Dying to live

[Andrea&Henry 311]

The best post I read so far girl. You made my day. I think you speak for all of us...for all the beneficiaries who left everything we knew and know for love. I just printed to remain myself Im not alone and Im not the only one...is just a transition and there will always be a new spring

Edited October 23, 2012 by Andrea&Henry

[Andrea&Henry 311]

I didn't expect I'd feel this way. It was all bright and sunny and blissful five months ago when I have my I do.

I left everything I loved for someone I love most. To build a life with him is worth letting go of the life I knew. To be his wife, to bring him good all the days of my life... That is now my calling. His wonderful-ness as a husband makes it a delight. The cost, on the other hand, is unexpectedly painful: death. Loss. Grief.

I used to have friends... Lots of them. Genuine friends. Now, they're miles away. Hardly any contact. Thoughts and feelings bottled up inside. I have only my husband to share my joys, tears, fears, disappointments, and victories... I feel like I'm depending on him too much for emotional support.. It's frustrating because I was very independent; I never felt like I needed anyone that much. Not anymore. At least for now.

I used to earn my own money, doing the job I enjoy. While I love being at home and obsessing on recipes and housekeeping and keeping myself pretty for my husband,I miss school. I miss being around kids. I miss talking to parents. I miss being a teacher... And being known to be excellent in such a field.

I used to go places whenever I want. On my own. Now, I can only go as far as my feet could take me. Got no driver's license yet. Public transport not an option. I'm limited to my husband's availability, which is whenever he has no work.

I feel like I lost myself. Many of the things I knew about myself seem to be gone. Try as I may to hold on to them, I could not. They're gone. Maybe they'll come back someday, but there's no point in waiting for something you're not sure will still return. The only thing I can do is to let go.

And embrace.

Embrace the new me. Whatever that would turn out to be.

Embrace my new life. I'm now the wife of the most wonderful, loving, patient man I know. I'm blessed to be called his girl.

Hurts for now. Dying dying. Dying to my old self. Like autumn leaves falling.

Spring will come. New beginnings. Soon.

After all that emo, I wonder... How many of you could relate to such?

This part hit my heart and shake my soul.

[Chocnut 5]

I oft wondered why my old flames never came back for me. I oft wonder what my man sees in me what no other has been able to.

"The All-American Girl, the Girl Next Door, the Homecoming Queen who sits home on Friday nights, Always a bridesmaid and never a bride." - fits me.

I, too, had titles, which, I couldn't seem to find at this moment... and like you, ever wonder if it will come back... or morph into something else. Maybe, something better.

It's a comfort to know that someone relates to how I feel. And no, your words weren't senseless at all.

[Chocnut 5]

ask him to drop you off at the biggest university in the city, on his daily drive INTO his work, picking you UP from there AFTER his work.

Whilst yer at the university, get into the HR department, and apply for a job.

Thank you for the practical reply. Appreciate the non-emoness, hehe:) Sincerely:)

[Chocnut 5]

Hmmm you speak to my heart there girl! I moved here and was so excited and happy to be with my husband, but now all the excitement as soon turn to loneliness as my husband is away on military orders an I dont want to be the 'nagging wife" so I tend to try and be positive but moments of missing my family and my friends plagued my mind.

I too was full of life and have an outgoing spirit but that has dwindle to sadness, I sometime feel so desolate that going home becomes apparent, then I remember how, kind, loving, patient and wonderful this man is and how he was so happy to have me here that I too become hopeful.

He will be in Afghan for 6 months,I have a lot of support from friends and family but its not the same with without him here,so I do know how you feel and do empathize with you, but keep strong God didnt you this far to leave you now, you will in fact find yourself again.

This is beautiful. I'd love to highlight everything you said, especially the Afghan part. Wow. If there's one thing I'm thankful for all these sorrow, that is the character being built when we stay positive and hopeful. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.

[Andrea&Henry 311]

It is imposible not feeling relate to you, i showed your post to my hubby and looked at me, like finally I understand you.

[Chocnut 5]

That could have been written by my wife. Although now she has a job, drivers license and a car. Still the feeling of lose comes out on a regular basis. At first she was happy just to be working and making money, now she's not so happy with the job because she's temp and its a low end job. Now she's on the search for a better job. Once she gets it, hopefully she will feel more fulfilled with work. I never understood how hard it was going to be for her to adjust to a new country, she didn't either. Leaving your family, country, and career behind isn't easy. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just send her home. But I know that might make her happy for a little while, us being apart would become the new pain again. But then again I watch her as each little piece of her new life fills a little bit of the big holes made when she came here. I know eventually those big holes will be just small ones. I do my best to try to make her smile again when the loss gets too feeling too big. I accept and wait out her moodiness that can pop up because of it to.

Just the other day I watched her trying to help a friend who may be loosing her husband. She gave such good advice to her fellow countrywomen. It was funny how some of her advice were things I had told my wife before when she has struggling here to, as well as many things that were her own wisdom. It made me very proud to hear some of the things my wife was saying. Gave me a lot of hope about how she feels about our live's together to. Later when we were alone I mentioned, in a joking way, about taking her own advice. Her reply is its easier to give advice than take you own often times. Gave us both a good laugh, because we both know how very true it is.

I can't say those feelings of loss will go away any time soon. If I had a magic solution, I'd have used it on my own wife already. But from an outsiders view of another's feelings, I do think the amount of pain these homesickness bouts is much less now. She used to just break down and cry horribly when they hit. Now she'll still have tears when it hits, but its usually not the full blown crying fit. BTW my wife has been in the USA about 13 months now. I think homesickness started coming up about 3 months into being here. When she started working, it went away for a couple months then started popping up again. But at least I see it doesn't last as long or as hard as it used to be. And each little piece she adds to her life here helps to make it better. You didn't build your life in your home country in a day. And just coming and getting married doesn't make a full life again when you come here. Only time and determination can build that back for you. Lean on your spouse when you need him to get through those times of homesickness. Sounds like he's truly there for you when you need him.

You are a treasure to your wife. And I could honestly say that when the time comes that you're seeing her soar and completely find her home here, you would know that your gentleness and patience were never in vain. I pray to GOD that all husbands would be as perceptive and loving as you are to your wife.

For some reason, I was comforted to know that your wife "used to break down and cry horribly." My husband and I had recently have a taste of that. Yet, one thing I find amazing is what his embrace can do during that time. It's magical. It seems to bring healing.

You are so right about the 3rd month... especially my spouse.

My favourite part is this, which has been playing in my head since I've read your post: You didn't build your life in your home country in a day. And just coming and getting married doesn't make a full life again when you come here. Only time and determination can build that back for you. Lean on your spouse when you need him to get through those times of homesickness. Sounds like he's truly there for you when you need him.

Time, determination, and spouse.

Thanks for the wisdom.

Edited October 23, 2012 by Chocnut

[Nikki + Tomislav 7]

I never expected to be in my situation...2 years ago we were waiting for our K1 visa and now we're married and I've moved my whole life from the States to Croatia. You said it perfectly. This is exactly how someone in our situation feels. It's hard because you want to adapt to your new life but it's so hard to give up on the old life. Luckily, there are more good days than bad days (for me now) and i've been here for a year and 4 months and it's honestly getting better and better. You will eventually make friends, get your license, and a job and as difficult as it is to follow this advice - truly try to enjoy this "free" time you have now. I know it feels depressing...I have been there! I even made a few friends that I thought would be great and things ended badly. But now I'm finally making friends that I can relate to! I have a new friend who is Canadian and married to a Croatian guy too and I'm so happy to know her. I love my husband so much, he's the best thing to ever happen to me and I'm a better person for it but it is not easy to move your whole life, feel so distant from your friends and family, like you'll never be close again. Most importantly, just know you're not alone and what you're feeling is completely normal and it will get better. Hang in there! Try to keep yourself as busy as possible, talk to your neighbors, even if they are super boring or strange, and turn to VJ if you need some more support! I'm really happy that I finally logged back on here and read your post. It's nice for me to know I'm not alone in my feelings!

[Chocnut 5]

First to Chocnut;

Your words deeply express so much more than your current difficult situation, they speak volumes about who you are as a person, the obvious true love you share in your marriage, and so much more. Without doubt, you have touched the hearts of many, including myself. I sincerely thank you for posting this here today, not only for your own needs, but also for the great benifit of all who read it. I am rarely moved to such intense emotion and deep introspection, you have innocently opened my eyes in a way that I dare say no-one else could have. I'm sure many others share my view. I sincerely thank you.

May you find comfort in the knowledge that you are really not alone, you are deeply loved and respected by all who know you, and your beautiful new life is just beginning. I have no doubt that you will soon have many close and dear friends in your new home, I'm confident those new bonds have already begun, your new friends and family are drawn to you simply because you are who you are. That is inevitable. And much like your dear friends and family back home, your new friends and family will be with you forever.

As painful as it may be right now, your future is very bright indeed, and a whole new, wonderful world is now at your feet. This is a Beginning, not an end.

It's Important To Remember Where You Come From.

It's Important To Know Where You Are Going.

And;

It's Important To Always Have Something To Look Forward To.

Much wisdom is expressed in this entire thread, I thank one and all for your contributions.

I for one, now have a much greater and more valuable understanding of the needs of my own fiancee'.

Thank you so much for this inspiring reply.

Indeed, It's Important To Always Have Something To Look Forward To. I look forward to finally finding myself here... But for now, all I can do is to create something to look forward to a day at a time. In my case, it's playing video games with my husband and baking.

[Chocnut 5]

Oh, damn. I miss my fiance's family, They were so nice and loving and friendly. I can't imagine how my fiance would miss them, and I didn't really realize how it might be for her to be away from her only family for the first time! I hope I can prepare her somehow by showing her this post. I'm crying now. I can't imagine how my asawa ko will feel away from home for the first time.

Awww The fact that you are thinking about this shows promise that when the time comes your future wife goes through this (if ever she does), you'd be an ace of a husband for her. She will make it. And the best part is, as you go through this together, you'll be an integral part of her new self.

I know... because I feel that when I'm through with this, I can never separate the new me without thinking about how I came to be. And it was GOD and hubby all along.

GOD bless you on your journey

[Chocnut 5]

That's usually the case when you moved and decided to give up the life you have before you moved.

Just enjoy being not so busy, once your life started to get busy, you'll miss it. I never get homesick since I make myself busy on rebuilding my life with my husband and possible new career. I spent my time studying life here in US until I get busy being a wife, career woman and soon to be mom.

Haha!!! That's sooo true! Enjoy being not so busy! This morning, I was thinking that I can now try all the recipes I've bookmarked back when I was single that I never had the time to try. Also, dieting is convenient:)

Yeah, it's good to study too. That's what my mom was telling me. I just don't feel like dealing with schoolwork, but maybe hobby classes would be a good idea. If only I could drive...

What if spring never comes?

Then it wouldn't matter anymore... Spring will stop coming when the world ends. But for as long as the world exists, seasons will come and go. That's nature. I think.

[Chocnut 5]

I know how you feel,

for me it was moving to the PH and missing the US...

and all I can say, what got me through, was opening my eyes to another world.

We are lucky. You know why? We get to see beyond the four walls of what God initially given us. And we are lucky enough to experience it.

What I learned from living in the PH for about 5 years is this:

1. The culture I grew in (in my case the city of NEW YORK) isn't the only culture that exist to man. There are beauties and wonders of the Philippine culture that i came to love. and there are aspects of it that i came to be annoyed with. I was able to understand, God gave me a chance to understand, that even if there are differences that we may never accept, there are moments when you feel alive with the enviornment around you, simply because you allowed yourself feel it.

2. I can adapt. I know that I'm stronger, stronger than most people. why? because I was able to adapt and live with a whole different culture. I was able to speak tagalog, eat from banana leaves, and prepared a bbq by sticking the fire to the uling.... hehe... But nonetheless, I become a stronger woman. If you felt like you can't control anything, know that you can control that. The strength that God gave you. Because each and everyday you have to build an once of that strength in order to be more than what you thought you could be.

3. I am more than what I appear to be. There were many aspects of myself that I lost when I moved to the PH. And i felt lost, insecure, unsure, weak, and vulnerable. And I was NEVER that person back in New York. I know how it feels to lose a part of yourself, and it scares up until now. But you know what? I learned so much about who I am. I fought that feeling to being scared. I stopped giving other people and fear the permission to make me feel inferior. I learned that I'm more that what NY has brought me up to be. And I'm sure where ever you are, it'll show you you're more than just the person reading this on VJ. You have the opportunity to redefine yourself. Make the wrong choices, right. Not that many people get that chance.

4. I learned how to breathe! Finally! I learned that no matter how bad or worse or sucky or shitty I'm feeling.... I learned how to STOP! and smell the roses. I learned how to look outside the box, have the most open mind, and accept the moments as they come. I learned that I can't control everything, and that it is always in God's hands.

5. Lastly, I learned that I GET TO CHOOSE HOW I FEEL. If I wanna be happy, okay. If I wanna be pissed off, okay. But I GET TO CHOOSE. and with that I saw that every moment that I pass by by being pissed and mad at the world, I lose another moment that can I can be happy. And I CHOOSE to make more memories of happiness than those of being pissed off...

So there you have it. I hope this helped you. I feel for you. And I'm sorry you have to feel that way. As for friends, what I learned is that the most genuine are the ones who are always there when you come back. You may not talk everyday, or hang out like you used to, but they are there. Same with family...

"Always together, and never apart. Maybe in distance but never in heart."

Goodluck.

Now this brought me tears. I'm speechless. Thank you for sharing the lessons you learned. I find it to be very valuable... And I think I'll be coming back to this post quite often.

very poetic you should look into writing a book. go to your library and start there.

Thanks for that esteem boosting reply. I still have to work on my grammar and vocab, though. Cheers!

It is imposible not feeling relate to you, i showed your post to my hubby and looked at me, like finally I understand you.

Awww:) Thank you for the response. That was so kind.

Hehe, I must say, you are such a beautiful couple:)

The best post I read so far girl. You made my day. I think you speak for all of us...for all the beneficiaries who left everything we knew and know for love. I just printed to remain myself Im not alone and Im not the only one...is just a transition and there will always be a new spring

And this made me smile:) Thank you

[Chocnut 5]

i TOTALLY feel youp sister!!!! I cried while I was reading your post. You are the only who expressed the way I feel right now WOW. Is like been in a nice and beautiful prison. I love my husband with all my soul, since I got here 6 month ago he turned my life in a living paradise. But sometimes I can hlp feeling like a tourist in my home. I have everything I can wish for, a beautiful married life with the most amazing husband, a beautiful home, a career, health, youth, my husband just gave me the car of my dreams as gift for my upcoming bday, but most impotant: I have love, and everything that comes with it, respect, support, joy etc etc. but it seems that is not enough for me. My husband gets very frustated cause he feels he give everything i need and wish fir, in terms of material and sentimental stuff but he cant help me when I get depress. I feel guilty for that, I shouldnt be sad, but I cant help it sometimes. I miss my freedom, miss my friends and family, miss my independance, i miss the feeling of being helpful and productive. I feel like everythingI accomplished in life is gone, cause now that I live in a new country i need to start from zero. Thanked God for my husband, he is being my rock but i dont want to feel either, that Im totally dependant on him. Im not like that. I guess everything will be fine once I get all my paperwork done and find a job, and finally started my own life. It is hard watching the days goes by and its always the same, is like you are watching your own life crossing in front of you, without you in it. God bless sweety. I know we are gonna be ok

"Beautiful prison". Very well-described.

And someday, this beautiful prison will turn into our garden... when our hearts already sees beyond the hurts.... when the heart finally understands what the head has been saying.

[Chocnut 5]

I never expected to be in my situation...2 years ago we were waiting for our K1 visa and now we're married and I've moved my whole life from the States to Croatia. You said it perfectly. This is exactly how someone in our situation feels. It's hard because you want to adapt to your new life but it's so hard to give up on the old life. Luckily, there are more good days than bad days (for me now) and i've been here for a year and 4 months and it's honestly getting better and better. You will eventually make friends, get your license, and a job and as difficult as it is to follow this advice - truly try to enjoy this "free" time you have now. I know it feels depressing...I have been there! I even made a few friends that I thought would be great and things ended badly. But now I'm finally making friends that I can relate to! I have a new friend who is Canadian and married to a Croatian guy too and I'm so happy to know her. I love my husband so much, he's the best thing to ever happen to me and I'm a better person for it but it is not easy to move your whole life, feel so distant from your friends and family, like you'll never be close again. Most importantly, just know you're not alone and what you're feeling is completely normal and it will get better. Hang in there! Try to keep yourself as busy as possible, talk to your neighbors, even if they are super boring or strange, and turn to VJ if you need some more support! I'm really happy that I finally logged back on here and read your post. It's nice for me to know I'm not alone in my feelings!

You're a proof that things get better in time. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This would help keep me going... and at least enjoy the journey somehow...

talk to your neighbors, even if they are super boring or strange, This is funny:)) I was thinking that I might be the one super boring or strange to them

[oceanbreeze 0]

Chocnut,

It is something to read someone else writing your own story..

I hope it is not gone, that who i was is somewhere..just sleeping.

As u mentioned the leaves of the fall..yes, but after, spring comes, and it s back to shiny.

Hope it gets better soon, and meanwhile, try to enjoy life:)