tuck4x4

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."
Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

Now 3 months after our wedding and shes been here 6 months.
Im finally done trying. for every 2 great days, there are 2 days of hell. She goes from dancing, talking, singing, hugging, kissing, to not talking to me in minutes. And the silent treatment lasts days.
At this point, we're not consummating much of anything. She uses this against me, but I am just too stressed out to ever be in the mood.
I don't see this changing.
I told her today that I'd give her two days to consider everything. The two of us divorcing and never speaking again, her moving back home, etc. I asked her if she loves me, and her answer is, "If it gets me home".
I'm so done. I'm cooked, turn me over. This has been a hellacious 5 year journey that I would never reccomend anyone ever going through.

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."
Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

Alright folks. I am not dumb enough to believe that dumping my wife off in another country is a good idea and I did take those suggestions as they were intended when first written... as jokes. However, you are now hijacking this thread with infighting and I don't appreciate that.
As for the dogs, I would, at the very least, find good homes for them. But I will not pay to ship them back with her.
Now if someone could please spell out for me what it would mean to stop the I864 and AOS process. I've seen people mention here that if I back out of the I864 then I no longer need to support her while she is here?
I believe that the quickest way to get her home is to get her Aunt in Japan involved. If I can put my wife in a position of needing help then her aunt will have to step in and will pay her ticket. She may also pay for the dogs, which would really make me feel better. My understanding was that I was financially responsible for her until she leaves the country and there is no way out of that short of me dying. If I was not legally responsible anymore for paying her rent, I'm positive her friend would make room for her to stay there until she could find a way to leave, but she will not leave my house as long as she believes I have to pay for her.
This is so different then being in a relationship with someone who is working and a citizen. It would be easy to separate and just work at moving on. My difficulty now is in coming home every night and seeing her in my living room. Or spending my days off in the bedroom because I do not want to be around her.
Hell, she can't even cook, so I'm still doing that.

Now 3 months after our wedding and shes been here 6 months.
Im finally done trying. for every 2 great days, there are 2 days of hell. She goes from dancing, talking, singing, hugging, kissing, to not talking to me in minutes. And the silent treatment lasts days.
At this point, we're not consummating much of anything. She uses this against me, but I am just too stressed out to ever be in the mood.
I don't see this changing.
I told her today that I'd give her two days to consider everything. The two of us divorcing and never speaking again, her moving back home, etc. I asked her if she loves me, and her answer is, "If it gets me home".
I'm so done. I'm cooked, turn me over. This has been a hellacious 5 year journey that I would never reccomend anyone ever going through.

Im still here, just very busy at work and trying to make everything happen.
Precious11, she has a laptop, Ipad and cell phone. She even knows people here, she just refuses to do anything. Id say that we are on a cycle of about 2 good weeks, 2 bad days. Right now is another bad day.
Yesterday morning she was telling me that we needed to get tattoos for each other. I came home that evening to find her furious and saying that I control her because I no longer share my bank account information with her. I stopped that after the first or second "Im leaving" fight.
She is either 100% happy, or 100% angry, there is no ground in between. If I try and talk to her about these issues on a good day, then she says do what you want, I dont care. I love you because of how you take care of me. If we talk about it on a bad day, its all "you dont do anything for me, I am stuck here with nothing to do, I dont even know how much money we have".
Until Im certain she is committed to making our marriage work, I dont think its a good idea to share 100% of everything.
EDIT: let me reiterate. Most days of the month she is very loving. Im starting to look up personality disorders in wikipedia now....

Maybe I am, but the meaning I get from the word "crutch" is excuse.
My ex and I divorced 8 years ago. I was given custody of my son and he lived with me for 2 years. My ex married her boss a few months after our divorce and had a daughter.
2 years later they took me back to court and my son was taken from me and given to them because they had a "family" and I didn't. My son's principal was a witness on my side but Texas still found for his mother.
I ran away. To Africa, the Philippines, crazy places. After a while I met my Filipina and began getting things back in order. I have had 2 goals for the last 4 years.
1. Become a proper part of my son's life again.
2. Accomplish my fiance visa and marry her.
I still do not believe that 3 years is to much of a sacrifice for my son. My fiance...wife now, has known him the entire time and they love each other.

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."
Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."
Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

The mistake I made was working abroad when my son needed me. He's 14, and needs me now more than ever.
Did you live away from your children when they were 14? Or were you there for them?
We could always ask my son. I have and I know what his answer is.

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."
Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

Im reading that thread now.
Ive told her from day 1 that I do not mind moving back to the Philippines with her, but I want to wait until my son, who is now 14 and lives with his mother, turns 18. I want to be around for the rest of his teenage years.

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."
Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."
Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."
Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

I've been down that road before. I am a Filipina , married to a US citzen under K1. When i arrived here in US everything was fine.. After 2 weeks i felt like i wanna go home, leave US without AOS. It was so hard for me- i just cried for NO reasons all i wanted is to go home.But my husband was very supportive to me all the time that i've been through.It gets more worst and worst everyday.. my husband always prayed for me to recover, until one day he told me and convinced me to go to a Counsel- I go with him without hesitation because i want to save our Marriage after all BUT still " i wanted to go home"- In my 1st visit when they talked to me about 'anything & personal questions they knew that I am " Depressed " Till they let me answer those 400 questions for some reasons - Until they wanted me to see a Doctor. So we went there the Dr. issued me a " CELEXA " for anti- depression. It helps a lot after all- I was more relax- i feel sleepy most of the time. It was a "BIG HELP" for me, God really help us especially in my case- It's not easy guys if you will not be in this kind of ' situation' You will not understand "WHY" -
I hope your wife can fully recover where she is now... It' hard and i knew it! Don't give up- Keep on praying.. God will hear you.
Matthew 7:7~ 8
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

I started hanging out at the local Asian market. I asked anyone who looked Thai if they were. Eventually I found one, explained the situation and asked if she could help. Within an hour, two Thai girls were at my door step. My wife was not happy, but I am convinced they are the primary reason my wife is still here.
I would try the local markets & Catholic Churches.

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."
Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

Tuck, I'll share my thoughts and personal experiences, but unfortunately it all comes down to the two of you. At the end of the day the TWO of you will make it work or you won;t. Nobody can do it for you.
Our first three months together were hell, the next three months were slightly less hellish. In the next thee months my wife asked how she can file for divorce. Twice my wife has taken herself to the airport. Marriage made in heaven right?
There is so much at play here that you have no idea about.
I do not subscribe to the idea these girls plan these things out. I think they have every intention of making a life with us. But, the reality of middle class life in the US is very different then they imagine it to be.
Those of us who like to travel and experience new cultures don;t realize how traumatic this move is for family based cultures. We live alone and like. Asians not so much. They love the family, social aspect of their life. Suddenly it's just the two of you. Face it your not that charming after a long day of work.
Most likely she is bored, lonely, and homesick. mostly homesick.
You also need to consider what is going on in the background with her family. Are they pressuring her for money? After all, now she has a rich American husband she should be building a new house for mom, buying motorbikes for her siblings, etc. If she is torn between her responsibility to her family and to you, who does she choose?
I am completely convinced my wife would have left in the first three months had it not been for a couple Thai girls here in town who knew exactly how to handle her. Finding that support system is crucial to the adjustment. You can tell her truths over and over, but they don;t ring true until she can hear it from her sisters. My wife thought I was lying about having to make a mortgage and car payment each month. When the Thai girls told her it was true, then she believed me. She couldn't understand how I could afford to stay in Thailand for months at a time, go out party, eat, tour, etc. but in the US I had to live on a budget. What really made it real for her was finding out the other girls work two or three jobs so they can have a house and car and "stuff".
My wife is very independent. She had her own business. Car, motorbike, etc. she could go and do as she pleases. Suddenly she is completely dependent on me for everything. money, food, transportation. I'm sure you don;t treat her like a slave, but she could easily feel like one.
When my wife asked to go back home for the umbteenth time. I said ok, but we have put so much time into this process please wait until the AP comes through otherwise it's a one way trip. I said the day you get the AP, if you still want to go home I will buy a ticket. The AP arrived, she put it on her wallet and she is still here.
Tuck, this process is much more difficult for her then it is for you. I'm sure there is more going on in the background then you are aware of. You have to be the better person here. Turn a blind ear to what she says and try to hang in there.
If she is intent on self pitty there isn;t a lot you can do. But Phils girls are by nature fun and light hearted. You just need to find that part of her again.
A few ideas:
Get a tablet for her
Set up a facebook account for her
Set up a skype account for her
Get her on the phone with her family
Get her access to native tv programing. Movies, tv shows, etc. If she spends all day looking at soaps, thats ok.
If she won;t go out to meet local Phils natives, ask a few to come to your house. They will know just how to handle her.
Give her an out. Do this and this for me, if you still want to go I will buy the ticket. Give her some control over her life.
*** Self serving Soapbox moment ***
For those of you who do not have a spouse from a poor country. Please refrain from comment like "she planned this" "this doesn't sound right" "she has an agenda" etc. If you come from a wealthy western country, you have a skill and a good job, you have no idea of the dynamics at play here. You need to spend time in these cultures to understand them. Our western morals and attitudes just don't fit in all situations. So please, be supportive and respectful. Give her the benefit of the doubt and let Tuck decide if she is genuine or not.
*** Stepping off soapbox ***

I'm so lucky to have a loving and understanding husband..

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."
Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

Im reading that thread now.
Ive told her from day 1 that I do not mind moving back to the Philippines with her, but I want to wait until my son, who is now 14 and lives with his mother, turns 18. I want to be around for the rest of his teenage years.

Im reading that thread now.
Ive told her from day 1 that I do not mind moving back to the Philippines with her, but I want to wait until my son, who is now 14 and lives with his mother, turns 18. I want to be around for the rest of his teenage years.