Think Really Hard Before Marrying Someone from MENA

[bombyjuly 13]

it,s very hard to hear,we spend a lot of years married with somebody and we never know the person, just till one day we know the monster that they have inside,Fortunately, my relationship is going well with my fiance from Morocco,I think that there are bad and good men everywhere,i know men from here,i mean American Continent that we have the same culture and religion and they are abusers too,I always advice the women that dont permit never that a man hit them,if they do,just hit them back as they deserve,im so sorry for u Debbi,God bless u,and u will see u'll find the right man for u

[meno-is-mine 37]

I am very sorry to hear your story and it is a shame that guys like your ex give all MENA men a bad name. I really, really feel for you. All relationships are a struggle, but when you add cultural differences and distance, it can make the situation even harder. Have you tried phoning your husband's family since all of this happened or any of his friends? Did you have a close relationship with anybody back in Jordan? Really, it is heartbreaking what has happened to you and I hope you find justice. I also think it will be hard for him t keep his status as a permanent resident. For all the women on here who are still early in this process, please do think long and hard.

At the end of the day, I know my husband fell in love with me, but I'm not naive to think that me being an American wasn't appealing. With that being said, I think all women should think hard not just with MENA men, but all men. Here are the things that made me believe my husband was the real deal, first off, we are close in age. He is only 1 year closer than me. Second, after visiting his country and staying in his home with his family, I seen he came from a fairly wealthy family. Not to mention, I looked up his ex fiance in Lebanon on FB and I'm kind of way hotter than her. lol. What can I say?? I'm a girl

Looking at what I said, I recommend that all women do this:

1.) As much as it would be beautiful to believe that we can find a younger man to be madly in love with us, this is very rare. Beware of any guy over 5 years younger who claims to be madly in love, whether he is from abroad or even American. Look at what Ashton did to Demi.

2.) Look at his upbringing, the morals of his family, etc. Do they respect you as his wife? Do they make conversation with you and try to know you? Do you have a relationship with his family? If not, does your husband try to get them to respect you? Have you met his extended family. Family can be the biggest red flag. (In my experience in Lebanon, there are so many men married to America, European, and Russian women. Unfortunately, in my husband's family, I am the only non Arab woman so his family did not know how to interact with me at first and I was offended because they were often a bit standoffish. However, my husband changed this and made them respect me.It was so important that they respected me the same way they would respect a Lebanese girl).

3.) I know this is crazy and lets face it, most men will feel disrespected if you ask them about their past, but if possible, find out about his exes and how their relationships ended. Does this man have a history of dating exclusively American women? I was the first non Arab woman my husband had a relationship with.

4.) Is he always in contact with you? Can you get a hold of him at all times? Do you have his family's number?

5.) The biggest thing in all relationships: Does he ask you questions about you? When a man is genuinely interested in you, he always wants to learn more.

Well said!!! I just recently got married and my initial doubts came from this. Prior to marriage, my reservations were because i thought that papers were the only thing that could be on his mind. After spending time together, I felt like he truly did care. And if i was blinded by the love bug, i made sure i wasn't imagining things by asking for my family's opinions and perceptions of him. I only decided to marry him after a long time of getting to know him. I know that its nothing like living with him, but it was as much as I can do. In my culture there's no such thing as living with a guy prior to marriage so that wasn't even on the table. While I know that he loves me, I am also quite aware that being American was appealing for him. I let him know it too and make him admit to it. I am very ok with it because there's nothing wrong with that, as long as he's aware that it's a lifetime commitment. Like my mom said and as the others have mentioned above, its a risk that you decide to take. It can either be good or bad but you have to take the risk to find out. I'm cautious that it can go sour. Like the above women, i feel i'm in love now. I don't think people go through with this feeling like they're being scammed. Its something that comes as a shock. You don't find out you've been played until you've actually been played. It's very disheartening and scary. I think about this alot in my own relationship. I think about these women (and some men) that claim how they thought their relationships were genuine until the spouse gets what they want and suddenly bail or just make life miserable and suddenly their demeanor changes towards you. I read these stories and I think this can happen to me just as easily. Am I being played as well and just don't know it? Who knows for sure?! It makes me cautious. I won't be writing anything under his name or making too many big decisions but already I'm investing myself, my heart, my time, commitment, and the AOS of course! LOL. Despite these feelings, I'm not backing down from this. It can go wrong, but it can also go very right. Its a risk I WANT to take. Right now I love him and I feel he loves me. Those feelings are real NOW. Will his change once he gets a GC? perhaps, i don't know. There isn't an obvious sign or any sign that things will change for the worst. SIGH. I could have easily married here in the States.I wasn't out of options when i decided to marry him.We met through family friends and eventually fell in love. He's just a few years older than me. I hope I don't find out the hard way that this is a sham. The whole immigration marriage is scary. You just never know for sure... EVER!!! until you take that chance.

Although I'm not happy this is happening to anyone, I am aware that it is happening to some. It's good that we can all discuss our feelings here and I hope things get better for you all. Thank you for sharing your stories with us all. Maybe someone somewhere will be saved by your warnings. I think we should all be aware of these things when we enter these relationships... Being naive is not an option. The best and smartest of us get played. It can happen to ANYONE!!!

EXCUSE MY RAMBLING!!! LOL... this topic just gets to me and plays on my insecurities...

[Mithra 1,185]

Not to offend anyone who loves it but the terms "my queen" and "my king" make me gag.

About the topic, while there is tons and tons of fraud going on in regards to MENA relationships there really are some successful relationships. There isn't a magical formulation for the success other than maybe two compatible people (in many ways) getting married and making it work. Making it work is key and both parties have to work at it. I don't know the OP or her husband personally and I'm sorry this has happened to her. It's awful. That being said, I doubt the guy just suddenly turned into a scumbag. Scumbags don't become scumbags overnight.

Just assume if the phrase "my queen" is ever uttered - you are a kersmillion percent likely being taken for a ride.

just being facetious of course, but ya know - when it's laid on that thick..

[sandinista! 1,816]

TUSCAN SUN, not TUSCANY SUN. tuscany = noun, tuscan = adjective, darnit.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

OP, Im very sorry for the pain that you have been through bcz of your husband. I hope your heart can be healed from this situation.

Its my own belief that not all middle eastern men are users & abusers that cheat on or beat on women. Some relationships just dont work. Some men just dont know how to be a partner in life. While I do believe some women need to wake up and smell the coffee so to speak bcz there are plenty of red flags in some peoples lives, I just can't ever believe that all men are like that. I do feel bad for the ones in both situations though, and it would be hard to get over something in life like that.

I love my husband with all my heart. His family is always on my heart & mind & we speak to them often. Adam is a great provider & hard worker. He has flaws, as do I. I get on his nerves & he's a pain in the butt ... but the love I have with him is worth everything I've ever been through in life. I know I havent spent a life time around middle eastern people but in the 7yrs of knowing them I have met/spent time with some of the most wonderful loving kindhearted people in my life. I couldnt judge all middle eastern people based off of the ones I know that have been used & abused or who had failed marriages. I just know way too many more that are wonderful!

[Orando 57]

Not to offend anyone who loves it but the terms "my queen" and "my king" make me gag.

About the topic, while there is tons and tons of fraud going on in regards to MENA relationships there really are some successful relationships. There isn't a magical formulation for the success other than maybe two compatible people (in many ways) getting married and making it work. Making it work is key and both parties have to work at it. I don't know the OP or her husband personally and I'm sorry this has happened to her. It's awful. That being said, I doubt the guy just suddenly turned into a scumbag. Scumbags don't become scumbags overnight.

No offense taken, jejejeje, how significant others refer to each other is not relevant for third parties...I am probably lost in the MENA forum but I enjoy reading this forum because I have no experience with MENA cultures and I enjoy learning about other cultures...I would love to visit Egypt one day, a country so rich in history and culture would be amazing to visit, it doesn't seem like the best time now to travel there but I hope things become more stable there in the future...

[Y's_habibitk 2]

So could you venture to say that perhaps a marriage that has a substantially older wife than husband doesnt have a good chance to make it or would you say you dont have all the facts in front of you?

To the OP: I am truly sorry for your loss and I hope you heal soon I wish I had magic words to make you feel better.

just my 2 cents, Kat..... I think it depends on alot of factors and probably also outside influences.

I also agree with what some said that some flags are ignored all along. I think everyone has had a relationship like that at some point in their life. It doesnt have to be MENA or an international relationship. People turn a blind eye, they ignore that nagging feeling that they have, and they dont listen to their gut when they are in love.

for your fact gathering I am 8 years older than Y and we will have been together for 5 years this year. I did not convert and have no plans to do so. Luckily, I also have inlaws that approve and care about me.

Generalizations can be used but everyone is different. If I had to advise anyone about marriage in general it would be to be 100% honest with yourself and dont ignore ANYTHING. There are jerks in all cultures and genders.

[Ihavequestions 419]

Hello from Egypt, fellow VJers!

My marriage and subsequent "VJ" has long been over and done with, thanks to God, and the result is a divorce and an ex-husband who has been black-listed. Short story, I married and lived here, in Egypt, with a man who only wanted to travel. I still stop on over to VJ once in a while because this was a large part of my support system in the craziness of that situation, and this thread caught my eye.

These are good advice - and I've added my own comments, based on my observations and my experience.

1.) As much as it would be beautiful to believe that we can find a younger man to be madly in love with us, this is very rare. Beware of any guy over 5 years younger who claims to be madly in love, whether he is from abroad or even American. Look at what Ashton did to Demi.

Be very aware of a younger man who has never been married and has never had children, and you are older and past child-bearing age. While it's true that not every MENA man wants a family, and it's not the everything, it's a very important factor to consider.

2.) Look at his upbringing, the morals of his family, etc. Do they respect you as his wife? Do they make conversation with you and try to know you? Do you have a relationship with his family? If not, does your husband try to get them to respect you? Have you met his extended family. Family can be the biggest red flag. (In my experience in Lebanon, there are so many men married to America, European, and Russian women. Unfortunately, in my husband's family, I am the only non Arab woman so his family did not know how to interact with me at first and I was offended because they were often a bit standoffish. However, my husband changed this and made them respect me.It was so important that they respected me the same way they would respect a Lebanese girl).

In my opinion, this is the biggest red flag of them all. Sisters usually screen the potential wife, and if you haven't spent time alone with the sister(s) so she or they could screen you, you and your relationship are highly unusual. Familial approval and interaction is normal. If you don't have that, it will be up to your husband to advocate on your behalf. If he's not willing to do that, he's not the guy you want to marry.

3.) I know this is crazy and lets face it, most men will feel disrespected if you ask them about their past, but if possible, find out about his exes and how their relationships ended. Does this man have a history of dating exclusively American women? I was the first non Arab woman my husband had a relationship with.

Screening him, or her, and their entire family is not disrespectful in the MENA culture, it's normal. This is what they do to each other, and this is what they will do with you, so do not - not for one minute - be hesitant to do so for yourself.

4.) Is he always in contact with you? Can you get a hold of him at all times? Do you have his family's number?

Does he shut the ringer off on his phone when you're around? Does he send calls to voice mail when you're around? In a place where everyone who has a mobile phone answers it every time it rings, even at work - especially if it's his mother, his wife, or his bride-to-be because this is normal, he should be answering his phone for you and in front of you.

5.) The biggest thing in all relationships: Does he ask you questions about you? When a man is genuinely interested in you, he always wants to learn more.

Or are his questions centered around his new life in America? I'm not talking about those questions about America because the curiosity is normal, I'm talking about his life, not your life together. If it's all about him, and not about the two of you, it isn't right anywhere in the world.

I would add:

6.) Have you had the men in your family talk to him about his intentions and plans for your future together? If he were marrying within his own culture, that conversation would happen before the engagement, and if it didn't there would be no engagement much less marriage. It's also important, again culturally, that he know you have people on your side, who will advocate to him - and his entire family if need be - on your behalf.

7.) Does he tell you he loves you? Really, that's part and parcel to the wooing process, and once he decides you're the girl for him, the "I love you" is going to happen, it will happen frequently, and he will mean it. Does it mean "I am desperately in love with you"? Probably not. However, I can assure you it does mean he is fond of you, fond enough that he's thinking about forever with you.

8.) Does he have "friends" who advise him about the visa process? Sure, this is something they talk about together, but if he only listens to his friends, and doesn't listen to you, be wary. Why? Because 1.) your opinion isn't important to him and it should be, and 2.) if they're telling him how to get a green card, they're probably also telling him how to keep it - and probably without you.

[~Jackie~ 30]

I haven't been on this site for such a long time......the more things change the more they stay the same.

hugs to the OP~ it's not you, it's the game.

Jackie

[Ban Hammer 12,880]

I haven't been on this site for such a long time......the more things change the more they stay the same.

hugs to the OP~ it's not you, it's the game.

Jackie

hey jackie!

[SaharaSunset 165]

Not to offend anyone who loves it but the terms "my queen" and "my king" make me gag.

About the topic, while there is tons and tons of fraud going on in regards to MENA relationships there really are some successful relationships. There isn't a magical formulation for the success other than maybe two compatible people (in many ways) getting married and making it work. Making it work is key and both parties have to work at it. I don't know the OP or her husband personally and I'm sorry this has happened to her. It's awful. That being said, I doubt the guy just suddenly turned into a scumbag. Scumbags don't become scumbags overnight.

Amen! Its kind of like American men who say they just want to "treat a girl like a princess." In my experience, phrases like that almost always indicated they absolutely DID NOT know how to treat women well!

After reading this thread I do want to make another observation. Sadly there are cheaters and scumbags in all cultures. And there are cultural difference even between people from the same country. I think all things in love HAVE to be taken on a case by case basis.

I had dated many men before I met my "now" husband while traveling in Morocco. Within a few hours of interacting and talking to him I could feel that he was one of the best men I had ever met. He was my tour guide there and so I was fortunate to have the chance to build the foundation of our relationship in person. And as I got to know him, I was able to observe more than just how respectful and thoughtful he was towards me. I saw how he interacted with other people, and how thoughtful and genuinely kind and good-natured he was with everyone.

I'm in my 30's now but I loved to travel solo in my 20's and have encountered the amorous attention of men in many cultures. I can say that the attention of my (now)husband was absolutely nothing like any of the "I just wanna get some from an American Girl" kind of attention I got from random men I met in my travels. Combine that with my experience with American men, and I feel that I had become a relatively good judge of character. Trust me I was watching like hawk for any little red flag. Marriage is a one time, eternal commitment for me. As our interaction continued via email, skype and visits to Morocco, my husband was ever thoughtful, honest, loving and consistent in his treatment and interaction with me, his family and his friends.....more so than any man I have ever met. Its hard not to sound cliche but its true. And believe me, if I had a dollar for everytime someone asked me if I had seen "Not without my Daughter," I'd be rich! But my husband is NOT that kind of man, MENA man or not, he is NOT an abusive, womanizing cheater. I married him, because I knew without a doubt I would never find a better man. And now, married, he is just as wonderful, considerate, loving and good as he was the first day I met him. Of course he is a man and of course he is not perfect. But because in his core is good and genuine and honest and sensitive, we figure these little things out, just like all married couples.

I married my "MENA" man because he was, by leaps and bounds, the best man I have ever met. It makes me sad that the OP and others have been hurt by men from this region of the world, and my heart goes out to them. The sad things is, we could start a whole thread of women who have been hurt by American men, or European men, or Australian men. I just want to add my experience to the others that have had a positive experience with their "MENA" man. I will admit that my husband seems to have bypassed many of the cultural cliches, and I don't deny they exist. But they are not inherent in all MENA men. And I know there are many out there who are the kindest and best of men...my husband is living proof.

[Silverberry1331 25]

First, Deb, I am so sorry for your pain. That is so unfair. I am praying for healing and restoration for you.

Second, I am about to say something that may potentially get me blasted, but I am going to say it anyway. If you as a woman are alot older than your MENA SO (especially if you are outside of childbearing age and he is in his prime), then it is probably a good indication something is wrong. Culturally speaking, MENA marriages are family focused. Alot of men want children. Much older women and much younger men are not the norm. Just be careful.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Not to put any of my religious preferences on this thread

but the Profits Muhammd's PBUH first wife Khadija was just as you describe and they went on to make wonderful history

[Silverberry1331 25]

Not to put any of my religious preferences on this thread

but the Profits Muhammd's PBUH first wife Khadija was just as you describe and they went on to make wonderful history

With all due respect...that is the Prophet of God, so let's leave him, Jesus, and Moses out of this. Those are holy men...and most of them weren't looking to immigrate.

I have heard that a thousand times, with the Khadija bit. I think it is a ploy that some men use. Some guys (not all) will say anything to get what they need, and some women will believe anything to convince themselves into believing the opposite of what is the obvious.

I will not say that all these May-Decembers fail (the Prophet-PBUH-is a fine example)...however, I would NOT put alot of these things (especially these facebook, dating website trollers) in the same league with the Prophet and his actions.

Edited March 4, 2012 by Silverberry1331

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

I assure I did not hear this from some guys that want to come to America...

You wrote being out of child bearing age and the man in his prime and this popped into my head

It is here in America that we set a child bearing age because of science and what we have learned from science

But if it's up to God...I feel more comfort in his corner.

And Again, I started the post with not to put personal religious preferences in this thread...it is a lovely story and what you wrote just triggered my memory.

Edit my spelling of fell to feel

Edited March 4, 2012 by inluvnwaiting