An affair in progress with pending visa?

[worththerisk? 1]

I sure where else to put this. Also not sure how much response to expect. I know this is not a "marriage counseling website", but one that brings families together. I am not too sure where else to turn though... I feel so lost, and concerned... My life feels like a soap opera. It's turned into a nightmare.

To sum up the situation... I am the beneficiary, our paperwork was sent out in the new year. We have been married for less than a year. I have been lucky enough to visit him regularly as we touch borders. Anyway, moving on to the matter at hand.

I have always been a little leery trusting my husband. I have walked in on him clearly doing something he didn't want me to see more than once. I try to tell myself however, that I am just being silly. After-all I do tend to over worry... Being of a depressed nature does not help either.

By February this year, the hiding seemed a little more obvious. I caught a few texts come to his phone with the name of a woman I'd never heard of (one had said "I hope you had a good day" which indicates to me that they talk often). Even if we do not live together, as his wife I would still expect to know who his friends are. I think thats legitimate? I respect his privacy, I do not mean I want details... Just their names to come up in random conversation, you know? Someone he is talking to regularly should be worth my knowledge. Perhaps he would go ahead and text/call them in my presence? Openness, thats all I desire. No hiding.

I asked him about this woman who had texted him, at this point I wasn't panicking, more just curious. He told me they never talked (well he said about every 6 weeks they exchange a text), but I noted following that she texted him the next 3 days in a row. After that my suspicions went up.

I asked him gently to perhaps fill me in on his friendships (at least the ones whom he has regular contact). Its hard enough being separated all the time without feeling insecure. He promised he would, he told me my request was fair. He didn't deliver.

I found out later that this woman was someone who he had been madly in love with years ago. They had recently reconnected.

Next time I was visiting I asked if they had talked. He said no. I decided to look at his phone (I know this makes me look really bad, but I wanted my suspicions to be denied). Of course, it only made it worse. I noticed he had deleted the old messages she had sent (though there were new messages from the last 2 days). He also deleted his call history. I had to assume that he wouldn't be deleting things if he wasn't hiding, it just doesn't make a lot of sense. I decided to confront him about her again. He denied anything going on, said they were just friends. Later I discovered he was doing google searches for her name (4-5 times a week) looking at her face book account all the time, at photos of her, at her website. Then came his searches for plane tickets roundtrip to the state she lives in or for her to come to his state (browsing history). Things just continued to alert me that this was not just a friendship, it seemed like more than that.

I guess somewhere in this mess, I have become a mess. Obsessed, worried, scared. I am questioning if I want to relocate to the US now... It seems like a horrible waste of time and it doesn't seem like its worth the risk. We have not even been married a year, have never even lived together and already there are other woman. Its devastating to me that he could so easily have an affair (or be working up to one) after such a short time being married and after all the extra effort we have both endured to maintain our long distance relationship. Why would he file for the visa to bring me to the US just to cheat on me? If he were to have just dated an American citizen he wouldn't have to bother with all the extra effort. The whole thing doesn't make sense. Why me then?

He claims he was looking at plane tickets because he was frustrated. He is telling me he won't talk to her again. What about the periods when he is alone here?

I am now here reaching out, hoping to find someone who might have been through the same or for advice. Maybe its me who is way off base here. I was wrong for 'checking up on him', but I just hate going home after every visit wondering if he is having an affair. I keep hoping for reassurance that this is not happening to us, but it keeps getting worse.

Is cheating is a common occurrence in long distance relationships? I would think it shouldn't be, but with extended periods of time apart, some people could argue that they get lonely. Maybe its possible that once I move here these issues would stop? Has anyone here had that experience?

I don't know what I'm looking for here, but if anyone has any input. I would appreciate it.

Yes, my husband and I have discussed this issue a few times now, but it is still gnawing at me. I know that I need to make a choice to forgive and forget, or tell him that I can't continue this relationship. I know I need to make that choice soon. I can't keep going on like this. I don't think its fair to him either.

I need help.

[Mike&Rach 0]

Ok if he's having an affair or intending to or not at all the fact still stands that he's lied to you on a number of occasions, you don't trust him and now having to check on him and you've found evidence he was looking at flights to the state she is in. I don't see how you can fix this in any shape or form if he is continuing to lie or how you could work things out when he isn't being honest.

Whether it is common for people to cheat in a long distance relationship or not is completely irrelevant, you can't move countries to a man who obviously doesn't respect you to lie in the first place about contact with an ex (of all people!) to see if it will stop.

I am sorry you are going through this because it is a very messed up situation to be in and if you are having doubts about moving, you shouldn't be moving. Has he pulled something like this in the past? What are these other things you have walked in on and he didn't want you to see what he was doing?

Edited April 5, 2011 by Mike&Rach

[worththerisk? 1]

Ok if he's having an affair or intending to or not at all the fact still stands that he's lied to you on a number of occasions, you don't trust him and now having to check on him and you've found evidence he was looking at flights to the state she is in. I don't see how you can fix this in any shape or form if he is continuing to lie or how you could work things out when he isn't being honest.

Whether it is common for people to cheat in a long distance relationship or not is completely irrelevant, you can't move countries to a man who obviously doesn't respect you to lie in the first place about contact with an ex (of all people!) to see if it will stop.

I am sorry you are going through this because it is a very messed up situation to be in and if you are having doubts about moving, you shouldn't be moving. Has he pulled something like this in the past? What are these other things you have walked in on and he didn't want you to see what he was doing?

I have caught him closing web pages when I have walked into his bedroom when he wasn't expecting me at least 3 different times. I have seen him hide his phone also for the same reason. The first time something like this happened was a month after our daughter was born when I had brought her out to the US for the first time. He was in his room and I had come in to grab her a change of cloths. I happened to glance over and he kind of panicked and closed his window on his computer. He later admitted that he was replying to a woman (not the same woman) who had wanted to date him or something and didn't want me to see. I also found a moderate amount of pornography on his computer by accident about 9 months ago after he had said he no longer used such things. However, I forgave this (what else is he supposed to do when I'm not here, right?) Though I still don't like it. Photo's of woman who he will never meet is completely different than a real woman who he is looking into meeting. This makes me sick.

----> I should note that she is not an ex, sorry it came across as such. She is a woman who he desired very much but they never ended up dating. She blew him off I'm told many years ago. Thats one thing he admitted to. She is apparently a fantasy.

I'm thinking it may be best if I see a counsellor and maybe not come back for awhile. We haven't received NOA2 so I am in no panic to make a decision. Its sad that I am going to have to though. I love this man so much... I thought he felt the same for me. Hard to swallow questioning if he is even the man I thought I fell for...

[luckytxn 2,265]

He does not feel the same for you that you do for him. I doubt that you getting a visa and coming here and be together will change things. He has the roaming eye and it seems he will act on offers that may spring up from time to time. It is a shame as this type is never really happy but could be if they can get it through their thick skulls that happiness is here if we want it and it is in front of us.

[caly 48]

Sorry for what you are going through, but from what you've shared, this has been going on for awhile. And the lying seems to be a continuing pattern of behaviour for him. I do not think it will change in future, even when you are there with him. He'll most likely just find some other excuse for his behaviour. He obviously does not respect you at all as a partner.

Once trust is broken in a relationship, the suspicion and worry seems to just get worse and worse and it eats away at you. I've seen it happen first-hand to my mother and would not wish it on anyone. Also, if your daughter grows up seeing how he treats women, she may think it's normal and it would most likely affect her own relationships with men in the future. Please leave him for your own sanity and for your daughter's sake!

[thongd4me 69]

He does not feel the same for you that you do for him. I doubt that you getting a visa and coming here and be together will change things. He has the roaming eye and it seems he will act on offers that may spring up from time to time. It is a shame as this type is never really happy but could be if they can get it through their thick skulls that happiness is here if we want it and it is in front of us.

I agree. Seems like the tip of an iceberg and summer is nowhere in sight.

[Staashi 371]

Run, sister. Run!

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

How do you feel about open marriages?