Need help urgently, problem with parents

[OJSub 0]

Hi everyone. My fiancee, a Chinese citizen, and I are in a tight spot. I got the NOA2 for our petition back in January. The expiration date is May 4th. My fiancee has not begun the visa application because her parents have suddenly changed their minds about her coming to the US and will not give her a copy of her birth certificate. She says that she needs to provide "proof of permanent residency" in Beijing, where she has been living and working for the past 4 years. Needless to say this has become a very stressful situation and I we are very concerned about running out of time to get the visa application in. She tried calling here hometown's "public security bureau" but apparently they weren't much help. If anyone at all has any advice at all please help.

[Darnell 8,479]

does she have a hukuo book from the prior city, in her hands?

does she have a hukuo book from her current city, in her hands?

[CandZ 7]

Can she reason with them ? This is one of my greatest frustrations to witness in life, parents (or anyone for that matter) feeling like they have some ownership of their children. I would persuade her to reason with them as an adult, not in a begging or desperate manner, but with the stature of grown and independent woman who knows her right for independence. Freedom from oppression is something humans have fought throughout history, and it is each individuals right to have, don't give up, sometimes freedom is something you must demand rather than ask for. I have said it before on these forums, forgive me if I seem harsh, but anyone who tries to stand between me and my will is not dealt with lightly.

[OJSub 0]

does she have a hukuo book from the prior city, in her hands?

does she have a hukuo book from her current city, in her hands?

Thank you for your reply. I asked, and she doesn't have either one in hand. She is still registered at her parents residence, and I think this is one of the documents her parents are withholding. She does have a passport and a drivers license though.

[OJSub 0]

Can she reason with them ? This is one of my greatest frustrations to witness in life, parents (or anyone for that matter) feeling like they have some ownership of their children. I would persuade her to reason with them as an adult, not in a begging or desperate manner, but with the stature of grown and independent woman who knows her right for independence. Freedom from oppression is something humans have fought throughout history, and it is each individuals right to have, don't give up, sometimes freedom is something you must demand rather than ask for. I have said it before on these forums, forgive me if I seem harsh, but anyone who tries to stand between me and my will is not dealt with lightly.

Thank you for your reply. We have been talking about this quite a bit tonight. She has been trying since her visit home during the Chinese New Year holiday, talking with them on a daily basis. Apparently they even tried to set her up with a new boyfriend. I gave her advice similar to what you describe. I even suggested her consulting a lawyer as a final resort. I don't know if that would help, but I wanted to put all options I could think of on the table. I share your opinion about trying to seize control of my, or anyone else's, life. I love and respect my parents, but it would not be pretty if they tried to do the same thing to me. If her parents are stubborn, is there any way to extend expiration date on the petition?

[CandZ 7]

Thank you for your reply. We have been talking about this quite a bit tonight. She has been trying since her visit home during the Chinese New Year holiday, talking with them on a daily basis. Apparently they even tried to set her up with a new boyfriend. I gave her advice similar to what you describe. I even suggested her consulting a lawyer as a final resort. I don't know if that would help, but I wanted to put all options I could think of on the table. I share your opinion about trying to seize control of my, or anyone else's, life. I love and respect my parents, but it would not be pretty if they tried to do the same thing to me. If her parents are stubborn, is there any way to extend expiration date on the petition?

I don't know about extending your deadline, do some vigorous searching until you find an answer. In the meantime she must wear them down with her persistence. You and your fiancees motivation is stronger and more pure and true. Use that motivation to drive them to surrender. They cannot deny her forever if she speaks of nothing but her desire to marry you. She cannot stop until she wins, her love for you will triumph. I don't mean to say they don't love her, but in this particular instance their selfishness to keep her is greater than their love for her. This happens to many people, where the people that love them become blinded by some other human emotion, but she can have her freedom with continued, peaceful demanding.

[Susi&Charlie 9]

That's rough. Sorry that they are trying to stop you guys from being together. It's a different culture there…

But anyway, isn't there a way for her to get an official copy of her birth certificate from some type of government office in the town she was born?

[OJSub 0]

If anything necessary, you can ask your fiance to go to the local registry police station to ask the officers there to provide the birth certificate. Note one thing that it's just a statement about her name, birth date, ID number, where born, parents name and their ID, her registry address. Be sure to make clear about the date and stamp of the birth certificate statement. As to the English translation version of b/c, you can tell your fiance to get it translated in a notary office in her registry province. It's not that hard to do all these things. As to if she needs to provide her registry book or not, I am not so sure. But I didn't use registry book anyway.

It's not the time to reason with her parents. She may be born to a family with a very strict family education. She is an adult and she needs to know what is best for her. If she yields to her parents, only to prove that she is not in love with you that strongly enough. And if she really values the relationship with you, tell her to hurry to finish the rest documents work. It's not time to beg or reason whatever. And time is a good problem solver. One day her parents will agree with her choice and realize that she deserves her challenges.

Thank you for the advice. I think it is both her birth certificate and her registry book that are being withheld from her. She has been living and working in Beijing since she graduated college 4 years ago, but never registered her residency there. She was able to obtain a passport a couple of years ago, but I don't know what the government there requires for that application. I will tell her what you said about contacting the registry police station, but I think she may have already tried that. Is there no other way to get her registry book other than obtaining it from her parents? I don't really know what sort of document that is. It seems that as an adult, she should have free access to all of her official records. And I know she is worried about destroying her relationship with her family, but as you say, they love her and in time should come to accept the choices she has made for her own life. Thanks again, and please share any further knowledge you have about what documents are absolutely necessary during her K-1 application.

[OJSub 0]

That's rough. Sorry that they are trying to stop you guys from being together. It's a different culture there…

But anyway, isn't there a way for her to get an official copy of her birth certificate from some type of government office in the town she was born?

Thanks for the reply. I know that she has contacted a registry bureau in her home town, but from what I gathered from our conversation, that office wanted to see her residence registry book before they would give her anything. I think this registry book is one of the documents her parents are withholding from her. I'll ask again and make a phone call to the consulate later tonight after the sun rises there. Maybe they can make it more clear to both of us exactly what documents she needs to go forward with the application.

[DanishBill 15]

Have you thought about flying over there and meeting with her parents? I spent a week with my fiance's parents and at the end of the week they gave us their blessing - just a thought.

[OJSub 0]

Have you thought about flying over there and meeting with her parents? I spent a week with my fiance's parents and at the end of the week they gave us their blessing - just a thought.

Thanks for the reply. I actually just cleared that idea with my boss today and got the OK to take off for a week if I need to. My tourist visa just expired this past weekend though, so I would have to get another one quickly. I am going to talk with her again tonight and see what she thinks about this idea. From what I have been able to get from her, and a friend of her mother who lives in the states, is that they are concerned that she will not be able to find a good job here and will end up living poorly. I'm not rich, but I do make a comfortable salary, so they need to understand that she will be safe and secure with me. Unfortunately, they don't speak any english, and I don't speak any chinese, so communicating with them will be hard. I am ready to make the effort though.

[Maleman 5]

I heard a teacher state the following cliché I heard years ago, “Go in like a lion, come out like a lamb.” Well, in your case I would recommend the opposite. Both you and your fiancée should first go in like a “lamb.” However, fist you need to find the “sweet” spot with her parents first. In other words, address their concerns with solutions. Outside of the culture difference you have not elaborated much on specifics her parents are concerned about. If it is culture alone, then I would first explain and be as creative as possible to state that their daughter will be surrounded with the Chinese culture in your area. If it is about religion, I would fly over there and join whatever religion they are affiliated with. Please understand I’m not one for deception, but sounds like her parents are not being fair. Least, but not last, go in like a lion if the first method does not work. Meaning, the reality is the daughter is in love, and she will eventually make the move. When she does, and there are ill feelings with the parents, you guys may not visit too much. Additionally, there may be a relationship with grandchildren that they might reconsider not missing. On a sad note, if it is about you being an American alone, then you most likely have a hard rode to tow. In short, first discover her parent’s line items of concerns and go full swing to assure them that you will meet their demands. God’s speed my friend!

[Ippsy Pippsy 31]

Have you ever met the parents?

Something else to consider, they might be worried about who will take care of them as they age. Also, are you planning on petitioning for them?

How is your knowledge of Chinese culture? Maybe its worth looking through the China forum subsection?

It is reasonable for them to worry about her quality of life, is there a Chinatown near you? (Does anyone in it publish a newspaper you could take?) Perhaps you could take information about Chinese events in your area, and that would make them feel better? Give them a picture of what her new life would look like in terms of activities/etc. Meanwhile, you can work on getting the paperwork.

Edited March 5, 2013 by Ippsy Pippsy

[Darnell 8,479]

Thank you for your reply. I asked, and she doesn't have either one in hand. She is still registered at her parents residence, and I think this is one of the documents her parents are withholding. She does have a passport and a drivers license though.

alas, the hukuo book is a must, for birth certificate and police clearance certificate and certificate of single status.

I suggest you show up and plead your case with the parents, come with cash . Seriously, come with cash.

[OJSub 0]

I heard a teacher state the following cliché I heard years ago, “Go in like a lion, come out like a lamb.” Well, in your case I would recommend the opposite. Both you and your fiancée should first go in like a “lamb.” However, fist you need to find the “sweet” spot with her parents first. In other words, address their concerns with solutions. Outside of the culture difference you have not elaborated much on specifics her parents are concerned about. If it is culture alone, then I would first explain and be as creative as possible to state that their daughter will be surrounded with the Chinese culture in your area. If it is about religion, I would fly over there and join whatever religion they are affiliated with. Please understand I’m not one for deception, but sounds like her parents are not being fair. Least, but not last, go in like a lion if the first method does not work. Meaning, the reality is the daughter is in love, and she will eventually make the move. When she does, and there are ill feelings with the parents, you guys may not visit too much. Additionally, there may be a relationship with grandchildren that they might reconsider not missing. On a sad note, if it is about you being an American alone, then you most likely have a hard rode to tow. In short, first discover her parent’s line items of concerns and go full swing to assure them that you will meet their demands. God’s speed my friend!

Thanks for the reply. From what I have gathered her parents are worried about her job prospects and her language skill here. Her family is not very religious, so I think that wouldn't be the problem. As far as me being American, it was her mother's idea to have her friend here in the US introduce her to an American. I am doing my best to address any concerns they have, but I can't speak with them directly because of the language barrier. I am having to convey everything through my fiancee and the family friend that introduced us to each other. They seem to be plugging their ears though. But the problem is not that my fiancee is bowing to their will, it is that they have her residency record, or "hukuo book," and are basically holding it hostage. From what little I know about it, that document can nearly impossible to obtain except through a parent, even as an adult. I will take your advice into consideration when dealing with them. I may make an emergency trip to China to meet with them in person. We are just running out of time as far as paperwork deadlines go though.