I made a mistake

[brainiac 0]

I married my wife in Colombia and we came back to the US on a CR-1 visa. We have been married 1yr and 6months. Things are starting to go wrong. I saw the signs while I was dating, but ignored them. She hits me and I don't dare to hit back. She is having a very very difficult time adjusting here. I thought we were in synch with money, beliefs, etc... but now I know this is a lost cause. My only defense has been to tape the incidents, with her knowledge. She hits me and then says to the tape, "why did you just hit me" etc.. I want to call the police and file against her. She is completely falling apart. She is making things up about how I just paid to get her here for sex etc. and will use that against me when we get divorced. I am threatening now to go to the police...but, I have been married before and know that it is best to wait and ask for advice. What will happen here? What should I do? Should I file charges against her? What about getting a divorce which she has said she would do when/if I call the police. What can someone advise me to do? Note: Going to a marriage counselor is absolutely not going to work. I just want to be out of this; I made another mistake and now I am paying for it; please any constructive advice. thank you

[RichiJenny 14]

speaking from experience, if theres any marks cuts and bruises on you document them and the events.take photos of your injuries, without letting on that youre doing that. start building a case for domestic violence. it works both ways. you seem to have morals and you are being played. a mistake is a mistake. you entered into this in good faith, you shouldnt be punished for that. tell a close friend or colleague whats happening, so that you have a witness too. once youve got some evidence together for your own sake, go see a divorce lawyer and take some legal advice. i can tell you it doesnt get any better if you dont take action.

good luck my friend.

[Colombian Gringo 1]

I married my wife in Colombia and we came back to the US on a CR-1 visa. We have been married 1yr and 6months. Things are starting to go wrong. I saw the signs while I was dating, but ignored them. She hits me and I don't dare to hit back. She is having a very very difficult time adjusting here. I thought we were in synch with money, beliefs, etc... but now I know this is a lost cause. My only defense has been to tape the incidents, with her knowledge. She hits me and then says to the tape, "why did you just hit me" etc.. I want to call the police and file against her. She is completely falling apart. She is making things up about how I just paid to get her here for sex etc. and will use that against me when we get divorced. I am threatening now to go to the police...but, I have been married before and know that it is best to wait and ask for advice. What will happen here? What should I do? Should I file charges against her? What about getting a divorce which she has said she would do when/if I call the police. What can someone advise me to do? Note: Going to a marriage counselor is absolutely not going to work. I just want to be out of this; I made another mistake and now I am paying for it; please any constructive advice. thank you

Brian,

Sorry to see you are going through this...I have been married to my wife for 5 years now and we have been very happy. In the beginning, she had some rough times but she was able to work through them. Today is the total opposite (For the positive) in comparrison to the past.

How much have you tried to talk with her? Did you try to get her family involved? Do you think she may be rebelling since she away from home and misses her family much? Last option may be she is attempting to gain benefits after the fact now that she is in the U.S.

Not knowing your history, I would not back her into a corner or force her hand as suggested above. Yes secretly document everything to protect yourself, but at least attempt to see what is going on with her. I have seen this with others wives from other countries, and a select few from Colombia. Keep up posted, best to you and your wife ok.

[lilyofthevalley 0]

Hello,

I am new to Visa Journey and I am sorry for what you are facing and dealing with. May I suggest that you find the nearest Domestic Abuse center and have them take your statement as well as your recordings , any pictures and any other evidence that you may have. This should go into evidence for you as they should file her name in their system as an abuser. This way you have one of the best support groups working with you and for you.

Brian,

Sorry to see you are going through this...I have been married to my wife for 5 years now and we have been very happy. In the beginning, she had some rough times but she was able to work through them. Today is the total opposite (For the positive) in comparrison to the past.

How much have you tried to talk with her? Did you try to get her family involved? Do you think she may be rebelling since she away from home and misses her family much? Last option may be she is attempting to gain benefits after the fact now that she is in the U.S.

Not knowing your history, I would not back her into a corner or force her hand as suggested above. Yes secretly document everything to protect yourself, but at least attempt to see what is going on with her. I have seen this with others wives from other countries, and a select few from Colombia. Keep up posted, best to you and your wife ok.

Edited October 27, 2010 by lilyofthevalley

[Neal851 3]

speaking from experience, if theres any marks cuts and bruises on you document them and the events.take photos of your injuries, without letting on that youre doing that. start building a case for domestic violence. it works both ways. you seem to have morals and you are being played. a mistake is a mistake. you entered into this in good faith, you shouldnt be punished for that. tell a close friend or colleague whats happening, so that you have a witness too. once youve got some evidence together for your own sake, go see a divorce lawyer and take some legal advice. i can tell you it doesnt get any better if you dont take action.

good luck my friend.

[brainiac 0]

I have tape recorded all of her outrages with her knowledge--it is my only defense. I know NOT to hit back.

Attacks are frequent and violent:

- she says that she misses her colombian food

- she misses her friends

- misses her family

- constantly reminds me that I promised I would take care of her

On this last point, she wants to work and pay for her own bills which is/was admirable doing what she was doing in Colombia--teaching English. But, I am really having my doubts as to whether she is going to make it as an ESL teacher here. I just don't see her immersing herself in this culture. I have paid for her teching license fee, and am sending her to some high-brow continuing education classes but I just can't see anyone hiring her--the questions she asks me are frankly, silly and should be second nature for someone applying for an ESL teaching license.

All this, and she tells me when I suggest she just go home, she sayd NO; and commences to beating the hell out of me.

I appreciate all of the comments. Are there any members with knowledge of US immigration/domestic viloence law that could add their two cents?

[RichiJenny 14]

firstly in answer to what someone else advised you: you have good morals, and know not to hit a female. there is no excuse for domestic violence. period. so bowing down to her concerns about why she is attacking you is very poor 'advice'. if she has a problem she should sit with you or approach you with her fears. not beat you!!!

columbiangringo mentioned not backing her into a corner of forcing her hand?? i totally disagree. youre the victime. its tough but stand up for yourelf if you can.. walk away from the beatings. itll be her loss. hell, i miss people, i dont attack my wife cos if it!!

have a look at immigrate2us.net, you may get some good advice there too. but you really need to take action now. ask her - if she misses her friends and family you'll pay for her one way ticket. its harsh but its hard to make a stand i know. and remember you are not the aggressor, your wife is, and if she continues the way shes going, she is losing out.

[RichiJenny 14]

I have tape recorded all of her outrages with her knowledge--it is my only defense. I know NOT to hit back.

Attacks are frequent and violent:

- she says that she misses her colombian food

she can always make some if she misses it that much...take outs, supermarkets...

- she misses her friends

thats what phones and cmputers are for.

- misses her family

you are her family now too. she has access to phones i assume?

- constantly reminds me that I promised I would take care of her

marriage is a partnership, a two way street with give and take on both sides. if shes saying that it sounds like she doesnt want to work at all.

- On this last point, she wants to work and pay for her own bills which is/was admirable doing what she was doing in Colombia--teaching English. But, I am really having my doubts as to whether she is going to make it as an ESL teacher here.

she will have a lot more problems if she gets a criminal record for domestic abuse, too

[brainiac 0]

Update on this mess. I called the cops this morning and played the tape after they arrived. She was trying to argue emotional abuse but admitted she had hit me. So, in the cops eyes it was a done deal and I thought I had the power to give thumbs up or thumbs down. Actually it wasn't, the power is with them; for if they feel like they need to take someone to jail even when the victim is having second thoughts, they will. In this case they gave her a break. I am not sure if I am happy about this or not. But she is warned that if she touches me again, he said that this is his beat, he knows the story now and will not hesitate to come by and arrest someone. Also, it is a violation of her CR-1 visa that if she is arrested, she will be deported.

I knew she would lie. But I just couldn't see the woman I had spent so much time, money and energy on sitting in a jail cell for 48 hours. Of course after they left she turned back into her normal psychotic self. They left a pink form that they use for domestic abuse cases and it states that I can make a citizens arrest if I need to by going down to the court house and filing something. I guess I will keep that in mind. I have very little hope that this situation is going to change. Thanks to all for letting me share. If you want to know more, contact me via the private message function. I need to get a beer and watch the world series. If any one is reading this and thinking to themselves why the hell doesn't he just get divorced from this psycho, good question. But, I do not want to be sued for alimony and I am hoping against hope for another good month or so before she turns into a monster. And this time, she is gone and back to Colombia for 10 years!

[TBoneTX 45,498]

Hang in there, si man. The pollos will come home to roost.

Edited October 28, 2010 by TBoneTX

[RichiJenny 14]

you did the right thing and are on the right path. now it appears shes on a final warning. if she attacks you once more....you know what to do and you seem like youve given her every opportunity and shes ruining it. good luck and be safe.

[brainiac 0]

Can someone give me their opinion/first hand knowledge of whether i can just ride this out until the CR-1 visa expires? I'd like to divorce her now, and I would win, but I don't want to have to spend any more money on this mistake I made.

thanks for any and all replies.

[RichiJenny 14]

Im sorry my friend I cant give you any further info - perhaps contact the USCIS and inform them of the ongoing situation.

But, post a question to laurel scott on immigrate2us.net

She has the free advice service every Wednesday.

Good luck

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

Just a thought . . . is it possible that she hits you hoping for you to hit her back so that she can claim VAWA and get her unconditional Green Card this way?

In any case, if you have given up on salvaging this marriage, you should look forward to ending it as soon as possible. Rather have an end with pain than endless pain. The impact that will have, or not have, on her immigration should really be of secondary concern.

[mari0711 4]

I married my wife in Colombia and we came back to the US on a CR-1 visa. We have been married 1yr and 6months. Things are starting to go wrong. I saw the signs while I was dating, but ignored them. She hits me and I don't dare to hit back. She is having a very very difficult time adjusting here. I thought we were in synch with money, beliefs, etc... but now I know this is a lost cause. My only defense has been to tape the incidents, with her knowledge. She hits me and then says to the tape, "why did you just hit me" etc.. I want to call the police and file against her. She is completely falling apart. She is making things up about how I just paid to get her here for sex etc. and will use that against me when we get divorced. I am threatening now to go to the police...but, I have been married before and know that it is best to wait and ask for advice. What will happen here? What should I do? Should I file charges against her? What about getting a divorce which she has said she would do when/if I call the police. What can someone advise me to do? Note: Going to a marriage counselor is absolutely not going to work. I just want to be out of this; I made another mistake and now I am paying for it; please any constructive advice. thank you

OMG!! I am sorry and even more she is from my country, not all people are like that, and as someone insinuated above not all women dare to hit our husbands in Colombia, it depends on how you have been raised, I feel bad cus you seem honest and good, but you should divorce from her as soon as it is possible, probably she is looking staying there or I dont know, it is good the police know your situation, and she should be deported. as mean as it sound I think that a couple should respect to each other and bad words, offenses and let alone hitting is not precisely respect or love.

wish you the best and hope you get out of that awful situation.

maria and Rich