Because You Had a Bad Day...

[Fandango 1,440]

Lisa....as much as I HATE going to the gym...the second I walk out of there I feel sooo much better. That is actually really good advice. Even just walking outside is good!! If you live in an unsafe area - get a work out DVD or tape - you can get them off ebay for cheap cheap cheap

Yep, the benefits are endless! Tho I used to do too much....3 hours per day every day no excuses. However, that is what kept me from breaking my back in my accident...my doc said i was in such good shape that had I not been, the damage would have been much worse than it was.

[sbgwolf1 0]

Yeah, I probably DO need to see someone. But most of the problems would go away if I had my fiancé.

But that's the problem....you can't just make your fiancee the band aid that cures everything. Yes, this is tough and excrutiating stuff (the wait) and frought with lonliness, angst, etc....but you must learn to deal with life's schit on your own. It will make you a stronger person in the end.

Your fiancee can't help your work situation, or the family situation. Yes, his abscence is magnifying everything, but at the end of the day, only you can help yourself. I know it sounds trite, but there you go...my $17.99

Following up it my .02. there may be some validity to this, but also we can remember the other side of the coin. IF she has her fiancee..not that he is a bandaid per se, but she can have her stress break. She can have her place of peace, serenity. The escape from the problems to recharge each day. Granted he may not make the work stress go away, but by her being able to relax and have some happiness then often you realize that you let the little things seem much bigger and get to you when they shouldn't...

We all need to find our 'happy place' oddly enough, mine is also with my baby who is 8000 miles away

l

[Fandango 1,440]

Yeah, I probably DO need to see someone. But most of the problems would go away if I had my fiancé.

But that's the problem....you can't just make your fiancee the band aid that cures everything. Yes, this is tough and excrutiating stuff (the wait) and frought with lonliness, angst, etc....but you must learn to deal with life's schit on your own. It will make you a stronger person in the end.

Your fiancee can't help your work situation, or the family situation. Yes, his abscence is magnifying everything, but at the end of the day, only you can help yourself. I know it sounds trite, but there you go...my $17.99

Following up it my .02. there may be some validity to this, but also we can remember the other side of the coin. IF she has her fiancee..not that he is a bandaid per se, but she can have her stress break. She can have her place of peace, serenity. The escape from the problems to recharge each day. Granted he may not make the work stress go away, but by her being able to relax and have some happiness then often you realize that you let the little things seem much bigger and get to you when they shouldn't...

We all need to find our 'happy place' oddly enough, mine is also with my baby who is 8000 miles away

l

I hear what you're saying and I agree with you to some extent...but at the same time, I'm just looking from the other angle. 'oh he can fix most of my problems' is a lot of pressure and expectations to place on someone. We all know how this path we've all chosen is frought with unique stressors that 'normal' couples don't face....aos, ead, blah de blah.....with a mentality of 'most of my problems would go away' can teeter on having some unrealistic expectations and that can wind up to be disappointment in the end.

I have a friend who's going thru a really tough time. She went to the UK on hols and came back saying 'I'm going to move to england' (lol, I know..if it were only that easy) I said 'why?' she said 'oh I was happy there was no work #######, blah de blah' I'm like 'erm, cos it was a holiday...moving to england is not going to solve your problems...you'll only get new ones there'

Not the same scenario, but I'm hoping it pulls across my meaning....

[sbgwolf1 0]

Lisa, I understand your point, as you do mine. I guess what I am saying is 'what is the root of the problem'. In my case I am easily frustrated now, whether it is work, home, or this process. For me to say all of it will be fine if I was with my baby is not placing unrealistic expections on her. She feels the same as I do...its not a miracle cure. BUT, my biggest stress right now is this process and the fact I feel helpless when she needs me. (like when she dont feel good or when she is so lonely missing me she is crying). I feel we should be together. If this stress was relieved, the other issues would not be real issues. My patience would return. I guess what I am saying it the most important part of my life is her...and if that is in stress (aka this process, we are perfect and so in love the being apart hurts) was relieved, then I would be more rational with everything else. I dont know that this is exactly what mandy is saying, but it is my case.

I am sure you and everyone here feels somewhat like that

[CarolineM 0]

But she is saying it's SO bad that she feels it could be diagnosable depression. The WORST thing you can do to someone is make them your "cure" esp. if ti's THAT serious. Ryan cannot cure her depression IF THATS WHAT IT IS. It's chemical...not something he can fix...and putting that pressure on him will make him feel helpless when he CANT make it better.

Yeah of course we all want to be with our loved ones, but it's not the be-all, end-all cure to something this serious. (As the OP has stated it is - this is NOT a daignosis of ANY sort.)

[sbgwolf1 0]

Thats what I mean by the 'root of the problem'. In her case, it may very well be true depression. It may need diagnosed and treated. It just mean it also may be stress and loneliness from this carrying over into the other parts of her life. I do not know, I am not a Dr. I wish her the well and maybe a professional would be best. Of course if possible a day away from all the immigration drama and work drama would do her good regardless....maybe just watch some cartoons/Tom and Jerry for a bit....(JK). I wish the best for everyone. I know we all need breaks from this stress and without it, this can build up. I am not a fan of drugs or alcohol as the answer (although there was someone here was offering a tequila party and rum party...I cant help but smile at the thought of it). Maybe a movie with some friends or night playing cards or at a comedy show. It may rejuvinate temporarily. Ultimately it will depend on WHAT is causing these emotions.

[Fandango 1,440]

Lisa, I understand your point, as you do mine. I guess what I am saying is 'what is the root of the problem'. In my case I am easily frustrated now, whether it is work, home, or this process. For me to say all of it will be fine if I was with my baby is not placing unrealistic expections on her. She feels the same as I do...its not a miracle cure. BUT, my biggest stress right now is this process and the fact I feel helpless when she needs me. (like when she dont feel good or when she is so lonely missing me she is crying). I feel we should be together. If this stress was relieved, the other issues would not be real issues. My patience would return. I guess what I am saying it the most important part of my life is her...and if that is in stress (aka this process, we are perfect and so in love the being apart hurts) was relieved, then I would be more rational with everything else. I dont know that this is exactly what mandy is saying, but it is my case.

I am sure you and everyone here feels somewhat like that

I do feel like that to some extent...I feel like my longing and my lonliness will be resolved when he gets here...but my problems won't be solved. Then there's going to be the stess of him not working, dealing with his feelings of helplessness of not being able to work, dealing with his possible homesick feelings, of feeling like a fish outta water, the stress that comes with all of this, all the expense involved, him not being able to go home in case there's an emergency (of course there's AP but you know what I mean), etc, etc etc....there is always going to be horrible stress in life, it's just the way you put it in perspective.

As you can see, some of what Mandi's stress is her always working, bills needing paying, no time for anything, tired, etc...those things will not change just with her SO's arrival. In fact, some could argue that they could get worse.....and on the flip side, if it's clinical depression (as Karo explained) the arrival of her boo is not going to magically fix that either....that's what I'm getting at.

There are steps Mandi can take to ease her tension now...as I said, exercise would help with the energy level and the positive mindset. She could feel more energetic and happier, which would help her a lot! Maybe some meditation or self hypnosis too... I also have found prayer to help loads...especially the Serenity Prayer.....And if that doesn't really help, she can seek out the help of a therapist. She doesn't have to wait for 'when he comes I'll feel better' cos what's going to help her until then?

Mandi, I sincerely wish you the best of luck & know that there are avenues to make you feel better. All is not going to be chit until he gets here, you must believe that!

[rebeccajo 14]

As you can see, some of what Mandi's stress is her always working, bills needing paying, no time for anything, tired, etc...those things will not change just with her SO's arrival. In fact, some could argue that they could get worse.....

Truer words were never spoken.

If your family situation necessitates that your husband/wife work, it's VERY stressful waiting for the EAD to arrive. The job hunt can't begin in earnest until one is legally employable. Then they have to find a job. They may encounter cultural barriers - even discrimination. US employers may not understand their educational credentials. They may be limited in jobs they could apply for that USC's might consider 'over the hump' jobs - Mickey D's and the like - because they are still uncomfortable handling currency.

These inter-continental relationships are like no other in their highs and lows. Once your SO arrives and that body-numbing lack of their daily presence is resolved - well you might as well just multiply by ten the stressors your new marriage will go through in comparison to gals and guys next door.

The flip side should be that you are more grateful just for the god-given blessing of having found each other and being together. But some days it's hard to see when bills are stacking up, you are physically tired, and there aren't enough hours in your day.

You need to try and get mentally and financially healthy now. Not only for your own peace of mind, but because it will help ease their transition to a new life in America. You really don't need to feel guilt down the road for having heaped financial pressures on your spouse on top of everything else they must adjust to.

[Mandi+Ryan 1]

Just to clear things up, a major part of my stress is NOT being with Ryan and this visa process. Not knowing what to expect and when. In about a months time, the doctor bills will be all cleared up and out of the way. Things are getting better, family life still sucks. But, it's just too many people in one house, and once Ryan gets here, we will get our own place, if I don't do it beforehand. I don't get along with my parents as much as I will once I'm on my own, but when one of their kids needs a place to stay, they are there for us. As for work. It's a stressful place and Ryan won't be able to take that away, but when he gets here, some stress will be lifted off my shoulders. And I will be able to relax. My main concern right now, is being with him. I'm still having a hard time dealing with not being with him. I have problems with being separated from him for just a little while. I know we need our own space now and then, but I'm talking about being together in person. It's hard for me to handle. And when that's always on my mind and so many other things go wrong on some days, I just feel like BLAH!

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Hi Mandi,

I hear you. Being overwhelmed, having so much responsibility and having to do it al on your own is a heavy load to bear. For the multi-vitamin, just go to a regular pharmacy and you should be fine if you get even their store brand of a multi-vitmain - something like One-A -Day or along those lines. Choose something that is inexpensive - you don't need the top of the line. If you see something that saysit is supposed to help stress and it is a multi-vitamin and not too expensive, buy that because it will have extra B vitamins that will help you deal with your stress. For comfort foods, I mean those foods that you eat that make you feel nurtured or comforted, often because they were something that you had when you were sick as a child or made you feel better when you were a child. For me it includes hot oatmeal, scrambled eggs, hot cocoa, homemade chicken soup, things like that. Since you can't afford a massage try taking a long hot bubble bath or a bath in epsom salts or something to relax your tired muscles and soothe your worries - if only for half an hour. (remember those "Calgon, take me away!! commercials?)

[Linababe 0]

I know how ya feel ive been feeling the same but I am already on some antidepressants I got so worse last week when i went to see my doc he had to give me some sort of relaxant injection - I know without it I would really have had a major breakdown!! He also gave some anxiety pills Lorazapam and told me to take it when i need to and i have been taking them mostly at night so that i can sleep too - it has helped em agreat deal while Dave and I have been argueing, infact I know if I ddint have those pills I dont think Dave and I would have ever got back together again! Please seek some doctors advice it may help in the short term until you are feeling much better about yourself or till you are in the arms of your beloved:)

Lina (UKC)

[YnaYeBa0808 0]

try some salmon... or any fish for that matter. heard food containing omega 3 makes you happier...

[Mandi+Ryan 1]

Hi Mandi,

I hear you. Being overwhelmed, having so much responsibility and having to do it al on your own is a heavy load to bear. For the multi-vitamin, just go to a regular pharmacy and you should be fine if you get even their store brand of a multi-vitmain - something like One-A -Day or along those lines. Choose something that is inexpensive - you don't need the top of the line. If you see something that saysit is supposed to help stress and it is a multi-vitamin and not too expensive, buy that because it will have extra B vitamins that will help you deal with your stress. For comfort foods, I mean those foods that you eat that make you feel nurtured or comforted, often because they were something that you had when you were sick as a child or made you feel better when you were a child. For me it includes hot oatmeal, scrambled eggs, hot cocoa, homemade chicken soup, things like that. Since you can't afford a massage try taking a long hot bubble bath or a bath in epsom salts or something to relax your tired muscles and soothe your worries - if only for half an hour. (remember those "Calgon, take me away!! commercials?)

Yup, right now, I am trying to do a job of two people. LOL! Don't they have a vitamin, One-A-Day for women? Comfy food for me, is chocolate. LOL! I need a massage from my future hubby. That way it comes with love as well.

[Karen_L 1]

I will add a little suggestion -- whenever I'm feeling down/annoyed/depressed, etc, I like to put on some nice clothes (nothing too fancy, but nice anyway) and make-up and take a long walk. Sometimes I go alone, sometimes I go with a friend who I know I can talk to/open up to. For me, the combination of being "fixed up" and in nice clothes while doing light exercise (walking) and possibly also being with a friend and talking usually makes me feel much better. Also, as many people have suggested, doing heavier aerobic exercises is also a great mood elevator and I hear it can help regulate your sleeping/waking cycle (i.e. give you more energy when you need it during the day and less when you need to sleep).

As others have suggested, try to solve as many of your problems as you can by changing your lifestyle/whatever BEFORE your fiance' arrives. Waiting for him to get here to change things will only make his adjustment more difficult and it might even add to your stresses because although he will be a support system for you, he will also be an additional responsibility in your life.

[rebeccajo 14]

........ try to solve as many of your problems as you can by changing your lifestyle/whatever BEFORE your fiance' arrives. Waiting for him to get here to change things will only make his adjustment more difficult and it might even add to your stresses because although he will be a support system for you, he will also be an additional responsibility in your life.

To Mandi and the others here, I hope you don't think I was trying to make you feel worse with my previous post about how things are once you and your loved one are finally together for good. It's just that I've been where you are now (the missing-man part) and I've crossed the river to the other side of the journey. Wes and I will celebrate our one-year anniversary of being reunited for good in just three weeks. Sooooooo....I'm was trying to give you a different perspective and I'm not sure I did it very well. However....

This quote above from Karen_L has a word in it that sums up how I feel some days - and that's 'responsibility'. Maybe it's just me, but I feel somewhat responsible for Wes, for his happiness in America, and for his transition to a new life. If we were to be together, there was no other option than for him to move to America. I have a son who is nearing the end of his public school career and will be going to university soon. Had he been a 'wee one', I might have considered a move to the UK - but to me it was not an option to remove my son from his environment at this time. His future life will be in America. Wes agreed with me and so he moved here.

I only traveled to Northern Ireland once during our courtship and that was at the interview stage. Something happened to me when I was there - a realization of just HOW MUCH my man was giving up to come live with me. It hit me like a ton of bricks as he and I spent his last two weeks in his homeland together. I drank it all in.....the building fronts he was used to seeing each day; the faces of those friendly Irish who called him by name as we passed them on the streets; his home - the place he had lived in for nearly 30 years; his brother who was ever so kind to me; his brother's house - a place where he 'hung out' often; his friend Gordon - clever, quiet and wise; the people who had known his parents and told me about them; the sheer beauty of the countryside; the history of the buildings; the culture. How could someone just uproot themselves from all this to come be with me?

So now we are in America together. And I would never ever again want to be separated from him. Yes the 'visajourney' part of this stinks and is TERRIBLY difficult. Neither Wes or I were good at the 'alone' part of this process. But sometimes now there are days when I feel tremendous pressure and wish I had been in better financial health before his arrival. I remember everything he gave up for me, and on my 'blue' days it makes me heartsick that we NEED him to work - that he has that pressure on him as well as transitioning to marriage, step-fatherhood, and life in America.

I'm a grown up girl and I've got my big girl panties on. I know I'm not accountable for Wes' every need or for his ultimate happiness. But the sacrifice he made for me was, in my opinion, huge. I love him and I want to pay back that sacrifice somehow. The daily responsibilities of regular life seem like a such an incongruity right now. I know someday we will be settled and more stable. Maybe it's harder to be a 'newlywed' at my age - LOL- starting over with a new bank book and adjusting to a new person! But I keep trying to see that prize - a simple life with a man who loves me and gave up his world to prove it.

Edited August 8, 2006 by rebeccajo