helping my wife to adjust

[TracyTN 237]

To the OP: you asked in your thread title if she 'can' adjust. I think track records around here from others with PI spouses will indicate that yes, she very much 'can'.

Its up to her to pick and choose her battles, though. In other words, what is more important to her? The money you spend on her, or the overall quality of life you're trying your damnest to provide for your ENTIRE family (which includes more than just her)?

*edited for clarity*

Edited August 20, 2007 by TracyTN

[ysa 0]

My wife has been here and looking for a job since April. Still no lick with job search. Se has the usual loneliness associated with leaving her life behindas well as the added anguish of having left her adopted so behind in the PI. We are trying to make the adoption move butthe attorney there is dragging her knuckles and we are strugglig to get by on my salary. I dont make a great deal only 40k or so and live in San Diego county, one of the highest cost of livings in USA.

Now my wife is fighting with me always, complaining i dont ever do anything for her, she states everything I do is for my Daughter, movies once a month maybe. Yet I take her to free concerts, and out when I can but the budget just isnt there for entertainment until she finds work. She had finally started to try to bond with my daughter and it wa bearing fruit, but with her attitude it may just stp short soon. I mean this weekend i asked her if she wanted her hair done, she aid yes then and now she ays it wasnt what she wanted, thats $70 later and now she is yelling agin i dont do anything for her.

I gave up my life when she was in PI to support her, for two years I did VERY little with my kid, ad nearly gave up on my second daughter(didnt fight for custody thru attorney exspense). I wrked major overtime,didn take my kid to but maybe two movies in those two years. Now my wif is here and I been wanting to do something special formy daughter before school starts again. So I made camping reservations at Doheny statebeach for ONE night next week and wife is threatening nt to go because everything i do is for my kids. I mean Mywife was living with her mom and coulnt stand it so i built her a house fo 7k. Im at a loss but iknow she needs freinds and work.

I hope she can adjust because even I KNOW I'm a good man I cant take the pressure of this kinda life, work , cook for her, pay school for kid, live perpetually broke, never do nothing for me, let alone be able to just have a lazy day and then get bit** at for doing all i have done.

Any advice is welcome as well as any offrs of online friends for my wfe Rein

Peace ALL

I wish America had it

Tom

Hi Tom,

I think your wife is having problem with culture shock,and jelousy. I know the filipino culture very well coz i was born there she doesnt sounds like the typical filipina, how old is your wife? (if you dont mine) I think shes jelous with you child, with the culture shock it will take time for here to adjust, let her meet some filipino around your area then she can have friend to talk too. Goodluck and May God bless you!

[tomrein 0]

Ok to clarfy some,

My wife is 36, when we met she needed an annulment and she had adopted her child ilegally and now thru my insitance we are straightening it out the correct way, it takes time. I was patient and finaced it all besides the house and so many more things. I gave my life up nearly completely to get these things done. I AM NOT trying to play the martyr. I am the one doing what needs be done. I just feel a little more appreciation is waranted. I Love Rein with my life and dont put my previous children above her. I have a different love for them all. I know life will get better once she gets to work and this is partially due to her frustration at not finding work. But because see never got a reply from a few online resumes she refuses to try harder. Well today she is on interview and hope she gets the job.

Im just tired. I worked so much and so hard to get the visa done and now i hear" you bought me" or if i say i love you a response " i doubt it" or "lies". All I know is I gave up on American women when both my childrens mothers took my children away. No I wasnt married and yes I should have been smarter, but I did think I loved those women, but now Im sure I love the only wife I will ever had or wil have. If this aint it, I think Im done with women completely. Theres always the inernet.

Thank YOU all for your thoughts and I pray you all find the perfect life and harmony of being.

Tom

[Leney 0]

I am sorry, don't mean to sound preachy or bitchy but what?? your "previous children"?? They will always, and firstly be your children, whether they live with you or not. I had admired your interest in their life previously in your first post but..."previous children" says a lot about how you feel. I just don't see how one could put a spouse's feelings ahead of a child's needs. I could honestly never consider how I feel for our children equal to how I feel for my husband, especially as it's totally different love and I know he feels the same. We have 3 very young boys who are dependent on us solely - maybe that makes the difference for me, in where I'm coming from. I am a mother, step-mother, and wife. I love and adore my husband with all of my heart, he is my best friend, but his needs and my needs are secondary to that of our children, whether they are our children by blood or not. We both understand the situation (we were both single parents with sole custody of our boys though before we married, perhaps this makes a difference for us too?) we are in money wise, emotion wise, and adjustment wise. Yes, it is a big change, and I have been on the other side (having had lived in my hubby's country), but there comes a time when ya gotta say "this is either what you want, or not what you want, you love me for who I am, not what I can give you - You were well aware of the situation before you got involved with me, so suck it up or go away." Maybe I'm too harsh, but at this point in my life, I am beyond the game playing stage lol I am not a sugar coated person, so I don't mean to upset or insult anyone, I just believe in being blunt. I let the sugar coated, feel-good stuff to others who actually feel it. I am only me, and only share how I honestly feel.

[TracyTN 237]

Ok to clarfy some,

My wife is 36, when we met she needed an annulment and she had adopted her child ilegally and now thru my insitance we are straightening it out the correct way, it takes time. I was patient and finaced it all besides the house and so many more things. I gave my life up nearly completely to get these things done. I AM NOT trying to play the martyr. I am the one doing what needs be done. I just feel a little more appreciation is waranted. I Love Rein with my life and dont put my previous children above her. I have a different love for them all. I know life will get better once she gets to work and this is partially due to her frustration at not finding work. But because see never got a reply from a few online resumes she refuses to try harder. Well today she is on interview and hope she gets the job.

Im just tired. I worked so much and so hard to get the visa done and now i hear" you bought me" or if i say i love you a response " i doubt it" or "lies". All I know is I gave up on American women when both my childrens mothers took my children away. No I wasnt married and yes I should have been smarter, but I did think I loved those women, but now Im sure I love the only wife I will ever had or wil have. If this aint it, I think Im done with women completely. Theres always the inernet.

Thank YOU all for your thoughts and I pray you all find the perfect life and harmony of being.

Tom

This is the most concerning thing you've written.

You can't buy someone if they're not for sale, so she ought to remember that when she's making that statement. It says more about her and her character than it does about you.

I know you wanted to help her, and that was so very generous - but obviously spending that money on her then has set up some kind of precedent that she expects you to maintain now that she's here.

For her to answer your 'I love yous' in the manner she does sounds like emotional blackmail to me.

I wish you the best, but I think you have a hard road ahead of you.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Im just tired. I worked so much and so hard to get the visa done and now i hear" you bought me" or if i say i love you a response " i doubt it" or "lies". All I know is I gave up on American women when both my childrens mothers took my children away. No I wasnt married and yes I should have been smarter, but I did think I loved those women, but now Im sure I love the only wife I will ever had or wil have. If this aint it, I think Im done with women completely. Theres always the inernet.

Tom, did she not show any of this attitude before she came over here? It is hard to tell whether her negative behavior is because of the adjustment or if she's really unhappy.

What are the good times together like? Do you share a lot of common interests? Meeting local filipinas will help in giving her a social outlet and perhaps they could help give her perspective about her negative behavior.

I'd recommend marriage counseling to try to save the marriage before it things get worse, but it sounds like there are underlying issues with her.

[nicolefarla 0]

excuse me britbird? i am not stating that its part of our cultural heritage you might view it literally im assuming that his wife is a filipina and im stating that its normal being a woman to complain or express what you've felt in a certain situation... this is all about personal experiences not about CULTURES...i don't know about your culture and im not interested, all i know is that we have A VERY GOOD CULTURE (that's why lots of people in the US try their very best just to bring us in the country... )

complaining all the time is part of your culture? That's a lame excuse, and a lame way to live your life IMHO.

[nicolefarla 0]

quote: "i am a filipina also and its just normal to complain.. we know that your financials are broke because of the paperworks processing just to get us here but it doesnt matter coz if you did it to the one you love its just a penny. Trust me i also complains a lot to my husband as in everyday"

Which seems to suggest that it is normal for a filipina to complain. Which indicates a cultural statement.

I personally do not know any filipina's who complain all the time, hence my comment that blaming such behavior on being filipina is lame. It's a personal behavior trait and not something that I think is a very good or nice way to treat your other half.

oh my gosh you really quote it... are you insulting me? i personally do not know people who personally view things literally.... and for your info this is not about culture ... opening topic and assuming things said are part of one's culture is not good... coz in this forum we have different cultures

[nicolefarla 0]

complaining all the time is part of your culture? That's a lame excuse, and a lame way to live your life IMHO.

I think she was trying to help and flaming her for this is somewhat harsh. As a filipina herself perhaps she can give a greater insight into their culture than a Brit could.

thanks Rosemariel for thinking far of my thoughts ... i don't understand, i am only giving my advise and personal opinion to this topic and someone out there put me in a harsh situation that leds to ones CULTURE

Edited August 21, 2007 by nicolefarla

[nicolefarla 0]

Are you sure complaining is a cultural issue or a female issue?

Gaby&Talbert it's all about female issue i don't know why cultural issue was being brought in this topic...well in fact it's quite obvious that we have different culture..

[nicolefarla 0]

I think she is trying to point out that the OP's wife is not the only one who complains. She took example of herself, another filipina, and that she complains during the adjustment period.

It's gone overboard I think to assume that it is filipina culture to complain. Just because 2 people claimed that they complain during the adjustment period and they happen to come from the same place, you can paint the whole culture.

To the OP: good luck on finding solutions. Apology for the distraction from your topic.

i appreciate your sincerity to explain things well that was i'm trying to state but someone brought this as a cultural issue.. my apology also... i mean we are free to state and express whatever we felt but we should be very careful in delivering it... you know what i mean?for what we think might not be the right things to say...

[nicolefarla 0]

give me the yahoo messenger of your wife and i'm going to talk to her about this and comfort her... i really want to help coz i want your marriage to work out .. it's not too late it's just a matter of determination and a matter of adjustment of the new country, new environment... just don't try to hurt her physically .. if she is angry try to calm down coz it's not good for the 2 of you to be angry at the same time.. remember deciding things when you are mad or angry its not good ...there's no decision that can be make in a situation like that...

[britbird 4]

I frankly don't think this is a female issue. Nicolafarla, when you say that it's normal for filipina's to complain, it's difficult not to interpret that literally - if you didn't mean it, then why did you say it? Usually on a webboard when someone makes a flippant or sarcastic comment they indicate it with some faces or something of that sort.

Also, to make a negative comment about being quoted by quoting the other person is, frankly, silly.

Anyway, it seems we can all agree that the lady in question has a multitude of issues to work out, that complaining all the time to one's spouse is not the way to develop and maintain a happy long term relationship, and that when you add children of different relationships to the mix things can get very complex. Add monetary issues and you've got the potential for some very nasty arguments.

I think a good many problems in relationships between people of different nationalities occur because of language and cultural differences, and this can occur even between people who normally speak the same language (ask any american who is married to a brit - we speak the same language, but we may not at times interpret what is said in the same way). In this case you have a gentleman who obviously is working his socks off to try to support his family, and a woman who does not seem to understand the value of money, or that money and love should not be linked. It's my experience that such things can not be argued out, and that this lady may well have to learn the hard way that she needs to grow up a little bit.

[BishopMnA 0]

Great advice throughout this thread. Also, try church. Its a great way for new people to meet people and become involved/learn about their community. Plus, contact with the man upstairs tends to help in stressful time of change

Peace to you as well!

[TracyTN 237]

Are you sure complaining is a cultural issue or a female issue?

Gaby&Talbert it's all about female issue i don't know why cultural issue was being brought in this topic...well in fact it's quite obvious that we have different culture..

So only females complain (because Gaby&Talbert said so)?