So-called friends...etc....

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

Ok, Chris, to make it clearer I would like to point out that I am the male Indian fiance and I was talking about the situation with my Indian origin USC fiancee. We are facing this pressure from her family, not letting it guide our future, but we would like it to be different where our families do respect and give support to our relationship. Hence my question how anybody in the same situation would or is handling this....We do understand that it our life and our decision....

Sometimes....When family and friends...see the devotion..love..respect..and caring nature of the relatonship they come around..

What this means...is you might not get their totally support at first...but as time passes and you both prove they are wrong...They start to beleive also... So you might have to just prove it to them..

in the beginning..Show them their attitudes won't change your feelings for her... and if they are good people they will see this and respect your strength in your decisions...As the male you need to stand your ground for the one you love..Be strong.. they will respect this..

My mom had a problem with my ex (to bad I didn't see it also) and I finally told her.. Mom..I love her and I'm going to marry her.. So it's up to you if your going to support me in this decision if not..I don' care...

She came around after she saw I was in love and serious.. In the long run She was right about the Ex..but I had to stand my ground and figure it out for myself....

Stand your ground..

[lak&ajm 0]

Dehliguy,

If there is one thing I have learned with my relatively new friendships I have formed with Indians and of course my relationship with my fiancé, is the importance of family in India. I have one friend in particular who has told me numerous times she is a dutiful daughter and will marry whomever her family tells her to marry.

Families who have immigrated to the US with children now in the marriageable age may have become American citizens, but they have retained their code of morals and ethics and generally have passed this on down to their children. The kids have been raised as Americans and see all the "freedoms" and such most other kids (their friends) have, but they still many times will follow the wishes of their family.

I wish you well with this. I am very American in my thinking. Family is important, but your new family (meaning your wife once you get married) is more important. I would say go for it! I know how Indians like to think, but I would hope that once you get here and they see how happy you have made her, they will come to realize this was the right move for her. It might take some time, but I would think love for their daughter will eventually win over pride.

Again, good luck. I completely understand where you are coming from and the situation you are in. I am extremely lucky. My family is of European descent, I am approximately 8 years older than him, single mother, different religions, but his family is a very progressive thinking family and we have their support. It totally amazes me!

Lori

Who are you marrying ??

Remember you and your SO are the couple...No matter what...you can't let others in your relationship...you two are the team..if you don't have this..Someone can tell you or her stuff..and ruin your life.. You have to trust your SO with your life..if you let family run your life now..imagine how it will be in the years to come...

Sorry I'm a firm beleiver that there needs to be total trust between two people.. and your SO won't every trust you if you let your family dictate your feelings..now

Putting a new spin to this for the USC....What if the ones looking at your relationship are the parents and family you trusted all your life? This is the situation that my USC fiance finds herself in, with her family directly thinking that I am in it for:

1) the GC

2) what they termed as "trying to be attached to their family" (social status) - Indians would understand this better, but its a case where her Dad is thinking that I am a gold-digger, without even getting to know me or my family. He did not try to find out about my family, while assuming and saying to my fiance that my family must be poor.

Some background: I was working for her Dad's company when we met, and for him it was supposedly a loss of face and social standing that his daughter should get married to one of the "employees", even though my family is well-off on its own anyway. As per Indian customs (her family is Indian origin, migrated to the US 25 yrs ago), after we decided to get married, I asked my father to go down to Mumbai, where we were, and meet her Dad and her Dad refused to even meet him even though my father waited and waited for a positive response to meet.

So, my quesiton is, what would you guys/girls say to your parents and do if faced with a similar opposition from your family? Please consider that my fiance has always been very close with her parents till this, and is also dependent on them, partly, since she is managing a small company with her father.

(I understand the feeling of any Dad wanting to get his daughter married to a person who would be able to take care of her, but that is not a question since I am financilly very secure, with a bright career ahead of me)

What is really funny is that one of his reasons being that I am from Delhi - All Delhites are bad, selfish, corrupt people per her Dad you see (They are orginally from Mumbai - so its like a LA-NYC divide maybe)

ETA: I am also eagerly anticipating a good comment from Gupt on this....

[Karen_L 1]

I'm sorry to hear this. I experienced the same thing and still do. My so called "used to be best friend" loves to send 'anti-muslim' emails to me at least weekly. She rarely calls and if we just happen to see her out, she acts like she's still my best friend. I've learned through this whole process you learn who your true friends are and make even better friends. Maybe it takes something like this to really find out who your true friends are.

I had almost the exact same thing happen to me a few days ago -- I thought that my friend, once my husband got his GC and was, you know, still around and NOT beating me, cheating on me, ordering me around like a slave and all the other things she said he would inevitably do because he isn't an American, all of the judgment would stop. I was wrong. I was grilled while I was sitting in the salon getting my hair done about everything -- whats he doing now? Not at work? Why not? How often does he work? What does he do when he's not working? all in this incredibly accusatory interrogating tone of voice. Ugh! Meantime, I know that she and her boyfriend have this MAJOR problem and all the while I was questioning myself whether or not I should bring that up, embarass her, and turn the tables on her. I still consider her my friend, so I didn't do it. But really... I probably should have.

This process really does show you who your friends are, and HOW your friends really are -- this girl, who I once considered intelligent, open-minded, etc now seems the opposite to me because of how she's acted regarding my marriage.

[garya505 2]

Vhi, I still think you have the best photos of you and your fiance!

[Cali Gal CPA 0]

Some naysayers are explicit and would say it to your face, while others are mum and hope that looks and simple gestures would do the trick. Some of my husband's so-called friends were like this, but we got married anyway.

The first time I met my husband's family, I knew that they were dying to ask the question. This is something I've come to expect, as should any foreign fiance/fiancee, husband/wife of USCs. My sis-in-law was the brave one who asked me the question one summer night while vacationing in LA. I told her that my hubby can shove the GC up his a** because that's not basis of this marriage. I let her know that I lived quite a comfortable life back home, and didn't really need to emigrate to the US if not for him. I told her that if things go south, I will catch the next flight back home.

I became a USC this year and hubby and I are still blissfully married, still going strong. His family and friends' concerns were genuine, and they had a negative first impression of our relationship not because of my character, but because of our geographical differences. The key is to not let yourself be affected by all these, and distinguish that people don't often know how to express their concern so they hurl hurtful words. They may be genuinely worried, but they're sure not doing a good job showing it, so it's best to reassure them. After a while, hopefully, their worries will fade.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

THese will turn out to NOT be your friends i'm afraid. Maybe we should just turn the tables, my AHmed prides in his manners and thinks everyone else should do the same. If he asks "how are you?" and you dont respond back with the same, he will tell you I'M FINE TY FOR ASKING, maybe we can say something to the effect, THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN AND WE WILL BE SURE AND LET YOU KNOW WHEN WE HAVE THE CARD IN HAND

[Joey559 1]

I'd just say 'wow is that how little you think of me, no one could possibly want me for me, huh? Thanks for thinking so much of me, you obviously care about me." Usually that wakes people up to how mean that comment actually is. I've only had to say it once and they immediatley felt bad and tried to explain it was only a joke. Luckily everyone has been REALLY great - some are just stupid and don't realize how hurtful ####### like that can be.

[vangogh 0]

Hi--I know how you feel. There are a few women I work with who just don't understand what I am going through. The first time I mentioned my fiancee was from India they got a look of horror on their face and said they didn't want me to get hurt. I decided to not share anything with them after that. You can definitely get a feel for who is receptive to the fact that you have a foreign mate. Share the ups and downs with those you trust and let those who are skeptical only hear the good stuff until your mate is here.

I hope that helps. Good luck!

[dani_christine 0]

i got these comments when we were engaged, too. the good news is, since we've now been married for a year and a half, those comments have stopped. i usually answered with something along the lines of what others said, about how it *is* actually possible that he loves me. i also always said something like, "let me assure you. the idea that someone would actually leave a country like the UK, jump through the terrible hoops our government is making him jump through, and come to the US just to get the awesome benefits of being a non-citizen in this country is ludicrous. believe me, if he wanted to live off the government, it'd be much easier to do that if he stayed where he is."

people are just ignorant about immigration. i still hear all the time, "so he's a citizen now that you're married, right?"

[one...two...tree 2,762]

If it's family members, it's not so easy to just to blow them off. My sister-in-law is from the Czech Republic, so I thought of all people she would be understanding, but when I sent her an email along with some pics of Jinky when we started our LDR, my sis took the liberty of asking me what my problem is that I can't find date somebody local.

I was hurt by her remarks but I know she meant well - she was trying to be honest about her feelings about it.

Sometimes it takes some people longer to accept your relationship for their own personal hang-ups, prejudices and ignorance. Whether they are vocal or not, those attitudes exist. I'd just give them time to know your husband and they'll come around eventually. If not, then it is their loss.