Filipina jealousy...fact or fiction ?

[waka1 28]

One of the first taboos I learned in the filipina dating game is to never mention another woman, no matter how innocent your intentions are. I spent nearly two years searching for 'the one'. I finally found her, and in a week or two hopefully our K-1 visa will read 'issued'.

I had been married before I met my fiancé and one on my cardinal rules, was and is, that in love there is trust. I believe, if I can't trust my wife, who can I trust ? In all the years I was married I never once invaded my ex-wifes privacy, simply not in my nature.

My fiancé spent 20 years in a modern asian city and was and is very independent woman. I've only ran into the jealousy thing twice in 14 months. The first time she mistook something I said, she never got angry, but let me know her feelings. Fine, the matter was cleared up when I realized it was a miscommunication.

The next incident happened early this morning, when I got a 3am phone call, "is Alex there"..? I mentioned the wrong number phone call to my fiancé innocently in an e-mail to her and I got the third-degree, "who called, Wrong phone number? U mean, u texted to somebody or u received a text?"

Ok, small bump in the road, no problem. We're both grounded people, but I have a small voice in the back of my mind saying will this be a greater problem down the road ? My first instinct is that we're bother stressed about our visa's or on the other hand I may find this jealousy thing getting out of control. I do have a strong personality, I know I will not put up with 'acting out', or verbal abuse.

I've been studying Philippine culture to help me understand the interpersonal dynamics, but I am open to constructive input

Thanks Rob187

PS: on our three week engagement tour of the Philippines jealousy was never a problem, so I may be just thinking out loud

[Hank_ 9,174]

One of the first taboos I learned in the filipina dating game is to never mention another woman, no matter how innocent your intentions are. I spent nearly two years searching for 'the one'. I finally found her, and in a week or two hopefully our K-1 visa will read 'issued'.

I had been married before I met my fiancé and one on my cardinal rules, was and is, that in love there is trust. I believe, if I can't trust my wife, who can I trust ? In all the years I was married I never once invaded my ex-wifes privacy, simply not in my nature.

My fiancé spent 20 years in a modern asian city and was and is very independent woman. I've only ran into the jealousy thing twice in 14 months. The first time she mistook something I said, she never got angry, but let me know her feelings. Fine, the matter was cleared up when I realized it was a miscommunication.

The next incident happened early this morning, when I got a 3am phone call, "is Alex there"..? I mentioned the wrong number phone call to my fiancé innocently in an e-mail to her and I got the third-degree, "who called, Wrong phone number? U mean, u texted to somebody or u received a text?"

Ok, small bump in the road, no problem. We're both grounded people, but I have a small voice in the back of my mind saying will this be a greater problem down the road ? My first instinct is that we're bother stressed about our visa's or on the other hand I may find this jealousy thing getting out of control. I do have a strong personality, I know I will not put up with 'acting out', or verbal abuse.

I've been studying Philippine culture to help me understand the interpersonal dynamics, but I am open to constructive input

Thanks Rob187

PS: on our three week engagement tour of the Philippines jealousy was never a problem, so I may be just thinking out loud

The green monster stirs within all Filipinas Grasshopper, it lingers just below the surface with its eyes and ears tuned to the slightest thing to bring it rushing forth! Do not stress too much about this for it will settle to the depths in time, to sleep a long sleep

If she has not scoured the house rearranging things and searching... she most likely will. As hard as you tried to ready the house there may be something "hiding".

Seriously, it will very likely happen but don't stress about it. Just let the reins fall slack and hang on to the saddle horn, when the bucking stops things will be great... (sorry can't be too serious about this... and yes it's real)

[tolitzpogi 37]

A man trying to understand what goes on in a woman's mind is like trying to pick your way through a minefield while blindfolded... it's not an easy process, and it'll take a lot of time and a lot of work to achieve a good balance. Jealousy stems from insecurity, and in your case it's natural since she hasn't really spent a great deal of time with you yet. Expecting women to think the same way as you do is just a recipe for disaster. Trust takes time - distance and your previous relationship doesn't make it easier.

How do Pinoys get past it? We swallow our pride, keep our egos in our pockets and treat them like princesses. That doesn't mean become p****y-whipped, but rather it means do not disregard them or take them for granted. You have to show that they are part of everything you do, everything you think, everything you plan. Make them feel special coz they are. It may seem alien to westerners or other cultures, but that's how it's usually done there. It's one of the reasons why sappy romance TV shows and movies are blockbusters over there.

But no matter what I say, your mileage may vary. I have had an argument with my fiancee once every couple months, and I have known her for almost 4 years. But we're still together, and we both trust each other, and I am almost always the first one to say sorry or ask for a compromise when we get into fights. Yet she does what I say when it comes to taking care of the bills, the children and the house. She doesn't keep a grudge but I am always ready when she brings up an old argument to reinforce a new one - coz that's how women are! Understanding is not easy, and it's a hit-and-miss from time to time, but once she feels that she's important to you more than anything else, she'll give you the trust that is almost unbreakable... unless you do something stupid like cheat on her, then the opposite is also true - you will almost never gain it back.

Now that's the serious explanation... here's the not so dramatic solution:

Send her flowers and a greeting card every month and buy her a signature handbag every couple months...

Edited August 4, 2014 by tolitzpogi

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Dealing with the long distance and extended separations can make a normal sane person not so rational sometimes. It can make you question things, that would under normal circumstances, you would not think twice about. Being away from the person you love and want to be with is difficult. You have to have a very strong level of trust, more so than other relationships. It's also very hard to be so far away from that person, when everyone else (in their home town) gets to be around them everyday.

I would talk to her about it if your worried, but I think as long as she was fine in person it may just be the distance. Just reassure her, she's the one you want, no other woman could take her place and she has nothing to worry about. Good Luck!!

Edited August 4, 2014 by LionessDeon

[waka1 28]

Now that's the serious explanation... here's the not so dramatic solution:

Send her flowers and a greeting card every month and buy her a signature handbag every couple months...

She has a shoe fetish....lol

Hank your one of a kind...

Thanks for the feedback..

Rob187

[tolitzpogi 37]

She has a shoe fetish....lol

Yeah, it's either shoes, handbags, watches or sunglasses... or all of the above... Brand names are a big deal in the Philippines... you'll see women there going to the mall dressed better than women in the USA going to parties...

Edited August 4, 2014 by tolitzpogi

[waka1 28]

you'll see women there going to the mall dressed better than women in the USA going to parties...

Yes I did notice that covertly...

[Greenbaum 12,259]

Don’t be surprised if you happen to have a Pinay sweetheart who cares for you passionately, who will lack at times a sense of security, and is on the alert; watchful. Instead be kind, forgiving and thankful. In the dictionary of the Filipino, jealousy is the most twisted – and perhaps truest – form of flattery.

Sometimes it's best to turn the other way and not try and figure "what is wrong" when she is jealous. Just move on. Or in the words of ZZ Top, "buy some cheap sunglasses the ones that no one will know your name".

[Al422 221]

Yes it is a bit of a cultural problem. With Candy, it came in the beginning when I was chatting with multiple ladies, at a point where we had no sort of commitment to each other yet. When she got angry, I explained my point of view. I explained that I don't care how many men she chats with because I don't compete with other men. I rise or fall on my own, and if she meets a man she likes better, who the hell am I to hold her back? I told her I would be honored if she chose me, not because I am the only man to choose from, but instead because she has lots of choices and I am the best man for her to choose.

That display of self confidence boosted her own self confidence immeasurably. Since then we have been able to talk about the other ladies I chatted with and why each one of them either turned me off or found someone else they liked better. I am certain one left because I got cancer, even though that lady flatly denied it. Candy on the other hand said that she intends to stay with her husband no matter what his sickness, and the cancer did not turn her off even one bit. That was when I knew I found who I was looking for. And now she is here, we will be marrying next week, and it will be all uphill from there.

[waka1 28]

Don’t be surprised if you happen to have a Pinay sweetheart who cares for you passionately, who will lack at times a sense of security, and is on the alert; watchful. Instead be kind, forgiving and thankful. In the dictionary of the Filipino, jealousy is the most twisted – and perhaps truest – form of flattery.

Sometimes it's best to turn the other way and not try and figure "what is wrong" when she is jealous.

That's why we make man caves...

[waka1 28]

That display of self confidence boosted her own self confidence immeasurably. Since then we have been able to talk about the other ladies I chatted with and why each one of them either turned me off or found someone else they liked better. I am certain one left because I got cancer, even though that lady flatly denied it. Candy on the other hand said that she intends to stay with her husband no matter what his sickness, and the cancer did not turn her off even one bit. That was when I knew I found who I was looking for. And now she is here, we will be marrying next week, and it will be all uphill from there.

I agree Filipinas are special. Best of luck on your wedding day !

[Rlrmsy 1]

Having been married once before to a filipina for 13 yrs, I married another filipina and have not had to much of a problem with jealousy, i feel it all comes down to trust and giving her plenty of attention. The worst thing a filipina can do is the silent treatment ?, the one thing that can drive you crazy for days as you try and figure what the hell you did wrong.

[ppihtr123 68]

Expect the teeth to come out and prepare for Tampo. While Tampo is a much more common art of war tactic, the fact that she is showing a little ownership before the big day, actually demonstrates her care for you. Remember she came here for you so you better be a little understanding.

[Hank_ 9,174]

She has a shoe fetish....lol

Hank your one of a kind...

Thanks for the feedback..

Rob187

I mentioned your post and my reply to my wife she laughed at me, and in her own way she said what Greenbaum said... it is a sign of her love and commitment, may be in a round about way but its a reason to... just smile.

[waka1 28]

Just looked the word Tampo:

"The basic expectation of one who engages in tampo is that the offending party will woo or cajole him or her out of the feeling of being unhappy. The Tagalog word for this is amuin.^[2] This wooing and cajoling is done in a loving and tender way, a gesture called lambing.

For the offending party, the typical Philippine way of dealing with tampo is to respond to the offended party with friendly overtures or expressions of concern, after a short "cooling-off" period. Not to do this may cause relations, especially romantic ones, to deteriorate. In most instances in which tampo is engaged in, healing the inner, emotional relationship between two people is usually more critical than resolving the issue itself"

Haven't got to the 'Tampo' chapter in my cultural studies...but I get the picture