-born wives. For a lot of American women, they get far enough into the relationship where these things get discussed or they notice the bizarre actions of the guy and either run for it or they put their foot down.
Some men respond. Some don't.
There is nothing in her story that I haven't heard before - [even the car thing, even the friends spouting off about dowry, even the apron string issues [ESPECIALLY THIS]] - to varying degrees, across a pretty sizable amount of the socio-economic spectrum in India.
I know there are people with borderline personality disorders, narcissism, etc etc out there - but I have seen and heard so much of this soooooooooo many time with Indian men in their 20s [especially mid to late 20s, some even early 30s]. So much so, that if all of these Indian men truly have these disorders, WHO should be doing a study!!! It's got to be environmental - hence cultural. Being a boy growing up in India IS all about ME, ME, ME.
Does that mean she needs to lie down and take it? No. Does it mean that all Indian guys are like that? No.
But, there really and truly is a culture component to this. Someone mentioned immediate family is only your spouse and your kids. That is not true in any South Asian community/country. It's just not. Parents and siblings [especially to the eldest son] will ALWAYS be immediate family also. This is ingrained in the culture. You can argue all you want about how it shouldn't be the case, that the Bible talks about cleaving, that in this country he needs to buck up and take it like a man...but for his entire life it has been reinforced again and again that this is what family is, it's in his colony, in his village, in his extended family, reinforced on Indian tv shows, Indian cinema that living this way is perfectly normal. That's not to say that there are families that don't do this - there are, and many at that, but joint living and continuing an immediate family relationship with parents and siblings as an adult is normal there.
I think one of the sticky points in this - and I don't really know, just a guess - is that he figured it would all be fine in the end because she is of Indian heritage herself. What could be more perfect than a smart, successful American woman who "gets" Indian culture? That somehow he could say the magic words that would end up letting him have his cake and eat it too - because she "knows how it is/should be".
If she wants to continue with her marriage with out being miserable and second guessing his every move he needs to show he can keep his word. He needs be upfront and specific about how he is handling his family and not argue semantics [like with the visit topic where he argued that he didn't "agree" to her two week offer - he just chose to say nothing and that that isn't really an agreement according to his logic].
Oh, and that clingy, multiple marriage proposal asking stuff - seen it too. Some areas [geographical/social/religious] have such repressed sexual/relationship freedoms that the men are a MESS. I had to tell an NRI friend that the texts he was getting back from one chick should actually be taken literally. She was accusing him of stalking - he couldn't get why. Could NOT understand that the smothering actions, constant contact, etc was annoying to the woman he was pursuing. He was a smart guy who spent his entire life studying, testing, studying more and when in the US just didn't understand how to have a normal/everyday relationship. The thought that a girl would even let him take her to the movies was so monumental, he didn't know what to do with himself and resorted to weird clingy-ness. He was 28 at the time. Constant texting/facebook messages/ims are something my 13 year old nephew does with his "girlfriend", this guy was about the same "relationship" age.
Anyway - of the 2 guys who were like this, 1 ruined his marriage. The other grew a set, grew up and came to reasonable compromises about a lot [except his momma - Indian men and their mommas ].
Taking a step back a re-evaluating what is what may be a very smart thing to do...

Some of this is very cultural - very cultural. As it stands I think rkk1 is trying to manage a tight rope between what would seem extremely strange/bizarre to many of us not familiar with his culture and what happens every day in South Asia. I give her props for trying to make this work knowing she is trying to bridge an enormous gap.
I know many South Asian families who are beyond these things - more progressive - find dowry to be a horrible tradition, send their kids all over the world for school/work, live an almost western life style on the subcontinent. But, I know just as many who are not - most of the things she mentioned are every day lifestyle/culture issues that happen day in, day out in South Asian marriages. To have the groom be "gifted" a car in lieu of dowry is completely on the radar with some families, in some geographical areas, and in some castes...to have a manipulative momma's boy as a son is not uncommon [some would argue WAY too common ]. To try to marry up is extremely common. I had a friend in college of Indian descent who spent weeks in the temple fasting off and on for a good match - her goal [as well as her family's goal] was to marry up. There is a whole host of thousands of years of culture that play out in this type of thing.
That being said, I'd say there are some red flags too. He's going to be an outright handful to deal with. No doubt about that. But, if rkk1 has committed to this relationship and divorce is off the table [which she's mentioned before] then she needs to come up with coping strategies for these issues...

Some of this is very cultural - very cultural. As it stands I think rkk1 is trying to manage a tight rope between what would seem extremely strange/bizarre to many of us not familiar with his culture and what happens every day in South Asia. I give her props for trying to make this work knowing she is trying to bridge an enormous gap.
I know many South Asian families who are beyond these things - more progressive - find dowry to be a horrible tradition, send their kids all over the world for school/work, live an almost western life style on the subcontinent. But, I know just as many who are not - most of the things she mentioned are every day lifestyle/culture issues that happen day in, day out in South Asian marriages. To have the groom be "gifted" a car in lieu of dowry is completely on the radar with some families, in some geographical areas, and in some castes...to have a manipulative momma's boy as a son is not uncommon [some would argue WAY too common ]. To try to marry up is extremely common. I had a friend in college of Indian descent who spent weeks in the temple fasting off and on for a good match - her goal [as well as her family's goal] was to marry up. There is a whole host of thousands of years of culture that play out in this type of thing.
That being said, I'd say there are some red flags too. He's going to be an outright handful to deal with. No doubt about that. But, if rkk1 has committed to this relationship and divorce is off the table [which she's mentioned before] then she needs to come up with coping strategies for these issues...

A short update: The calls have tapered off to just once or twice a week now. What I did was had my family get more involved with some things. My Dad took her out to teach her how to drive, while I was at work. My mom took her to some museums and site seeing a couple weekends, while my son had wrestling tournament's. My sister took her out clothes shopping a few evening while I took the kids to practice's. We also just started her a LLC here, so that she can bill the company she and her brother own back in Greece, for consulting work. We're starting renovations on the house the first week of April to convert the study into an office for her, adding a bigger walk in closet in our bedroom, re-decorating the guest bedroom so that it's more convenient for when her family comes to visit and changing all of the carpets in the house and new tile in the bathroom's and kitchen. This way she can put her own personal stamp on the house. So now, when she talks to her family, she tells of all the things she's been doing and the changes she is making to the house here. So with all this stuff going on that she wants to share with them, it dominates the direction of the phone calls, rather than the theme of missing. I think that these few things have helped to ease their worries/ concerns about her "new life" in America.

From how I read it - the kids are from both an egg donor and a sperm donor. So, from a genetic standpoint, the kids are not hers.
However, there are no additional hoops to jump through for a US-based USC establishing parentage for the same situation.
If you go through IVF here with donated eggs and sperm (separately) OR by getting an embryo donated from a family that had - for lack of a better word - leftovers, to the best of my knowledge there are no additional legal hoops to proclaim the resulting child[ren]of the infertile/carrying parent their legal children.
What USCIS/DOS is doing is legally correct - the resulting children in this case are neither "of blood" or of land for a USC claim. But, they are completely and legally the children of a USC otherwise. A family/immigration attorney would need to chime in but I don't think there is any way to legally adopt children who are already yours in the scope of every other part of law.
What I find interesting is the fact the IVF or the old school "test tube baby" is now older technology - 30+ years I think. That it hasn't made an impact in immigration law is interesting to me.
Also, as I said in my first post, I am beyond shocked no-one has figured out a way to profit off of this - fertility issues are pretty common, estimated at 1:10 here in the US. I'm not sure a married couple would forego a kid with both parents' DNA contributing to the mix just for a USC claim but for a family with fertility issues knowing they are going to need one donor or another and knowing you can add into the mix USC - there are some developing nations with growing economies that have people who have means to pay for something like this [bRIC countries come to mind]. Why not get your long awaited kid plus Dual Citizenship?

Methinks someone could open a USC sperm bank in many nations, make a ton of money, and avoid the visa issues needed for the baby-birthing tourism business....

Methinks someone could open a USC sperm bank in many nations, make a ton of money, and avoid the visa issues needed for the baby-birthing tourism business....

Watch Monsoon Wedding - the story is almost identical [no pregnancy though].....
It's going to be up to you to decide - though relationship counseling isn't always regarded as a normal way to deal with things in desi communities, maybe a few sessions can give you some clarity on what happened/is happening. Also, if she has a few mental issues, it may help her get the help she needs and explain to you her actions.

He's being one heck of a manipulative piece of work!
My suggestion, and seriously keep in mind I am just a stranger on the internet....
You love him, he loves you, he loves his momma [classic indian guy trait - I know of non-indian wives who play the "me or your mom" game which involves scenarios of who he would rescue from a fire first, if the car flew off a bridge whose seatbelt would he go for first, etc etc - boggles my mind and reminds me why therapists make so much money]. This is a manageable issue - you may not be in love with handling it, but it's manageable.
#1 - he's paying for a bigger place. No ifs, ands, or buts. Plus, until you're done with residency/fellowships/etc, he's following your career around the country and renting/leasing where you chose.
#2 - Does he get what the USMLE is like? Or being a doc in the US? Your career comes first [even if to you it doesn't] because he's relocating here.
#3 - You're going to be working 70-80+ hour weeks for quite a few years. Worrying about potential family time may not be a huge issue. Worrying about sleep and studying may be a huge issue. Bizarre consolation prize - you may keep the same jetlag hours as his parents depending on your work schedule.
Where this whole plan falls apart is if he's a doc too - but then he'll feel the wrath of both the USMLEs as well as residency etc.
#4 - When you finally settle down from your education - you get to pick the house plans that include an all inclusive inlaw suite. Or, you get a duplex, or you get 2 co-ops in the same building next to each other on his dime - depending on your lifestyle choice. The day will come when they can't travel any longer or they will no longer be of this world - if you have the inlaw suite, it can be converted into a nanny suite. A duplex can be rented. The second co-op, rented or reno'd into a single larger co-op. It would be modified joint living to some indian families. To others, having multiple flats in the same building IS joint living. This would be your concession point.