Compromise and Marriage

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I think compromise is critical to the success of a lasting marriage. I know it didn't really exist in my first marriage - we ended up doing '#######-for-tat' - conditional agreements (it was something a marriage counselor had us do).

For those who are already together with their SO, how have you managed with compromise in the marriage?

[Fandango 1,440]

Well, D and I are apart now, but being as we lived together for years, I feel like I can answer it for us.

Our rule is usually whoever feels the most passionate about a particular subject wins. But usually we're on the same page anyways.

But if something is really that important to him that he's willing to fight me on, I will yield because him getting his way is more important than me getting mine on something I really don't care too much for. And vice versa.

If we both feel passionate about it, then we each give a little. For instance, there's a pub quiz which he LOVES. I personally would rather have a root canal performed thru my nostrils than to go to it. And we each are as passionate as each other. So it'd be quiz night and I'd always bail, and then he'd go. When he left, I'd be pizzed that he went without me, and he'd be pizzed that I stayed home instead of going with him.

So we decided that we'd alternate. One week we'd go, the next we wouldn't. And we were both happy with the outcome.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Well, D and I are apart now, but being as we lived together for years, I feel like I can answer it for us.

Our rule is usually whoever feels the most passionate about a particular subject wins. But usually we're on the same page anyways.

But if something is really that important to him that he's willing to fight me on, I will yield because him getting his way is more important than me getting mine on something I really don't care too much for. And vice versa.

If we both feel passionate about it, then we each give a little. For instance, there's a pub quiz which he LOVES. I personally would rather have a root canal performed thru my nostrils than to go to it. And we each are as passionate as each other. So it'd be quiz night and I'd always bail, and then he'd go. When he left, I'd be pizzed that he went without me, and he'd be pizzed that I stayed home instead of going with him.

So we decided that we'd alternate. One week we'd go, the next we wouldn't. And we were both happy with the outcome.

That's the thing - no two people are alike. We each have our own interests, views, ideas, etc. I'm a little scared that because I've been making decisions on my own for awhile being single for 5 years, I might take some things for granted and I don't want to.

This may sound silly, but for example, I'm peticular about shopping for food. When Jinky arrives and she starts to shop for our food as well, how do I express that without sounding ####### retentive?

Edited February 26, 2007 by Steven_and_Jinky

[Fandango 1,440]

Well, D and I are apart now, but being as we lived together for years, I feel like I can answer it for us.

Our rule is usually whoever feels the most passionate about a particular subject wins. But usually we're on the same page anyways.

But if something is really that important to him that he's willing to fight me on, I will yield because him getting his way is more important than me getting mine on something I really don't care too much for. And vice versa.

If we both feel passionate about it, then we each give a little. For instance, there's a pub quiz which he LOVES. I personally would rather have a root canal performed thru my nostrils than to go to it. And we each are as passionate as each other. So it'd be quiz night and I'd always bail, and then he'd go. When he left, I'd be pizzed that he went without me, and he'd be pizzed that I stayed home instead of going with him.

So we decided that we'd alternate. One week we'd go, the next we wouldn't. And we were both happy with the outcome.

That's the thing - no two people are alike. We each have our own interests, views, ideas, etc. I'm a little scared that because I've been making decisions on my own for awhile being single for 5 years, I might take some things for granted and I don't want to.

This may sound silly, but for example, I'm peticular about shopping for food. When Jinky arrives and she starts to shop for our food as well, how do I express that without sounding ####### retentive?

Just be honest and find your own way together. And stop stressin about the lil stuff, it'll all be fine.

Me and D living together was an adjustment for each of us. He's a 'squeeze it neatly from the bottom' toothpaste guy and I'm a 'willy nilly' toothpaste girl. It actually really bothers him but I find it funny. Usually he'd just playfully growl at me.

Finding your own groove as a couple sharing a combined space is really just fun...you'll wind up laughing at the things which you thought would annoy..

But here's a perfect example, and it's so perfect I am typing this out while going cross eyed from fatigue, lol. I'm protective of my sleep since I no longer sleep in. And I don't want to go all day being tired, BUT...D's job right now is very busy, it's high stress, etc. And he's been tired too. So I compromised my sleep by staying up til now because it's more important that I ensure he not oversleep this morning. I'm going to be crabby all day & it's gonna suck, but my day planned for tomorrow *or rather later* is less important than D's is today, so I compromised without him even wanting me to. Cos when you love someone...nothing else really matters...you're not going to give a sh!t about who does the grocery shopping, or how a toothpaste tube gets squeezed.

Greater good and all that.

I think you're like reading too many books about how to ride a bike, when ya just need to get on and do what comes naturally.

Anyways, I'm off to bed! nighty night peeps

Edited February 26, 2007 by LisaD

[Reba 2]

Well, we got a second television. He doesn't like some of the shows I watch, and I don't like some of the shows he watches, so we have our separate corners. But there are shows that we watch together and quite enjoy.

On Sundays he goes gaming, and I find something else to do. Of course it used to be that I'd be sitting home alone all the time because he was working 80 hour weeks, but he quit doing that and gave up pizza because it was killing him and killing our marriage.

Once you figure out what your joint priorities are, and what is important to each of you, then compromise just becomes natural.

When we first started dating, it was as easy as I cook and he washes up. Now he does the laundry but I have to put it away because he hates folding. I don't like folding either, but if I don't put it away, I can't find my clothes in the morning. Like today, I'll have to scramble because I was too lazy to put my clothes away. *sigh*

I also compromised by moving to the US. I had a choice. Move here or get a divorce because he was inadmissable to Canada. I moved here. Now we're discussing another compromise, and thinking about moving closer to the border so that I'm at least closer to my family and can see them more than once or twice a year. We're discussing.

[Mags 112]

Steven ~ You think too much!

[Ban Hammer 14,441]

This may sound silly, but for example, I'm peticular about shopping for food. When Jinky arrives and she starts to shop for our food as well, how do I express that without sounding ####### retentive?

steven, you're a guy. you're allowed to sound ####### retentive.

[rob&ana 0]

I don’t think it’s too bad at all that you’re thinking about this kind of things. I think it means that you care a lot, and that you want to make it right this time around. Now, I think you won’t be able to know for sure what are the things that are going to tick you the most or which are the things that you’re going to let pass, until she’s here and you go thru them.

Being for different cultures puts you in for hard work, actually puts both of you for hard work. I guess I can only say that you both have to stay open to change, have tolerance and patience with each other, and compromise. Like Lisa was saying, if you don’t like X but Jinky does, try it every once in a while and viceversa. About the food, boy oh boy, Rob is particular about food (shopping and eating), it used to upset me that he wouldn’t even try certain things (typical from my country), I used to think that he didn’t love me enough to try. Then one day I thought, hey… I don’t like seafood, and not all the love in the world would make me eat it, so why bother?

I guess love and marriage means compromising; the success is in the balance…

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Thanks, everyone. Maybe I'm over thinking it, but I really do want to succeed at marriage this time around. My first marriage was like a tornado that never ended and I still have flashbacks.

[LuzyC 0]

Thanks, everyone. Maybe I'm over thinking it, but I really do want to succeed at marriage this time around. My first marriage was like a tornado that never ended and I still have flashbacks.

Brother Steve,

Here's wishing You and Jinky all the very best in life together!Hope those FLASHBACKS didnt get in between the two

of you!

Get yourself ready for Jinky..lol.. lots of laundry to do..hehe..

[babybunny 2]

I think compromise is critical to the success of a lasting marriage. I know it didn't really exist in my first marriage - we ended up doing '#######-for-tat' - conditional agreements (it was something a marriage counselor had us do).

For those who are already together with their SO, how have you managed with compromise in the marriage?

Javed told me that he is Open minded and Compromising. he has not proven me wrong.

[Mags 112]

Thanks, everyone. Maybe I'm over thinking it, but I really do want to succeed at marriage this time around. My first marriage was like a tornado that never ended and I still have flashbacks.

If you want THIS marriage to work...leave the other one in the past. Go in with a fresh mind and remember, Jinky adores you.

[almaty 19]

understanding each other and that you and her/him are differnet is the first step...trying to control each other will leads to issues...compromise is always expected in a rational relationship

[Fandango 1,440]

Thanks, everyone. Maybe I'm over thinking it, but I really do want to succeed at marriage this time around. My first marriage was like a tornado that never ended and I still have flashbacks.

If you want THIS marriage to work...leave the other one in the past. Go in with a fresh mind and remember, Jinky adores you.

took the words right outta my mouth

[one...two...tree 2,762]

understanding each other and that you and her/him are differnet is the first step...trying to control each other will leads to issues...compromise is always expected in a rational relationship

Amen, brother Dean.