AvaAdore

I want to thank every one here who has helped me. Which is 99.9% of the people who have responded. You are all wonderful, and I wish you all the very best
Heartbroken, but at least I won't be a punching bag to someone who claimed I was his "twinflame". I'm so angry, so sad, so lost...never before have I hurt so much.

Thanks for caring, I wish several blessings your way. But to be honest, the fact he said "this makes me want to smack you" cannot be love. It's sickness. And I have myself to blame for staying with him so long and ignoring the red flags. But I loved. Now I don't know how to deal with this..it ails me so much and I am withering in pain as I just arrived at work.

Dearest Ava,
You seem so lovely and I understand how love can be blinding. But please do not go to the US, even to assess the situation. I would advise you to stay away from this guy even if he were in your own country. He does not treat you well in any manner! Someone who really loved you would never portray the behaviors this man does. Please don't invest any more of your time, money, and especially not your heart in this selfish man. It will only end badly.
I wish you the best & please keep us updated on your decision. <3

Saddly this is very true. I went into my first marriage with this mindset, that I could make him what I wanted him to be versus realizing that he wasn't really anything I wanted from even a friend. But I thought he could be changed and that he could become something else, a "better version" of himself that people would always tote around and say. Either way, no he stayed the same, we got married, had a child and the marriage was toxic. Divorcing was the single best choice we ever made in our relationship.
My fiance is though, everything I ever did want. I wouldn't want him to change for anything because he's perfect to me how he is, his flaws are minor and not a make or break. He feels the same about me as well. Every relationship will have bumps but generally if you're with the right person, those bumps will never hit even close to the "maybe we shouldn't be together" territory.

I don't believe that you'll find anyone that believes that you should give him a chance. We all know how hard this process is, and we've seen people in STABLE happy relationships end up becoming homesick after 2 weeks and no amount of love from their spouse was enough to keep them in a place they hated.

DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE that you would not want your future children to marry If you had a daughter and she told you about her boyfriend and said all of the words you're saying to us, would you want her to be with him? Would you want her to feel that pain you're feeling?

DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE because you believe they may change after you marry them. MOST people who are pretty cruddy before marriage become even cruddier. All they have to say in their defense is "Well you married me and you know I was like this!" and then put the blame on you.

MARRY THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE -NOW- at THIS current moment in time. If they are not someone that you would want to marry NOW, do NOT marry them.

Remember, BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP can change a person for the better, MARRIAGE usually does not. If just being in a relationship and going through this process didn't make him step up, he will NOT step it up when you get married.

Some people may believe that it's easy to change a life style, but if this is how he's lived his life, how he treats those he "loves" and the world around him, he will not change. He would have to have something incredible happen to him to make him realize that he would need to change and marrying into that would only give him justification to stay the same.
If you marry him the way he is now, you accept that, that is him and that is the person you want to marry and that everything that upsets you about him and hurts your soul and heart is okay with you. Your vows will say for better or for worse and it CAN get worse than what you're dealing with right now. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS BEHAVIOR, do not believe that you can change him, DO NOT THINK THAT ANY OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, He is who is he is, and he was like this all his life regardless of what "life stories" he may tell you. If you marry him, you marry -him-. You are not marrying what you want him to be, you are marrying him and every ill he can bring you.

You have a chance to break this vicious cycle in your life but YOU have to make it, he never will.

Dude, you know what you should do. You just don't want to do it. The only reason you're keeping this thread going is in hope that ONE person will say give him a chance. Eh yeah, good luck with that....

LOL, yep. Reminds me of lying to my parents growing up about my homework. Yeah, of course I finished it! HA!

What if it is just words? What if he's only telling you that to keep you quiet, and off his back?

What if he loses that job or hates it and quits? Do you want to be back here? And the job wasn't the only issue in the relationship. So one issue averted (for now), but what about all the others?

Do you want to marry someone who addressed your concerns with "yeah, you already told me" and ignores you to play videogames, and is perfectly fine with telling you to just live a marginal life as an illegal immigrant, who is fine with having you quit your job, uproot your life all for him and won't even consider doing the same for you because it's "hard"? Is that seriously the type of marriage and life you want? Someone who has zero respect for you?
Remember, all of this is a preview of every day for the rest of your life with this person. You have spent 3 days and countless hours pouring your heart out to complete strangers over the stuff this man is putting you through, crying your eyes out from sadness and frustration and have had 99% of people here tell you to move on, that this is a bad and maybe dangerous situation--and you're not even together yet. It only gets harder, not easier, with marriage and children. These problems will get bigger, and worse, with more serious consequences and with him in more and more control over your fate.
His unemployment is a *symptom* of a significantly greater problem. I would not get within 100 miles of this person if I were you.

Ava,
Something else to consider......You may be describing a substance abuser......Google may be your friend.
Leave this looser, he will only drag you down....And ask yourself, do you want to become like him?

You deserve better. It may hurt as hell right now but let yourself move on and if he really loves you (realizing how difficult your situation is right now) he'll be knocking on your door and will do everything to make everything ok. Do not settle for less. Remember you deserve better. Choose to be better. Best of luck Ava.

What I would do is ask him to provide proof of gainful employment. Have him scan and email you his W-2 Form he filled out for HR as well as a work verification letter from his employer. If he cannot provide those, do not believe he has a job. My guess is he is saying he has a job to get you to go to the USA on your K-1. Do not let him guilt you into "taking his word for it." He'll most likely twist words and say, "relationships are based on trust, don't you trust me?" The answer is, "No, you cannot trust him." He has already gone back on his word and has flirted with other women, betraying your trust.
Secondly, I would not go to the USA. Have him refile the K-1. If he does love you, he would do anything to have you there with him, refiling the K-1 not withstanding. By the time the second K-1 is filed, he will have at least 1 year gainful employment, which he needs anyway to prove he can support you. (He needs a tax return). If he gives up, you know he was not interested in you as a wife. It may hurt, but your heart will heal and you will be a better, wiser, and stronger woman for it.
If you truly want what I have, that is a loving marriage based on communication, love, and trust, you need to first begin with a man who will make you his world. Love just doesn't die. To keep the one you love you have to keep doing the things you did to win their heart. I never stop telling my wife I love her, even when I am mad. I never stop sending my wife little poems in the email, because she likes my poetry. I never stop texting or calling her, even if I am working, because my wife is more important than my job. It is obvious you want to make yoru fiance your world, but it's painfully apparent that he is not making you his world. Cut him loose and find a man who will appreciate you.
If he for some miracle can provide you what you ask, I would still delay the K-1 Visa and have him refile. He needs time to mature, and you need more time to think things over.

Seems the mere fact that OP is asking the question here gives the correct answer.
I can't imagine anyone of us who has gone through K1 and come here to get married asking the questions you've been asking. I know that when i travelled I had no doubts in my mind whatsoever - I'd spent the past 18 months going back and forth across the Atlantic for trips of a few weeks and couldn't think of anything else but being able to live permanently with the love of my life. My questions were all about what happens once i get here - sorting a marriage certificate, getting a drivers license, bank account, mobile phone etc.
If you even have to think about it, then the answer should be no. If you're having to ask questions on a forum like this, then even more so. Finish it and move on.
Its a really big step to leave your home, your family, your friends, your job - every part of your life - and move to a new country. If you have any doubts then the answer is no, don't do it.

Hi Ava,
I got up to page 11 and couldn't bear to read any more so I apologise if this has already been said:
If you do insist on going, even for a few weeks, please do all of us a few favours:
Keep your passport hidden, it may be unlikely but this guy seems like he could flip and maybe hide it from you so you cannot return. Save yourself the hassle.
Familiarise yourself with the local planned parenthood or if you can get an OTC morning after pill from France, get it and keep it hidden. Just in case of any mishaps. This is if you are not already on the pill.
And for what it's worth, I had a few LDRs before I met my fiance. Not one of them wanted to come and visit me, only me there. When you meet the right person, it's like waking up from a dream. When you're dreaming, you think you're awake, when you're awake, you KNOW you're awake.

Hello everyone, this is my very first post. I really need your help please. My K1 visa expires next month. I bought a plane ticket to the US, and the flight is in 2 weeks. I need to make a decision withint these 2 weeks and it is stressing me more that I have in my entire life. As a background, my visa was granted to me five months ago. My fiance (the petitioner) did not have a job at the time. However, he promised he would have one before I move to the US to be with him and start our life together. But to this day, he is still unemployed and living with his mother. This situation makes me beyond worried, not just for the AOS, but because he wants us to have a child together asap, which obviously isn't wise as there would be no income. The only person who could co-sponsor me for the AOS is his dad, but my fiance told me that he doesn't want to help us as he is worried he will be legally obliged to support me, and he doesn't want to have to do that. My fiance even suggested that I should remain in the US illegally, which hurt me to hear as he should want a legal status for me, if he truly loved me.
Should I:
1/ Stay here and not go to the US in 2 weeks. If so, will I have to start the process all over again once he finds a job?
2/ Or should I go there in 2 weeks, as planned, and hope that he gets a job within 90 days.
I really need your help...thanks so much in advance.

OMG PLEASE don't go to the US to see him. Please don't go. He is trying to pressure you into sex and getting pregnant, also known at sexual harassment and RAPE. You do not want to put yourself at risk. If he has the emotional instability you have hinted at, the anger issues and the manipulative skills it can put you in a very dangerous situation.
I think you have resolved that this relationship isn't healthy for you. You are a lovely woman, who is obviously smart, kind, motivated and compassionate.
Going to the USA will only put you in a situation where he can manipulate you, trap you and potentially rape you. Please stay safe and stay in France.
If you want to give him "one last chance" then tell him via email or skype: "I will not come to the US until you are gainfully employed for at least a month. If you decide that looking for a job is too stressful for you then me and my concerns obviously don't mean much to you. If you 'don't want to talk about it' then you are demonstrating your lack of care for me. I deserve someone who will treat me as a equal and valued person. This relationship is over."
Don't waste your hard earned money going to visit him, he is obviously not the man for you. You are worth more than his unmotivated, unemployed, uncaring, and abusive self. Please terminate the relationship and cut all ties with him. I'm scared for your safety around this boy.
Please stay safe.

he also sounds like he could be a pickup artist with the "negs" (negative things) and his notions about what women should do/be/are. google "pickup artists" or the "seduction community." here's a wikipedia article that talks some about it: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seduction_community

when you said this about the interest in serial killers, i became extremely frightened for you, along with the other stuff about him asking you if he wants to punch you...
*jumping up and down screaming* OMG OMG OMG OMG!
Love To Teach HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD--please listen to her and don't go visit this man.

I just have an issue, regarding intercourse. When I first met him I told him I wanted to wait, but he manipulated me by telling me that if I loved him, I should want this. What if he says that again? or gets passive aggressive as a result?
This is exactly the situation I was in before with an ex and I would keep saying no and he would keep coming on to me and constantly making me feel bad and then saying the exact same thing : if you love me you should want this and he would threaten to break up with me and make me feel SO guilty and even get quite aggressive.
From experience, do not do it. Under any circumstance. Do not let him take advantage of you, because you do it, and guarantee he doesn't care it's with you, he will continue to not care about you, until he wants it again.
What you're describing of this man sounds so familiar and there is definitely something wrong. It concerns me SO much when you've mentioned about the punching and the remarks he makes. I've seen it in relationships and it honestly scares me to hear that from you.
I would not bother commenting if I didn't care or didn't know. I'm saying from experience.
If he says those things and you let him take advantage of you, you're going to be more hurt but more under his spell. If he's violent, call the police. And get yourself out of there ASAP!
His behaviour is classic, textbook. Everyone on here definitely has concerns for your safety and wellbeing and the person you're supposed to be marrying doesn't. What does that say?
We have more time in our crazy lives and schedules to try to help you, and he plays video games and is disrespectful. Strangers care more about you.
I'm seriously saying prayers for you. I really hope if you go over, get yourself a hotel room and be so wary of his behaviour. Be strong and do not take any #######.
You sound like such a sweet girl and absolutely do not deserve this. If you need to go back for closure, do so but please be safe and smart.
I wanna guess that his mom doesn't have any smart input. Cos if she did she would be telling him to get off his ### and support you.
I think if you feel comfortable enough, tell your mom everything. If you trust that she will have smart advice, but I think you'll know already what she will say.
The same thing as everyone else.
Can all of us be wrong and only him be right ?
Xx

Hello AvaAdore,
I understand the love. I understand not wanting to give up. But, this guy is selfish and immature. You keep making excuses for him- he has practically tried to dump you- "I don't have the energy to do so"??? Don't go for vacation, don't go to visit. Cut him off. When he can send you proof of several consecutive months of actual employment, then maybe resume communication with him. Also, I love my children, I support them through high school, and help them when I can in college, but once they decide to marry, they are on their own, I would not sponsor a foreign fiancé for my child, I don't think what his father has done is unreasonable- in fact, his father knows him better than you do, perhaps you should follow his lead...
As several previous posters have written- run, run, RUN!!!

I don't think there is anything you can say to make someone mature when they are not ready. It sounds like he hasn't experienced very much of life yet, he has never been out on his own and is stuck at his parents' house... so perhaps he doesn't really know who he is yet, and what the role of a husband really is. The role of a husband, to most people, is to protect and provide for his wife and children. He doesn't want to protect you (by potentially allowing you to be there illegally, allowing his mother to say hurtful things about you) or provide for you (won't get a job, has nowhere suitable for you to live.) My parents always say, "you can't live on love." Money is important too.
It's really not that hard to get a job in North America, Canada's economy is worse than the U.S. right now and my last two full-time jobs I just walked in confidently and got a position the same day! And there are temporary work positions too, where you just fill out paperwork and they send you to a factory. There is honestly no excuse, except laziness. I'm so worried about you, going there and getting bullied into staying. And it is so strange that he is dismissive of your worries, when as your man he should be "your rock." What do your parents think about this whole situation?
There have been a lot of times in my life when I ignored my parents' advice, and they always turns out being right... lol
Anyway, I hope that everything works out for you, but I think that going there now would be a mistake... If you do go, please don't get bullied into marrying him! People don't usually change their personality in a few months. Good luck!!!

The more I read, the more I fear for your safety, Ava. As a professional, I cannot truly assess your fiance without a meeting to analyze him. However, from what I read from your recent comments, he sounds like a borderline sociopath. I would strongly suggest you do not meet this man. You are not a professional in psychology, you are a woman in love and your emotions can easily interfere with your better judgement, therefore you cannot assess him without bias.
You feel committed because you gave so much of your energy into the K-1 process. I am certain many couples on this site will tell you that many do not want to give up on their partners because so much time, tears and dedication was put into the process. You feel a bond with your fiance because you put so much into the relationship and the K-1 process. He does not reciprocate the same as you because he put virtually nothing into the equation. So it is natural for you to feel a strong sense of love and commitment. He knows this about you and uses it against you invoking feelings of both guilt and obligation so you stay with him. This is not a healthy relationship.
Relationships are based on communication, first and foremost. He refuses to communicate with you, worse still, refuses to initiate communication. He does this to manipulate you, whereby you communicate your thoughts and feelings, making yourself vulnerable, but he does not, keeping himself safe. This is where trust comes in...
Relationships need trust to flourish. His refusal to make himself vulnerable is a sure indication that he does not trust you or himself. You said yourself he lied, did not follow thorugh with his commitments, and even flirted with other women. Clearly he cannot be trusted to be a man of his word or faithful to you. He can apologize all he wants, but that is only to make you feel guilty. Even worse he sometimes places the reasons for his deceit on you. What a horrible thing to do!
Relationships involve sacrifice on both sides. Remember my shopping example? I hate shopping but I go with my wife because I simply enjoy being with her. I am sacrificing my enjoyment to make her happy, while enjoying the moment with her. Just to see her smile is enough to make a tedious task for me worth while. If you were to marry him, you would be sacrificing all you know to be in the USA. You would be sacrificing your comforts, your family, your friends, and your great job. He has not even appreciated what you would be giving up by at least finding a job and a place you could both live in private. He is selfish and cares not for your needs or ambitions, which brings me to my next point on relationships...
Relationships are based on love and support. You want to be able to work and drive and have all the rights and privileges afforded to a legal permanent resident of the USA. Sadly, you cannot do that without his having a decent job to make that possible. Instead, he has vehemently noted you should live as an illegal alien, he does not love you, and made it pretty clear his mother will always have a final say in your relationship. Personally, I am 44 years old and while I sometimes take my mother's advice on things, as mothers are seldom wrong, I would not let her dictate the course of mine and my wife's relationship. I am the man of my own house and I will always support and defend my wife's honor, even if my mother has something to say about her. I will always support her want to work, and I'm really trying to get her over her fear of driving so that she may experience freedom to do things without me like going out with her friends, staying late at work if she wants overtime, or even just to take a drive to relax.
Now about the intercourse matter. As I said before, DO NOT have intercourse with him. In fact, do not do anything that is intimate save for a friendly hug or kiss on the cheek as you would a friend or relative. Part of his personality he so wholeheartedly admitted is one of dominance and power. He feels he has "conquered" you mentally, so there is only one last frontier for him to conquer on you and that is your body. Do not give him that, not let him guilt you into giving him that. If he loves you he will wait until marriage. That said, do not be alone with him if you value your virtue. On a personal note, my wife never had intercourse before she met me, she prided her virginity and I understood how important it was for her to keep herself until marriage. Even when she came over on her K-1, I respected her wishes, even though we had wedding plans months later. If he loves you, he will respect your wishes. He waited this long, he can wait till marriage. If he presses the issue, leave him, as he is only interested in "conquering" you. If he gets mad or passive aggressive, leave him. This will only get worse if you are married. Sex wont make your relationship better, even if he says it will. He may say he will cheat on you if you do not give him sex, if that is the case, leave him, as he will cheat on you regardless.
Now for some advice:
In light of your new comments about him, I truly believe your fiance is a sick and dangerous individual. He shows no emotional attachment to you. He sees you as an object to conquer. He has no concern for your dreams or ambitions. He wants to control you and dominate you and manipulate you into being with him. He takes your love and commitment for granted and will continue to do so by making false promises to change. He already admitted he does not love you and he conquered you. If you go to see him, you will only reinforce his dominant will over you, and things will get worse from there, as he already displays violent tendencies towards others. He even commented about hitting you, not a good sign.
That said, I would advise postponing your trip to see him for your safety's sake. My advice is do not try to extend the K-1, let it expire and have him refile. If you want to see his true colors, see if he will do all the paperwork and fees this time. If he feels you are worth his time, love and commitment, he will have no problems doing it, as he should be bending over backwards to be with you.
However, if you do not heed my advice, please do the following:
1. Get a hotel, but do not let him know where you are staying. This is for your safety.
2. Only meet him in public places like a mall or restaurant. Do not drive with him anywhere, take a cab. (see #3).
3. If you are to go to his house, rent a car or take a cab. This way you aren't trapped there if he refuses to drive you back to town or the airport.
4. DO NOT have intercourse with him. Of course, do not be alone with him, for obvious reasons.
5. Keep your round trip ticket open-ended so you can leave at any time. It may be a bit more expensive but worth it.
6. Give your family his name and address. If you are to meet him, phone family and friends before the meeting and call them when you are back at your hotel. Let them know where you are, or where you will be each meeting. Take pictures with him and send them to your family and friends.
7. Do not spend money on him. Let him pay for your "dates."
8. Do not let him manipulate you.
9. But most of all, do not let your love for him "spark," you need to be alert and rational. Treat him as an acquaintance, and not a fiance. Why? Because he hasn't proven to you that he is fiance worthy, he is less than an acquaintance at best, right now. Do not believe him if he says he loves you. Do not believe his "nice" charade. Do not believe his sweet and tender words until he has proven the following:
A. He has a job, or has been applying for a job every day.
B. He is securing an apartment or house other than his mother's for you both to live.
C. He can make sacrifices such as: 1. waiting to have intercourse with you, 2. giving up video games for a while, 3. spending his mommy's allowance money on you and your needs instead of his.
D. He initiates communication with you before you initiate it with him.
E. He tells his mother that id he gets a job, he wont be giving her rent as his money it will be going toward his future with you.
F. He tells his mother that you are his world, that you come first, and if she does not like it, she doesn't have to be a part of his life.
You need to understand that your life is important. This man is not worth your time or energy, and there are thousands of men out there who are good men, and would do there darnest to be with you. Once again, stay in France and stay safe. God be with you.

Thanks ever so much, I am now certain I will not marry him, I am planning on getting there and see first hand how he is getting along with his job search, and if by miracle he found a job, I would re-consider this if he starts caring for me more. He once listened to some awful song that had lyrics as these "I respect your feelings as a woman", and I told him it was disappointed that he would enjoy such a song...now I realise he may just not respect women altogether.
Regarding what you said in your first paragraph, do you think it was all a game for him? just having me fall in love with him? What kind of person would toy with someone's heart like this?

Oh, Honey. I am so sorry you are in this situation. As mentioned above, the decision is yours. I work with families that have had their children removed due to abuse and neglect to help them get their lives together so that they can get their children back. Part of my job is challenging the dysfunctional thoughts/behavior of the person in hopes that they can recognize the behavior and make different choices.
I am very concerned with a few things you have written. If your fiance finds it "too stressful" looking for a job, it is not likely he is going to successfully handle stress/responsibility when he is responsible for a wife and a child. The stress for him is going to increase, not decrease. Secondly, you mentioned that his coping mechanism is escaping via video games and entertainment. This will also increase with increased stress. He does not seem to have the emotional maturity at this point to make different decisions. This will likely look like lots of "escaping" and emotional disengagement. Next, you have communicated how valuable this is to you, and the consequences of him not looking for a job are severe, yet it still has not motivated him. I see people make decisions to not correct behavior, even when it risks losing their children, every day. It's not on purpose. There is just not the capacity there to make mature, responsible decisions. Lastly, suggesting that you stay illegally is a major character concern. It puts you in danger. It puts your family and your future in danger. That is not a loving suggestion. That type of thought process will not be limited to your immigration status.
There are some major concerns here. Do you have people near you who love you and support you that could give you some feedback?

Hi,
I saw a lot of great VJ advise so far...
I think the thing you have to judge is whether your american fiance has grown enough as a man to qualify for this serious relationship.
I think you know the answer already but really like a lot of things about the guy and would love to see it work.
Sometimes both people are not ready for the same degree of commitment. Wishing it were different doesn't make it so unfortunately.
All people grow in many ways as they age, it is likely that from everything posted that your man has not had the personal growth to really enter into the type of serious relationship your seeking.
You could just continue your online relationship for a few more months and see if he truly will work things out on his end and then re apply for the visa.
I am 55 years old now and have lived on my own away from parents since 22 years old.
The first handful of years was a little hard for me and you know I had to develop some personal discipline & goals in life.
If you have some one that is not disciplined enough to go find profitable work without being told, they are not really ready for any serious relationship.
The point for me where I decided to get my act together or at least work hard on it was when i was 26 years old and my first wife was pregnant and I had to borrow money for the birthing expenses.
I was working most of the year but at a job that was "comfortable" more than it was profitable.
So on my own I realized "hey now I am in debt with an infant son, I need to get on the ball and expand my idea on being productive".
I decided I wanted to be in business for myself and started down that path.
It took me 7 years trying different activities until I found something I enjoyed and developed the discipline and drive with a passion that became and actual career.
Since 1993 I have run my own business.
Point is that people grow as fast as they want to grow.
But you should decide for yourself what qualifications you want to see in a man that you would marry much less have a child with.
Should you be seeking a man that has a track record of production in his field or career?
Should your man have more than just a work history but have actually set out and achieved something in his career so that he has a deep personal belief in his ability?
Should you be seeking a man that has a high degree of personal discipline?
Should you only consider a man with a high degree of ability to communicate-especially when times are challenging?
Do you want to be in a relationship with a man that would suggest you do something illegal?
It really comes down to your standards as to what quality of relationship you are willing to have.
If you do come to the US knowing that your fiance has some growing to do, it may or may not be a bit of a hard life and yelling at him will not help him "grow" faster.
The fastest way would be to support your man's efforts to grow which may or may not happen.
I know of a close someone that is 50 years old and living in a car because he never learned and hung out with people that were not growing but rather heading down.
Many people have to find themselves in life and get some successes to put the confidence there. It can just happen at different times for everyone, sometimes it may never happen.
If, and I am just saying "if" you decided to end the relationship with your fiance. That may or may not be the thing to make him realize he needs to start taking life seriously because he missed a big opportunity with you.
I really don't like to "tell" people what to do although it is quite tempting.
It is better you make the decision - right- or wrong and live and grow from it.
Just look at the factors in your decision so that if it is right or wrong you grow from it yourself.
Tomorrow I go with my wife and new daughter for our adjustment of status interview.
From what I have read, the USCIS officers have a certain amount of discretion in determining if the US citizen is earning "enough" income. I have read they want to see the last 6 months or so of income being earned.
So even if you came and used your money to fund the AOS fees and or to live on, the issue of no sustained income by the US citizen may end the journey at the AOS interview after your married.
If in doubt you may want to look into this further?
If you really do care for this man and want to be with him. Make sure you have a plan to succeed with him and not just crossed fingers is my suggestion.
Good Luck with which ever you decide.
Rudy USC

What has life's experiences taught you about moving forward when in doubt?
For me, it has most often worked against me. On the flip side, when I exercise caution and move slowly without making hasty decisions, the situation usually works itself out.

My questions for you are (no need to answer - just ask yourself and meditate on the answers)
1. Why does your fiance' live with his mother?
2. What is his employment history like?
3. Why hasn't he found a job yet? If love was on the line, I would be working double shifts at a fast food restaurant.
Your story sounds all too familiar. I can only speak in generalities, but in our country, when a grown man lives with his mother, it is usually a sign that he lacks social skills, lacks occupational skills, he has mother-issues and is incapable of taking care of himself. Again, those are only generalities, but they often prove true never-the-less.
The bottom line is: you are in doubt for a reason, and you have been for a while. This isn't a new revelation for you. This is something you have been pondering and meditating on for some time. It sounds to me like you are looking for a good reason to stay in your home country.