Immidiate advice needed! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!!!!!!

[Sam and Fen 41]

Your situation is not unique and is fairly common.

When my wife first came here she was miserable and made me miserable.

Initially I could not leave her alone at home so I used to bring her to our store everyday and taught her basics about the business.

She was used to working in China and was independent and here she was in the US with limited English skills and completely dependent on me.

Eventually we got the EAD/AOS and she started working, she also figured out where thing were (specially the mall ) and just walked every where.

She recently confided in me that in the first few months if she could have gotten her job in China back she would have gone back.

There is a lot of good advice here but only you can help yourself.

[KolinaB 0]

Perhaps you can volunteer at a local place where you can interact, network and meet new friends? Discover your local neighborhood and learn how to get around by transportation? Get out more...studies claim that getting at least 15 mins of fresh air everyday is healthy

Ok.. Thanx for advice. I can't get around with transportation because there's nothing going on here except school buses. If I wanted to go anywhere I would probably have to call for cab, which at this point, is just way too expensive. I did some research on that when I first arrived here. But, as for volunteering, you are right, I could do that. I will definitely search for some volunteering possibilities in my area. It's too cold to go for a walk, I live in Missouri, so temperatures these days are quite low. But, thanx for that volunteering tip, will certainly try to work something out. Thank you.

[KolinaB 0]

can you possibly learn to take public transportation to maybe sight see. I know there is probably a chance your husband can by you a monthly bus pass and you can learn to take the bus to entertain yourself. What about other members on VJ that maybe have settled in your state that are from your same country. I am sorry you are lonely good luck!!!!

No public transportation available.. I live in Saint Louis, Missouri. From what I've seen in the past 4.5 months- there's really nothing to sight see in this city. I'm discussed with it. I'm stuck because I have no will to work on anything at this moment. And I hate myself about it. But there's still hope that everything will get better soon, that is one thing that keeps me alive.

Thanks for the support.

Sorry to read what you are going thru..

Find something to volunteer for something close to home so you don't have to drive. That't a nice way to meet people and make friends. For example (Hosptial, nursing homes, animal shelter..so many to chose from)

Go for walks if you live in a warm area.

All the best

I will definitely try volunteering, thanx.

What you are going through right now is only temporary. Very soon you will be able to work, make some money, get a car, and be free to explore your new home country. It's like being inside an airplane for 16 hours: it really sucks. Soon this will all change for the better.

Thank you Bob.. I know it's temporary, but so frustrating that sometimes it feels like it's never going to end. And that's depressing.

Edited December 16, 2010 by KolinaB

[KolinaB 0]

What about putting out a flyer in your area and do some babysitting or maybe watching some neighbours kids after their schools if the parents dont get home right away?

Or you could put a flyer and do some dog walking service for people in your area too.

if you have a church close by you could join a church group maybe? sometimes they also have social events for people in the area too.

Um.. I really don't know about babysitting. Kids probably wouldn't have very nice time with me because I'm pretty strict (I'm a teacher). And I really can't work until my EAD arrives, not even babysitting, I just don't dare. One of my friends in Pennsylvania brought her husband here from overseas. He couldn't stay at home waiting for his EAD so he went to a local cafe to work there at night and earn some money. Police caught him and took straight to the airport and deported him, they didn't even let him pack the bag. I'm really afraid that if I do anything like that (walking dogs, babysitting etc.) for money, someone might just report me and so I'd become the subject for deportation. I really don't want that to happen.

I do not want to live/ build my life in the United States but I also don't want to be forcefully thrown out of the country.

I guess I will just have to be patient.

[KolinaB 0]

I feel for you. You are not alone Kolina. There's people here in vj who can assure you that. Hang on tight and this will sure pass.

By the way, can you let us know where are you from? As Patient2010 mentioned, maybe there are vjers who are from your country to interact with.

You can also check friendster or facebook and find people in your area who came from your home country. This is silly but I did this after my son was born. I was so depressed that I cry constantly. I googled... "Filipinas in Denton, TX". haha.. I found one.. and she's just two blocks away from me. I was so happy and we're good friends to this day.

Hoping for your best..

I live in Saint Louis, Missouri. Originally I am from Bosnia. There are approximately 60,000 of Bosnian people in this city. I just hesitate to go out there and get to know someone. I don't know what has happened to me since I've gotten here. I have never been like this. I just kind of want my old friends back. I don't know..

[KolinaB 0]

How long have you been taking the anti-depressants? If you're still feeling this bad after 3-4 weeks (with most kinds) then you need to see the prescribing physician again because you might need to switch type and/or dose.

I realise you want to remain anonymous, but just a closest town/ city and state could help someone reach out to you.

What are the state regulations about driving on your license and does hubby actively use his car at work (to get to different meetings, for example). We usually only have one vehicle and Ry doesn't really need it while he's at work, so I drop him off and pick him up. This allows me the use of the car during the day and OMG, it's awesome!

I completely understand not wanting to hang out 24/7 with his folks but do they drive? Maybe finding a class that's on once a week and asking them if they would mind taking you and bringing you home. A simple "I'm really interested in getting to know people and becoming part of the community but need your help" is the only explanation you need.

Does he have friends with girlfriends/ wives of their own? I got very frustrated once when I kept suggesting we invite so and so over "for dinner or something" and Ry wasn't interested, because "we don't really hang out like that." I ended up hinting to him that he might not hang out with his buddies "like that" but I really needed to meet people and inviting his friends over with their significant others allowed me to get to know the women, if anything.

Don't give up yet. It honestly takes a couple of years to start feeling like you belong and are starting to settle. It's worth talking to your hubby about what's going to happen once you can start work. Will he give up one of the jobs, how will you get to work. Having a plan gives you something to look forward to and keep focusing on.

((Hugs)) and keep on trucking

I don't take anti-depressants on a regular basis, only when I feel extreme solitude and anxiety, which is like one pill in a week to ten days. I'm in Saint Louis, Missouri.

As for driving, I have an international driver's license which is valid for 2 yrs. I am able to drive. I drive on rare occasions when I get a chance to go out somewhere with my husband. So far, we only had one car. But in the past couple of days things kind of changed. We had some snow here in Saint Louis, and our car needs new tires. My husband had to borrow one of his dad's cars. His dad bought new tires for our car but wasn't able to change them so far. I hope that it will get done in the next couple of days. And then I will be able to drive around by myself.

My husband is planning to buy another car sometime after Christmas anyway. I guess I just don't have enough patience anymore.

As for his friends, so far I met only one. Seems like my husband turned his back on all of his friends, but it's only because he really doesn't have any time to socialize. He works for PepsiCo and doesn't have regular shifts so he's not able to make any plans. He was supposed to be off yesterday (at least first half of the day- the second half he had to spend at his part time job) and we were supposed to get out and get some Christmas decorations and stuff. But, but, but.. I was almost ready to get out of the house when his boss from PepsiCo called and said he needed some help in one of the stores. My God, I got so upset. Uhhh...

We have plans for the future.. The only thing is I can't wait for that future to come.

Thank you for the support.

[KolinaB 0]

Ladydare and Mofoccogirlny gave some really good advice, The best thing you can do to get through this temporary situation is to volunteer. From reading your post it is obvious that you are a fluent speaker so there should be no language barrier. Volunteering is not only good for the people that you will be helping, but it will give you a sense of purpose, of belonging and of accomplishment. There are always organizations that need volunteers but moreso during the Holidays. Start with a local church. it does not matter what your or their religion is, whether it is the same or different, It is about helping others. Churches not only have volunteering possibilities but social groups too. Ask your local churches, schools public library, hospital etc....and even private organizations like the Girl Scouts or even a food bank, or shelter for abused women or the homeless. Without knowing where you are it is almost impossible to be more specific, but if you call one of these suggestions, they can help you to find other possibilities. Hang in there!

I hope I am the fluent speaker because I'm English language teacher. I will try with volunteering, besides it will be good for me to get out of the house it can also provide some recommendations once I start looking for a real job.

Thank you.

You've gotten a lot of good suggestions and I really don't have any to add-just wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone in this. MANY people go through this kind of thing, when it seems like you're waiting for everything and can't do anything.

Hang in there. It will get better, I promise.

Thank you..

[KolinaB 0]

I COMPLETELY understand what your going through.

I didn't drive before I came here, so i was isolated by the fact that we had one car and I couldn't drive even if I wanted to! My husbands job often meant that he would work 60-70 hours and his job took him out of town for days on end too. I felt like I was going crazy, was constantly taking it out him and he felt like he was having to take care of someone helpless - helpless is something I had never considered myself as before. I felt overwhelmed by everything and my mental state and his long hours made us fight so much. We didn't have friends who lived close and social outings were rare due to hubby's hours.

Then the EAD arrived! Just being able to look for work opened possibilities and improved my mental state. I bought a pushbike and rode the 2 miles to the minimum wage job I had been able to find (riding a pushbike is not fun in Florida heat.....but to get out of the house I would have done ANYTHING!) I found another job, saved for a car, learnt to drive, got promoted and now earn a great wage and work my butt off for 50 hours a week!

I'd stay stick with it. Consider some of the above suggestions. Look at the man you love and the reason you came here. Remember that things will get better if your determined enough to get through this period of isolation. Remember it is OKAY for you to feel overwhelmed, and give yourself a break for feeling the way you feel....but not to much of a break that you dont look and consider all options available to you.

Good luck, and if you ever need to vent......hundreds of people here know what you are going through.

Hello..

I see you were really lucky with your AOS, it all happened so fast for you. Congratulations. I just hope that I will get at least my EAD soon.

Helpless is the way I feel now. I'm 28 years old. Back in my country I have been working since I was 20. I travelled. I socialized. I had a whole life. Now I have to start from the beginning.

The worst thing is that I don't feel like I belong here in any way. I was in US before (I was an Aupair for 8 months back in 2006) and I had the same feeling, I just couldn't wait to go back home. I really love my husband with all of my heart and just want to help him. He's working his but off and I'm just sitting around the house. He would do anything to put a smile on my face and to see me happy, but there's really nothing much he can do.

I need to feel alive again, I need to help with bills, I need some kind of obligation, something to keep my mind busy. I will try to volunteer at least. I just can't stand being in this house alone anymore.

Thank you for your understanding and support. Hopefully, in the next week or two, I will find something that will put at least a little peace on my mind.

[Golden Gate 530]

I hope I am the fluent speaker because I'm English language teacher. I will try with volunteering, besides it will be good for me to get out of the house it can also provide some recommendations once I start looking for a real job.

Thank you.

Thank you..

You could volunteer to teach ESL to other immigrants - through adult ed in the school system. You could also volunteer at the hospital, or possibly act as a translator for patients from Bosnia. These are good ways to become familiar with

what is happening in your city and then when you have an EAD, it will be easier for you to find a job. I couldn't believe there wasn't public transportation in a city the size of St. Louis, so I looked it up: http://www.metrostlouis.org/

You could find out about volunteering at a library, or go to the Chamber of Commerce and ask about volunteer opportunities in St. Louis. Or you could just take a fun class through the community college. It is usually pretty inexpensive and

a fun way to occupy your mind. Good Luck! I know it is hard to be somewhere far from your friends and family. Even I felt this when I moved to a new state. It took me a while to adapt and

I got depressed. But, I just tried to find things that I liked to do and eventually I found myself occupied.

Edited December 16, 2010 by Golden Gate

[KolinaB 0]

Hmm...your post sounds very similar to one I posted a day ago. But I can relate. Take all the advice you can get. This will all be over in a bit.

Do you feel any better now?

[KolinaB 0]

Hi KolinaB

If you would at least tell us what city you're in, we could make some sugestions..

My fiancee/now wife, arrived in the US on Dec 3rd.. That was a thursday, she waisted no time in finding ways to occupy her time.. By monday afternoon, she was enrolled in the Adult Education Program, Gymnasium, and Making the home hers... I live in Del Rio, Texas. Population is 37000.. It's a small town and 150 mile from the closest big city.. She immediately began driving using her Colombian Drivers License and is a real go-get'r... She's been in her class at the Adult ed ctr for less than 2 weeks and is already leading the class in a christmas production..

Not everyone has that kind of social ability, but the point is find something that you are passionate about doing and make it yours.. dive in to one or two things and remember your situation is temperary..

Fincancial issues affect everyone one today.. those that say diferently are not being honest, everyone has to watch extra expenses. But, some added expenses are simply necessary. I beleive your husband will understand your needs. He should be more than willing to help you find something to get into..

I hope you can be creative and look for ways to fill your time.. It would be really sad to see you return home over this after all the effort you both made to get this far.. Don't let this short-term thing ruin all you've done. There are solutions if you and your husband are able to work together to find them..

Kenny

Well, I already answered some of the questions you asked (above). I live in Saint Louis, Missouri and I hate it. It's a dead city.

I admire your wife's social ability however not many people in this world are like that. I'm not like that. I really need a lot of time to get used to someone or just to relax in front of someone whom I know for a short period of time.

As I already said, I will try with volunteering. At least I hope I will. I will have my car soon and will be able to get out of the house and drive around by myself.

It's just that I've felt miserable since I've gotten here. It is very hard to pack up your whole life in a suitcase, leave your family, friends, job and everything else and go to live in another country with absolutely different way of life, interacting, way of communication, way of getting things done, well basically everything. I never wanted to live in United States. I did this just for my husband. I hope that one day I will take him somewhere else. Please don't be offended, I believe you're an American, but I simply don't see myself here in this country, I just don't like it here. That fact makes everything a little bit harder for me because I don't even want to get into the community.

Yet, I feel pressure and I have to do something about my misery. It feels like someone is pulling my left arm in one direction and someone else pulling my right arm in the opposite direction. Confused, isolated, prisoner, hopeless, miserable.

[KolinaB 0]

first of all if you love your husband, erase thoughts of going home. then since you have access to a pc, lookup the bus services for your state/count and take a trip to your tourism center, look up maps going to your local library, church etc and see what activities they have, -most are free. there's a lot that will get you out of the house and out of depression. look up maps to your park etc. if the weather is nice and your neighborhood looks safe, take talks. they will refresh/relax you. look up associations of your country and see if there's any member living nearby.

take up a hobby to take your mind off loneliness.

Thank you for trying to help me.. Nothing worked so far. I love reading and painting but I can't concentrate. It makes even more frustrated.

No bus services in my area, except for school bus. But I hope we'll buy another car soon. And I hope I'll get better...

[KolinaB 0]

Your situation is not unique and is fairly common.

When my wife first came here she was miserable and made me miserable.

Initially I could not leave her alone at home so I used to bring her to our store everyday and taught her basics about the business.

She was used to working in China and was independent and here she was in the US with limited English skills and completely dependent on me.

Eventually we got the EAD/AOS and she started working, she also figured out where thing were (specially the mall ) and just walked every where.

She recently confided in me that in the first few months if she could have gotten her job in China back she would have gone back.

There is a lot of good advice here but only you can help yourself.

That is exactly the way I feel. I even wanted to call my old boss in my country to see if I could get my job back, that's how miserable I was and I am.

The worst thing is having to be dependent on someone after you had your own job for years. I just hate it, hate it! Can't wait to start working.

Thank you for understanding.

[Sam and Fen 41]

You mentioned in one of your post's that you will use your IDP to drive around.

Please check with your local DMV, even though US is a signatory of the IDP which has a validity of 2 years it can only be used for 6 months in the US.

This is what a cop told me when I first came to the US and was using an IDP, This was 20 years ago.

Better to be safe then sorry.

Edited December 17, 2010 by Sam and Fen

[Filipina35 0]

Do you feel any better now?

Much better, thank you. the responses were very positive, inspiring and gave me some ideas I plan to use. Good luck.