Can absence make the heart wander?

[MrMrsKnight 1]

Being apart IS difficult and there's nothing we can say that is going to make it any easier for you. But most of people in this forum are so into this immigration mess, that we have little time to think about anyone else but our SOs.

We're in this forum all the time and every second of it we're reminded that we're here because there's a very special person waiting for us on the other side of the world. There's no space left in our lives. It's kinda sick, but it keeps unfaithful acts away, most of the time.

I do miss the touch of my fiance. I miss having him here so I can hold him and fall asleep knowing he's right next to me. But while we can't do that, we manage to have a very healthy emotional relationship... and that helps us on every stage of physical absense.

You said you love her, so anything you do with someone else will feel empty.... it won't be worth it.

The internet is here to help you.... webcams/phones are your friend

[Bunnyqr 0]

Being in this process is very difficult. Almost all of my friends and co-workers can't believe we are going through this long distance relationship. They all make a point to say "I can never do what you are doing". But that is the answer, they are not me, they are not my fiance. He is everything I prayed for for years. On so many levels. The phone is what kept us connected after we met on my vacation. The phone calls brought us closer together, gave us the time to know one another. We were blessed to have an opportunity for me to live with him for a month in January and blessed some more to have two more visits after January.

I can honestly say that I have not at all thought I needed comfort from someone else. All I want is him, his arms, his eyes looking at me, his voice whispering in my ear, his legs wrapped around me while we sleep, his laughter and his love.

I can't imagine needing anyone else, even for a little while to fill the time void.

However I do get crazy thoughts some times that he isn't as strong as me. That he will need someone's touch, or company, or a one night stand. But I know in my heart he is true. It's just my ugly demons that I have to deal with in my mind.

We both can't wait till we are married and share our special day. We both keep each other focused on looking at the big picture, the light at the end of this tunnel. Our love for each other is what keeps us going. When I get tired and weak, he lifts me up. When he gets frustrated and anxious I am able to calm him.

I guess The Beatles had it right "All you need is love".

[one...two...tree 2,762]

When psychologists talk about intimacy, they're generally referring to two components. The first is the ability to verbalize fairly deep vulnerabilities -- for instance, to say "Do you love me?" and "I miss you." The trickier, almost subconscious part is maintaining the feeling of being intermingled in your partner's life, a state the experts often refer to as "interrelatedness." Couples that are geographically close establish this by discussing the mundane details of daily life, whether it's the fact that you had to take a different route to work because of road construction, or that you have a 2 p.m. meeting with a new client, or that you had a turkey sandwich for lunch.

The fact that you had a turkey sandwich for lunch is so trivial that its shelf life is even shorter than that of the sandwich itself -- if you don't talk to your partner on the day you ate it, you're probably not going to mention it. "The problem is when you get a couple that is very good at sharing the deep emotional things but doesn't know anything about each other's lives," says Guldner. "You ask them, ‘What's going on with your partner today?' and they have no idea. This happens fairly frequently in long-distance relationships, especially in military ones, and it erodes a fundamental part of intimacy -- people stop feeling like they're connected. You have to do things to try to create that interrelatedness."

But intimacy has its costs. The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to miss them. "Missing" involves several different feelings and thoughts, says Ben Le, an assistant professor of psychology at Haverford College in Pennsylvania who studies romantic relationships. These include sexual desire and longing, thoughts about the future and what the partner is doing, and behavioral tendencies such as looking at pictures of your partner or talking to friends about him or her.

http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static/relat...-distance-tango

[rebeccajo 14]

Turkey sandwich. LOL

This sooooo reminds me of when Wes and I were on different continents. His brother used to say....'what DO you two talk about on the phone all the time!"

Everything. Turkey sandwiches.

He would tell me if he had to take a different way to work. What the weather was like. What he had for lunch. Who was cranky at work.

And likewise so would I.

It was the little details that helped us stay in touch with each others daily life. I liked things that way and I guess so did he, as he was the one who usually started things off that way.

Well, that's not entirely true. Our first communication of each day was by IM - and when I would come online he would type....*kisses*.

Then he told me about the sandwich.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Turkey sandwich. LOL

This sooooo reminds me of when Wes and I were on different continents. His brother used to say....'what DO you two talk about on the phone all the time!"

Everything. Turkey sandwiches.

He would tell me if he had to take a different way to work. What the weather was like. What he had for lunch. Who was cranky at work.

And likewise so would I.

It was the little details that helped us stay in touch with each others daily life. I liked things that way and I guess so did he, as he was the one who usually started things off that way.

Well, that's not entirely true. Our first communication of each day was by IM - and when I would come online he would type....*kisses*.

Then he told me about the sandwich.

Sometimes it's the smallest things that we talk about that I'm later thinking back on and smiling about while driving or when I'm at work.

[MrMrsKnight 1]

It was the little details that helped us stay in touch with each others daily life.

Exactly! To me, that's the key.

[garya505 2]

I can honestly say that I don't have any interest in a woman other than my fiance. I made a commitment and I have never even considered being unfaithful.

[Mags 112]

Yup, it's the little things that keep you involved with each others' lives, despite the distance. The only physical thing that I crave on a daily basis is a cuddle from Larry. It doesn't upset me as much as it could because I know that there are tonnes of them waiting for me when I get to the States.

I also have a son who loves a cuddle as much as me....and some cats that generally don't seem so pleased about it.

[CarolineM 0]

I spent almost five years missing him and wishing he was with me - so once it happened - I never wanted any man but him...

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

I don't mean to get too graphic or personal but... can you not have physical intimacy with her via the phone?

That's exactly what I was thinking.....

It ain't perfect but there's less guilt involved than what you'll have with an affair.

Oh....it doesn't make you go blind. Really....

Speak for yourself my eyesight aint what it used to be!

[Mags 112]

I don't mean to get too graphic or personal but... can you not have physical intimacy with her via the phone?

That's exactly what I was thinking.....

It ain't perfect but there's less guilt involved than what you'll have with an affair.

Oh....it doesn't make you go blind. Really....

Speak for yourself my eyesight aint what it used to be!

You are a naughty gal.....

[r2d2 0]

Thanks for all the supportive comments and information (book, article), etc. I really appreciate it.

Since some of you have commented and asked about certain things, yes, we do all of the things mentioned: emails, phone calls, video chats, phone sex, and visits when financially possible. That's all well and good for a certain length of time, but as the old song says "Ain't nothin' like the real thing, Baby".

I made a real commitment, not a "virtual commitment". But, unfortunately, now I have a "virtual relationship". This is due to no fault of mine or hers.

Many of you have said, "can't imagine being with anyone else". Nor could I at first. Nor could I for many, many months. Realistically, given enough time of physical separation, most relationships will undergo enough strain for people to consider other options. We are all individuals, so each of us has our own "breaking points".

So the question I would like to propose to the group, possibly rhetorical, is: Realistically, how long of a physical separation from your mate would you have to endure before you would consider other options? 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, or would you happily live and die alone living separately from your mate without considering other options?

I know most people don't like to think about these things, and nor do I, but unfortunately my present reality isn't matching my fairytale ideals. At least if I was married/engaged to an inmate in prison, we would be allowed frequent conjugal visits. Not so with USCIS (barring unlimited wealth). And, no, no, no, its not just about sex. However, it is about being "tangibly, and physically", with the person whom we have pledged to be with "tangibly and physically" (as well as emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc.). Honeslty, sometimes I just want a cuddle buddy in the meantime.

[Mags 112]

I don't mean to seem rude...but alot of your replies seem to be very "me me me" orientated. There is another person in your relationship and I was wondering if you have spoken to her about it. Have you discussed that you feel this way? You might be surprised...

In response to your last question about how long I would realistically put up with no physical relationship, well, for as long as it took. If the process was going to take 5 years then we would arrange to fly back and forth and see each other. It isn't ideal...but it is all about compromise.

There is no way I would give up a fantastic relationship just cos I ain't getting any nookie.

[TracyLuis 0]

I made a real commitment, not a "virtual commitment". But, unfortunately, now I have a "virtual relationship". This is due to no fault of mine or hers.

Wrong. If you're having a "virtual relationship" with someone other than the person you made a "real commitment" to, then it is unequivocally a choice, therefore, a fault.

I couldn't disagree more.

[no name 1]

I don't mean to get too graphic or personal but... can you not have physical intimacy with her via the phone?

Sorry but no way. You equate spanking it with physical intimacy? No way. Spanking it over the phone is simply a release, not intimcay at all.

Tolerance levels vary for everyone. Some factors include age, life experiences, culture, and upbringing. If you are serious in the statement that she is the love of your life, you will not introduce another female into the equation. The repercussions of that would be devastating to not only you and your fiancée, but also to the third party female... as well as every other party connected to each player ... in ways that you could never predict.

Questioning oneself and being aware of temptation is human and normal. It is very natural to crave love and companionship and human touch. The ability to resist that temptation is one of the tacit agreements in an orthodox marriage... whether your life partner is within your physical presence or not.

Yes, the visa process is lengthy. No, I do not judge you or anyone else... I am not in your/their shoes. We each choose our own path. I wish you the best.

very well said.

To the OP, I wihs you luck.

Edited October 23, 2006 by devilette