Met a Peruvian woman

[alanm663 0]

Hi

I'm a 30 year old america man and I met a Peruvian woman online in the beginning of June. We started with just emails, but I would email her every night and every morning she would reply to me. Then it moved on to text messages and some messages. We talk(either voice message or text message)for hours every night, and really enjoy each other, telling jokes, talking about music or just just talking about ourselves and our own lives.

She is 30 years old and lives in Lima with her parents and 2 older sisters and grandmother. As most of you know her family is extremely important to her, which is something I really like about her and want to fully support because my own family are rather distant. She is well educated and speaks English very good, and I have wanted to learn Spanish so now I have a good excuse to do just that, I have been teaching myself Spanish for about a month now.

Because we met on a dating site we both have the intention of having a romantic relationship, but have both agreed that we need to meet first before we consider each other anything more then friends. To this end we have made plans for me to visit her in Lima where she lives, in February. I have also made plans to do some sight seeing while I'm there and she will accompany me so we can spend time together, and so I will have someone who can help guide me around.

My main question is this: When she asked if I'd like to come to Peru she told me that I could stay with her and her family in their house, they have a room on the 3rd floor that no one uses. This seemed strange to me, that they would be fine with letting a complete stranger stay in their house. I was wondering if anyone with more experience could give me some advice on this.

Also, any other advice that you might have would be welcomed too.

I've done a lot of reading online about men meeting women from Peru, and I have come across a lot of great wonderful successful relationship stories, and I've heard a few of the horror stories too. I just wanted to add that I trust this woman, I know she is not out for my money. The reason for this is that, while I have known her, her father has had kidney failure and is on dialysis. And her mother found out she had a tumor in her bladder(non cancer thank god but still horrible) and she has not asked me for one single cent, she has asked for nothing more then to have me to talk to her and try to help cheer her up when she's feeling bad about the situation her parents are in.

So that being said, I appreciate any advice any of you out there can give me, and thank you in advance

P.s If I posted this in the wrong forum I apologize, please move it if you need to, thank you

Edited September 12, 2014 by amace6663

[TBoneTX 45,469]

It sounds as though she is being reasonably careful yet already trusts you at a high level.

If you're uncomfortable immediately staying in her casa, suggest that you start out by staying at a hotel. There might be objective reasons why she suggested that you stay in her casa -- no good outside accommodations nearby, etc. Just suggest the hotel idea and listen closely to her answers.

Otherwise, what you say sounds very healthy.

Women in Peru, Ecuador, & Colombia (among other places) have often been subjected to "machista" behavior (a complete double standard of behavior for men vs. women, plus abuse). When I was getting to know Mrs. T-B.-to-be, she matter-of-factly explained machista behavior to me; I took intellectual note but didn't fully comprehend this attitude toward women until I witnessed it first-hand, multiple times.

Some generalizing follows...

As a result of the above cultural phenomenon, and of different upbringing than we are used to observing in U.S.-born women, Peruanas et al. might tend to look for signs of respect. If you respect a Peruvian woman and treat her with decency and high regard, chances are that she'll return that a thousand-fold.

Also, sad to say, a 30-year-old never-married woman in that part of South America can be considered by others to be an "old maid." Mrs. T-B.-to-be openly admitted (in rather good humor) that she was considered to be that, and that she would happily remain single if she didn't find the right guy.

I remember my very first phone call with Mrs. T-B.-to-be. She was my first Latin/South American "potential romantic encounter." We talked, and at the end, in her rusty English, she said, "T-B., whatever happens between us, promise me one thing: don't ever LIE to me." That was the polar opposite of what I'd experienced "domestically," and I could relax and drop all but normal defenses.

Your lady has never asked you for money, which is a good sign. If her birthday or other personal occasion is coming up, wire her the equivalent of $30 or $40 as a surprise, and closely observe how she reacts.

Has anything in your conversations or interactions ever raised your "warning antennae"?

Have you exchanged fotos (Spanish spelling) of each other?

Listen intently about her relationship with her father, and her mother's relationship with him.

Re-read her profile on the dating site where you met, and take every word literally.

Listen intently about her past romantic relationships. What was good, bad, dissatisfying?

Bear in mind something that applies to any relationship anywhere: the e-mail/chat relationship can go swimmingly well, and the phone/video relationship can be fantastic. However, if the in-person trust/interaction/chemistry is found to be lacking, that should kill the prospect of continuing romantically -- for the self-protection of BOTH of you.

When I first met Mrs. T-B.-to-be in person, I had the above in mind. I came down with an engagement ring in my pocket; I was fully prepared to give it to her OR to take it back to the jewelry store where I'd bought it. I'd had to visit 3 jewelry stores before I found one that would agree to a return. I observed how she interacted with me and with others, and I again queried some of her key attitudes. Nothing at all raised my "warning" antennae (highly developed after many years of domestic dating).

Just continue to keep your wits about you, keep probing (over time) her attitudes toward relationships and marriage, and see how things develop. Let me know if any of the above is helpful.

[alanm663 0]

TBoneTX, First let me say thank you for taking the time to tell me about your experiences and the advice you have given, it is much appreciated. I'm not uncomfortable about staying with her per say, as I've gotten to know her really well. It's more that I find it strange that her family would be ok with letting a complete stranger stay in their home, as they do not know me as well as she does. And it may be due to the fact that one of her older sister's met a man from the UK on the internet and he stayed with them as well, and now he and her sister are happily married. I was also wondering if it is more accepted to let people stay in the home of the guests they are visiting. And you are right about not having much in the way of hotels in the area, she gave me her address so I know what's in and around the area where she lives.

"Peruanas et al. might tend to look for signs of respect. If you respect a Peruvian woman and treat her with decency and high regard, chances are that she'll return that a thousand-fold."

I've read this in a lot of different places, and the part about them looking for respect I've found to be true. I've never treated her with anything but the utmost respect(I would treat any woman that way), and she is always telling me that she "really likes how I am with her". And while I'm glad she feels that way, I am just being myself, treating her as I've been taught how to treat a woman.

"We talked, and at the end, in her rusty English, she said, "T-B., whatever happens between us, promise me one thing: don't ever LIE to me."

This is another thing that she has she has told me as well, actually they were pretty much her first words to me, "always be honest with me". And it took me a while to realize that I could lower my guard when I'm talking to her.

I have already sent her some flowers and chocolates for her birthday, I payed around that price for the gifts. She hasn't received them yet because her birth is still a few days away, but I will pay attention to how she reacts.

I have not noticed anything that raised my "warning antennae", and I've been especially careful because I know that there are a lot of scams out there in the internet dating world, I even had a couple women try to scam me before I met my lady. We have exchanged photos, other then the ones that go along with your profile on the website. Her relationship is very loving with her father, as it is with her mother and 3 sisters, in truth I find myself saying "I wish my own family was a little closer like hers"

She has only had one other serious relationship, which ended over a year ago, and ended badly. She has told me all the details about what happened, and to make a long story short, she had been with him for around 5 years, and was engaged to this guy with plans to merry him and he started to screw around on her, and because she was so in love with she didn't see the way he was treating her wasn't right. Some of the things that she has told me that he did just absolutely baffles me.

Thank you again for taking the time to explain some things to me, the information has been very helpful.

[NickD 203]

Also met my wife, actually she found me on a dating site,

Met my wife on a dating site, actually she found me. We seemed to hit if off from the start, After about a month, we both agreed to leave the site. And the same thing with emails, chat sessions, video conferences, and even found these phone cards for 3 cents a minute, we talked every night and 2-3 times a day on weekends.

This went on for about ten months, so I finally said, isn't it about time we met. She was nervous at first, what if we don't like each other in person? But I sent her a plane ticket, She was in Venezuela. Meeting her for the first time was the strangest experience I have ever had, Knew practically everything about her and she about me. And it was magic.

But we both had bad marriages, over the next year, she came up here to meet everyone in my family, And I went down there to meet her two children, we also developed a relationship. Her mother lived in Bogota, visited her with my wife, a wonderful woman, but overly concerned I didn't have enough to eat. She even offered to sell her apartment so we would have enough money to get married. But said it was not necessary.

I feel its great you are meeting her family, will learn what you are getting into and hopefully she can come up here to meet yours. I could not petition for my new stepson, he was barely over 21, but insisted that his mom and sister come up here. After a year of this, had absolutely no problem in signing that I-864.

Now if there is magic between you, that remains to be seen. But just told wife before we met, we would always be friends. We still are friends.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

It sounds as though she is being reasonably careful yet already trusts you at a high level.

If you're uncomfortable immediately staying in her casa, suggest that you start out by staying at a hotel. There might be objective reasons why she suggested that you stay in her casa -- no good outside accommodations nearby, etc. Just suggest the hotel idea and listen closely to her answers.

Otherwise, what you say sounds very healthy.

Women in Peru, Ecuador, & Colombia (among other places) have often been subjected to "machista" behavior (a complete double standard of behavior for men vs. women, plus abuse). When I was getting to know Mrs. T-B.-to-be, she matter-of-factly explained machista behavior to me; I took intellectual note but didn't fully comprehend this attitude toward women until I witnessed it first-hand, multiple times.

Some generalizing follows...

As a result of the above cultural phenomenon, and of different upbringing than we are used to observing in U.S.-born women, Peruanas et al. might tend to look for signs of respect. If you respect a Peruvian woman and treat her with decency and high regard, chances are that she'll return that a thousand-fold.

Also, sad to say, a 30-year-old never-married woman in that part of South America can be considered by others to be an "old maid." Mrs. T-B.-to-be openly admitted (in rather good humor) that she was considered to be that, and that she would happily remain single if she didn't find the right guy.

I remember my very first phone call with Mrs. T-B.-to-be. She was my first Latin/South American "potential romantic encounter." We talked, and at the end, in her rusty English, she said, "T-B., whatever happens between us, promise me one thing: don't ever LIE to me." That was the polar opposite of what I'd experienced "domestically," and I could relax and drop all but normal defenses.

Your lady has never asked you for money, which is a good sign. If her birthday or other personal occasion is coming up, wire her the equivalent of $30 or $40 as a surprise, and closely observe how she reacts.

Has anything in your conversations or interactions ever raised your "warning antennae"?

Have you exchanged fotos (Spanish spelling) of each other?

Listen intently about her relationship with her father, and her mother's relationship with him.

Re-read her profile on the dating site where you met, and take every word literally.

Listen intently about her past romantic relationships. What was good, bad, dissatisfying?

Bear in mind something that applies to any relationship anywhere: the e-mail/chat relationship can go swimmingly well, and the phone/video relationship can be fantastic. However, if the in-person trust/interaction/chemistry is found to be lacking, that should kill the prospect of continuing romantically -- for the self-protection of BOTH of you.

When I first met Mrs. T-B.-to-be in person, I had the above in mind. I came down with an engagement ring in my pocket; I was fully prepared to give it to her OR to take it back to the jewelry store where I'd bought it. I'd had to visit 3 jewelry stores before I found one that would agree to a return. I observed how she interacted with me and with others, and I again queried some of her key attitudes. Nothing at all raised my "warning" antennae (highly developed after many years of domestic dating).

Just continue to keep your wits about you, keep probing (over time) her attitudes toward relationships and marriage, and see how things develop. Let me know if any of the above is helpful.

How is it that you remove posts for stereotyping when people share their personal experiences, yet you write this stereotyping drivel?

[TBoneTX 45,469]

To the above:

Some generalizing follows...

It apparently helped the OP (who has confirmed much of from his own experience), and anyone is free to dispute the veracity of what was claimed.

Edited September 14, 2014 by TBoneTX

[TBoneTX 45,469]

OP:

1. she is always telling me that she "really likes how I am with her".

2. they were pretty much her first words to me, "always be honest with me". And it took me a while to realize that I could lower my guard when I'm talking to her.

3. he started to screw around on her, and because she was so in love with she didn't see the way he was treating her wasn't right. Some of the things that she has told me that he did just absolutely baffles me.

4. Thank you again for taking the time to explain some things to me, the information has been very helpful.

1. This is an excellent sign, even outstanding. Mrs. T-B.-to-be said something like "You are very good with me," in terms of our initial personal interaction. She likes how you treat her.

2. This is another excellent sign. And the guard-lowering is a phenomenon that I wasn't used to, either, but it certainly was nice.

3. Typical machista behavior.

4. Quite welcome. Let me know if you have follow-on questions.

She sounds like a winner, si man.

Edited September 14, 2014 by TBoneTX

[TBoneTX 45,469]

Additional thoughts:

You discovered, I suppose on your own, things that I learned about the respect and machista issues from:

1. A book, published by the directors of a large Latin American dating agency (with which I signed up);

2. A tour director of that agency, who told me (verbatim): "Peru and Ecuador are probably the worst for that [behavior]."

3. The head (husband of an Ecuatoriana) of the matchmaking program through which I met Mrs. T-B.; and

4. Mrs. T-B.-to-be herself.

As stated earlier, I intellectually filed away this information but considered it to be rather unbelievable. I was hit between the eyes with it during my first trip to Ecu, when the first dozen Ecuatorianos whom I encountered turned out to be complete machos (I counted).

On our last trip to Ecu, Mrs. T-B. had a chica-caucus with about 10 of her hyskool girlfriends. Two were unhappily married, two were never-married, and the rest were divorced. She was regaling them in Spanish about her life in the U.S. Not knowing much Spanish, I contented myself with drinking Inca Kolas one after the other while catching only the gist of what was being discussed. Mrs. T-B. told them that I do the laundry, wash dishes most of the time, do half the shopping, don't eat breakfast, take sandwiches to work for lunch, and am not bothered by eating leftovers. One of her amigas exclaimed, "O dios mio!" (oh, my God). A great many men (Papa-Mrs.-T-B. among them) apparently insist on three freshly cooked meals per day, and their wives get punished for failing. The husbands/live-in boyfriends never help with housework or shopping, and often can be drunk (or out drinking with their buddies) much of the time, and are unfaithful -- as your girlfriend's "ex" reportedly was.

After the above caucus, Mrs. T-B. told me of her amigas' individual situations, and I was consciously sad that those perfectly nice Ecuatorianas couldn't meet some decent Americanos.

I think that because you're starkly different from the typical or stereotypical Peruano, her family is relying on her positive words to them about you. I imagine that this is why they're inviting you to stay in their casa when you come. Just keep being yourself, and it will pay off.

Edited September 14, 2014 by TBoneTX

[TBoneTX 45,469]

Addition to addition: I just caucused with Mrs. T-B. about your situation. She agrees 100% with me about everything, and emphasized that your girlfriend must indeed be saying good things about you to her family, for them to agree to your staying.

Mrs. T-B. said that on our second day in person, she recognized that I was a guy who liked to talk and communicate with her, and (considering the basis of what we'd developed previously) that's when she decided to say "yes" if I asked her to marry me.

I conclude that you two have genuine potential. In person, treat her the same way in which you're treating her now. If, after a few days together, she says something like "you are very good with me," then you have her heart.

Definitely keep us apprised of your progress, and give us a complete update about your trip when you go. Then, and meanwhile, continue to listen and observe.

[NickD 203]

Reasonable to have doubts, especially on a dating site. How about meeting a really nice woman, wonderful voice and going on for months only to learn she was sending you phoney photos of herself. Then meeting a 300 pound monster! And not a doctor, but running some kind of scam outfit.

Peru is a long way off, good to have a plan B, just posted a very positive experience, left off all the negative ones.

Two of my friends met women from Peru, and both lucked out, but you never know until you try. Then if you do get serious and want to be together, the issue comes up that one of you will have to leave their culture and family. Will you be willing to move down to Peru?

If you do decide to stay here, is a period of culture shock to be overcome. And also dealing with the USCIS to be assumed guilty of fraud, until you prove you are innocent. This goes on for four years minimum. So you spend this time piling up evidence.

Still have a stepson stuck in Venezuela, been trying for the last five years to get him out. Obama doesn't care, entire Latin America is restricted to 2,500 visa's for this year. Not even safe for us to travel down there anymore, airline service is terrible and six times the price for what is left. So we are planning on meeting him in Italy this coming Friday.

Why Italy, I am third generation Italian and they want me back, and if they accept my family, may even stay there. One thing I have learned about our DOS, NVC, and USCIS, the word "family" doesn't even exist in their vocabulary.

[alanm663 0]

Wow thanks for all the great info guys, all of your posts have been a great help, and are very much appreciated.

TBoneTX

"One of her amigas exclaimed, "O dios mio!" (oh, my God)."

This is something that I've run into with my girlfriend, I will tell her things about myself like the fact that I don't like having 1 night stands, or that I wouldn't just sleep with any girl that i met at a bar, and I don't go out and flirt with every girl I see. Whenever I tell her things like this she say "are you sure", and "if I tell my sisters about this they will not believe me". Not only has she had a horrible experience with the men of her country, but she has a 46 year old sister who refuses to even look at men and has contented herself to a life without marriage because of the bad experiences she's had.

"I think that because you're starkly different from the typical or stereotypical Peruano, her family is relying on her positive words to them about you."

I think you must be right about this, and this is another thing I have noticed, she tells her family everything, she plays all of my voice messages for them and tells them all about what we talk about. At first this worried me a little, but now I'm fine with it because I want her family to like and accept me.

"I conclude that you two have genuine potential. In person, treat her the same way in which you're treating her now. If, after a few days together, she says something like "you are very good with me," then you have her heart."

Thank you for the kind words, and I plan to exactly that, treat her as I've been treating her. I will definitely keep you up on how everything so, especially when I travel there, but that won't be until February.

NickD

"Then if you do get serious and want to be together, the issue comes up that one of you will have to leave their culture and family."

This is something I've thought about quite a bit, but I keep telling myself that first I have to get down there and see if what we feel for each other now translates to feeling the same on a personal level. If it works out like I hope when I go down there, we(my girlfriend and I) will discuss this and figure out what is best for us to do. I've read some of the horror stories about immigration to the US so if thats the route we take it will be hard but it will be worth it, other options I've thought of are: Maybe I'll really like it there and want to move(who knows it could happen). Another option is, she has a sister who lives in London, maybe we could move there immigration is a lot easier from what I hear, and my girlfriend has told me that they are working to make it so there will be no visa needed to go from Peru to the UK. At any rate that is something we will have to give some thought and make a decision together, although I think if I said I wanna live in New York(which is where I live now) I think she would do it just because that's the way she is.

So thank you again guys for all your help, its much appreciated. And feel free to keep posting if anything else comes to mind. Also if someone else has some knowledge to impart it would be welcomed

[TBoneTX 45,469]

Nick makes a good point about deception. Years ago, I corresponded with a chica in North Carolina who sent me only recent head-shot fotos of herself, and dodged the issue of weight whenever it came up. The only full-body foto that I had of her was from several years earlier. I finally flew to meet her, and she really did weigh close to 300 lbs. Make sure that your girlfriend is at least moderately appealing to you in visual terms.

You're doing everything right. As an advance investment that can pay off later, keep thinking of ways to "acclimate her in advance" to the U.S., and particularly where you are. If, for example, you live in "Ciudad de Nueva York" (NYC) itself, tourist websites that she looks at will be largely unrealistic in terms of day-to-day life. (Actually, that applies to pretty much anywhere.)

If you haven't done so already, send her fotos of your casa, your neighborhood, the outside & inside of nearby stores (get permission for taking inside fotos), and give her some idea of distances, transportation, etc. Because you're not committed to her yet, you might present this as "I thought that you might be interested in seeing ___." Ask her to do the same for you. This will generate some nice conversation and be mutually informative.

Before Mrs. T-B.-to-be's arrival, she questioned me closely about what was within walking distance. I told her, "Not much at all." In her little hometown, she could walk most places or take a taxi anywhere for $1. In the bigger Ecu cities, you'd tell the cabbie where you were going and agree on a fare. Where I am, taxis are rare, there are no trains, and no commuter buses. In our first casa, the nearest supermarket was .7 miles away -- not convenient for lugging groceries on hot days.

When she first got here, she decided to walk to the nearest mall (3.5 miles away) one day while I was at work. That, plus seeing the general distances involved, improved her receptivity to driving cars.

Of course, if you're in NYC and she's in Lima, those are both huge cities with some similarities. If you're elsewhere in Nueva York state, modify your explanations accordingly.

Of note, even today (and it will be 6 years here as of Oct. 9), Mrs. T-B. wants travel estimates presented in terms of time ("how many minutes?") rather than in terms of distance.

[alanm663 0]

I think she's beautiful, she's only sent me one full body pic but that was from her trip to London(visiting her sister)which she came back from in June, just before I met her online.

I live out in the country in upstate NY, and I've sent her many photos of my house and land where I live. She has expressed on many occasions that she's sick of the city and all the noise and wants to live somewhere there are trees and green grass, she says this because she really liked a park near her sisters house in London.

My girlfriend has questioned me as well on how close things are in my area, things like the pharmacy, and the grocery store. I've told her that driving is a necessity where I live, which I think worries her a little bit, because she doesn't have much experience with driving because she walks or takes a bus, or taxi anywhere she needs. And driving is apparently hazardous to your health down there because no one follows the laws.

I really don't have any ties to this area other then my mother(she's expressed she would like to move too). Otherwise there's nothing saying I couldn't move to another state or another country for that matter. That is something that I will have to talk to her about when the time comes. One time when I was first getting to know her, she asked me where I would like to live. I told her that I liked the area where I lived now, but a lot of it will depend on who and if I find a wife, because I believe that it should be a decision that a couple should make together. Her reaction was something like "really?". So once our relationship gets to that point, it will be something we will work out together.

[TBoneTX 45,469]

Sounds super -- she'd find it peaceful where you are now, and you could decide together whether to stay or move. Meanwhile, she could learn to drive without big-city pressure.

[NickD 203]

Fortunately my wife and stepdaughter had tourist visas so could see what they are getting into before any commitments were made. Smaller town especially when compared to Caracas, but experienced some minor advantages like taking a walk around the block at night withour fear of getting robbed. Or going to a bank or shopping with maybe at the most, one person ahead of you in line.

In Caracas, was more like a two or three hour wait. She had an international driver's license that my insurance company honored, could bring her car, so got her a new one, but finally got her state license. We spent our honeymoon filling out USCIS forms, had to get those in. But after we got the NOA were free for practically a year until we received our AOS interview notice.

This is when we began to worry. But all worked out.