Two dumb questions we get asked almost daily

[SuperDuper! 230]

What a great topic, and great responses.

Personally, I think that people that have had kids for a few years, are so disillusioned and cynical, thinking back to the "fairytale" perceptions and unrealistic idealism about how life with kids should be.... That, when they tell you, "You don't know what you are missing", they are really laughing and chuckling, and secretly jealous of married couples who do not yet have kids.

The 2.2 kids household wants you to lose your freedom and peace and quiet, so "peer pressure" to tell you to have kids is really a conspiracy for you to lose your carefree and spontaneous lifestyle.

[Fandango 1,439]

What a great topic, and great responses.

Personally, I think that people that have had kids for a few years, are so disillusioned and cynical, thinking back to the "fairytale" perceptions and unrealistic idealism about how life with kids should be.... That, when they tell you, "You don't know what you are missing", they are really laughing and chuckling, and secretly jealous of married couples who do not yet have kids.

The 2.2 kids household wants you to lose your freedom and peace and quiet, so "peer pressure" to tell you to have kids is really a conspiracy for you to lose your carefree and spontaneous lifestyle.

LOL you're joking, right? hahahaha

____

We waited til we were ready, I wouldn't have traded in my/our time beforehand for anything. For us, we do feel that perhaps we 'partied a bit too long' in that we are now in our 30s with a baby. We probs would have liked to be here maybe a few years ago. But, that's the way it worked out for us, and I'm a firm believer in fate, and if we had children earlier - let's say 5 years ago, it would have been with other people

Neither one of us feel bad about not having time to ourselves, or not going out clubbing every weekend. Been there, done that, so staying home watching a movie with the baby on a Sat night is just perfect for us.

Parenthood is certainly not for everyone, and certainly not something to be pushed on anyone.

[Gemmie 142]

I don't think they're being deceitful about it (oh, life with children is so miserable, lets get others to join us). I just think once you have kids, your entire life becomes about them, so it's hard not to think about it or wonder when you see other couples.

Let's face it, we all have someone on Facebook that posts 60 updates a day about their children, and the moment you say anything (i.e. aww, cute baby) they ask you when you're planning on having them yourself. I find it so incredibly rude when people publicly ask like that. What if I had been trying to get pregnant for a long time and was really upset about it? What if I had a medical condition where I couldn't have children? What if I actually detested them? It seems like there isn't a "right answer" other than 'soon in the future/not yet', and even then only if you have a good reason, like finances.

One time when there was a newborn involved, and I got the 'when is your turn' question, I had just finished explaining how (at that time) I had only been married for like a month, and wanted to enjoy our quiet time without demands from a screaming baby - I was told after an awkward silence that they only scream when they want something, and that their infant wasn't like that (even though they often complained about the sleepless nights). Again, as if it's a personal offense. If I had gotten a new puppy and asked if you wanted one, and you told me you weren't interested because you didn't want to deal with the barking, fine. If I ask why you don't want to go back to college right now, and you tell me you just don't want the late night studying, fine. I know they're not comparable, and I'm not suggesting that children are like puppies, just that any reason I give should be respected and a personal choice. In fact when I told my dad that we were getting a puppy, he was concerned that we couldn't take care of it because we work long hours, yet when the conversation turns to children, he says "well I expect you will, in your 20's now" etc.

And I do get the impression from a lot of my family/friends that have kids are rooting for me to have them myself, almost trying to convince me. During a conversation where a girl asked if you had to 'pay to give birth in America' I explained the health insurance situation and listed it as one of the reasons we're holding off, as at the time I was uninsured. I was told that I should simply travel back to the UK and deliver my baby there, and then move back - because me and my husband had been 'waiting ages'. I get these kind of comments all the time from old friends with children. Funnily enough, none of my other accomplishments (being the only one to graduate from university, moving countries, getting a good job, getting a driving license, things that none of them managed to do because they instantly had children) are never praised or mentioned. I was even told by one of them that having a baby was the best thing you could do, and hope for.

As it turns out, I do want children, and we do often talk about whether to start trying in the next year or to hold off - but the barrage of questions is just irritating. Like Lisa said, it shouldn't be pushed on anyone.

[rlogan 2,036]

Leidys and I get asked almost daily why we haven't conceived yet, and when will we travel to Colombia to have a Prince Charles/Lady Di Wedding Ceremony in her hometown within the next 6-8 months? Do people think money grows from trees?

Listen carefully to the way people ask so that you learn the difference between someone interested in your plans vs. someone trying to manipulate you into being defensive.

If someone asks "Why haven't you conceived yet"? It is a rhetorical question. They are putting you down, not asking a question. It is asked in a manner to make you look bad for not conceiving yet.

If you take the bait and act defensively, you will simply have another follow-up put-down that makes them appear as if your life needs to be justified to them.

Likewise with the wedding. They are asking WHEN you are doing it, as if it was a requirement of you and anyone not doing it must have something wrong with them.

The standard follow-up put-down after you respond that you are not having a big fancy second wedding is to say "You mean you aren't having a wedding ceremony here?!" They're looking around at everyone else in disbelief while saying it, to emphasize to all of them that they are sitting in the judgement seat and you are the guilty party being interrogated by them.

You're right to be upset by this. It is a dirty, mean, manipulative trick being played on you. Very cunning in how subtle it is, but they might just as well be saying "I'm the boss of you, and you are unworthy".

The trick is to never let your emotions be manipulated like this. You have expressed frustration with this thread. That is exactly what they want. They want you to feel bad. Once you understand that, you are a long way home to freeing yourself from their manipulation.

Listen carefully. Slow them down. They are using an ambush strategy, and once your emotions are in gear they have you beat. Repeat the words back to them: "Why have I not conceived yet..." Now you can calmly point out what they are doing: "You are asking that question as if there is something wrong with me for not conceiving yet. You could have just asked what our plans were, but instead you framed it in this judgemental way. Explain to me what credentials you have to be the judge of us..."

You have to do this cheerfully. Do NOT react in anger. That's what they want. Keep putting the spotlight on their behavior and make them justify themselves instead of them being in the aggressor's position and you always on the defensive.

Absolutely NEVER think this accidental wording. The strategy of these people is ALWAYS to cover themselves with plausible deniability. "Who me? Little old innocent me?"

They'll sometimes react to the spotlight with feigned victimhood or feigned anger. Great. Point that out. Look at you playing the victim now. Look at you raging now. None of it is going to work on me.

Sometimes decent people will by accident word things wrongly, sure. But that kind of person will profusely apologize for doing so once you have pointed it out. The manipulator instead responds with more manipulation and you have to stay focused in not letting them push your emotional buttons.

[rlogan 2,036]

One important tip:

By far the fastest means of detecting when someone is trying to manipulate your emotions and put you on the defensive is to simply pay close attention to your emotions.

Notice how it made you feel when someone asked you these questions in a manner that put you on the defensive.

You felt that.

The very instant you feel your emotional radar go off: you must immediatly recognize that and put a stop to it. They are counting on you to react emotionally, and once you do they've got you.

[Fandango 1,439]

Listen carefully to the way people ask so that you learn the difference between someone interested in your plans vs. someone trying to manipulate you into being defensive.

If someone asks "Why haven't you conceived yet"? It is a rhetorical question. They are putting you down, not asking a question. It is asked in a manner to make you look bad for not conceiving yet.

If you take the bait and act defensively, you will simply have another follow-up put-down that makes them appear as if your life needs to be justified to them.

Likewise with the wedding. They are asking WHEN you are doing it, as if it was a requirement of you and anyone not doing it must have something wrong with them.

The standard follow-up put-down after you respond that you are not having a big fancy second wedding is to say "You mean you aren't having a wedding ceremony here?!" They're looking around at everyone else in disbelief while saying it, to emphasize to all of them that they are sitting in the judgement seat and you are the guilty party being interrogated by them.

You're right to be upset by this. It is a dirty, mean, manipulative trick being played on you. Very cunning in how subtle it is, but they might just as well be saying "I'm the boss of you, and you are unworthy".

The trick is to never let your emotions be manipulated like this. You have expressed frustration with this thread. That is exactly what they want. They want you to feel bad. Once you understand that, you are a long way home to freeing yourself from their manipulation.

Listen carefully. Slow them down. They are using an ambush strategy, and once your emotions are in gear they have you beat. Repeat the words back to them: "Why have I not conceived yet..." Now you can calmly point out what they are doing: "You are asking that question as if there is something wrong with me for not conceiving yet. You could have just asked what our plans were, but instead you framed it in this judgemental way. Explain to me what credentials you have to be the judge of us..."

You have to do this cheerfully. Do NOT react in anger. That's what they want. Keep putting the spotlight on their behavior and make them justify themselves instead of them being in the aggressor's position and you always on the defensive.

Absolutely NEVER think this accidental wording. The strategy of these people is ALWAYS to cover themselves with plausible deniability. "Who me? Little old innocent me?"

They'll sometimes react to the spotlight with feigned victimhood or feigned anger. Great. Point that out. Look at you playing the victim now. Look at you raging now. None of it is going to work on me.

Sometimes decent people will by accident word things wrongly, sure. But that kind of person will profusely apologize for doing so once you have pointed it out. The manipulator instead responds with more manipulation and you have to stay focused in not letting them push your emotional buttons.

If this happens, it's the exception, and not the rule. I think friends and family (and some did it to me pre baby) are not doing it for some weird power play, to put one down, or to intentionally make one feel bad. That would just be odd.

I don't think they're being deceitful about it (oh, life with children is so miserable, lets get others to join us). I just think once you have kids, your entire life becomes about them, so it's hard not to think about it or wonder when you see other couples.

Let's face it, we all have someone on Facebook that posts 60 updates a day about their children, and the moment you say anything (i.e. aww, cute baby) they ask you when you're planning on having them yourself. I find it so incredibly rude when people publicly ask like that. What if I had been trying to get pregnant for a long time and was really upset about it? What if I had a medical condition where I couldn't have children? What if I actually detested them? It seems like there isn't a "right answer" other than 'soon in the future/not yet', and even then only if you have a good reason, like finances.

One time when there was a newborn involved, and I got the 'when is your turn' question, I had just finished explaining how (at that time) I had only been married for like a month, and wanted to enjoy our quiet time without demands from a screaming baby - I was told after an awkward silence that they only scream when they want something, and that their infant wasn't like that (even though they often complained about the sleepless nights). Again, as if it's a personal offense. If I had gotten a new puppy and asked if you wanted one, and you told me you weren't interested because you didn't want to deal with the barking, fine. If I ask why you don't want to go back to college right now, and you tell me you just don't want the late night studying, fine. I know they're not comparable, and I'm not suggesting that children are like puppies, just that any reason I give should be respected and a personal choice. In fact when I told my dad that we were getting a puppy, he was concerned that we couldn't take care of it because we work long hours, yet when the conversation turns to children, he says "well I expect you will, in your 20's now" etc.

And I do get the impression from a lot of my family/friends that have kids are rooting for me to have them myself, almost trying to convince me. During a conversation where a girl asked if you had to 'pay to give birth in America' I explained the health insurance situation and listed it as one of the reasons we're holding off, as at the time I was uninsured. I was told that I should simply travel back to the UK and deliver my baby there, and then move back - because me and my husband had been 'waiting ages'. I get these kind of comments all the time from old friends with children. Funnily enough, none of my other accomplishments (being the only one to graduate from university, moving countries, getting a good job, getting a driving license, things that none of them managed to do because they instantly had children) are never praised or mentioned. I was even told by one of them that having a baby was the best thing you could do, and hope for.

As it turns out, I do want children, and we do often talk about whether to start trying in the next year or to hold off - but the barrage of questions is just irritating. Like Lisa said, it shouldn't be pushed on anyone.

I agree with the bolded part, and think that's more often the case than what rlogan muses.

As to the rest of your post - it sucks that some have such baby-tunnel vision!

[SuperDuper! 230]

We waited til we were ready, I wouldn't have traded in my/our time beforehand for anything. For us, we do feel that perhaps we 'partied a bit too long' in that we are now in our 30s with a baby. We probs would have liked to be here maybe a few years ago. But, that's the way it worked out for us, and I'm a firm believer in fate, and if we had children earlier - let's say 5 years ago, it would have been with other people

Neither one of us feel bad about not having time to ourselves, or not going out clubbing every weekend. Been there, done that, so staying home watching a movie with the baby on a Sat night is just perfect for us.

Parenthood is certainly not for everyone, and certainly not something to be pushed on anyone.

Thanks for the the newsflash.

Edited February 20, 2011 by Boing!

[SunDrop 59]

It seems like there isn't a "right answer" other than 'soon in the future/not yet', and even then only if you have a good reason, like finances.

"It would mean having sex. That's just revolting! *barf noises*"

[Fandango 1,439]

Thanks for the the newsflash.

rich, considering your post here. lol

[Fandango 1,439]

rich, considering your post here. lol

Ooops, must remember don't post and watch a movie at the same time

[Ken y Leidys 20]

Listen carefully to the way people ask so that you learn the difference between someone interested in your plans vs. someone trying to manipulate you into being defensive.

Sometimes decent people will by accident word things wrongly, sure. But that kind of person will profusely apologize for doing so once you have pointed it out. The manipulator instead responds with more manipulation and you have to stay focused in not letting them push your emotional buttons.

Thank you for your assessment, RLogan. I have a very good friend who has been married to his wife almost 10 years, and I asked them this same question, but out of honest curiosity and my friend knew I wasn't trying to put him on the spot with guilt. They simply have not been able to conceive. I told him I was sorry and that I hope they one day conceive.

I have answered this question honestly to people we have met from traditional Catholic countries, and after giving my standard response, they came back with, "...BUT WHY??"

I hate going into how money is scarce, etc. But, some things will simply have to wait.

[Nica_In_Love 98]

I think it's pretty natural to get asked these questions, however I feel bad for the couples that get the same question asked everyday! I guess we're lucky, we get the question asked a few times in the past 6 months, but that's about it. My parents want me to get ahead in life before we start having kids, and his parents have made comments about how much they would like having grandkids but they just leave it at that, they know it's our decision.

[chyiochan 1]

I have to admit, I have gone through spurts of wanting a kid, but I talked with my husband, and I really understood we were not ready. We haven't built a nest for ourselves, I just got to the USA! He feels he doesn't make enough money, and in turn doesn't think he can provide for myself and our kids when we have them. Him and I want me to be a stay at home mother.

I don't want a kid yet, but I've already gotten pressure from my Mother-In-Law. Talking about her 'grandkids' that will be here next year, or that since my husband is the oldest of his siblings, he is the one who has to make the first 'family'. Whenever they say to me 'You should start trying! I know you guys will be just fine!' I just say "hmm maybe in a year or two I'll start"!

They try to make me feel bad because they say they're getting old. How is that my problem! I don't think she knows how much it sucks to be told that she wants grandkids every time I see her. My husband and I always tell her we want to wait.

It's the same with with school. I never got an education higher than High School, but my mother in law and her sister (my aunt) say I should go to school now so I have it under my belt!

I'm not going to be working when I have my kids! And it's not like I can get a part time career! Once I have my first kid, my second one will be coming by 3-4 years later, and the cycle starts again! If I want to go to school, I'll do it after the kids are in High School and can take care of them selves more. Doing it beforehand, I would forget everything I learned, and I'm sure it wouldn't mean much since I would have had no job experience in the 16-20 years I was parenting.

SO! Ladies and Gentlemen, DO NOT let people push you. Be financially ready, build your nest. It's your life and family! If they ask you 'Why haven't you conceived yet', Just say you're BOTH not ready yet.

I'm only 22. I'm just still a young woman! Haha!

[JSVP08 3]

Thank you for your assessment, RLogan. I have a very good friend who has been married to his wife almost 10 years, and I asked them this same question, but out of honest curiosity and my friend knew I wasn't trying to put him on the spot with guilt. They simply have not been able to conceive. I told him I was sorry and that I hope they one day conceive.

I have answered this question honestly to people we have met from traditional Catholic countries, and after giving my standard response, they came back with, "...BUT WHY??"

I hate going into how money is scarce, etc. But, some things will simply have to wait.

or maybe never.

love this topic... go through the same.... being married doesnt always mean to have child/ren.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

Not even having a kid will shut some people up. "So when are you having a second? I bet your kid can't wait to be a big sister!". Tell them that we're done and closed up shop and you get "OMG that is so mean to your daughter!". STFU douchecanoe, can't afford more kids and sure as hell don't want any more for any reason.

People just always have to be in your business and many believe they know how to run your life better than you. If you don't want kids, why should anyone care? Not like the world has a serious underpopulation problem and immediately requires your spawn.