I need a little bit of advice

[Mrs. Forgetful 2]

Well I just got off the phone with my husband. He had a bad morning at work and his boss yelled at him and blamed him for someone elses mistake. Now he is thinking about quitting and he doesn't have another job pinned down, and with all of our expenses, we can't afford to have him not working there! Now I want to be supportive of his decisions, yet when his decision is at the wrong time I just want to scream! I offered to come to his work tonight and break fast with him, maybe spend some time with him to cheer him up, but he doesn't want me to. So what should I do? I asked him to talk to me, but he doesn't want to talk. I asked him if he wanted me to work with him, he said no. What the heck am I supposed to do when I am all worried and he tells me not to worry about him!?

His boss makes me so mad! He's a selfish rich SOB and doesn't give a dang to his most valuable employee! Yes, my husband! Everyone calls him "numero uno" and his boss always gives him a lot of praise. Yet when he hurt his neck and shoulder while at work, his boss asked him to come in while he was on pain medicine! I called him in the morning and told him there was no way he was coming in. There was no "get better soon," no "are you sure you are well enough to work?" no "you should take a day or two off to make sure you don't get hurt even more!" No concern what so ever! I'm lucky! My bosses are always concerned about me. If I look sick, they ask if I am ok. But I guess that is only becuase I work for a large company. But still, if I owned my own business, I would make sure my employees are at their best so I could have top performance! You can't run a pizza/catering company without all by yourself! The employees need to be thought of too! If my husband decided to quit, I would put so much money on it that his boss would come crawling and begging him to come back! My husband works like a donkey and has put 20000 miles on our new car because of that man! He could at least give my husband a little respet! I can't wait to meet that man face to face! I might not be able to hold my tounge next time something happens!

Anyway, I'm wondering how I can be a good muslim wife to him and support him, yet be firm. I always support him, yet when I try to be firm he becomes more firm and I back off, or we get in a fight. Any help would be wonderful.

Thanks!

(Sorry about my little rant, I guess I needed to get that out somehow!)

[jordanianprincess 0]

Well I just got off the phone with my husband. He had a bad morning at work and his boss yelled at him and blamed him for someone elses mistake. Now he is thinking about quitting and he doesn't have another job pinned down, and with all of our expenses, we can't afford to have him not working there! Now I want to be supportive of his decisions, yet when his decision is at the wrong time I just want to scream! I offered to come to his work tonight and break fast with him, maybe spend some time with him to cheer him up, but he doesn't want me to. So what should I do? I asked him to talk to me, but he doesn't want to talk. I asked him if he wanted me to work with him, he said no. What the heck am I supposed to do when I am all worried and he tells me not to worry about him!?

His boss makes me so mad! He's a selfish rich SOB and doesn't give a dang to his most valuable employee! Yes, my husband! Everyone calls him "numero uno" and his boss always gives him a lot of praise. Yet when he hurt his neck and shoulder while at work, his boss asked him to come in while he was on pain medicine! I called him in the morning and told him there was no way he was coming in. There was no "get better soon," no "are you sure you are well enough to work?" no "you should take a day or two off to make sure you don't get hurt even more!" No concern what so ever! I'm lucky! My bosses are always concerned about me. If I look sick, they ask if I am ok. But I guess that is only becuase I work for a large company. But still, if I owned my own business, I would make sure my employees are at their best so I could have top performance! You can't run a pizza/catering company without all by yourself! The employees need to be thought of too! If my husband decided to quit, I would put so much money on it that his boss would come crawling and begging him to come back! My husband works like a donkey and has put 20000 miles on our new car because of that man! He could at least give my husband a little respet! I can't wait to meet that man face to face! I might not be able to hold my tounge next time something happens!

Anyway, I'm wondering how I can be a good muslim wife to him and support him, yet be firm. I always support him, yet when I try to be firm he becomes more firm and I back off, or we get in a fight. Any help would be wonderful.

Thanks!

(Sorry about my little rant, I guess I needed to get that out somehow!)

Ok I don't know if you are going to like my answer, but you have done everything you can. You have offered help and he doesnt want it. The best thing you can do is just be patient and wait until he comes to you. Don't get involved in his affairs at work because it makes him look like less of a man and arab men hate that. Let him deal with his boss, man to man. If he quits well then he quits and its not the end of the world.

I once quit a job that I thought I needed sooooo badly but I was just fine and got another job within weeks. When a door closes a window opens. Be supportive like you are now, but don't smother him. I know we all have that need to take care of our men, but we also have to step back and let them stand on their own and let them depend on themselves.

[MHandMB 0]

I can see where you're coming from with trying to help, but nothing seems to be working. My husband is like that, too. He is so stubborn, and sometimes nothing I do or offer to do will help.

The best thing I have found is to just be supportive, let him know my feelings on the subject at hand, offer my advice, and then let him stew for a bit. Once he has calmed down and has had a chance to think things through on his own for a bit, he always comes back to me and we discuss things and come up with a solution. I think it's a cultural thing to try to handle the problem on his own and not worry me about it, but when I show him that I'm interested and I'm here to listen and to try to help him fix the problem, he usually comes around.

Also, I don't know how your husband is, but mine will sometimes say things when he's upset that he doesn't really mean. For instance, I can see him saying "no, don't worry about coming to break fast, I'm fine." However, deep down, he really would want me to come by. He's done that before when we've been in a little spat. When we lived in Paris, I would offer to stop by his store to say hey while he was at work, and he would say "no, don't come out of your way, I'm busy." But I'd stop by with some dinner for him, and it's like the bad mood totally lifted off his shoulders.

Of course, every person is different, so I don't know if your husband really means "no, don't come by for dinner" or not.

It sounds like you're trying really hard, though, and I'm sure he'll see that once he has had a chance to fume for a while on his own.

Good luck!

Edited October 3, 2006 by MHandMB

[sarah and hicham 3]

I agree here, sometimes they say "no no no" but they mean "yes yes yes or else I'm gonna be a pissy baby all day". oops.

[sarah and hicham 3]

On a side note does this only apply to Muslim wives? I am just a regular one but I would think this thread could be for all wives?

[jordanianprincess 0]

On a side note does this only apply to Muslim wives? I am just a regular one but I would think this thread could be for all wives?

I had the same exact thought before I posted here and if you only wanted the advice of Muslim women then I'm sorry for posting I just figured you would want all points of view. If not i retract my post..can we do that?

[Jenn! 918]

On a side note does this only apply to Muslim wives? I am just a regular one but I would think this thread could be for all wives?

I had the same exact thought before I posted here and if you only wanted the advice of Muslim women then I'm sorry for posting I just figured you would want all points of view. If not i retract my post..can we do that?

That's why I haven't posted.

[sarah and hicham 3]

haha I just thought it was funny since I didn't notice anything "Muslim" about the situation in the first place. Maybe I missed something.

[Together4ever 1]

I don't know if I'll be much help, but I can offer what I learned from Mohammed. When he's in a for real bad mood and he specifically says NO he means it. He needs space. Its not personal against you. If anything, he's trying to spare you his attitude and sort things out for himself. I think this is a very male trait and from my experience maybe more so in ME/NA men. His work is a big part of his male identity, and when a woman tries to intercede, even though well-meaning, it can kind of be a blow to his ego as JP said.

I've found 2 things to be effective in being supportive. One is to just say "I understand you're really upset. I'm so sorry this happened. You know I believe in you and trust your decisions no matter what and I love you. When you need to talk about it I'm ready to listen to you." (That usually takes all of about a minute and a half, he just likes it to be his idea.) The other is to keep your concerns and advices to a minimum when he's "brooding". State them briefly and to the point. He knows where you stand. It's enough. After he's cool there's time for more talking.

I realize no 2 people move through the world and their relationships the same way, but I know this works well when my hot head is having a "man moment."

I think it helps them a lot to know you are quietly there for them, believing in them and completely open to anything they need from you. I know when I was with Mohammed and he was upset over something I would do my own thing but if I walked by him, I would just touch him or he looked to me I would smile, and eventually he would come and sit and spill his mind.

[~Jackie~ 30]

Mohammed had been working for a man for about a year. On a Saturday morning, he called me and said, 'I am on my way home. I quit. ' Luckily he had saved in his checking account and could afford to take some time off to look for a new job. Long story short, he then sold cars for a month and ended up going back to boss #1.

I stayed out of it and let him handle his business affairs. I hope everything works out for your man. Give him time and support and he will do the right thing.

Jackie

[morocco4ever 63]

I don't know if I'll be much help, but I can offer what I learned from Mohammed. When he's in a for real bad mood and he specifically says NO he means it. He needs space. Its not personal against you. If anything, he's trying to spare you his attitude and sort things out for himself. I think this is a very male trait and from my experience maybe more so in ME/NA men. His work is a big part of his male identity, and when a woman tries to intercede, even though well-meaning, it can kind of be a blow to his ego as JP said.

I've found 2 things to be effective in being supportive. One is to just say "I understand you're really upset. I'm so sorry this happened. You know I believe in you and trust your decisions no matter what and I love you. When you need to talk about it I'm ready to listen to you." (That usually takes all of about a minute and a half, he just likes it to be his idea.) The other is to keep your concerns and advices to a minimum when he's "brooding". State them briefly and to the point. He knows where you stand. It's enough. After he's cool there's time for more talking.

I realize no 2 people move through the world and their relationships the same way, but I know this works well when my hot head is having a "man moment."

I think it helps them a lot to know you are quietly there for them, believing in them and completely open to anything they need from you. I know when I was with Mohammed and he was upset over something I would do my own thing but if I walked by him, I would just touch him or he looked to me I would smile, and eventually he would come and sit and spill his mind.

This is EXACTLY how my husband is. I find when he is in a bad mood, no matter what the reason the worst thing I can do is push it, or ask too many questions. When he is ready he comes around and tells me about it, then and only then do I offer any ideas. But I word it differently. Such as, what do you think about......do you think......etc. Get the point? ask their opinion, but only when they are receptive.

Don't you wish men were as simple as us women?

[Together4ever 1]

I don't know if I'll be much help, but I can offer what I learned from Mohammed. When he's in a for real bad mood and he specifically says NO he means it. He needs space. Its not personal against you. If anything, he's trying to spare you his attitude and sort things out for himself. I think this is a very male trait and from my experience maybe more so in ME/NA men. His work is a big part of his male identity, and when a woman tries to intercede, even though well-meaning, it can kind of be a blow to his ego as JP said.

I've found 2 things to be effective in being supportive. One is to just say "I understand you're really upset. I'm so sorry this happened. You know I believe in you and trust your decisions no matter what and I love you. When you need to talk about it I'm ready to listen to you." (That usually takes all of about a minute and a half, he just likes it to be his idea.) The other is to keep your concerns and advices to a minimum when he's "brooding". State them briefly and to the point. He knows where you stand. It's enough. After he's cool there's time for more talking.

I realize no 2 people move through the world and their relationships the same way, but I know this works well when my hot head is having a "man moment."

I think it helps them a lot to know you are quietly there for them, believing in them and completely open to anything they need from you. I know when I was with Mohammed and he was upset over something I would do my own thing but if I walked by him, I would just touch him or he looked to me I would smile, and eventually he would come and sit and spill his mind.

This is EXACTLY how my husband is. I find when he is in a bad mood, no matter what the reason the worst thing I can do is push it, or ask too many questions. When he is ready he comes around and tells me about it, then and only then do I offer any ideas. But I word it differently. Such as, what do you think about......do you think......etc. Get the point? ask their opinion, but only when they are receptive.

Don't you wish men were as simple as us women?

One thing I'm grateful for, we have developed a very open line of communication between us. Sometimes he'll just come right out and say "Don't be offended honey, but I'm really pissed off right now." Doesn't mean its at me... just means he's not on straight and he knows his temper. He doesn't want to end up blowing inappropriately at me (cuz then oh baby is he gonna pay). The conversations on the phone that just waste me go something like this:

"I'm not in a good mood."

"I know. What's wrong."

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok."

*crickets chirping*

"I'm really pissed."

"Yes I know. If you want to talk about it, I'll listen."

"Thank you honey, but no I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok."

*More crickets*

Then he suddenly launches into about an hour long sermon about why he's in a bad mood, taking all of about 3 breaths, and when he's finally wound down he says:

"Gee, you always make me feel better honey."

uh, yeah.

Happy to be of service.

Ha ha.

Edited October 4, 2006 by just_waiting

[Yasi 0]

Mrs. Forgetful,

I have one word for you PRIDE. That's a very big issue with ME men. They've so much pride that it really gets in the middle of the things and doesn't make things easy. I have been dealing with one for 2 years now. You just have to let him be for a while. He needs to be in charge then he'll come around. They always do.

Good luck. I hope everything works for you.

One thing though, comfort him... not with words... they always say a way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... it shows you care for him and you're there.

Best wishes,

Yasi

[morocco4ever 63]

I don't know if I'll be much help, but I can offer what I learned from Mohammed. When he's in a for real bad mood and he specifically says NO he means it. He needs space. Its not personal against you. If anything, he's trying to spare you his attitude and sort things out for himself. I think this is a very male trait and from my experience maybe more so in ME/NA men. His work is a big part of his male identity, and when a woman tries to intercede, even though well-meaning, it can kind of be a blow to his ego as JP said.

I've found 2 things to be effective in being supportive. One is to just say "I understand you're really upset. I'm so sorry this happened. You know I believe in you and trust your decisions no matter what and I love you. When you need to talk about it I'm ready to listen to you." (That usually takes all of about a minute and a half, he just likes it to be his idea.) The other is to keep your concerns and advices to a minimum when he's "brooding". State them briefly and to the point. He knows where you stand. It's enough. After he's cool there's time for more talking.

I realize no 2 people move through the world and their relationships the same way, but I know this works well when my hot head is having a "man moment."

I think it helps them a lot to know you are quietly there for them, believing in them and completely open to anything they need from you. I know when I was with Mohammed and he was upset over something I would do my own thing but if I walked by him, I would just touch him or he looked to me I would smile, and eventually he would come and sit and spill his mind.

This is EXACTLY how my husband is. I find when he is in a bad mood, no matter what the reason the worst thing I can do is push it, or ask too many questions. When he is ready he comes around and tells me about it, then and only then do I offer any ideas. But I word it differently. Such as, what do you think about......do you think......etc. Get the point? ask their opinion, but only when they are receptive.

Don't you wish men were as simple as us women?

One thing I'm grateful for, we have developed a very open line of communication between us. Sometimes he'll just come right out and say "Don't be offended honey, but I'm really pissed off right now." Doesn't mean its at me... just means he's not on straight and he knows his temper. He doesn't want to end up blowing inappropriately at me (cuz then oh baby is he gonna pay). The conversations on the phone that just waste me go something like this:

"I'm not in a good mood."

"I know. What's wrong."

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok."

*crickets chirping*

"I'm really pissed."

"Yes I know. If you want to talk about it, I'll listen."

"Thank you honey, but no I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok."

*More crickets*

Then he suddenly launches into about an hour long sermon about why he's in a bad mood, taking all of about 3 breaths, and when he's finally wound down he says:

"Gee, you always make me feel better honey."

uh, yeah.

Happy to be of service.

Ha ha.

OMG

I had to let my husband read this....we were laughing so hard!

Now my husband did point out, if I totally leave him alone it pisses him off...can we win? lol Then he said, just tell me you will be there for me when I am ready to talk.

Yup, these women know what they are talkiing about here!

Mrs. Forgetful,

I have one word for you PRIDE. That's a very big issue with ME men. They've so much pride that it really gets in the middle of the things and doesn't make things easy. I have been dealing with one for 2 years now. You just have to let him be for a while. He needs to be in charge then he'll come around. They always do.

Good luck. I hope everything works for you.

One thing though, comfort him... not with words... they always say a way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... it shows you care for him and you're there.

Best wishes,

Yasi

See what I mean...these women know what they are talking about. The second thing my husband said is to fix him something good to eat!

Edited October 4, 2006 by Morocco4ever

[Henia 11]

Well I just got off the phone with my husband. He had a bad morning at work and his boss yelled at him and blamed him for someone elses mistake. Now he is thinking about quitting and he doesn't have another job pinned down, and with all of our expenses, we can't afford to have him not working there! Now I want to be supportive of his decisions, yet when his decision is at the wrong time I just want to scream! I offered to come to his work tonight and break fast with him, maybe spend some time with him to cheer him up, but he doesn't want me to. So what should I do? I asked him to talk to me, but he doesn't want to talk. I asked him if he wanted me to work with him, he said no. What the heck am I supposed to do when I am all worried and he tells me not to worry about him!?

His boss makes me so mad! He's a selfish rich SOB and doesn't give a dang to his most valuable employee! Yes, my husband! Everyone calls him "numero uno" and his boss always gives him a lot of praise. Yet when he hurt his neck and shoulder while at work, his boss asked him to come in while he was on pain medicine! I called him in the morning and told him there was no way he was coming in. There was no "get better soon," no "are you sure you are well enough to work?" no "you should take a day or two off to make sure you don't get hurt even more!" No concern what so ever! I'm lucky! My bosses are always concerned about me. If I look sick, they ask if I am ok. But I guess that is only becuase I work for a large company. But still, if I owned my own business, I would make sure my employees are at their best so I could have top performance! You can't run a pizza/catering company without all by yourself! The employees need to be thought of too! If my husband decided to quit, I would put so much money on it that his boss would come crawling and begging him to come back! My husband works like a donkey and has put 20000 miles on our new car because of that man! He could at least give my husband a little respet! I can't wait to meet that man face to face! I might not be able to hold my tounge next time something happens!

Anyway, I'm wondering how I can be a good muslim wife to him and support him, yet be firm. I always support him, yet when I try to be firm he becomes more firm and I back off, or we get in a fight. Any help would be wonderful.

Thanks!

(Sorry about my little rant, I guess I needed to get that out somehow!)

SOme friendly, take what is good from it, and leave the bad: Give him his space, lurk in the backgound, willing to give him whatever he needs(talk, hugs, kisses, etc)... NA and Muslim men are like this... when they are mad, they NEED their time to cool off... they can be rude and bitchy but when they calm down, they come smiling, saying sorry and many times when presents ... so just play it cool, act normally and DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT keep buggin him to tell you all his feelings, etc...this will only make it harder and longer time for him to get over. My husband usually takes him a few hours out of the house, or just the time that he goes to the masjid to pray and then he comes back all apologetic and loving...this has saved our relation, esp being newlyweds ALOT I have found they MENA men, esp NA men donnot like to look like they are not the masters of their own lives/families...so when problems come up at work, which they cannot control, it is so bad for them...It is all about the ego.

Anyway thats my 2cents...take it or leave...Peace and Blessings Henia