Beauty for Ashes

yeah, my husband's putting in the last few hours of his 60 hour work week as i type this, and i can't help but think how much more effort he'd put into it if only i myself were moroccan too...
you're quite the anthropologist here!

I'm sorry this happened to you but you must know that you were treated this way because you were never meant to be a permanent wife. It's cold I know but if a man truly wants you to be his wife he wouldn't have treated you that way. I'm sorry you got involved with such a bad person and family.

Only YOU can make the decision about what you are are going to do... The visa journey is much different than post greencard and post citizenship..
If you do not have alot of money in the bank or a house that can be attached, you do not have much to lose. However, my advice for anyone with a lot of assets is that they get a pre nuptual or a post nuptual agreement protecting assets in the event of a split. It can help the homeowner alot to keep property separate.. There are some of these relationships that will work but there are also a lot of younger men who will pretend to be in love to get the hell out of a bad situation. This is the reality and the reason for the high AP and long waits at these embassies. They see things we dont see. Returning US petitioned spouses returning to petition Moroccan and Algerian wives after they have naturalised and they know culturally what is going on , often more than we do.. My spouse was NOT put through AP. I wish he would have been so that I could have been spared alot of what he did. My present boyfriend, also Algerian was petitioned by a US wife in 2008. She had no idea culturally what to expect and literally threw away his greencard when it arrived and would not give him any of his immigration papers. Its not always the immigrant who is bad. Its also the petitioners who sometimes act like they are buying a puppy, not getting married. I see things from both sides and the only real warning I have is asset protection. If you do not have any assets nor will you inherit them, you have nothing to lose. However for example. if you have a house in Florida, your foreign born spouse gets rights under the Florida Homestead Law which is a 25000 off the tax exemption. I was unable to see my house or refinance when I was married without my husbands permission I had a substantial amount of equity and I was told by two attorneys that he had rights to a percentage of how much my house was worth upon marriage till we divorced and he ( my ex) knew that as well and when I told him I wanted a divorce he told me I wont give you one and Ill take your house if you dont help me finish my papers.I literally was forced to stay married two years legally past the point I wanted to over money. If I had a pre nuptual this would not have happened. But I never imagined the father of my child and man I fought so hard for would ever hurt me...
Its been 10 months since I got divorced and I have dated two people since I got divorced..One for about 2 weeks and then three months later I met my boyfriend. He has been the biggest help in getting over this because the experience was so horrible and so painful, I carried a lot of pain inside and started questioning my whole life... The one thing is that this guy ALREADY has papers and hes one year younger and I know when we are together that he needs nothing from me except my presence..Had I NOT married my husband and gone through what I went through I would have never met him and both he and I went through our own private hells, Me with an Algerian and him with an American. Which to me is crazy irony! I just advise anyone with assets to make sure they protect them. I did not and it caused me alot of problems when I wanted to leave the relationship. I only had an 11 year difference and still was able to have children but I was unaware of the depth of what was going to happen once he got here. It was a holy hellish night mare from the week he got off the plane until I was able to get rid of him..

Only YOU can make the decision about what you are are going to do... The visa journey is much different than post greencard and post citizenship..
If you do not have alot of money in the bank or a house that can be attached, you do not have much to lose. However, my advice for anyone with a lot of assets is that they get a pre nuptual or a post nuptual agreement protecting assets in the event of a split. It can help the homeowner alot to keep property separate.. There are some of these relationships that will work but there are also a lot of younger men who will pretend to be in love to get the hell out of a bad situation. This is the reality and the reason for the high AP and long waits at these embassies. They see things we dont see. Returning US petitioned spouses returning to petition Moroccan and Algerian wives after they have naturalised and they know culturally what is going on , often more than we do.. My spouse was NOT put through AP. I wish he would have been so that I could have been spared alot of what he did. My present boyfriend, also Algerian was petitioned by a US wife in 2008. She had no idea culturally what to expect and literally threw away his greencard when it arrived and would not give him any of his immigration papers. Its not always the immigrant who is bad. Its also the petitioners who sometimes act like they are buying a puppy, not getting married. I see things from both sides and the only real warning I have is asset protection. If you do not have any assets nor will you inherit them, you have nothing to lose. However for example. if you have a house in Florida, your foreign born spouse gets rights under the Florida Homestead Law which is a 25000 off the tax exemption. I was unable to see my house or refinance when I was married without my husbands permission I had a substantial amount of equity and I was told by two attorneys that he had rights to a percentage of how much my house was worth upon marriage till we divorced and he ( my ex) knew that as well and when I told him I wanted a divorce he told me I wont give you one and Ill take your house if you dont help me finish my papers.I literally was forced to stay married two years legally past the point I wanted to over money. If I had a pre nuptual this would not have happened. But I never imagined the father of my child and man I fought so hard for would ever hurt me...
Its been 10 months since I got divorced and I have dated two people since I got divorced..One for about 2 weeks and then three months later I met my boyfriend. He has been the biggest help in getting over this because the experience was so horrible and so painful, I carried a lot of pain inside and started questioning my whole life... The one thing is that this guy ALREADY has papers and hes one year younger and I know when we are together that he needs nothing from me except my presence..Had I NOT married my husband and gone through what I went through I would have never met him and both he and I went through our own private hells, Me with an Algerian and him with an American. Which to me is crazy irony! I just advise anyone with assets to make sure they protect them. I did not and it caused me alot of problems when I wanted to leave the relationship. I only had an 11 year difference and still was able to have children but I was unaware of the depth of what was going to happen once he got here. It was a holy hellish night mare from the week he got off the plane until I was able to get rid of him..

Only YOU can make the decision about what you are are going to do... The visa journey is much different than post greencard and post citizenship..
If you do not have alot of money in the bank or a house that can be attached, you do not have much to lose. However, my advice for anyone with a lot of assets is that they get a pre nuptual or a post nuptual agreement protecting assets in the event of a split. It can help the homeowner alot to keep property separate.. There are some of these relationships that will work but there are also a lot of younger men who will pretend to be in love to get the hell out of a bad situation. This is the reality and the reason for the high AP and long waits at these embassies. They see things we dont see. Returning US petitioned spouses returning to petition Moroccan and Algerian wives after they have naturalised and they know culturally what is going on , often more than we do.. My spouse was NOT put through AP. I wish he would have been so that I could have been spared alot of what he did. My present boyfriend, also Algerian was petitioned by a US wife in 2008. She had no idea culturally what to expect and literally threw away his greencard when it arrived and would not give him any of his immigration papers. Its not always the immigrant who is bad. Its also the petitioners who sometimes act like they are buying a puppy, not getting married. I see things from both sides and the only real warning I have is asset protection. If you do not have any assets nor will you inherit them, you have nothing to lose. However for example. if you have a house in Florida, your foreign born spouse gets rights under the Florida Homestead Law which is a 25000 off the tax exemption. I was unable to see my house or refinance when I was married without my husbands permission I had a substantial amount of equity and I was told by two attorneys that he had rights to a percentage of how much my house was worth upon marriage till we divorced and he ( my ex) knew that as well and when I told him I wanted a divorce he told me I wont give you one and Ill take your house if you dont help me finish my papers.I literally was forced to stay married two years legally past the point I wanted to over money. If I had a pre nuptual this would not have happened. But I never imagined the father of my child and man I fought so hard for would ever hurt me...
Its been 10 months since I got divorced and I have dated two people since I got divorced..One for about 2 weeks and then three months later I met my boyfriend. He has been the biggest help in getting over this because the experience was so horrible and so painful, I carried a lot of pain inside and started questioning my whole life... The one thing is that this guy ALREADY has papers and hes one year younger and I know when we are together that he needs nothing from me except my presence..Had I NOT married my husband and gone through what I went through I would have never met him and both he and I went through our own private hells, Me with an Algerian and him with an American. Which to me is crazy irony! I just advise anyone with assets to make sure they protect them. I did not and it caused me alot of problems when I wanted to leave the relationship. I only had an 11 year difference and still was able to have children but I was unaware of the depth of what was going to happen once he got here. It was a holy hellish night mare from the week he got off the plane until I was able to get rid of him..

I had a really bad experience marrying someone younger than me for more than one reason. 18 years is a crazy age difference and as time goes by its going to matter more and more. I ended up divorcing him 6 years after we married and at first it was just awful. About 3 months later, I was in home depot and met a guy who smiled at me..Well guess what? He is from ALGERIA and has his papers LOL...and is one year younger. He married an American woman and it did not work out and left her.. Which to me is just incredible irony. We have been living together for about 5 months and hes everything the guy I married was not.
Personally, I would NEVER recommend marrying with such a huge age difference,especially someone that young. But if you are happy and he is happy and you can survive it if it does not last, go ahead. You never get a second chance to start all over and even though my experience was really hard, I learned alot and if every single thing had not happened EXACTLY the way it happened. I would never have met the wonderful man I am with . He is from the far east of Algeria and is very simple. My ex was flashy and Orani, total opposites. I cannot say that I could have EVER predicted I would meet an Algerian in home depot and we would end up living together but it happened.. So for all the pain I went through getting used for a greencard and passport and hurt so badly, I ended up ok.
You jump in. You hope for the best. You figure out a way to emotionally survive if he leaves you.
And then you wait for interesting things to happen, because they always do LOL

I had a really bad experience marrying someone younger than me for more than one reason. 18 years is a crazy age difference and as time goes by its going to matter more and more. I ended up divorcing him 6 years after we married and at first it was just awful. About 3 months later, I was in home depot and met a guy who smiled at me..Well guess what? He is from ALGERIA and has his papers LOL...and is one year younger. He married an American woman and it did not work out and left her.. Which to me is just incredible irony. We have been living together for about 5 months and hes everything the guy I married was not.
Personally, I would NEVER recommend marrying with such a huge age difference,especially someone that young. But if you are happy and he is happy and you can survive it if it does not last, go ahead. You never get a second chance to start all over and even though my experience was really hard, I learned alot and if every single thing had not happened EXACTLY the way it happened. I would never have met the wonderful man I am with . He is from the far east of Algeria and is very simple. My ex was flashy and Orani, total opposites. I cannot say that I could have EVER predicted I would meet an Algerian in home depot and we would end up living together but it happened.. So for all the pain I went through getting used for a greencard and passport and hurt so badly, I ended up ok.
You jump in. You hope for the best. You figure out a way to emotionally survive if he leaves you.
And then you wait for interesting things to happen, because they always do LOL

I had a really bad experience marrying someone younger than me for more than one reason. 18 years is a crazy age difference and as time goes by its going to matter more and more. I ended up divorcing him 6 years after we married and at first it was just awful. About 3 months later, I was in home depot and met a guy who smiled at me..Well guess what? He is from ALGERIA and has his papers LOL...and is one year younger. He married an American woman and it did not work out and left her.. Which to me is just incredible irony. We have been living together for about 5 months and hes everything the guy I married was not.
Personally, I would NEVER recommend marrying with such a huge age difference,especially someone that young. But if you are happy and he is happy and you can survive it if it does not last, go ahead. You never get a second chance to start all over and even though my experience was really hard, I learned alot and if every single thing had not happened EXACTLY the way it happened. I would never have met the wonderful man I am with . He is from the far east of Algeria and is very simple. My ex was flashy and Orani, total opposites. I cannot say that I could have EVER predicted I would meet an Algerian in home depot and we would end up living together but it happened.. So for all the pain I went through getting used for a greencard and passport and hurt so badly, I ended up ok.
You jump in. You hope for the best. You figure out a way to emotionally survive if he leaves you.
And then you wait for interesting things to happen, because they always do LOL

Exactly....if you are a victim of someones 5 year plan you can relate.
Before , it was so cute I was chubby,now I am just a big fat pig
Before , age was just a number, when you got your greencard, I became an old hag and you wanted someone younger than you
When you were back home and hungry and dreaming about America, I was wonderful. When you got here and met up with other people from back home who married for papers and threw the Americans away when you got what you wanted, you compare note about how to do it the most affectively
Majid, you arent going to get any sympathy here. If I had a dollar for every guy who was divorced from an American who was an alcoholic, I d be a millionaire. Its called dehumanization. When you are preparing to discard someone who did everything to get you here, provided 3 years tax returns and had to fight like hell to get you here, you are going to have to come up with a doozy. Do yourself a favor and tell her the truth. Tell her you dont like her drinking and that its a deal breaker. And while you are at it, tell her you want a divorce and that you will remove conditions on your own.
Just my opinion... I dont feel sorry for you at all nor do I feel sorry for alot of the guys who pull this on American women. Leave her and go remove conditions alone.. be honest with her and she most likely will give you the docs to do so and move on
Exactly

Congratulations!

Well I'm going to be in the minority here....I believe that everyone has their own way of dealing with relationship breakups, abuse, etc. Some people can shrug them off and move on, others need to talk about it as in therapy to understand and get past it and forget about it, some never really forget about it.....but that doesn't mean they can't move on and into friendships or a healthy relationship at some point. Everyone is different and for some, "taking time" means more sitting around dwelling on it, trying to make sense out of it, and more feeling sorry for yourself. Meeting people and getting out socially can make that person feel good about themselves again. Having someone to talk to, laugh with, share thoughts with.... Life is too short for so much sadness. I say enjoy your new friend and find some happiness again

We are taking it extremely slow.
We REALLY enjoy each others company. Hes been in the US like 15 years and has 2 kids. He makes me happy. And he likes me for me. And I am ALOT more broken than he is but because hes been through something similar with someone from his OWN COUNTRY ( He was used for papers by someone who did not really love him but just wanted to adjust her status) he understands the hurt I feel. He had come here on the lottery and she was over here on a tourist visa and he married her so she could adjust and she had kids with him and literally, she would tell people.. I just married him to stay in the country. So it happens to people FROM MOROCCO too. Its not just Americans who get victimised. He is truly one of the sweetest people I have met in years. We are taking things super slow and YES I have issues from what happened to me. But its nice to be with someone who is not constantly running me down and making me feel like #######. I am very attracted to people from that part of the world ( kind of against my will frankly) but ironically he is very attracted to Americans and we just kind of fit.. in a weird way. It may go absolutely no where but its nice for someone to grab me, kiss me and mean it when they call me habiba
There aint NOTHING like a good Moroccan man. Say what you will but I have been around them for years and seriously, a good moroccan man is just a gift from heaven! I have super good friends from there and when you have a really good moroccan man, you see heaven! I love moroccan people.. and when you get a sweet one, a really good friend, they are passionate, alive and affectionate. The hell I lived with with my ex and thinking about the years I lost putting up with his greencard using #### just makes me throw up in my mouth. I am so glad that all his nonsense did not make me hate men and want to live in a house with 30 cats. I am still alive and yes, kisses still feel good. And yes, I kissed him. I kissed him and kissed him and we ate amazing food and we had fun. HOORAY!

I agree... and its not just me that is damaged !
Just being single ,I am meeting some hot mess men out here! I dont know if even having a "type" is the greatest idea LOL...
Is it ok to admit this #######? I think I feel bad about ADMITTING that I would like to have something resembling a satisfying relationship...Its like wanting to be96 pounds when you are 150 or wanting a new car when you can barely afford the car you have...
Is it ok to long for normality? For intimacy? To have faith that things will improve? Isnt there a fine line between being realistic and being a dreamer?

If you cant serve him, you can always publish. I think you should not worry about being vindictive. I think you should worry more about just getting divorced. You can always write a letter to USCIS saying that he did whatever he did.. bla bla bla. But the reality is that being vindictive usually doesnt work and its that behavior that may have contributed to how nasty he is being right now as well. Try being nice and saying we need to just get divorced.. If he doesnt, you can publish on grounds of abandonment and just let the marriage go. It sounds like you still love him enough to be pissed and you arent really thinking about extricating yourself as much as just hounding him. He doesnt want to be with you anymore.. and my guess is that he already knows he can remove conditions without you and has moved on with his life and really doesnt care about your threats. He probably has someone else in the other state he is in or whatever place he is in and isnt really caring what you do at this point. Thats why you just need to do what you have to do go on. At least you dont have kids with him trying to track him down for child support. My advice? Just move on and dont worry about kicking him out of the usa and all that jive

I think it's pretty awesome you are getting your groove back. Life is too short. If it feels right then you are ready jmo. I know I'm in the minority here.
However, what Lisa said about that poem is legit, too.

Why the qualifier? Stating it in such a way goes quite beyond "preference", so be sure to fly your freak flags proudly!

There aint NOTHING like a good Moroccan man. Say what you will but I have been around them for years and seriously, a good moroccan man is just a gift from heaven!
yep, we have had our differences in the past beauty for ashes, but this is the one thing I strongly agree with you on. There is something special about a good loving man from Morocco, I am very blessed to have found one, not just any man, but a devoted man to his wife, family and God.

My girlfriend married a Moroccan man from the US-- great great guy, surpasses most men I've met in my life. I like life a bit more on the wild side so I had to go Egyptian.

You do not offend meI don't think you are caustic. I have no idea whether you were used for papers or have been through any of the things that I have been through but for whatever reason, you felt compelled to write me. Its a hell of a lot easier to judge me than to understand that I want to be happy again. I think seriously my ex and his mother would have been happy had I died of respiratory arrest and been able to liquidate my assets and take money from my kids. The two of them were seriously twisted pieces of ###### and when my ex's older brother died 2 days before he got his citizenship, which he forced me to file for him under threat of going after my house, it was ME who held him and wiped his tears and helped make sure he ate.I literally had to hold on to my house, my money and my life with both hands. I married a con artist and a sociopath. Getting used for papers was the least of my problems. My ex had schizophrenia and I think his family was thrilled to ship him here to the US and get him out from under their feet. When I got my divorce papers last month and got my house back 100 percent in my name, it was as if a million pounds lifted off of my shoulders.
I have been happy to spend ANY happy time with friends and experience ANYTHING new. I spent 5 years without my hand being held, without my hair being stroked and for whatever reason, my family did not have the balls to stand up to him and his nonsense. It wasnt until I just decided that I was going to get safe that I was able to make the bold moves I needed to make to make sure my money and my house was safe.
Sometimes the things that people write are in a way cautionary tales. I used to warn women against marrying guys from North Africa because the majority of these marriages in my opinion end up in divorce and the men marry women from back home. But after watching what happened to me and how little it actually had to do with nationality and more to do with not actually knowing my ex before committing myself financially to him, I decided that talking about what happened and talking about my GOOD experiences with people from over there and YES I have plenty of good stories to relate would be a hell of a lot more healing to me.
I can wait to love again when I am not sick but I am always cycling between sick and well because of the auto immune. I was well for a month and was in the hospital Friday for 12 hours. The guy I like has very bad diabetes and has health issues as well so he empathizes with me. We talk we laugh. We might very well NOT be a couple. And thats perfectly ok. I want to be happy. I want to like people from over there again like I did for 5 years before I met my ex. I want to continue to travel. I am planning on going to Morocco sometime this year. My daughter is Moroccan. I don't want to be miserable and bitter. I dont want to be unhappy and I cant wait to be well, because it might never happen. I might very well drift in and out of illness until I die. But I can make the choice to be happy. I am going to make that choice. I loved my ex very very very very very much and he wasn't ALWAYS hurting me. But he did waste a huge chunk of my life and I don't want him to be a part of my collective memory. I want to see other things, other people, hear other songs and not live in the sadness...I don't want to be bitter. I am willing to drop the baggage off on the curb. But what happened DID happen to me and my poor choice of marrying someone I did not know DID have horrible consequences for me financially. I talk on here to my friends because I wanted them to know what I was up to. I am taking care of myself. I have cut my hair and colored it. I wear makeup now and I am trying to take care of myself. I am reading books I didnt have time for and watching movies I needed to watch.
I am looking for sunnier skies and I decided that each day better be fruitful! I wasted a hell of a lot of time with square pegs thats for damn sure

I agree... and its not just me that is damaged !
Just being single ,I am meeting some hot mess men out here! I dont know if even having a "type" is the greatest idea LOL...
Is it ok to admit this #######? I think I feel bad about ADMITTING that I would like to have something resembling a satisfying relationship...Its like wanting to be96 pounds when you are 150 or wanting a new car when you can barely afford the car you have...
Is it ok to long for normality? For intimacy? To have faith that things will improve? Isnt there a fine line between being realistic and being a dreamer?

she wants her own baby...u stalled on her ead and you spooked her when u wouldnt help her w fertility....i smell vawa a thousand miles away

I agree... and its not just me that is damaged !
Just being single ,I am meeting some hot mess men out here! I dont know if even having a "type" is the greatest idea LOL...
Is it ok to admit this #######? I think I feel bad about ADMITTING that I would like to have something resembling a satisfying relationship...Its like wanting to be96 pounds when you are 150 or wanting a new car when you can barely afford the car you have...
Is it ok to long for normality? For intimacy? To have faith that things will improve? Isnt there a fine line between being realistic and being a dreamer?

The ocean.
The fresh produce within walking distance of home.
The fresh seafood within walking distance of home.
The ability to choose parts of Moroccan and parts of American culture and live in the way I want to that is also acceptable to the majority of society.
The connectedness with people.
The respect people have for elders.
The way children take care of parents in old age.
That even people who have next to nothing themselves can still be seen giving a dirham to a beggar with a blessing.
The communal eating style.
The freshness of the bread.
The hospitality lavished on guests.
The feeling of being in a room with all women and that intimacy that comes from it.
The shared experience of a nation fasting.
The constant reminder of the divine with the call to prayer.
The white tombs on the side of the road.
The greeting of one another with kisses or touching one's heart.
Watching grown men embrace, walk down the street arm in arm, or laugh unabashedly like children.
Old men with cell phones in their jellaba caps.
People's willingness to get to know a stranger.
Hospitality and charity as a form of worship.
Children still playing in the streets.
Children growing up and having a great childhood without hundreds of toys or gadgets.
The crowded mass of humanity at souk or in old parts of the medina at night.
Work meetings at cafes.
Living somewhere with the privilege of being able to interact comfortably with people from all walks of life from the most impoverished to the most elite.
The architecture.
Getting lost in an old medina.
The rich history.
Talking to older people about the past and their memories.
Multilingualism, code-switching, and conversations in multiple languages.
Getting to know "my shopkeeper," "my butcher," "my baker," "my chicken guy," "my cafe guy," "my juice guy...."
Public transportation.
Seeing things that are handmade on such a regular basis.
Being able to see artisans on a daily basis and purchase what they make for practical purposes.
Taking naps after lunch.
Not needing to plan to spend the night places but being able to just stay with friends whenever with no problem.
Being able to get things fixed easily and inexpensively.
5 dirham DVDs/cds.
Being able to have serious conversations with people on such a regular basis.
Traveling inexpensively.
The slower pace of life.
Cheap healthcare.
Being able to shop on credit (I rarely did it, and only really if they couldn't make change for a large bill, but just that you could do it was incredible)
I typed all this without stopping to think. I could go on. I miss it every day. I think I was there too long...

I have to commend you for being honest and recognizing that perhaps uprooting your child was a selfish move.
Whether or not the child has an Egyptian father, Egypt isn't and hasn't been her home. Personally, I don't believe pursuing yet another marriage is good enough reason to uproot a child. I would take Nola123's comments to heart and really think about how moving your child to a foreign environment could affect her well being.

I have 2 autoimmune diseases and I know from experience how much they can suck the life out of you, physically, and emotionally. Between the pain and exhaustion you endure on a daily basis, the damn meds and in my case even chemotherapy for my disease, most days you don't want to get out of bed, let alone deal with such an emotional divorce. I divorced my first husband about a year after I was diagnosed and it was just pure torture. I am in a wonderful marriage now, with a pretty amazing guy, but it took a long time to be able to move forward with my life. In the end I can say that I am more happy than I have ever been. Happier even though I no longer own my own home, and I have far less financially. But you know the old saying "money can't buy you happiness"..such a cliche' but oh so true. Once your divorce is final and a little time has passed you will be OK. I wish you the best as you start this new chapter in your life, things will be better for you.