Jtreason

2 hours ago, MorganandMichael said:

I’m going to preface all of this by saying that while I find it rather unpleasant to be talking about another woman’s personal intimate life so casually with strangers on here, I feel I need so say something because a lot of what I’ve read in this thread is appalling, even bordering on being suggestive of coercing sex acts.
 

There are countless reasons under the sun this could be happening. So many reasons.

 

OP, have you actually tried sitting down and having a respectful, empathetic conversation with your wife about this? And I don’t mean a conversation framed around why you aren’t receiving sex, but around how your wife is feeling and why she doesn’t feel comfortable being intimate right now?

 

I can absolutely promise you that if someone is feeling uncomfortable about intimacy for any reason, applying pressure to that person and acting like they owe you something is not going to yield positive results. Not to mention, it’s just sort of a skeevy thing to do to, especially someone you love and cherish like your partner.

 

Has she had an okay time adjusting to her life in the U.S.? You mention she has no family and can’t drive. Does she have any friends? Hobbies? Is she enjoying her self? Depression can decimate your libido, sap your energy and make so many things difficult. It is unfortunately all too common for new arrivals in the US to feel a culture shock and go through a hard time with that. People who have been on this forum for a while should know this, I’m surprised it hasn’t come up yet. It could absolutely be an explanation for why things changed shortly after her arrival here. No need to jump to the most cynical of conclusions.

 

Have you shared with her your concern about her not finding you attractive? I know you said a spouse can’t just tell their partner something like that but honestly... being able to have sensitive conversations about things like that is a sign of a healthy relationship. But if you haven’t even asked her about it, it’s possible that may not be the issue at all. 
 

Bottom line, please just talk to your wife. Even if the conversation leads to a confirmation that the relationship just isn’t working out and should dissolve, I do think you BOTH deserve to have your concerns brought up respectfully and honestly.

 

I do believe that sex is an important part of a relationship and being on the same page regarding intimacy is vital. But communication missing from a relationship is always much more detrimental than sex missing from one.

I understand that it's unpleasant to be speaking with strangers about my sex life. However, at least for me, I can be a bit more honest online with strangers because nobody knows me. I couldn't have the same conversation with co workers or neighbors. I figured I would get more honest and broad advice by coming on here. 

In the past, I've tried doing the cheesy things that someone mentioned. I bought flowers, did all the chores, made surprise dinner etc. At the end, it was draining. I think that's what emasculated me the most. Doing all these things to try to win some sex that oh by the way, I never got.  We have discussed it in the past several times. I've heard excuses like she's tired, wasn't in the mood, or didn't think the timing is right. Before she came here, we would have sex without discussion or arguing. I've since stopped bringing it up and the last time we had a conversation about it was last year. That's why I'm here seeking answers.

You're right that new immigrants here have trouble adjusting here and that's why I figured this would be the best place for advice. The average american doesn't understand how to adjust to life as an immigrant. They don't understand that living in a new place could lead to depression. I posted my problem on a  popular relationship forum and 100% of the advice I received was to divorce her immediately. That might be the correct answer to the issue but I just wanted to make sure I exhausted all avenues before going that route. The main theme I got was that she was in this for a green card. 

And no, I haven't asked her if she found me attractive. To me, that's a sign of weakness on my end. For one, I feel like she would never had slept with me in the beginning if I wasn't somewhat attractive. Also, in my daily life and work, I talk to enough women to know that I wouldn't have trouble hooking up with someone if I was about that life. I've never had trouble with women before I met my wife. I don't need to ask her if I'm attractive because I know what I am. 

I'm not saying I'm perfect because no man is. What I'm saying is that I don't feel like I have to jump through all these hoops to get sex. I'm still a man deep down. My stuff still gets hard if I see an attractive woman. Being married doesn't change that. I find it funny how some of the responses want me to suppress who I am as a man because maybe she is uncomfortable. Anyway, I thank everyone for the advice. We'll try couples therapy the beginning of the year and if it didn't work, I'll divorce her and move on. I don't know what flipped in my head but at this point, I feel like I don't even want to sleep with her now. The disrespect has went on for too long and it turns me off just thinking about it.

2 minutes ago, JeanneAdil said:

I think you know things yourself 

like any little thoughts of her using you for a green card before she came?

things seem to slip out and people "in love "  ignore the signs till they are too far into the process (or marriage) to quit

like did she "concentrate on the approval of the visa when you chatted?" and forget romance before she came

did she have a lot of "friends"  on social media?

old bf's that she doesn't forget?

does she spend a lot of time now on cell phone and social media talking and sharing photos of herself to friends you don't know?

is she extravagant with money:?

does all her money go back to her family and not shared with you?  as you say she works

I can answer your questions. She is on Facebook but doesn't post very often. I'm not in her Facebook. No pictures of us together. I just didn't think that was a big deal since she doesn't post much on there anyway. 

I wouldn't say that she focused too much on the approval but I will say that she's put more effort in the visa process than our sex life.

She's not extravagant with money but she doesn't make a ton to begin with. She pays one utility and I cover everything else. I know she sends money home but I don't monitor that since she has her own account that I don't have or need access to. 

13 minutes ago, JeanneAdil said:

Because he has not mentioned talking to her and know what the issues are and he says in all other respects she is good

for me personally and this is very personal my late husband abondoned sex for several years and i tried and guessed about everything

and August 15th 2007 he walked into the living room and said "i can not pee" 

he died September 30th (a month and a half later) of  prostrate cancer /  otherwise the problem of no sex was medical 

and he being a very English prudish man,  he didn't tell me 

 

 

I'm sorry to hear about that. I don't think it's a physical issue. I could be wrong but I feel she isn't interested or attracted to me. It's hard to get a fair answer to that since nobody can really tell their spouse that they aren't attractive.

5 minutes ago, Orangesapples said:

I understand. However, this doesn't seem to be an issue due to cultural clash. It's a run of the mill issue that many couples experience. If you want to work on your marriage, then try marriage counseling. If you want to gently let her go, tell her so and make sure that she knows what to do about her immigration. If you two get separated while she's doing ROC, she needs to switch to a divorce waiver. If ROC is approved as a joint petition while you two are divorcing, this could be a big problem for her down the road. So make sure she knows this. Give her all the evidence she needs to gather. Maybe tell her to come here to ask her own questions about immigration, so that her status is not in jeopardy. 

I'll look into those things. I have no idea how divorce and her process will work. If she didn't sleep with me because she's using me, she may already have other plans anyway if I decide to pull the carpet. At this point, I don't think I care if she stays in the country or leaves. I just want to be happy

37 minutes ago, Eric-Pris said:

4 years?  It should've been over in 6 months.  Butting off sex is the biggest sign of a scammer to me.  By now, she probably thinks that you're ok with it or that you're a sucker and she can continue to live the good life without having to do it (just saying "having to do it" makes me sick, that a man would let a woman treat him this way).  She was interested in sex before the marriage and even after up until she came to the US.  First thing that comes to mind is that she's not into you and just using you to make a life for herself.  Yes, she has her green card and she could have left already, but like you said, you pay all the bills and she putting away her money.  Why would she leave?  She is cared and provided for so no rent, no bills, etc.  At some point, when she has enough saved, she'll leave but you don't want to wait that long.  

 

If she is using you, then therapy is just a waste of time and money.  Also, would you want to be in a marriage with somebody who doesn't want to be intimate with you and only does it to avoid divorce?  I wouldn't.  As for your guilt for a divorce, that's what makes you a good person that you have empathy, but don't let that sit in the way of YOUR happiness.  You have one life, don't waste it worrying over her well-being, it sounds like she doesn't care about yours. 

That's exactly how I feel. I feel used and emasculated. I fell like less of a man. I only put it out here to see if anyone went through something similar and made it through. I read about sexless marriages all the time but it's usually after several years and kids. It's usually with 2 US born partners. I don't know if I'm not being patient enough or giving her all the chances she needs before I end it

Just now, Orangesapples said:

Not doing something is not "treating someone" in any way. She's not obligated to do something she doesn't want to. It doesn't mean she's a scammer. He's not owed intimacy. They're just having marriage problems that are outside of the scope of this forum. 

I understand what you're saying. I only posted here since I feel like we are in a unique position to have married spouses from other countries. A lot of people I know in real life would have told me to leave her years ago but they are also not the type to marry someone not born here. I figured I could get a different perspective her since it takes a certain level of patience when bring in a relationship like this. 

1 hour ago, Timona said:

I have read this story before. Same story, about a wife from Ethiopia who loved sex up until marriage and petion was about to be approved. It's either you or someone else posted it. If it's someone else, then it's a surprising coincidence about ladies from Ethiopia. 

 

My advise...tell her you're divorcing and she should start planning on taking care of herself and move out of the shared house immediately after that discussion and go on and enjoy life. You won't get any lost time back. Out of courtesy, pay rent for like 3 months after you move out. Thereafter, it'll be on her to pay.

Thanks for the advice. I should have been clear about our living situation. I own this home and I owned it before we got married. I don't know what legal entitlement she has to my home and if I would need to rent her an apartment if we divorce. Am I legally obligated to do that? Luckily, we have no children and no shared property. 

I hope this is the correct place to put this but I figured I would get the best help here since I've learned a lot reading this forum. I need some advice. I met my wife online in 2015 and brought her to the US via the k1 visa in 2016. October marks 4 years that we've been living together and married. 

We have a sexless marriage. She had no problem sleeping with me before she came but the sex died off a few months after she got here. As of now, the last time we had sex was October 2019 and I initiated. We've probably had sex 10-15 times since we've been together. At this point, I don't even know if I want to sleep with her. So many times I used to ask for sex but she would make an excuse. For a while, I didn't feel like a man. We have no children together. We used to talk about having kids before she came but now we don't even bring it up. 

She's an attractive woman and although I'm not the best looking man, I feel like I deserve better than this. I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life. She is 30 and I'm in my late 30s. Outside of sex, we have no issues. She works and saves and I cover the bills. She's from Ethiopia. We don't fight. We do hug and kiss but it doesn't go past that. She almost feels like a sister at this point. I get upset in the mornings when she is getting ready and has the nerve to walk around barely naked. 

With all that being said, I need advice to be free of this woman so I can move on. She has her green card but it expired earlier this year. She was granted an extension since we sent in her application to remove conditions earlier this year. I expect her to get a new green card once the process is finished sometime next year. She has no family in this country and I know she won't return to her home country. She depends on me for everything. She doesn't even drive. Whenever I try to think of ways to end things, I feel cruel because I know she has no place to go here. I wish I could get her to leave me. At least that would make me feel better. I feel like I'm being held back in life. Sex is natural for couples and I don't feel like I should be denied that. Sorry for venting but I need help on the easiest way to divorce this woman and get her out of my life. I can't live like this no more because I'm losing time I won't get back. I do love her but it feels like we are brother and sister. Thanks for any help.