It seems far too wordy and emotional to me - I realise that of course it's mainly emotion based for you, but that won't get you a waiver. You need to give facts about the hardship and evidence to support that. So shorten it down, focus on the financial/medical hardship to the USC etc, and provide evidence of that to support your claim.
If you can get a lawyer to help you with the application, I would.
Best of luck.