Feeling Guilty....???

[SaharaSunset 165]

So as I've been browsing on here a bit lately and there seems to be a running theme of most immigrants being VERY anxious to either get to, or stay in the U.S. regardless of who they hurt along the way(the "marriage fraud"-ers) or what happens to their marriage(the "how can I stay here even though our marriage is over"-ers). And I get it, I love America - its a wonderful place to be. But my husband was kind of the opposite. Not a hater of America, but honestly I don't think he ever considered living here, until I basically insisted we live here in the US. We met while I was traveling in Morocco, and in the early stages of our relationship, as we stayed in contact and visited, I think my (now)husband always assumed we'd live in Morocco. But when it got "marriage talk" serious, I insisted on the US. And my sweet easy going husband, of course agreed. But I know that was not his first choice and that he was making a huge consession for me. He didn't tell me that, and he never would because he is the most considerate and kind man in the world....it really was a huge consession for him because he loves his family, loved his job and LOVES his country I assured him with his skills and talents he'd find good work here and we'd have a good life. I still believe this of course, but I worry about his happiness ALL the time.

I wanted to live here for an array of reasons; partly because I wasn't sure if our marriage could handle the strain of me far from my family and being homesick, (I'm not so easygoing as he is ), and partly because I am used to the comforts of my life here, and partly for religious reasons, and partly because my husband had his own business in Morocco that was very successful, but required him to be on the road about 85% of the time - which would have left me alone a lot. All these things are simply my justifications for wanting to stay here, where I speak the language, and am comfortable.

So now to the feeling guilty...mostly I feel it because although I do feel that my husband is happy in general, I also sense that he would be equally happy(if not happier) to go back and live in Morocco. Every time the subject comes up, he has a twinkle in his eye and always says "if you want to live there, then we go live there." And he says it in a smiling, mischievious, "testing the waters" kind of way, but secretly hoping I'll suddenly say, ok. I know he is a little homesick. When I ask him if he's happy he always says "yes, very happy" - but I know he mostly means happy to be with me.

Now again, I'm not posting because of any red flags from him, or any fights or really anything more than the nagging guilt that plagues me internally on this subject. I'm not sure if its normal, but I really am struggling with some MAJOR guilt about asking him to give up everything to come here and be with me. I also feel a huge amount of self-pressure to make everything, including myself, perfect for him so he'll be happy. For example, I want him to love where we live, an to find a job he loves, and to love all American food, and to love my cooking, and pretty much just to love everything - which of course I know is totally unrealistic. Maybe its just the typical "inherent" female pressure inside our own heads?... Ahhhh!

I feel like I got the much better end of the bargain - I got to keep my life and my job, and my family close, AND I get to be with the most incredible man in the world....and he just got me.

Anyway, Sorry, but I just need to vent some of this internal guilt, and I'm curious if anyone else out there has felt this kind of guilt for bringing there loved one here? And does anyone have any ideas how to get over it..or may reassurance that its a normal phase that will pass???

[msheesha 548]

I have fleeting pangs of guilt every once in a while because I know my husband misses his family, and his life in Morocco. But, ultimately it was his choice to agree to live here rather than there. If living here is not working out for him, it's his responsibility to talk to me about it and we would work towards some solution. Every marriage is a series of compromises and give and take. Maybe at some point down the road, Morocco will be the right place for us, and I'll agree to living there, but for now it's not, and he's agreed to it. Try not to beat yourself up about it, or sell yourself short (ie - your comment - all he got was you).

I think people have described very long adjustment periods, so bumpy adjustment has definitely been experienced. Be patient with yourself and him during the adjustment. I had grand ideas about all the things my husband could do to be happy here and make the adjustment easier(join a soccer league, volunteer, taking English classes, etc, etc, etc). He wasn't interested in playing soccer but it was really important for him to access Moroccan soccer on the internet or tv; he got a job quickly and never volunteered; and his job interferred with the English class schedules). My point is - you can try to help him adjust & some of those things will work out and some of them won't. Life won't be perfect here or there. Be patient with yourself and with him, is my best advice.

Edited March 21, 2012 by msheesha

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Anyway, Sorry, but I just need to vent some of this internal guilt, and I'm curious if anyone else out there has felt this kind of guilt for bringing there loved one here? And does anyone have any ideas how to get over it..or may reassurance that its a normal phase that will pass???

I hope you don't mind me commenting in this forum. I am the immigrant and I've been here since Sept 2009.

My husband STILL feels guilty about taking me away from my family. He feels guilty that I'm not working or if I am working that i'm not earning as much as I would at home. Guilty if I get sick (I had a dental emergency and he felt bad about not having great coverage for at least a week while I was healing). Guilty that we can't afford to go home all the time. Guilty that I hate a lot of the food here. Basically guilty a LOT.

That leads to me. I feel guilty that HE feels guilty It's a vicious cycle! I feel like I can't tell him when I'm having a bad "missing home" day because it would compound his guilt. I feel like I have to remind him if I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be but that would just lead him to thinking one day I'll just get sick of it and leave.

SO my advice from the immigrant perspective is: If he didn't want to be with you and live here he wouldn't have come. He is trying to make the best of the situation and it DOES get better. You constantly worrying about his happiness is good, but just draws attention to it and puts pressure on him to LOOK and ACT happy. You simply need to hope that if it WAS bad enough that he wanted to go home that he would tell you. You need to tell him you're open to the idea of moving back there if it gets so bad he can't stand it here BUT you also need to make sure he gives it a good go here first.

The first year was hard homesickness wise (relationship wise no problems) I would have loved to return home and would have jumped at the chance BUT I set myself the aim of getting USC so we could move back to Aus if that was our choice and all this wouldn't have been a waste of time and money (I feel a lot of guilt about the amount of money my husband spent on the process and how much he spends supporting us). I can file for ROC in 3 weeks. That means USC is a year away. I am less inclined to return back to Australia now, at least for a while. Like I said, it just takes time (oh and you said he was earning his own money and had a business.. that was a HUGE adjustment for me - going from earning really well to earning diddly squat here).

Hope that helps

[SaharaSunset 165]

I have fleeting pangs of guilt every once in a while because I know my husband misses his family, and his life in Morocco. But, ultimately it was his choice to agree to live here rather than there. If living here is not working out for him, it's his responsibility to talk to me about it and we would work towards some solution. Every marriage is a series of compromises and give and take. Maybe at some point down the road, Morocco will be the right place for us, and I'll agree to living there, but for now it's not, and he's agreed to it. Try not to beat yourself up about it, or sell yourself short (ie - your comment - all he got was you).

I think people have described very long adjustment periods, so bumpy adjustment has definitely been experienced. Be patient with yourself and him during the adjustment. I had grand ideas about all the things my husband could do to be happy here and make the adjustment easier(join a soccer league, volunteer, taking English classes, etc, etc, etc). He wasn't interested in playing soccer but it was really important for him to access Moroccan soccer on the internet or tv; he got a job quickly and never volunteered; and his job interferred with the English class schedules). My point is - you can try to help him adjust & some of those things will work out and some of them won't. Life won't be perfect here or there. Be patient with yourself and with him, is my best advice.

Thanks for your advice! What you said is very true! And funny too. I had the same grand plans about soccer and English classes etc... ...none of which have happened But we did find a place that sell his beloved loose leaf (flowers) green tea, and he's made it multiple time a day since we bought it, and every time says "really, this is real Moroccan tea!"

[Peace.... 281]

So as I've been browsing on here a bit lately and there seems to be a running theme of most immigrants being VERY anxious to either get to, or stay in the U.S. regardless of who they hurt along the way(the "marriage fraud"-ers) or what happens to their marriage(the "how can I stay here even though our marriage is over"-ers). And I get it, I love America - its a wonderful place to be. But my husband was kind of the opposite. Not a hater of America, but honestly I don't think he ever considered living here, until I basically insisted we live here in the US. We met while I was traveling in Morocco, and in the early stages of our relationship, as we stayed in contact and visited, I think my (now)husband always assumed we'd live in Morocco. But when it got "marriage talk" serious, I insisted on the US. And my sweet easy going husband, of course agreed. But I know that was not his first choice and that he was making a huge consession for me. He didn't tell me that, and he never would because he is the most considerate and kind man in the world....it really was a huge consession for him because he loves his family, loved his job and LOVES his country I assured him with his skills and talents he'd find good work here and we'd have a good life. I still believe this of course, but I worry about his happiness ALL the time.

I wanted to live here for an array of reasons; partly because I wasn't sure if our marriage could handle the strain of me far from my family and being homesick, (I'm not so easygoing as he is ), and partly because I am used to the comforts of my life here, and partly for religious reasons, and partly because my husband had his own business in Morocco that was very successful, but required him to be on the road about 85% of the time - which would have left me alone a lot. All these things are simply my justifications for wanting to stay here, where I speak the language, and am comfortable.

So now to the feeling guilty...mostly I feel it because although I do feel that my husband is happy in general, I also sense that he would be equally happy(if not happier) to go back and live in Morocco. Every time the subject comes up, he has a twinkle in his eye and always says "if you want to live there, then we go live there." And he says it in a smiling, mischievious, "testing the waters" kind of way, but secretly hoping I'll suddenly say, ok. I know he is a little homesick. When I ask him if he's happy he always says "yes, very happy" - but I know he mostly means happy to be with me.

Now again, I'm not posting because of any red flags from him, or any fights or really anything more than the nagging guilt that plagues me internally on this subject. I'm not sure if its normal, but I really am struggling with some MAJOR guilt about asking him to give up everything to come here and be with me. I also feel a huge amount of self-pressure to make everything, including myself, perfect for him so he'll be happy. For example, I want him to love where we live, an to find a job he loves, and to love all American food, and to love my cooking, and pretty much just to love everything - which of course I know is totally unrealistic. Maybe its just the typical "inherent" female pressure inside our own heads?... Ahhhh!

I feel like I got the much better end of the bargain - I got to keep my life and my job, and my family close, AND I get to be with the most incredible man in the world....and he just got me.

Anyway, Sorry, but I just need to vent some of this internal guilt, and I'm curious if anyone else out there has felt this kind of guilt for bringing there loved one here? And does anyone have any ideas how to get over it..or may reassurance that its a normal phase that will pass???

Hello, my story sounds something like yours. I also felt some guilt about him leaving his country and family as he just adored his life there. I honestly would have given up everything here to move there as I felt just as much home in Morocco as I do here in the USA. The people there treated me with the deepest respect and every where we went, strangers offered us to come to their home for tea and dinner. Actually, one day we were shopping near the "forest" a place in Casablanca where families go and picnic and I wanted to try some olives and we stopped at the only little stand where olives and a variety of fruits were sold. Somehow, we started talking about cow milk LOL straight from the cow and I said hmmm never tried it. The young man said please let me take you both to my home and have her try some. I said sure why not.... His home was so beautiful and his mother and father treated me as if I was apart of their family. We stayed for dinner and chatted for hours. I have always loved being in Morocco and some day plan to buy a home there and live during the summer months when my daughter is out of school.

My husband is very compassionate, honest, loving and will absolutely do anything for me. He is the most generous person I have ever met. He is such a wonderful step father and has never said to me "give me a child" or else. He loves our daughter and understands that I cannot have any more children at this point. I feel mostly guilty about not giving him a child, but he reassures me that having children does not make a marriage happy but the love we share will last us for a life time. My husband is definitely a family type man, he just enjoys being home with me and loving what we share. We have been married now just over a year and honestly, I would do this all over again, if I knew the outcome would be so wonderful.

Glad to hear your story, as it makes us all look back and realize just how lucky we are to be with the one we love and waited so long for.

[SaharaSunset 165]

That leads to me. I feel guilty that HE feels guilty It's a vicious cycle! I feel like I can't tell him when I'm having a bad "missing home" day because it would compound his guilt. I feel like I have to remind him if I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be but that would just lead him to thinking one day I'll just get sick of it and leave.

SO my advice from the immigrant perspective is: If he didn't want to be with you and live here he wouldn't have come. He is trying to make the best of the situation and it DOES get better. You constantly worrying about his happiness is good, but just draws attention to it and puts pressure on him to LOOK and ACT happy. You simply need to hope that if it WAS bad enough that he wanted to go home that he would tell you. You need to tell him you're open to the idea of moving back there if it gets so bad he can't stand it here BUT you also need to make sure he gives it a good go here first.

Hope that helps

Thanks for your reply! "The vicious cycle of guilt" is exactly what happens with us and reading that made me laugh! Anytime I ask him if he's okay and happy, he gets worried if I'm okay and happy, and the cycle goes on and on

Seriously, funny, true and comforting to know it gets better. Its sounds like you've given it a real chance, and I really am hopeful that my husband will with time, be truly happy here. Sometimes I do think he would tell me if he wasn't happy...but then I worry about that "cycle" and I worry that he won't want me to be unhappy, by telling me he's unhappy That's why I over-analyze his every move and comment, despite the fact that everything suggests he is happy and doing very well. Luckily, like you, our relationship is good and we talk about "feelings" a lot, which is helpful and keeps that open channel. We do also talk about someday - in the "post-children future" moving back to Morocco, and we're planning to visit often, next summer if we can etc.

And you're SO RIGHT about drawing attention to possible unhappiness. I do need to just relax and trust in what he says - that he IS happy. Thanks again for that reminder And hope things continue to go well for you! Cheers!

[MIBEN 83]

It is a bit funny and comforting to read this post. I tried to prepare my husband for the separation woes he would experience but I don't think he quite got it until he got here. He found himself missing his family dearly, for me I kept him busy but wow was it a learning curve. He learned to cut grass, wash cars, use a washer and dryer, studying for and taking an exam to obtain his driver's license, taking English classes, starting to study for his degree, finding employment relying only on his English skills. It has been so much so quick but he just tells me "I miss my family," I notice it more when he gets news from Morocco on facebook. He would always tell me "I do not like Moroccan food," so when I was there I found a way to cook extensively with the limited supplies to cook American meals (meat loaf, enchiladas, chicken with rice, twice baked chicken, spagetti, lasagna, chocolate chip cookies). All my cooking made his family feel very comfortable with the fact that he will be well taken care of while here. Now that he is here I finally found some Moroccan spices and I made a fish tagine lol he went crazy. I could see it in his face, he enjoyed it so much. I was glad he enjoyed but I felt guilty because I know exactly how he feels. I did however, encourage him to volunteer in the Parks and Recreation Department in our town as I work for the city. He loved it and made new friends, we found a new church and now he feels so much better. He still misses home and he is so sweet he just askes me to show him more affection when he is missing them, I have no complaints.

His latest goal is to earn enough money to pay for his round-trip ticket to Morocco this summer. My hubby is truly a wonderful man and whenever I can, I make his transition as easy as possible.

[together4evr 360]

I am enjoying this thread. I wish more people would post. My husband just got on a flight to come to USA. he will be here in 20 hours! OMG I am so excited. But I find myself with tears in my eyes thinking about everything he left behind. His family is more amazing then my family could ever be. His family is incredible and warm and personably. I always felt like I belonged there. And now I am dragging him away from everything he has ever know for over 30 years. His job, friends, family, hobbies.... He has to start all over here. His degree will not transfer. He will have just me. But I will have him, my job, our home, my teenagers (twins-boy/girl). I do not know how to cook his food but I will try very hard to learn for him. I want him to know how much I appreciate what he has sacrificed to be with me in the USA. Someday I would love to live in Egypt but now is not the time. I have sick family members, kids that need to finish their education here, a terrific job, ENGLISH!!!

I do not know how I will comfort him everyday and take away his loneliness and homesickness but I will give it everything I have.

I thank God for giving him to me and allowing him to come here so we can live together and have a normal marriage.

Please keep giving me ideas on how to make his transition to the USA easier. He will be in culture shock I am positive. His life in Egypt is nothing like my life 2 hours South of Chicago. There are no people in the street here. People wake up at 530am to get ready for their day. Stores close at 5pm on Sundays and by 9pm all families are getting ready for sleep. I have spoken to him many times about what to expect but actually living in it will be a shock.

Thank you all

[SaharaSunset 165]

Hello, my story sounds something like yours. I also felt some guilt about him leaving his country and family as he just adored his life there. I honestly would have given up everything here to move there as I felt just as much home in Morocco as I do here in the USA. The people there treated me with the deepest respect and every where we went, strangers offered us to come to their home for tea and dinner. Actually, one day we were shopping near the "forest" a place in Casablanca where families go and picnic and I wanted to try some olives and we stopped at the only little stand where olives and a variety of fruits were sold. Somehow, we started talking about cow milk LOL straight from the cow and I said hmmm never tried it. The young man said please let me take you both to my home and have her try some. I said sure why not.... His home was so beautiful and his mother and father treated me as if I was apart of their family. We stayed for dinner and chatted for hours. I have always loved being in Morocco and some day plan to buy a home there and live during the summer months when my daughter is out of school.

My husband is very compassionate, honest, loving and will absolutely do anything for me. He is the most generous person I have ever met. He is such a wonderful step father and has never said to me "give me a child" or else. He loves our daughter and understands that I cannot have any more children at this point. I feel mostly guilty about not giving him a child, but he reassures me that having children does not make a marriage happy but the love we share will last us for a life time. My husband is definitely a family type man, he just enjoys being home with me and loving what we share. We have been married now just over a year and honestly, I would do this all over again, if I knew the outcome would be so wonderful.

Glad to hear your story, as it makes us all look back and realize just how lucky we are to be with the one we love and waited so long for.

yes we are very very very lucky!

[SaharaSunset 165]

Now that he is here I finally found some Moroccan spices and I made a fish tagine lol he went crazy. I could see it in his face, he enjoyed it so much. I was glad he enjoyed but I felt guilty because I know exactly how he feels.

He still misses home and he is so sweet he just askes me to show him more affection when he is missing them, I have no complaints.

His latest goal is to earn enough money to pay for his round-trip ticket to Morocco this summer. My hubby is truly a wonderful man and whenever I can, I make his transition as easy as possible.

Your relationship sounds very cute! And so funny about the tagine. My hubby made the tagine himself (he's a brilliant cook)and as he devoured (with a full loaf of french bread) he kept saying "This is REALLY REALLY Moroccan Tagine!" It was very cute

[SaharaSunset 165]

I am enjoying this thread. I wish more people would post. My husband just got on a flight to come to USA. he will be here in 20 hours! OMG I am so excited. But I find myself with tears in my eyes thinking about everything he left behind. His family is more amazing then my family could ever be. His family is incredible and warm and personably. I always felt like I belonged there. And now I am dragging him away from everything he has ever know for over 30 years. His job, friends, family, hobbies.... He has to start all over here. His degree will not transfer. He will have just me. But I will have him, my job, our home, my teenagers (twins-boy/girl). I do not know how to cook his food but I will try very hard to learn for him. I want him to know how much I appreciate what he has sacrificed to be with me in the USA. Someday I would love to live in Egypt but now is not the time. I have sick family members, kids that need to finish their education here, a terrific job, ENGLISH!!!

I do not know how I will comfort him everyday and take away his loneliness and homesickness but I will give it everything I have.

I thank God for giving him to me and allowing him to come here so we can live together and have a normal marriage.

Please keep giving me ideas on how to make his transition to the USA easier. He will be in culture shock I am positive. His life in Egypt is nothing like my life 2 hours South of Chicago. There are no people in the street here. People wake up at 530am to get ready for their day. Stores close at 5pm on Sundays and by 9pm all families are getting ready for sleep. I have spoken to him many times about what to expect but actually living in it will be a shock.

Thank you all

Your post brought tears to my eyes too it really is a true act of great love to give up all you know to be with someone you love. I feel that fact sometimes gets overlooked when we hear all the horror stories of visa-fraud. But your post is another example of the many wonderful men (and women) who really are taking a huge leap of faith and having to completely start over here in the US...and that is SO not easy. I guess appreciating what they give up is a good thing...as long as it doesn't overwhelm you with guilt...like it has been for me. But reading all these posts is definitely making me feel better knowing that many of us are in the same boat.

[sandinista! 1,816]

It's really hard! Not only does my husband miss his parents, and siblings, but it's so hard on him to not be able to share his family here with his family in Morocco. It's the kind of thing that there's no quick fix or easy solution to, I guess you just learn to make the most of it in whatever ways work best for your family and relationship. It takes a really solid marriage in my opinion to be able to withstand it. Do the best that you can with the things that can be helped to keep each other happy, because there's nothing anyone can do to make Morocco, or Egypt, or Jordan, etc any closer to the US.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

I am enjoying this thread. I wish more people would post. My husband just got on a flight to come to USA. he will be here in 20 hours! OMG I am so excited. But I find myself with tears in my eyes thinking about everything he left behind. His family is more amazing then my family could ever be. His family is incredible and warm and personably. I always felt like I belonged there. And now I am dragging him away from everything he has ever know for over 30 years. His job, friends, family, hobbies.... He has to start all over here. His degree will not transfer. He will have just me. But I will have him, my job, our home, my teenagers (twins-boy/girl). I do not know how to cook his food but I will try very hard to learn for him. I want him to know how much I appreciate what he has sacrificed to be with me in the USA. Someday I would love to live in Egypt but now is not the time. I have sick family members, kids that need to finish their education here, a terrific job, ENGLISH!!!

I do not know how I will comfort him everyday and take away his loneliness and homesickness but I will give it everything I have.

I thank God for giving him to me and allowing him to come here so we can live together and have a normal marriage.

Please keep giving me ideas on how to make his transition to the USA easier. He will be in culture shock I am positive. His life in Egypt is nothing like my life 2 hours South of Chicago. There are no people in the street here. People wake up at 530am to get ready for their day. Stores close at 5pm on Sundays and by 9pm all families are getting ready for sleep. I have spoken to him many times about what to expect but actually living in it will be a shock.

Thank you all

What???? how did I miss this news? Did you annouce this? I am in Morocco now but I did not miss more than a day on here

CONGRATULATIONS to you!!!!

You have helped so many people on VJ

I am so happy for this!!!

[together4evr 360]

What???? how did I miss this news? Did you annouce this? I am in Morocco now but I did not miss more than a day on here

CONGRATULATIONS to you!!!!

You have helped so many people on VJ

I am so happy for this!!!

No I did not announce it. I think this was the first post to say he is on his way. You are very sweet and I hope you are having an amazing time in Morocco! I loved the pictures on your profile.

Good Luck during the rest of this journey.

God Bless

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

I am not sweet....YOU truly deserve to b happy!!!! YOU have helped so many strangers on here for what???? Out of kindness and spiritual wealth.Big smile for you both