Goodbye

[Divine Mercy 0]

I have read this entire post but didn't have much to add.. in fact I still don't except one point.

Hatred and revenge is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies.

Forgiveness sets you free. You will always be a victim of someone's actions against you as long as you allow what they did to eat at you. Also remember that God forgives us in as much as we forgive others. Holding on to these feelings turns us into bitter angry individuals and that poison eats at our souls and our very character. I am not innocent when it comes to this, I have no room to cast any stones at anyone else. This is as much a reminder for myself as it is toward anyone in here.

In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, "[14] For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. [15] But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

None of us are without sin so that applies to ALL.

[Ta Ta 1]

I have read this entire post but didn't have much to add.. in fact I still don't except one point.

Hatred and revenge is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies.

Forgiveness sets you free. You will always be a victim of someone's actions against you as long as you allow what they did to eat at you. Also remember that God forgives us in as much as we forgive others. Holding on to these feelings turns us into bitter angry individuals and that poison eats at our souls and our very character. I am not innocent when it comes to this, I have no room to cast any stones at anyone else. This is as much a reminder for myself as it is toward anyone in here.

In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, "[14] For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. [15] But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

None of us are without sin so that applies to ALL.

Amen..well said.

[Ta Ta 1]

In a healthy relationship, I feel that you should be somewhere in the middle. The idea that you go to visit him and he pays for "everything" to "prove" he loves you is unbalanced. To me that's simple minded. That wouldn't prove to me that he loves me....that would prove to me that he has bad judgement for using a considerable portion of his income for a one time visit/vacation from someone he cares about. And if he were here in America and did that, we'd probably have a huge argument as well. When I visit my fiance in Ghana we split costs. Sometimes I pay the airfare and he pays for my lodging.....he often pays for meals and taxis and trips, but I stick my two cents in there as well, even if I have to hand him the money so he can feel like the man in actually paying. And I do the same thing with girl/guy friends here and in previous relationships in the US. When I expect to be taken care of.....money is only a part of it...and while he's still in Ghana making a fraction of what I make, money is NOT the big part of it. He supports me emotionally and spiritually. He's my prayer partner and my bigges prayer warrior. He listens, even when he doesn't get it cause it may be my personal reaction and he thinks it's no big deal. He supports me in setting life goals and planning progress. He supports all of who I am and hope to be. This isn't my first marraige. I had a failed marraige that was also originated online. It failed after 10 years and a beautiful daughter. I had counseling to release that baggage and it sounds like it was a decision that others could benefit in making. It's a jaded view to think that a man proves his love and worth by his wallet. It's a jaded view that says, from a post stating that this website has caused arguments in your relationship that an appropriate response is I think your man is trying to use you and dump you. Inferring your past pain into a three line note is YOUR issue. You aren't trying to HELP anyone. The person didn't ask for help or convey anything in those three lines to lead to the conclusion that their marraige is in extreme danger. But your personal pain and bitterness makes any Nigerian related marraige post a RED FLAG. Always look in the mirror first. What you think you're conveying is not what's coming out AT ALL. I read...hatred....animosity...bitterness....anger.....vengenance.....loneliness. So it automatically gets dismissed. It only helps to show your emotional state and need for help yourself. Doesn't much serve to help anyone else.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

YEAH Mercy,

Remember that you do not have to tell the person your forgive them. It has to start in your heart. I have forgiven my son's father and have accepted who he is. He does not know that, because he will take advantage of this fact. You need to find closure with in you, knowing that you might never get it from them.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I have read this entire post but didn't have much to add.. in fact I still don't except one point.

Hatred and revenge is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies.

Forgiveness sets you free. You will always be a victim of someone's actions against you as long as you allow what they did to eat at you. Also remember that God forgives us in as much as we forgive others. Holding on to these feelings turns us into bitter angry individuals and that poison eats at our souls and our very character. I am not innocent when it comes to this, I have no room to cast any stones at anyone else. This is as much a reminder for myself as it is toward anyone in here.

In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, "[14] For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. [15] But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

None of us are without sin so that applies to ALL.

I agree with you!

[ForeverAmen 0]

Hatred and revenge is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies.

Wow! I am going to remember this. Well said!!

Edited December 3, 2007 by Boaz

[idocare 3]

Very sound advice Bensagin and Mrs Jibowu. Too many times we as women will settle for anyman that got something big between their legs, or any man that wanna spend some time with us, and will allow this man to move in our homes over looking the fact that he don't have a J O B. Only to wake up later to find that while were out there butsting our butts at work he's laying up in our bed with another male or female.....lol ( Lot's of closet gay men out there now-a-days )

It a women that raises a male child and in many cases the father isn't around for that child. There's only so much a women can teach a male child but honestly i ( I don't know the numbers ) but I think most sons raised by single women mature faster, r more mature, and many go on to Graduate a Unniversity or trade school.

Now for some of these men that like to lay-up on a women and have nothing to offer her but sex, I don't know what they may of experienced in their rearing that they think it's Acceptable. Nor for the men that will sit around and wait for that women to be paid, nor for the man that will fix his mouth to ask for money.

Solid point spoken by Bensangin, if these men have money to sit and chat all day, they must not be workin, or that is their job, to sit on the internet and tell us vulnerable women how much they love us only to have some kind of crisis happen to them there and we find ourselves running to western union ( after all that's the honorable thing to do - NOT )

For those of us that have been to Nigeria or any other third world country , we see why people would want to leave and come into the land of milk and honey, but if think for one minute that these same individuals r gonna stay with u and be so greatful towards you for getting them out of their country you can for get it, unless ofcourse you met one that really did love you.

Again as Mrs J and Bensangin said now-a-days you don't even have to leave your house to be scammed more and more countrys r expanding in the internet and more and more people find themseelves be used as a result of internet chatting or meeting someone thru the personals ads. Now-a-days you don't know what your getting, For u, you think your in love and for the person typing all this love stuff he or she may mean it or they may be scamming u.

I totally agree that people need to really get to know their potential mate, cause that excuse of a culture clash is the weakest excuse for abandonment of marriage. We all went into the relationship open to learning a different culture, and like my relationship we talked about the cultural differences and how we were gonna be open to our differences. Well once my ex got here and got me to file adjustment all that talk of communication and understanding was out the door. He became a complete stranger. So I again agree that running to a Foreign country and spending a few weeks there isn't enough time to really know someone or their intentions.

At the end of the day we r all grown responsible people, so who we marry, and how we marry r usually up to us, as is the consequenses for our decisions.

Again it's a women that raises a male usually, I don't know the percentage of men that use women I wonder if it's greater then the type of man a women would want to be their life partner becasue of all the good they do.

[idocare 3]

Okay so I guess your post was intended for me. If so, they way u choose to receive my post is just that. I'm not bitter, who r u to call me bitter what kind of degrees do u hold in counseling. Girl u need to checj your self. Like we have said many times if the shoe fits put it on, it it don't leave it, it's not yours.

You must have dought in your relationship to perceive my words as bitter and what ever else u said. Who made u the analizer and commentator of my writings.

As I respect what u have to say I ask that u do the same toward my postings.

[idocare 3]

MAY LAST POST IS FOR ZAINAB

[Tamikuti7 0]

I don't know what qualifies a person as an "old head" but, I'm still around. I am not surprised by what I am reading. In some ways, I wonder what kind of people are behind the stories. There had to have been more than one failed relationship in your lives. I don't understand what the bible has to do with all of this turmoil, if you had trusted God in the first place, you definately wouldn't be writing this. Don't be religious. Meaning, don't just speak it, live it. It's easy to quote, Muslims and other sects can quote the Bible.

From what I have read, the original poster was having some privacy issues with her husband. Why did it spiral into this nasty Nigerian men, who takes care of who...for lack of a better word....intervention.

If a woman decides that her "man" should pay the bills, take care of her, shovel the snow, wash the car ect, ect, if I am understanding right, that means you are being taken care of, because that is HIS duty. BUT if a man feels that way, then he is a scammer...lol.

What about these glamourous American men? Living it up with another woman while his ex has to hunt him down for child support. And what about the Nigerian women? Watching one Nigerian man after the other marry an American women who after-the fact decide that he is not "good" enough. With the stereotypes that most Nigerian women have about us American women becoming more and more true everytime a marriage fails.

Our marriages don't have to fail. We live in a gimme gimme society, and live in double standards. He can take care of me, but I WONT take care of HIM. Double standard.

I am raising a house full of young men, and I'll be damned if I teach them to take care of some woman without recompense. Working hard, and for what, what about her loving you enough that you shouldnt be the only one doing all the work. What about a man feeling fulfilled when he gets home, and vice versa. What about LOVE. Damn the take care of me, take care of yourself, and when you marry take care of each OTHER.

If you are not compatible, that is an understanding you should get before you marry him/her.

I know quite a few Nigerian men. Loving men, taking very good care of their wives, AND their children AND her children. Not the green card loving men you are dipicting here. If you have found one, then 9 times out of 10, you would have found the same kind of man from any nation or creed. Women tend to find the same man in a different package without realizing it.

As far as the original poster, Heather...live YOUR life, and do what you feel is neccessary for your marriage.

Can you fathom in your minds, that just because a marriage falls apart, that doesn't mean you have to demonize the other person. Wow, I can only imagine what response these men would have if they could give a response to some of this uncontrollable Nigerian bashing.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

There is no one formula with human beings and the dynamics of each relationship varies.

I have heard many accounts of the man spoiling the woman once he works here and make her contributions up to her.

Well said!

and I expect to be spoiled rotten when he gets here! j/k

Lisa

[BESANGIN 0]

"Old Head" is just a term that we used quite frequently among African American fraternities and sororities back in my college days. Merely a slang for referring to upper classmen and folks who had been around a while. Guess I'm kinda telling off my age. Anyway, point taken. I'm going to leave you with many blessings for MANY HAPPY and productive marriages and relationships. Put God first, your spouse second, and yourself last and you will be successful GUARANTEED!!!!!!!! Peace out people.

P.S. I'm done posting, but ladies who have contacted me, you know how to reach me and may still do so. I am still going to be my "brother's keeper".

[Enlighten one :) 5]

There had to have been more than one failed relationship in your lives. I don't understand what the bible has to do with all of this turmoil, if you had trusted God in the first place, you definately wouldn't be writing this. Don't be religious. Meaning, don't just speak it, live it. It's easy to quote, Muslims and other sects can quote the Bible.

I am sorry you did not find my chosen passages helpful. I spent time thinking and looking up scripture that I thought might help women who needed assistance. I am please to announce that I received two private messages from women with an immense amount of gratitude for my post. They were too ashamed to post their personal stories, because they are still going through the pain and suffering of their experience. I was glad I took the time to share in this post.

My posts were to support women who felt attacked my naysayers too. I want them to walk in faith.

If you took the time to read my posts thoroughly, you would realize that I did have failed relationships with men as stated in my message. That is why am here to post my experiences and provide my advice without attacking anyone’s beliefs, values, or race. My experiences were blessings from God. If I do not share them, I will not be doing god's work.

If you have found one, then 9 times out of 10, you would have found the same kind of man from any nation or creed. Women tend to find the same man in a different package without realizing it.

If you read the posts thoroughly, you would have realized I said that already.

Thank you for taking the time to assist us “newbie’s” with your experiences and joy from your experiences. Your story will affirm those to continue on with their journey they started. We all need to share the good, the bad, and the ugly, without attacking people’s religion, race, or creed.

Amen

[Tamikuti7 0]

I'm definately not attacking anyone's religion. Just realize that everyone is not a Christian, especially if you are married to a "Nigerian".

I just don't understand the male bashing, it's of low character to me.

My suggestion to all "newbies" is this, take the time to actually get to know the person you are dating. It's not possible to do that unless you take the time to understand his CULTURE.

Why not research his tribe, not just how much money he is making.

Saying Nigerian as a generalization is not acceptable. You know less than 1% of the population. Nigerians are not just Lagos and the immediate surrounding cities. Get a map of Nigeria and take a look at all the Scammers you are portraying here.

Do you realize that alot of men have to go "find" family members to stand in for their real parents in order to marry an American.That's because there are tales of American women who demoralize their spouses,treat them like property, and not allow the man to flourish as a person. Boss them around and them threaten to send them back home when they arent complying. Alot of men risk getting disowned from their families, it'sd all too sad.

Beleive me, it's not an opinion.

If you want to talk about the downfalls of Nigerians, talk about the counterparts as well. How can it be ALL his fault? Is that even possible? It takes 2 to tangle. I can give you more than 5 instances where the USC is a hot mess, and then blame the non-USC. Believe it.

Reading (some) of your posts would suggest that Nigerians are always at fault, that's not so.

I have a loving family both here and in Nigeria. Wonderful friends, I feel like I should defend them because I know better.

Nigeria is full of smart, resourceful people. Why aren't any of them mentioned here? That's because they aren't online trying to find women. And from what I'm reading there are alot of women to be found.

Who goes to meet someone and be unsure of who they are? It's just as bad here, people meet online, the woman/man gets murdered...come on, take precautions.

If you meet someone online, or on a dating site, take the same precautions as you would as if you were meeting someone here.

Unless you know the family personally tread with caution. That's everywhere.

Saying "Nigerian" is so stereotypical. It reminds me so much of how alot of white america percieved blacks, and in some places still do percieve blacks. Just throwing everyone into one boat. I am not my brother and he is not me, even if we came from the same mother.

If you married a bad apple say HE is a bad apple. Not the whole bushel.

So, I've vented. My name is Tamiika by the way.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

I'm definately not attacking anyone's religion. Just realize that everyone is not a Christian, especially if you are married to a "Nigerian".

I just don't understand the male bashing, it's of low character to me.

My suggestion to all "newbies" is this, take the time to actually get to know the person you are dating. It's not possible to do that unless you take the time to understand his CULTURE.

Why not research his tribe, not just how much money he is making.

Saying Nigerian as a generalization is not acceptable. You know less than 1% of the population. Nigerians are not just Lagos and the immediate surrounding cities. Get a map of Nigeria and take a look at all the Scammers you are portraying here.

Do you realize that alot of men have to go "find" family members to stand in for their real parents in order to marry an American.That's because there are tales of American women who demoralize their spouses,treat them like property, and not allow the man to flourish as a person. Boss them around and them threaten to send them back home when they arent complying. Alot of men risk getting disowned from their families, it'sd all too sad.

Beleive me, it's not an opinion.

If you want to talk about the downfalls of Nigerians, talk about the counterparts as well. How can it be ALL his fault? Is that even possible? It takes 2 to tangle. I can give you more than 5 instances where the USC is a hot mess, and then blame the non-USC. Believe it.

Reading (some) of your posts would suggest that Nigerians are always at fault, that's not so.

I have a loving family both here and in Nigeria. Wonderful friends, I feel like I should defend them because I know better.

Nigeria is full of smart, resourceful people. Why aren't any of them mentioned here? That's because they aren't online trying to find women. And from what I'm reading there are alot of women to be found.

Who goes to meet someone and be unsure of who they are? It's just as bad here, people meet online, the woman/man gets murdered...come on, take precautions.

If you meet someone online, or on a dating site, take the same precautions as you would as if you were meeting someone here.

Unless you know the family personally tread with caution. That's everywhere.

Saying "Nigerian" is so stereotypical. It reminds me so much of how alot of white america percieved blacks, and in some places still do percieve blacks. Just throwing everyone into one boat. I am not my brother and he is not me, even if we came from the same mother.

If you married a bad apple say HE is a bad apple. Not the whole bushel.

So, I've vented. My name is Tamiika by the way.

I still do not believe you had read any of my post thoroughly Tamiika. Your communications appear to have an agenda. I have nothing to vent here. I am here to help and offer my experiences. I Never once stated you were attacking anyones religion. You seem to be very defensive in your postings.

First off I never generalized or attacked any race in my posting. I spoke of my experience with a Nigerian man and an American man. Secondly I also stated in a message that it was not only men that scam for the American dream.

I did not meet my husband online. Although, online relationships can be very rewarding too if done with caution. I met him through a 10 year long friendship with a Nigerian friend who conducts business in Nigeria and America. As I mentioned in my post this Nigerian friend warned me about Nigerian men, because at the time I was chatting with a friend from Nigeria. This is an experience of mine, not a generalization or an assumption.

I did not chose my husband because of his money or lack there of funds. Before you address people in these postings please read there post carefully. Maybe apply some thought behind your words, because the items you are addressing to me are not because of something I have said in my postings. You are taking my communication and applying your own meaning, which is generalizing.

Nigerians are always at fault for what? I spoke of my experience with specific Nigerian men. I never once addressed the Nigerian as a complete race.

I do know my husbands tribe and family history. My brother in law lives here in the state with his Nigerian wife and two children. He is a wonderful god fearing husband and father. I talk with them about once a week and communicate via email daily.

You just made lots of assumptions in your post. I met the most wonderful Nigerian friends with I was visiting Nigeria. The children in that country are respectful of their parents and value their education.

I pray that when my husband arrives in America to reunite our family, I will have wonderful experiences to share. I will not have time to attack people and draw assumptions, because I will be busy taking care of my husband. But please rest assure, if I have an experience that someone can learn from, I will readily share.