25 year age difference....Older women marrying younger men

[Allamericankiwi 14]

Because Love is not a choise. Love is a feeling. You cannot chose who you fall in love with.

I think you can choose who you fall in love with....just dont reply if someone 20 years youger msgs you. dont pursue the contact. check their age first before replying. Or if its someone you neet personally you dont have to let the relationship grow. Its your choice. And if you do pursue it I think youre asking for trouble. love dosnt happen after one email or one conversation. like and lust does but love takes a lot longer and i mean months or even years. I just look at all the sad stories on VJ of genuine american men and women who totally believed their beneficiary loved them but really they only wanted to get away from their own country to the usa. So as the last poster said "be careful".

dont rush in. give it a couple of years before marrying. make sure the commitment is real. the big age gap is a huge red flag. think about it. It seems to me its almost always older men wanting a younger attractive lady or young virile men wanting an older lady....why? because they know its so much easier to find someone older to "love" and get them out of their current difficult life to a new life in the US of A. Why dont they try and find someone around their own age .....Because the ones their own age generally arnt looking overseas.

My opinion. If youre going to marry, do everything you can to make sure it has the best chance of lasting. take your time, dont take big risks, and a big age difference is a huge risk......think about your liability if it dosnt work. The cost of getting in is so much cheaper than the cost of getting out....love is wonderful, the first year or two if youre lucky is full of passion and full on emotion, but that all settles down and then you have to work at it and be best friends and be able to live a happy life together. make sure you know the person your marrying. cheers

[sachinky 464]

Probably get flamed for this but what the heck. I'm going to have to step in here and agree with Kiwi.

In my short time at VJ, I have read horror story after horror story regarding male beneficiary's from poorer countries scamming older Western women for GCs. The same women who, a short time ago, were gushing about how wonderful, loving, attentive and caring their fiances/husbands were. Ladies, it's really NOT that hard to fake a relationship online.

Give it some time. Come back a year or two after naturalization and tell us if they're still hanging around. Sorry to be so cynical but I'm skeptical about these huge red flag relationships. And so are the consulate officers because they see this day in and day out. Their job at the end of the day is to protect the U.S.--it's borders, it's government AND it's citizens--which means you, the USC petitioners. Now you can say, "I don't need no protection, I love and know my man like nobody else." Actually, you don't. ESPECIALLY if it's a relationship that was based primarily on the interwebz. And especially you're blinded by love and flattered at the attention you're receiving. I remember reading about an instance, where a lady flew to Egypt, I think it was, to marry a man who proposed 3 DAYS after he first spoke to her online. You think any CO in his/her right mind would let that fly?

The red flags go up as soon as something out of the cultural norms occurs. Why aren't these men marrying women 20 years old from their own region/religion/culture? Why is it suddenly acceptable when marrying American women?

I would love to be proved wrong but one successful story out of fifteen horror stories isn't a statistic I want to bet on.

Frankly, if it were me, I'd be wondering what is this 20 year old wants from me. What is he getting from me that he can't get from an 18-year old?

Edited March 28, 2010 by sachinky

[And_Sam 44]

When I first met my husband, I thought the same thing. Just some young dude who wants to see what the "older" woman was like. I was very skeptical. Then I really started to get to know him and realized that he was way more mature and stable than most of the "older" men I had known.

After a good year of being together and really seeing if this was real or not, we decided to get married.

I had always dated older men and my ex-husband was 5 years older than me. Somehow it seemed that they had "aged" well more than I did, meaning physically NOT mentally.

Now people see me and my husband together and they cannot tell that I am wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy older than he is. In fact, due to his hardened life, I look younger than he does.

Oh and by the way, my husband received his Visa exactly 7 days after his interview. That is something that's rarely heard of in a MENA country. It was dated 2 days after his interview. We do believe that it was because of me being at the interview with him and the CO was able to see how we actually interact with each other.

I think marriages that fall apart isn't necessarily because of age differences, but perhaps culturally difference or even personality differences. Something that doesn't have anything to do with age.

I hope more men who are married to "older" women step up and give us there opinion or even tell us their story so we can get all sides here.

Is it really any different than a man going to another country to find a woman who is younger to bare their children and then getting divorced because they are now in the usa AND will get child support?

[JuneFirst 1]

I think you can choose who you fall in love with....just dont reply if someone 20 years youger msgs you. dont pursue the contact. check their age first before replying. Or if its someone you neet personally you dont have to let the relationship grow. Its your choice. And if you do pursue it I think youre asking for trouble. love dosnt happen after one email or one conversation. like and lust does but love takes a lot longer and i mean months or even years. I just look at all the sad stories on VJ of genuine american men and women who totally believed their beneficiary loved them but really they only wanted to get away from their own country to the usa. So as the last poster said "be careful".

dont rush in. give it a couple of years before marrying. make sure the commitment is real. the big age gap is a huge red flag. think about it. It seems to me its almost always older men wanting a younger attractive lady or young virile men wanting an older lady....why? because they know its so much easier to find someone older to "love" and get them out of their current difficult life to a new life in the US of A. Why dont they try and find someone around their own age .....Because the ones their own age generally arnt looking overseas.

My opinion. If youre going to marry, do everything you can to make sure it has the best chance of lasting. take your time, dont take big risks, and a big age difference is a huge risk......think about your liability if it dosnt work. The cost of getting in is so much cheaper than the cost of getting out....love is wonderful, the first year or two if youre lucky is full of passion and full on emotion, but that all settles down and then you have to work at it and be best friends and be able to live a happy life together. make sure you know the person your marrying. cheers

Dear Kiwi,

you truly belive you can chose who you fall in love with? That is very sad to hear. Because if that indeed is the truth, you have never experience love.

Love isn't something you can describe or chose to feel. If you love somebody, you love them. No matter what. Sure, you might know it is not smart to love him/her, but in the end it does not change anything. Because if you are in love you will have to follow your heart. Because not doing so will kill it..

And yes, love needs time to grow. Have you ever heard, that when two people fall in love they are usually the last ones to know?

Everybody sees they are in love, but they don't until it hits them - and when it hits them, it is too late.

Edited March 28, 2010 by JuneFirst

[sachinky 464]

Here's the problem with love: When you're in it, even an actual red flag looming in front of your eyes, can be ignored or quite easily be explained away. The more people, whether family, friends or well-wishers, try to "warn" you, the more determined and convinced one becomes of the validity/sincerity of one's relationship. "The world is against us, then this MUST be true love, right? No one understands our feelings!"

One way to test whether the non-USC spouse's motives are genuine, especially if you have some nagging doubts or suspicion: Suggest that after marriage, you, the USC, are willing to make the move and want to live in their home country. Cite whatever you want: declining economic conditions in U.S., no job opportunities, you'd like a change in scenery, you can't imagine separating your SO from their family/friends, etc. And not as a one-off joke. Be serious about it -- look at apartments and jobs online. Say you wanna learn the language. Ask about public transport, gas and electricity, local restaurants and movie theaters. Be very convincing about it. After a month or so of this, if your SO is still hanging around, you'll know that he/she is in it for the real deal. On the other hand, if they've done the disappearing act, you'll know what they really were after in the first place. Quite simple if a bit sneaky.

But you can't be too careful when it comes down to the rest of your life, now can you?

Have your thinking caps on. That said, good luck to everyone on their visajourney!

[And_Sam 44]

Here's the problem with love: When you're in it, even an actual red flag looming in front of your eyes, can be ignored or quite easily be explained away. The more people, whether family, friends or well-wishers, try to "warn" you, the more determined and convinced one becomes of the validity/sincerity of one's relationship. "The world is against us, then this MUST be true love, right? No one understands our feelings!"

One way to test whether the non-USC spouse's motives are genuine, especially if you have some nagging doubts or suspicion: Suggest that after marriage, you, the USC, are willing to make the move and want to live in their home country. Cite whatever you want: declining economic conditions in U.S., no job opportunities, you'd like a change in scenery, you can't imagine separating your SO from their family/friends, etc. And not as a one-off joke. Be serious about it -- look at apartments and jobs online. Say you wanna learn the language. Ask about public transport, gas and electricity, local restaurants and movie theaters. Be very convincing about it. After a month or so of this, if your SO is still hanging around, you'll know that he/she is in it for the real deal. On the other hand, if they've done the disappearing act, you'll know what they really were after in the first place. Quite simple if a bit sneaky.

But you can't be too careful when it comes down to the rest of your life, now can you?

Have your thinking caps on. That said, good luck to everyone on their visajourney!

That is exactly what we discussed. In fact, my husband is all for me to move over there and stay. Sure why not? He has a house, his own business and all his friends and family there. But, after seriously discussing relocation, he knows that I have a son that still lives at home. A son that still needs his mom to be around. With that being said, we plan on my husband coming here to be with me because right now my son is my main concern. To me, I feel he is making a huge sacrifice just to show he does love me and wants to be with me. Once my son is grown and on his own, if my husband still wants it, I will be ready to move to his country.

I have lived in many different countries while growing up so moving and relocating is not a problem for me. I will gladly do it if he wants to.

[JuneFirst 1]

Ähm..I don't know what to say.

If you are engaged/married to a person - aren't you 100% sure you can trust that person with everything???

And aren't people usually beyond the cloud *9 stage when they make such a comittment?

If you need to play the little games that you suggested then those people obviously aren't in a very good relationship and aren't very mature either.

What sane person would wanna be with a person they do not trust 100%?

And by the way: I am sure most couples do talk about where to live. And I am also sure that most US-citizens offer to move to the benificiary's country. If that talk is never held, then...I dont know. I guess there are alot of relationships that dont work out.

But assuming that most people here are responsible and mature makes me feel that your advise is a little "out of place"

[And_Sam 44]

Ähm..I don't know what to say.

If you are engaged/married to a person - aren't you 100% sure you can trust that person with everything???

And aren't people usually beyond the cloud *9 stage when they make such a comittment?

If you need to play the little games that you suggested then those people obviously aren't in a very good relationship and aren't very mature either.

What sane person would wanna be with a person they do not trust 100%?

And by the way: I am sure most couples do talk about where to live. And I am also sure that most US-citizens offer to move to the benificiary's country. If that talk is never held, then...I dont know. I guess there are alot of relationships that dont work out.

But assuming that most people here are responsible and mature makes me feel that your advise is a little "out of place"

It's true on what you are saying

The reason of "advice" is posted on here is getting away from the subject of the thread.

Older women marrying younger men.

What relationship doesn't do "little" test to see if you do love them or they love you enough to commit the rest of your life with them?

[JuneFirst 1]

It's true on what you are saying

The reason of "advice" is posted on here is getting away from the subject of the thread.

Older women marrying younger men.

What relationship doesn't do "little" test to see if you do love them or they love you enough to commit the rest of your life with them?

Hey...

what about the

"Younger Girls marrying older guys"? Can I keep writing here ?

[And_Sam 44]

Hey...

what about the

"Younger Girls marrying older guys"? Can I keep writing here ?

Sounds good to me!

[BellaChele68 4]

Im older than my husband and everyone around me is totally fine with it. To be honest, after my first relationship with my childrens father broke up, Ive always seemed to gravitate towards younger men(he was 10 years older). The funny thing is my husband has 2 brothers and they both are with older women(LOL) so it must be something in the blood. Good on all the women who have found love with a younger man. I dont have to spell out to any of you why this relationship can be more fun, fulfilling and interesting than what is considered to be a more "conventional" relationship.

Great thread.

Thanks! I love your story and am glad you're on the thread.....I love that we have a place to get together and talk about our "unconvential" choices in love and life. And honestly, I've really never been happier than with my husband, even though the journey is a long one that requires patience until the visa comes through! :-)

[BellaChele68 4]

Hi ladies...everyone is welcome on this thread but please keep a couple of things in mind.

1. We (the older wives) are really tired of being bashed by a lot of people for our choices and this is a place for positive posts and thoughts. If you think you have to go on a moral tirade to "school" us in wise spousal choices, keep moving and find a different thread. We get it from family, friends and complete strangers...nothing you say is new or inspired and frankly I find it offensive.

2. I'd be honored to have anyone with a major age difference on here...the more the merrier.

3. Let's never judge another person for the choices they make on this thread. We all take a chance in love when we marry...doesn't matter the age difference, the nationality or whatever "reason" you post. These are all fear based and if you find love, no matter how conventional, embrace it and enjoy it. YES, be careful when you're courting, but also be open-minded, a mentally healthy and stable person will always be wary of red flags and proceed with caution. But consider this: iIf our "American" system of marriage to someone within an "acceptable" age bracket or other socially "acceptable" labels...why is the divorce rate so high?

4. There are actually men out there who are not ruled by sex and objectifying women. So what if we look older than our husbands if it doesn't bother them. Maybe there are people, men & cultures out there that base relationships on communication and support without over-thinking the sex. Marriages should be based on a lot more than just physical attraction. A young beautiful 22 year old can get into a car accident and have paralysis for the rest of her life...if she's married to a shallow shmuck who would find her "gross" afterwards, what are the chances that relationship would last a lifetime? Maybe there are a lot of failed marriages because they're based on the wrong ideas of partnership and what love truly is.

5. In the Islamic world many men are open minded about age differences. I don't know this for a fact, but I personally think it may have something to do with the fact that Muhammed (PBUH) married a woman 20 (or so) years older than him. They don't seem to have the same bias with age than many Americans/Europeans have.

Thanks for keeping the thread alive and let's keep this a place to tell our story without the fear of judgment and reproach.

Bella

[And_Sam 44]

Hi ladies...everyone is welcome on this thread but please keep a couple of things in mind.

1. We (the older wives) are really tired of being bashed by a lot of people for our choices and this is a place for positive posts and thoughts. If you think you have to go on a moral tirade to "school" us in wise spousal choices, keep moving and find a different thread. We get it from family, friends and complete strangers...nothing you say is new or inspired and frankly I find it offensive.

2. I'd be honored to have anyone with a major age difference on here...the more the merrier.

3. Let's never judge another person for the choices they make on this thread. We all take a chance in love when we marry...doesn't matter the age difference, the nationality or whatever "reason" you post. These are all fear based and if you find love, no matter how conventional, embrace it and enjoy it. YES, be careful when you're courting, but also be open-minded, a mentally healthy and stable person will always be wary of red flags and proceed with caution. But consider this: iIf our "American" system of marriage to someone within an "acceptable" age bracket or other socially "acceptable" labels...why is the divorce rate so high?

4. There are actually men out there who are not ruled by sex and objectifying women. So what if we look older than our husbands if it doesn't bother them. Maybe there are people, men & cultures out there that base relationships on communication and support without over-thinking the sex. Marriages should be based on a lot more than just physical attraction. A young beautiful 22 year old can get into a car accident and have paralysis for the rest of her life...if she's married to a shallow shmuck who would find her "gross" afterwards, what are the chances that relationship would last a lifetime? Maybe there are a lot of failed marriages because they're based on the wrong ideas of partnership and what love truly is.

5. In the Islamic world many men are open minded about age differences. I don't know this for a fact, but I personally think it may have something to do with the fact that Muhammed (PBUH) married a woman 20 (or so) years older than him. They don't seem to have the same bias with age than many Americans/Europeans have.

Thanks for keeping the thread alive and let's keep this a place to tell our story without the fear of judgment and reproach.

Bella

Well said Belle!!

[BellaChele68 4]

Well said Belle!!

Thanks for the thanks Sam and for your support on this thread! Have a fantastic, vunderbar night!

[BellaChele68 4]

CONGRATULATIONS TO SANTA CRUZ!! THEY ARE APPROVED AND VISA IN-HAND!!!!! :thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs: