Meg and Danny

Noone?

*Crickets*

My grandmother told me never to be "in love with love." There are other important factors to a marriage, not just feelings.

As a bystander, I am torn between the desire I have to be supportive of you in this very difficult situation, and the negative feelings I have for your fiance and his "controversial lifestyle." (I remember one of your first posts).

I know the visa is the last thing on your mind right now, but one thing that really rubbed me wrong in this story was that he cancelled the paperwork right away. That seems like a huge overreaction, and insulting to you. You aren't going to pursue the visa right now, so why bother to cancel it in the heat of the moment. I would have come to talk to you in person, not broken up over the phone, and figured things out, and left the visa as the least important thing. I am sort of offended for you that he did that...

I am going to send you a PM because I have a story about my friend and I don't think she'd want her story out there on the internet.

I'm offended too. I honestly, never thought he would do this. I certainly thought he'd at least want to work on it, and now, now he is the captain of mixed messages. All I can do is try not to get buried by my misery. and it's REALLY hard right now.

Does anyone know how long it will take for them to receive and process the withdrawel?

I would like to know as I want to visit the states in a couple of days, and I don't have the ability to get a)employment confirmation during that time as well as my landlords are at their cabin until the end of august and so I cant get a written statement from them saying they need me to pay rent etc.

Any other ideas or what to tell the border agent when they undoubtedly ask, or anything else I can get quickly to show as proof?

Take it from a male viewpoint (mine): If you grit your teeth and continue, you can only expect more of the same behavior in the future. He's not ready. Depending on his age (if he's older than his late 20s), he might never be.

Personal note, with apologies if it's inappropriate to state it here: When I was single, it frosted my jaws to encounter woman after woman who, although otherwise stable in every other way, kept throwing themselves at guys who were incapable of ever committing. A true relationship is one in which there is no question of mutual commitment, whether the question is "in your faces" or nagging at the back of your minds. Do what you will, but I don't think that this relationship is true or that it would last if you manufactured its continuation.

Depending on your self-assurance, thank him for the memories, turn your back, and look only forward. Of all the fish in the sea, this one should be thrown back.

My self assurance is gone. He's 31. Do I think it had to do with commitment? Yes. Another thing our counsellor pointed out in passing was that he anted so badly to have me, a marriage and a family. But was he able to give that. I think he is figuring that out. About commitment, as we speak.

You can call me naive or misplacing my hope, but I think it's possible to find. Even if not tomorrow. He begged me for commitment, to never give up on him. He started every part of our course together. Dating, the proposal the visa.he acknowledged this. That it was him and not me at all, and that he wanted the promises he made to be true. Ie: willing to do anything to make it work.

As I mentioned, I know he is it for me. Even ifit means we're done. Even if it means his commitment issue never goes away, I owe it to that certainty to discover if its even possible.

Thank you all immensely for every ounce of support you have offered.

Ultimately, I'm still not 100% sure why things transpired between us the way they did.... this is all I can do to update you.

Tuesday brought the first time I'd seen him in over 6 weeks(one of the longest periods of time we'd ever been apart). Then, a counselling session, which started with us sitting on opposite ends of the room. I read him a long four page letter outlining how it hurt, why I was so confused, and asking why he didn't tell me earlier what was going on. Our counsellor, I believe was surprised to see us in this state. I was hurt, but read my letter anyways. Our counsellor said at the end of my letter "I'd like to just take a moment and tell you that I think that was, if not the best one of the best break up letters I have ever heard" and turned to Danny to point out how it was respectful and how painful it must have been to write. He agreed.
Nothing really got solved in that session at all. It was mostly a lot of emotion. Him somehow remaining basically cool and collected, and me barely being able to look at him. He took everything out of my immigration/visa binder. That I worked so diligently on, his financials, affidavit of support and intent to marry. I could feel my heart being torn.

That evening, he texted me to say how strange it was to be here(in my city) without me. We texted for a while about how much we loved and missed each other, I pointed out all the things we could have shared, and not understanding why he would give it all away. Out of basically nowhere. he said he knew how final this all seemed to me right now, but that life was long and often strange etc etc and not to talk about forever(in reference to the ending of our relationship).

I found out a little, about what he found as an issue. But I think I'll post my letter to him in a private message for anyone that cares to know the whole story. And how he could have said ANYTHING before this and helped it, or anything INSTEAD of this and helped it. This person who begged me never to give up on him, callously gave up on me.

at the end of the conversation, through many tears, he asked to take me to dinner the following night. I agreed. How could I not? I missed him and it was agony having him so close and yet so far.

Wednesday evening we had dinner and I went back to his hotel room with him. We talked for hours and hours. We cried, he had a full blown panic attack. One of the scariest things I've ever been a part of .

I told him what I really had thought had gotten to him, which was mostly, not about ME at all. And he agreed. He took responsibility and apologized for NOT doing many things as well as how he handled the actual break up. And that maybe what he really wanted was to slow down. I told him, going from 100 to 0 is not a slow down, it's a stop. And that I understood that he was scared, but that neither of us seemed to know where to go from here. He brought up the possibility of countinuing our sessions but I didn't understand how that was possible as two people who couldn't even be friends.

How can I do that to myself? I asked him. How can I just sit idly by and hope that one day you'll turn around and realise you made a mistake. That he'd somehow change his mind, it would be horrible. We held each other and both finally slept. The next day, Thursday, we went to a second session together. Meant mostly to talk about the decision I was facing. Which I already knew his stance on. But really, he walked in and sat down beside me and held my hand, kissed my hand, and held me close as I cried trying to explain that all I could think about was my love for him, and not knowing what to do. Our counsellor said it was a very large change from the previous change two days ago, and he again took a lot of responsibility for his actions and inactions. And she tried to figure out if there was a way that we would get back together, and I told her how it felt like he was dangling himself in front of me.

He mentioned a number of times that if we got to that point again, at least the visa process would be basically a breeze.

She(our counsellor) was obviously concerned for us both and he booked a session with her for tomorrow(Monday), by himself, which he'll attend via Skype.

I don't know what to expect, I just know that our last three days together felt right. I just feel it in my bones, that even if its over, he is the one for me. It's just too good.

I wish I understood fully why his fear overwhelmed him, and what if anything was going to happen with us from here on out. I just can't seem to grasp it all.

I miss him. I love him. I want him, and he tells me he feels the same, so how are we at this point? What am I supposed to do now?

Meghan

Even when the ones we love hurt us it doesn't just instantly dissolve all the time and love created together. We all handle the end of it in different ways, but I would mentally prepare yourself for the meeting. No one can predict which way it will swing. I do hope that if you decide to keep the child that you are doing it for yourself and not to salvage any piece of the love you shared with this man. If he is truly over it all then this is the end, and if you keep the baby expect him to oppose it. Even when passions are high, and with the upmost protection anything can happen and when it involves sex we all need to be responsible for the possible outcome. Perhaps you should remind him of that. Either way best of luck on Tuesday.

Most certainly not a rekindling (i cant even believe thats a word im using for us. :(:()attempt. He will be very unhappy.

I really don't know. But I still love him as abrupt and horrible as what he did was, so I want I hear him out

I'm just waiting to see him in person on Tuesday at our last counselling session. I'm leaning towards keeping it, but it is literally an entire life overhaul. Ill be making a lot of sacrifices, so I want to hear what he has to say first.

Question: Do you really want to have "his" baby?

That is really the most important question you need to ask yourself.

And to all the posters telling her she should have the baby; are you willing to take care of that baby?

I am concerned for the fact that he will not be a part of the child's life. I am concerned that someone I loved and trusted implicitly could turn their back on me, right before such a momentous event in my life.

But, he is intelligent and ambitious. I am intelligent and kind. If the baby could get equal doses of it all, as I've told him in conversations he has apparently long forgotten we were excited to have a child of our own, because blended together she/he would get the best of both worlds.

At 30 you are still plenty young to find someone else to have a baby with, a stable partner that WILL be there when the going gets rough.

The way you expressed yourself in the initial post, I thought you were close to 34 and a half.

Neither of us can tell you what to do, nor should we impose our views on you (be them pro-life, pro-choice and everything in between). Personally, I believe he might have a change of heart, because of the sudden way in which he called it quits. Sounds like a major case of cold feet more than anything.

See your counselor and try to chose what it is best for YOU. Not for a clump of cells, not for your ex, for YOU.

He lalready is withdrawing the visa app. I don't think he's changing his mind.

Meg, sorry that this is going on. I don't envy you folks position.

I have a question for you. If Danny doesn't wish that you continue the pregnancy, which I believe is singularly your choice, will you continue the pregnancy? If you do continue the pregnancy will you expect him to pay child support as being suggested by other members?

I'm assuming all this will be discussed at the meeting coming up.

Thank you.

I honestly just don't know. Do I feel pressured now? Yes much more so than before. Does Danny wang the pregnancy at all? No, definitely not.

It's lot to think about, having a child with an ansentee father, even if he pays to support.

I don't want to do anything out of spite and I don't want to do anything that isn't in the best interest of the child.

How do you tell a child what their father did? How do you explain what started out as a story if love and hope, turned into something cold and callous and abrupt.

I just don't know.

I did not read into anything that was not there. You already noted that you took all of the necessary actions and if he had only worked on the things that needed to be worked on everything would have been fine. You brought in his friends and yes the trained professionals and yes you won at all costs.

You don't have your facts straight, I did not bring in his friends. He talked to them, I didn't even suggest it. He then told me what they said.

I had a trained professional in order to give US the best chance of success at US. They pointed out that this would be something we would have to overcome. As it is an integral part of any marriage. They called it the glue that holds people together when times are tough.

I was willing to deal with my ability to manage my own expectations, and I did so. But I asked him to please be sensitive to this issue. I don't think anyone in that situation would have not asked for some empathy when you are 3000 km away and having to deal with the changes in your body alone. and going to a scary procedure alone.

You are entitled to your opinion, but I trust in what I know, and what actually transpired.

The reasons you mention for terminating need not be reasons at all. If you want the baby, then stay in Canada (whether you get back together or not) and finish the pregnancy there with the medical assistance of Canada's health system, and with the support of family and friends. That takes care of the medical side. The child will most likely be a USC (assuming your ex-fiance meets the requirements) and so on moving to the US (if that happened) you would be able to get government support (if needed) to help with the baby. Plenty of people have done this and do this.

The way he spoke, I just feel like it was final. Out of the blue, but final. He would meet the criteria for our baby to also be a dual citizen. But I don't think that means I can do anything but live here. Which is fine, though I was very excited for a new life.

Was there anything about this guy that you did not try to "fix" or "change"? I'm way older than 16 but what sounds like tantrum behavior is insisting that someone apologize to you for something that really doesn't sound all that dam wrong for days and days. I believe that after marriage counseling and being told that I need to work on this or work on that and being told when I should feel sorry and how I should feel when I should feel it (before the marriage even kicked off) I might stop, recheck my cards, and throw in my hand as well. Can't judge either of you but judging that dude on this thread isn't right either.

Since you threw your story out you need to be told that you are coming across a classic control freak and I guarantee you that you will be a lot happier after you learn to accept people, faults or not, the way they are.

With that said a nod for your terrible story and wow what a terrible place to be right now. I feel bad that a little one is mixed up in this. Find a mirror, check it, accept your part, learn from it, and move on.

I think that you should know, I accepted everything. I apologized, I asked for counselling I communicated what I was feeling.

I asked him repetedly if he was sure this is what he wanted.

And his own closest friends told him it was an innapropriate thing to say given the context of the stuation. Which obviously I didn't print all of as it was pretty tough as it is.

For the record, I've never tried to change anything about him. Only asked that he make an effort to meet me half way.

This was also the advise of trained professionals.

More importantly, he never expressed even a shred of this issue prior to this week.

I doubt anyone who knows me, including him, would classify me as a control freak.

According to our therapist and to him, I am a "pleaser". All I asked for was a little consideration for what I was going though, all by myself.

I have never said that he was a bad person. I have never said that he or I was perfect. Please don't read into things that are not there.

Im sorry , take your time to make any decision, why dont you talk again to him! to make sure you'll take the right decision in your life ,

be strong , you'll be ok

He is flying in on Monday to have our appointment with our counsellor on Tuesday. It's called a dissolution appointment.

That dude is not a man, he's a boy, a little boy, nothing more. One day you will meet a real man, fall in love, get married and have a family and you will look back at him and laugh at how young you were.

Thank you everyone kindly. I still don't know what I am going to do. I told him if he really didn't want to be a father at this point(which I know he doesn't) That he needs to get himself on a plane, talk to me in person with our counsellor and escort me to the hospital next Friday and take some responsibility. He is doing so.

I still don't know if I will keep it or not. But I do have to decide relatively quickly(in the next week) as there is no other time for it to happen. I already tried to reschedule.

Additionally just for everyone's knowledge we are not that young. I am 30 and he is 31

Thanks for the support everyone, right now I'm trying to manage the feeling that I will always feel this hopeless and betrayed. I will make the rest of the decision later this week.

My (ex) fiancé, and our petitioner broke up with me on Thursday night, over the phone.

When we filed back in march, I asked him to be SURE this is what he wanted. I didn't want to wind up having a change of mind half way into it and break my heart. I asked him that because I've been hurt a number of times by men who say one thing and do another in the past. He calmed my nerves and told me he couldn't see his life with anyone but me.

To say that its been smooth sailing the whole time would be a lie. But it hasn't been detrimental either. I insisted we go to premarital counselling if he was serious in order to have the tools to make our relationship and marriage successful. In counselling among other things, it was discovered we were a very good match(both on paper according to their very long expectations and history quiz) and in practice. The one area we really had to work on was his ability to be empathetic and kind when dealing with sensitive topics. and for me to manage my expecatations knowing it was hard for him.

He has been here for a week about every 5 weeks and two in dec/jan and ALL of june.

almost three weeks ago, we found out that I was pregnant. Despite being on birth control the whole time. I took it religiously. We made the decision to terminate and the procedure was eventually booked for next week. Our reasons were simple, it was a large transition period for the two of us, living together moving into a new home, not having a home of our own, not knowing what my earning potential and life will be like there. Fair enough, it made sense.

Obviously, for any of you that have been in my shoes, your hormones start to fluctuate, and I deliberately tried to focus on the hard parts of the early pregnancy in order to have mental fuel to do what I needed to do. I communicated this with him explicitly three times. I also told him a couple of times(most recently last Thursday)that I felt very lonely, having to go through this alone and that I needed him not to ignore the subject but give me some support and try to understand. Even a "there there" I would have accepted. Instead when I told him this he said I was being super emotional and complaint oriented. Amongst a few other choice words. I was very hurt and upset, and he just kept reiterating he wasn't going to apologize for saying the truth.
Note, he had NEVER apologized for anything he has ever said up until that point.

We didn't speak for a day and a bit. Then he contacted me acting as if nothing had ever happened. I said, I need you to address what happened and not ignore it. He again, missed the point and just kept repeating he wasn't going to apologize for saying the truth. I told him, again, that it wasn't that I needed an apology because it was a lie, I didn't care if it was the truth, it was just a terribly unkind thing for him to say. That it would be great if he could look up or ask me what I'm going through and maybe the procedure I would have to endure without him which scared and saddened me.

He decided to talk to two of his close friends, and after doing so, for the first time ever, apologized for what he said, said he felt terrible about the whole situation. Because his friends told him what he said was mean and inappropriate.

he went on to say how much he missed me and loved me and looked forward to our lives together. he posted on facebook a cute picture that we were a "match" of a little chameleon sitting on the end of a match stick and matching it's colour.

That was four days before he broke up with me.

The day of and the day before, he reiterated how much he loved me and we talked about the final things we were waiting for for our visa. Anxiously! The final step came on Thursday and I told him I expected to be able to pay the fee that day. He told me he called united airlines and was able to gift me his points so that I could take the plane to Vancouver free of charge.

That was an hour before he broke up with me.

I called him to say, my visa debit card didn't work on the site for payment of visa interview fee. He told me we should talk before I did that. And then proceeded to ramble about how we are just too different to make it work and are not the right person for each other.

This is how he left our whole relationship, and me, before an abortion. An abrupt phone call that made no sense, given everything else he said and everything we've been through. I don't know how long he was planning it. I don't understand it AT ALL.

What I do know is it is Saturday, and I feel utterly hopeless and alone. And the reason for termination of the pregnancy no longer exists. And now that I've wasted a year and a half of my life, 35(the limit for me wanting to have kids as I have a family history of down syndrome babies being born after that point) is coming very quickly and this may literally be my only chance to have a child of my own. Single parenthood was never something I wanted, but do I end a life needlessly? The person who was supposed to be my partner in everything has abandoned me. But it would mean having to have him in my life to some degree for the rest of my life. and given the circumstances I don't really want that either.

I'm shocked, I'm devastated. I returned our pet birds to their breeders(we had to file for a special permit for them, last week!). It has broken every shred of decency and trust and love that I think I had in me.

I feel hopeless and alone. And I don't want to feel anymore.

He begged me not to give up on him. I never did. He gave up on us. And for what? Because emotionally it was hard to be compatible? I don't understand at all.

Yes it was within two hours of receiving packet three. About noon or one pm there time.

Like I said, their website only dates that it is closed on specific holidays and August 1st nor second was mentioned. Which means it was closed on Monday, which of course I understand.

What I don't understand is why NOT ONE other case in the last 13 months has taken this long if they faxed their documents back. Not even the 3-4 business days even if they were closed Thursday Friday and Monday(which is unlikely anyways given their listed hours).

Incidentally our work fax does not print a verification page. Otherwise I would be a little less "antsy".

Vancouver k visa department does not have a phone and I did fax all the info with cover sheet initially an haven't heard back.

My American fiancé does have a cell phone on a monthly plan and it was NOT eer reported to any of the major bureaus. According to a few banks.

So I'm guessing not all cell phone companies actually report.

It's been a week tomorrow? I think you're being rather impatient. Remember Aug 1st was a holiday in BC. So they wouldn't have worked on anything that day and the consulate has been closed for the weekend as well. I'd personally give it until Friday but maybe they do get back to you quicker than that?

I checked all VJ timelines for Vancouver in the last year and a bit and no one who faxed back info and asked for packet 4 emailed had to wait a week, same day next day or two days at most. That's why I think it's not that impatient. But what do I know?

Also I looked at the dates they were closed on the consulate website and August first wasn't listed. But still. It's been more now even if it was closed all weekend than vjers averages.

End of day now and still no reply. Do you all think I should send another email tomorrow or no?

Anyone know if I am just being impatient or should try something else....?

I got packet three as requested by email last Wednesday faxed all information same day requested right after fax for confirmation of receiving the docs and if so to please send packet 4 by email. No response as of Friday at noon(10 their time) sent another email concerned that perhaps they didn't decisive and if someone could just let me know so we didn't have personal info floating around in orbit somewhere. Still no answer today. I know it was a long weekend, but I haven't seen anyone who has asked for emailing of packet 4 take this long.

Suggestions?

Are you sure the US consulate observes the Canadian holiday?

As far as anything I can find, yes. But hope I'm wrong.