trust issues

[ayesha4akram 0]

I think it is hard without all of the facts to judge. Your post doesn't really give a clear picture of what is going on, like if you're paying for a bunch of guys rent or for your husband's portion or if it was one time in June when he was in a tight spot or if it's been every single month. If he could live for free in Morocco and he just likes living in Italy and you are paying his rent each month so that he can live in Italy I don't think that's right. Heck who wouldn't want to live in Italy all expenses paid??? Kind of a sweet deal, you know? On the other hand if he lived in Morocco and was working hard to try to make ends meet but he stumbled every so often and you wished to help him out I think that would be different but then it's hard when we're not exactly in the position you are in to judge the situation.

I think stopping all funding to him for a while might give you a clearer picture of what is going on.

I think this is the best advice . You'll know if he's using you or not based on what happens after you stop all funding.

Hugs,

Ayesha

[Brian & Kathy 0]

I think the advice given so far is good.

In nearly any culture around the world, a self respecting, good man would not ask for money from his girlfriend/fiancee. A good man should have enough pride and self respect to live on what he can earn, even if it is a humble life.

He's asked for and received money from you already (after just 11 months) and that is not likely to change in the future. You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. It isn't a trait that speaks good of his character, but of course you have to weigh these out for yourself. It is difficult to look at your own relationship from a distance, but give long thought to what kind of man would ask for money from you so easily.

Best of luck,

Brian

Edited November 10, 2007 by Brian & Kathy

[JODO 2]

You've only known this guy 11 month and he's already asking for money. I know you probably have your heart invested in this man but honestly, he shouldn't be asking you for money. If I were you, I would've dropped him after the first request for money. I don't care how poor he is. If he didn't know you he would be surviving, right? He'd find a way to get by.

I get so frustrated by these guys who think they're "owed" something because they're poor or have ####### jobs. Boo hoo...not your problem. They look at Americans with dollar signs in their eyes. He's a grown, healthy man. Tell him to put his big boy pants on and go out and work another job if money is that tight. Sorry for being harsh but I'm passionate about this subject.

[reginaait 0]

You've only known this guy 11 month and he's already asking for money. I know you probably have your heart invested in this man but honestly, he shouldn't be asking you for money. If I were you, I would've dropped him after the first request for money. I don't care how poor he is. If he didn't know you he would be surviving, right? He'd find a way to get by.

I get so frustrated by these guys who think they're "owed" something because they're poor or have ####### jobs. Boo hoo...not your problem. They look at Americans with dollar signs in their eyes. He's a grown, healthy man. Tell him to put his big boy pants on and go out and work another job if money is that tight. Sorry for being harsh but I'm passionate about this subject.

I agree with you. I told him this morning I was not going to support him. He claims he is ok with this. we shall see.. this is a huge test of our relationship. I was the one who kept helping him every month ( 6 months total $1900 plus to expensive trips.. my choice also so I am to blame for this) the test is to come. I do not have an instinct at all about this.. I just dont want to fill like a bad person, but as I told him I did not make him come to Italy and he has a home in Marrakech he can live in.. He always tells me I can live there if I want for free and he would support me. But given he makes about $10 a day, this would not work for me. I am really confused.. but I think the only way I will know his true feeling for me.. is to completley cut him off. Which I am doing. Thank you for your post

regina

I think the advice given so far is good.

In nearly any culture around the world, a self respecting, good man would not ask for money from his girlfriend/fiancee. A good man should have enough pride and self respect to live on what he can earn, even if it is a humble life.

He's asked for and received money from you already (after just 11 months) and that is not likely to change in the future. You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. It isn't a trait that speaks good of his character, but of course you have to weigh these out for yourself. It is difficult to look at your own relationship from a distance, but give long thought to what kind of man would ask for money from you so easily.

Best of luck,

Brian

thank you Brian

[reginaait 0]

I think it is hard without all of the facts to judge. Your post doesn't really give a clear picture of what is going on, like if you're paying for a bunch of guys rent or for your husband's portion or if it was one time in June when he was in a tight spot or if it's been every single month. If he could live for free in Morocco and he just likes living in Italy and you are paying his rent each month so that he can live in Italy I don't think that's right. Heck who wouldn't want to live in Italy all expenses paid??? Kind of a sweet deal, you know? On the other hand if he lived in Morocco and was working hard to try to make ends meet but he stumbled every so often and you wished to help him out I think that would be different but then it's hard when we're not exactly in the position you are in to judge the situation.

I think stopping all funding to him for a while might give you a clearer picture of what is going on.

I think this is the best advice . You'll know if he's using you or not based on what happens after you stop all funding.

Hugs,

Ayesha

Thanks Ayesha.. that is what i am planning on doing.. i iwill let you know. you and your fiance are very nice looking couple! All the best to you too!!!

regina

[Aymerlu 3]

I say trust you gut instinct. One of the "red flags" of the middle eastern relationship is asking for money and support....always having an excuse or "emergent" situation that requires your financial help. Only you however, can determine if this situation exsists. My SO lives in Egypt...has no work as of yet although has looked and never has "asked" for money. He'd never dream of it. Use your instincts.

Isn't that a red flag for any relationship?

Yep! Something my husband has mentioned on numerous occasions is that if a middle eastern man asks for money from any women, then that's an issue. This is strickly him talking about men from his country which is Egypt. He said he's seen so many men, meet women and then ask for money......from a hundred to thousands of dollars and women will give it to them because they "love" them. My husband was low on funds while waiting for his visa and he never asked me for money. Even though he was not working I never paid a penny on any of my trips to Egypt. Go with your gut feeling, but be careful.

I thought you supported your husband financially because he had to not take a job that had a contract that could interfere with the visa process?

he asked me for 200 euro to pay for a bed with a bunch of guys.

I was like why would he want her to be in bed with all those guys???

No, I never supported him financially. Well, I did buy him a cell phone when he dropped his from a balcony if that counts. True he could not work because the teaching contract could have interfered with the visa process, but I never sent him money and he never asked for it.

[reginaait 0]

Hello

If anyone is up at this time at night would really appreciate an honest answer. I met Salah my fiance in Jan. in May after I arrived, payed for the apartment for a month ( as his job is not providing him enough money to live on) he asked me for 200 euro to pay for a bed with a bunch of guys. As of June I have paid. I understand that work is not good for him, and have asked him on occasion to go back to Morroco where he could live for free. He said he would go if I went with him. He does not care he says about the visa.. and on to go further would rather live in Italy than the U.S. I am the one who thinks he should live here, as my buisness and I think life here is better. Anyway in a nutshell, yesterday, he called me to tell me that the Italian police had confiscated his posters. ( he sells these on the street) I lost it. I told him to move back to Morroco..went on and on about supporting him with his apartment for six months. Anyway, I don't know what to think. Is the guy using me? In my gut I dont think he is..

any wisdom would be grea!! And I realize this site is for visas and not for relationship help.

thank you

regina

Are you actually paying rent for him and a bunch of guys? Since June?

no sorry just for salah.. the place he lives in place in apartment where they have individual beds like a dorm, i have just paid for his bed

[Sameh and Keri 0]

Hello

If anyone is up at this time at night would really appreciate an honest answer. I met Salah my fiance in Jan. in May after I arrived, payed for the apartment for a month ( as his job is not providing him enough money to live on) he asked me for 200 euro to pay for a bed with a bunch of guys. As of June I have paid. I understand that work is not good for him, and have asked him on occasion to go back to Morroco where he could live for free. He said he would go if I went with him. He does not care he says about the visa.. and on to go further would rather live in Italy than the U.S. I am the one who thinks he should live here, as my buisness and I think life here is better. Anyway in a nutshell, yesterday, he called me to tell me that the Italian police had confiscated his posters. ( he sells these on the street) I lost it. I told him to move back to Morroco..went on and on about supporting him with his apartment for six months. Anyway, I don't know what to think. Is the guy using me? In my gut I dont think he is..

any wisdom would be grea!! And I realize this site is for visas and not for relationship help.

thank you

regina

To pay for a bed so that he can support his buddies?

Just to give you a picture of what's in my mind.

[doodlebug 3]

I say trust you gut instinct. One of the "red flags" of the middle eastern relationship is asking for money and support....always having an excuse or "emergent" situation that requires your financial help. Only you however, can determine if this situation exsists. My SO lives in Egypt...has no work as of yet although has looked and never has "asked" for money. He'd never dream of it. Use your instincts.

Isn't that a red flag for any relationship?

Yep! Something my husband has mentioned on numerous occasions is that if a middle eastern man asks for money from any women, then that's an issue. This is strickly him talking about men from his country which is Egypt. He said he's seen so many men, meet women and then ask for money......from a hundred to thousands of dollars and women will give it to them because they "love" them. My husband was low on funds while waiting for his visa and he never asked me for money. Even though he was not working I never paid a penny on any of my trips to Egypt. Go with your gut feeling, but be careful.

I thought you supported your husband financially because he had to not take a job that had a contract that could interfere with the visa process?

he asked me for 200 euro to pay for a bed with a bunch of guys.

I was like why would he want her to be in bed with all those guys???

No, I never supported him financially. Well, I did buy him a cell phone when he dropped his from a balcony if that counts. True he could not work because the teaching contract could have interfered with the visa process, but I never sent him money and he never asked for it.

oh my bad. I know there was someone here from Egypt with a husband who is a teacher and he had to stop working 'cause he couldn't sign a contract due to the visa process. I could have sworn it was you that helped him out meanwhile but it must have been someone else.

Anyway I still think it depends on the situation and each situation is different. For example in the situation above, forget who it was again , I think it's perfectly reasonable that the wife help out the husband since it's because of the husband leaving the country that he has to discontinue working.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Is the guy using me?

regina

Dear Regina,

Yes, relationships are mutual use. You were giving he was taking. The real question I think you want to ask is "What are you getting out of this?" At least that is what my councelor told me to ask myself when I was facing similar trust issues.

My Husband doesn't ask me for money he sends me money. He says any Arab Muslim man that asks his spouse for money is not a man. He even has trouble accepting money if I offer it. But my Husband is from Egypt and yours is from Morocco so maybe they look at things differently there. I applaud you for listening to your inner voice and cutting him off financialy to see what comes of it. It sounds like the most healthy thing to do for now! I am sure you'll both work it out.

With lots of love from me to you,

Olivia

Edited November 10, 2007 by OlivianWaleed

[sarah and hicham 3]

This doesn't look good. I think it's pretty clear that he is using you. You should definitely stop sending him money. That is not ok.

[desert_fox 32]

Italy and Spain are full of illegals from Morocco. Theycant get a work permit so they work in the streets selling ####### and CD's/ They live six to a room....kinda of reminds me of the illegals here.

He couldnt even use the Consulate there is he wanted to.

you fell for a street vendor??

[sarah and hicham 3]

Italy and Spain are full of illegals from Morocco. Theycant get a work permit so they work in the streets selling ####### and CD's/ They live six to a room....kinda of reminds me of the illegals here.

He couldnt even use the Consulate there is he wanted to.

you fell for a street vendor??

tisk, tisk, didn't you learn your lesson last time you posted in this forum?

[a-jeanne 2]

My only advice would be to never change your future plan for someone else. Always think of yourself and never settle or do something that doesn't feel right. When making choices like who you are going to spend the rest of your life with - be selfish - don't settle for anything less than EVERYTHING! If he's the one - you'll know it.

[Nutty 2]

Hello

If anyone is up at this time at night would really appreciate an honest answer. I met Salah my fiance in Jan. in May after I arrived, payed for the apartment for a month ( as his job is not providing him enough money to live on) he asked me for 200 euro to pay for a bed with a bunch of guys. As of June I have paid. I understand that work is not good for him, and have asked him on occasion to go back to Morroco where he could live for free. He said he would go if I went with him. He does not care he says about the visa.. and on to go further would rather live in Italy than the U.S. I am the one who thinks he should live here, as my buisness and I think life here is better. Anyway in a nutshell, yesterday, he called me to tell me that the Italian police had confiscated his posters. ( he sells these on the street) I lost it. I told him to move back to Morroco..went on and on about supporting him with his apartment for six months. Anyway, I don't know what to think. Is the guy using me? In my gut I dont think he is..

any wisdom would be grea!! And I realize this site is for visas and not for relationship help.

thank you

regina