Need info please! Help!!

[Sweetcheeksss 91]

Hello! Just a little background, we are in the process of Removal of Conditions. Me and my son's cards expire in early Feb and we already have the year extension letter. Long story that I really won't get into buuuut he's decided he's a grown man now and doesn't really need mom anymore and he's moved out of our home. He's being quite a jerk to me (long story).

Anywho, my question is, he's got his almost expired green card with him, but not the extension letter and of course, he won't have his new card.

Can he get into college with his expired card? Can he get a menial entry level job without having to show it? He has current, state ID and his social security card.

Thanks for any info - I tried to google it but no luck.

[Enigma11561 336]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. The letter gives his GC new life for one more year by which he will need to do his removal of conditions. He MUST show up for his biometrics and interview to get his 10 year card. Just showing an expired GC without the letter will not help him as others may think he is now here illegally, which he is not.Most job applications will ask if you are a US citizen and answering no will prompt a look see at his green card. Don't you just wish you could smack them in the back of the head a few times and make them "smell the coffee"? Living on his own, I don't know his age, may teach him some responsibility but on the other hand may give him too much freedom and possibly get into trouble he does not need right now.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Enigma11561

[Sweetcheeksss 91]

He's 18 and he thinks he knows everything and neither needs nor wants any advice from me.

He has his almost expired card (but not the extension letter - I have it here at the house with me), he has a valid state ID and his social security card. What I would like to know is if he can still move forward with college plans and *if* he's able, to get an entry level type job? Or will he have to provide his unexpired green card for those things?

Thanks again for any information, I'm so upset I can't focus very well.

[NikLR 13,220]

He probably should at least have the extension letter.

Honestly if it was me, and my daughter was being a butt to me, I'd be like "well it's awesome you want to be on your own, doing your own thing. However you aren't going to get far if people think you're an illegal immigrant. So you might want to drop by and pick up your extension letter. Just sayin'" Then hang up and let the shoe fall where it may. It sucks but many kidsd want to do their own thing, their own way or think they know everything. Heck my mom used to have a sign on the wall to that effect! Just like this one:

LOL!!

While it sucks, let him do his own thing. He will learn. We all do. He will learn better, faster and easier if you let him do the hardest thing for a mom to do and that is just let him be. Eventually we all get over ourselves and pull our heads out of our butts. This too shall pass. *hugs*

[Ontarkie 13,917]

Did you get 2 extension letters, 1 for him and 1 for you? I ask because I thought it was weird that we only got 1 extension letter, the kids never did get their own. (This was a few years ago now)

I would not want to give him the extension letter if it's just the one. He will probably be calling you asking you to bring the letter if and when the college needs it. I can't for the life of me remember if we ever showed the college the boys GC.

I was drilling in my oldest boys head to make sure he never marked anything as a USC. It would drive me nuts if he moved out.

[Sweetcheeksss 91]

Yes, we got two letters, one was actually addressed to him and it pretty much just said that because I had filed for removal of conditions, he by extension was covered for a year.

All his life, it's just been the two of us. Until 6 years ago when I got married. We've had a close relationship, normal teenage stuff, etc.

Let me just give a lil history. For a year he's had a girlfriend (his 1st). And as the year progressed, he wanted to follow our rules here at the house less and less. Didn't want to keep up with his homework, didn't want to do his chores till I yelled at him, but yet he wanted his allowance (and more), wanted to not have a curfew and whenever we would argue (because he felt he didn't need to follow my rules, and of course, I'd get upset and yell) he'd say he wanted to talk about it, but of course, by then, I'd be SO upset I was faaaaaar past wanting to talk.

Two weeks after his 18th birthday, he wanted to go see his girlfriend, I said no, there were things to do at the house, he said "let's talk about this" I said no, there was nothing to talk about because he wasn't allowed to go and bang - he says "Ok well then, I'm moving out". Of course, I was furious. So I called his bluff and said "Ok then, fine - move out" and he did. I figured he'd be back within a week but now, it's a month later and he's still perfectly happy over there. No rules, he sleeps in the bed with his girlfriend, right down the hall from her mom. It blows my mind, I can't comprehend that situation...

And so today, I went to his school to try to get him to put aside his anger - he said the whole reason he moved out was because all I ever did was yell at him and I would never "talk" about things. But he wanted me to talk to him like we were peers and he still can't wrap his head around the fact that we are *NOT* peers and we never will be. Even when I'm 80 and he's 40 I'll still be his mom.

At the school, I said to him "Lets put the stuff behind us and move forward." He was really acting cold and so I said "Hey, if we want to have a relationship going forward we have to let this old stuff go, you want us to have a relationship right?"

And he said "No, not right now I don't". It broke my heart. I left and we haven't' spoken since. And i can't stop being sad, what if we never EVER speak again? I don't know what's going on - I'm kinda lost cause the reason he said why he left isn't severe enough to never want to talk to your mom ever again over...at least not in my opinion.

Sorry this is so long, kinda therapeutic to get it out, my hubby is training so there's no one else for me to tell cept my dogs, and they don't give very good advice lol.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Sweetcheeksss

[NikLR 13,220]

To be honest while you're his mom, as people get older, your mom tends to be more like a peer. I talk to my mom about things I need to talk about, and get advice from her as a mom... But I mostly talk to her like she's my friend because she is. I know she will always give more advice than a normal friend would, and my best interests are always closest to her heart. Even if she doesn't think I'll like what she has to say. She is still my friend and I like being able to just be myself and be friends with her. For her, it's very hard to do. She know she occasionally has to bite her tongue and let me figure it out when she could easily just be like "look kid, do it this way." I think it's the hardest when we are parents is to let our kids figure stuff out themselves.

Think about it, when he wanted to talk, you wanted to be strict and make rules that could never be bent. He pushed his limits because he wanted more say, more freedom and to learn to be who he is. You pushed back instead of explaining why. Did you ever hate it when your parents said "because I said so" or "just do it"? I know I say it to my 9 year old, and I catch myself and have to stop and explain. I like it being explained. So does she. I have to understand that she can handle an explanation Does that mean I always have to give one? No. But I do want to be her friend one day, so she will trust me with her life, her feelings, her darkest secrets, her worries, her happiness and everything else. How can we help as parents if we don't know those things? So more often than not, even if it's after the fact, I explain. I think it's a fine balance. It takes more patience than any child EVER knows until they become a parent too. It's not easy.

I don't doubt that he'll want to talk again. But you have to be open to it, let him know you're there and willing to make things work. But that also means you have to let go of being a parent a little. It will not be easy or quick. But it will happen if you put your mind to it. Show him love. Be open. Explain what you were thinking and why. I think in that way you'll find him back in your life. It will be a fragile balance for quite some time though. You'll have to be careful and not push too much. Both of your feelings are hurt and they take time to mend.

again.. **hugs**

[Ontarkie 13,917]

Kids gees, I'm sure he will come around. Vent away.

[NikLR 13,220]

Oh yes feel free to vent. If i'm babbling too much and you don't wanna hear it, you can tell me to shut it too. LOL It's quite alright and I apologize if I offend or hurt you with my comments. I honestly am trying to be helpful but sometimes the most helpful is to just shut up.

[Kimbear 53]

Maybe its just me growing up seeing my older sister's relationship with my mother but , well, i don't like the idea of being peers. Never have. I've watched my sister go out with my mom to bars and drink even. But in my minds eye..shes my mom you don't do that. And i guess seeing their relationship like that kinda of demeaned her in my eyes too. i dunno..like i said its prolly due to the way i grew up but yeah..shes my mom not my best friend. lol.

[Marilyn. 340]

I think I get along better with my mom as friends then as mother and daughter. When I was living at home we would argue a lot but once I moved out we got along so much better... that being said she is still my mom and I am still her daughter.

[Ms Hogan 295]

I have 4-year-old and 7-year-old boys... I can only imagine what's to come!

[Sweetcheeksss 91]

Thanks everyone. No worries, you're not hurting my feelings and I'm grateful for everyone's input. I'm just kinda floundering here to be honest. I tried to reach out to him yesterday, I wanted to let him know that I was going to try REALLY hard to let go of the hurt of him moving out and that I had hoped he could let go of whatever issues he was hanging onto. And then, hopefully, we could move forward.

No dice. He completely shut me down by saying that he was not interested in having a relationship with me right now. So, so hurtful. And now, I am not really interested in getting my feelings ripped apart again. Until he apologizes to me, and really means it, I won't be putting myself out there again.

Anyway, thanks for listening, it's greatly appreciated.