Missing home

[Robyn-n-Kris 72]

I find myself in a situation I am unsure of what to do. Kris came over 5/08. Since then we've purchased a home, a car and we both have good jobs. Our relationship is wonderful and I couldn't be happier being married to him.

Unfortunately, he is miserable here. We both knew we wouldn't stay in the states forever but this place has been harder for him to accept than either of us expected. It's making his life more and more difficult with each day that passes. We are going to visit the UK in March but I fear that won't be enough to get him through till we can move back for good. Has anyone else had such a difficult time and if so what were you able to do to help your other half get through? I know he misses driving but he won't here because its just too different. Too many of the foods he liked over there aren't here so finding meals for him isn't easy. (He's beyond picky on what he likes which I don't mind, the states just doesn't have the items the UK has)

So any suggestions would be great because i'm out of ideas.

[English Muffin 59]

Can you be more specific about what is making him miserable? Apart from the food.

If I didn't drive over here I'd be miserable as hell too, that's the first thing he needs to do - get mobile. Do you mind me asking how he gets around, to work and such if he doesn't drive?

Eta: Where in the US are you?

Edited January 7, 2010 by English Muffin

[Lansbury 19]

I know he misses driving but he won't here because its just too different.

That rather stuck out as being so out of place to what most Brits find here. The driving test is easy and I have found driving here a lot less hassle and stressful than in the UK. I would guess a big city in the US would be much the same as city driving in the UK just that the through city expressways are so much better here.

Yep there are some food that I miss and from what others say a lot miss the same sort of foods, but short of paying a lot to buy it online not much you can do.

Sorry to be blunt but he really should have thought about these things before he got here and realized some adjustments would be needed. Of course I can only form an opinion from your post but it does sound as if he hasn't been willing to try and adapt. It would be a shame if he misses out on some of the good things about life in the US for want of a bit of flexibility. He does need to drive that is almost a must here.

[Christi and Ian 24]

My husband actually prefers driving here because a) You can turn right on a red light and b ) the roads are actually STRAIGHT...

As for the food, you'd be surprised how many little shops carry specialty items from the U.K. I'd never dream I'd find things like Heinz Beans, Marmite, Bangers & Mash & such anywhere NEAR where I live, but I looked online and found a store somewhat near that sells them...and I gathered recipies from his mom to learn how to make Shepards pie & Steak & Kidney pie for him...

Are you sure it isn't something else? Perhaps he's just homesick?

Edited January 7, 2010 by Christi and Ian

[Rhiannercakes 14]

You know, Canada might sell alot of stuff he's used to, since we used to be a British colony and all.

Maybe you can bring some stuff in from Canada instead of having to ship it over an ocean.

Try the link in my signature, it might have stuff he's used to.

[Damian&Kelly 16]

My husband was extremely miserable in the beginning and for over a year. It took a lot for me to get over the fact that I can't make him feel at home here in the US but partially he had to help himself. He had to get used to the fact of what he gave up and what he gained and be open minded about the changes and the differences of the culture. Once we started going out and doing things together and trying new things life got so much better. But I couldn't make him do it, he had to take it apon himself. If he's unable to try to make things better then there's nothing you can do. I went out and got him as much of the food I could find from England and he started trying things he couldn't get in England, and the weird thing was when we went back to England last month, I caught him saying he missed things from 'home'. It was great to hear he's finally settling in. But without a car he'd be miserable as well. Cause no matter how much you love each other, you both need time to yourselves.

I agree that It sounds like he hasn't tried to like it here. Yes, he's giving up a lot but he could try to make the best out of being in the US; knowing that you'll be moving to England in a few years.

I wish you both the best of luck!

[Robyn-n-Kris 72]

Well let me give some clarification to questions asked. We are in TX first off. We both work at the same company so we carpool. (how he gets around) I'm sure he could pass the test here but in reality he hates our roads and the drivers on it. (i can't blame them I hate to drive here. I see so many hostile angry people its scary). He's been trying to adapt and we've found some things but not much. The food isn't even the biggest thing. Our banking system is frustrating to him, as are many of the things in our corporate world. There is alot of things that go much further and to be honest I have no qualms with us leaving. Unfortunatley our situation won't allow it for at least the next 7 years. The thing with going out.. is neither of us really like to go out and do things. (again dealing with the roads and the crazy people on them) and we prefer to be away from the hub bub of most cities (although we live close to the capital).

Thing is.. he doesn't whine or moan about it all but I can see how unhappy he is here. He's doing all he can to manage through but I was just wanting to see if anyone else had ideas. But he is trying and has been. I've seen him. But I can't tell him to drive when I myself would rather not be.

[Damian P 92]

The way I looked at things when I came here, was not to lament on what I'd left behind, but rather focus my energy on what I'd gained.

Is your husband a meat eater? If so, surely the lack of things like proper bacon and sausages is more than offset by the fantastic burgers and steaks you get out here? Seriously, I could NEVER go back to eating frozen, processed burgers again, not with abundance of delicious, hand patted from freshly ground beef, delights you get out here. Sod steak 'n' kidney pie an all!!!

Ditto the driving. Sure, it was a little bit disorientating at first, but now I find driving over here on these big, long, straight roads, positively theraputic in comparison to the windy little roads back home. I'm absolutely sure that once he got used to it he'd feel the same way. But that's just it - to get used to it, he has to at least try it first. Will he not at least do that? Try?

Not sure exactly what you mean about the banking system. There are amusing things about it (like people, in 2010, still being paid by cheque ) but it's all pretty samey really, I mean there's plenty of ATMs and stuff, right? Or were you meaning banking on some sort of higher level? Sorry, can't help you there!

Seriously though, he has to try the driving.

[MonkeyJuice 3]

I think it's harder for people to adapt to a new life in a new country when they come from a close knit family background. Maybe it's his family he misses??

It really depends on your personal circumstances & what you agreed before he came over. Did he make it clear to you that he didn't want to live in USA on a long term basis? Did he say that he'd prefer to live in UK?

If not then he needs to accept that the USA is his home now & he needs to make the most of what he has here. He is luckier than most in that he has a lovely wife & a good job to keep him occupied.

I personally find it hard to hear that my close friends miss me but are enjoying life just the same. Sometimes I wish I was back at my job in UK, in my own house, with my own car, in the pub on a Saturday night. But when I was doing that I was miserable without my hubby. I missed him terribly. I gave it all up & I would do it again.

Are there other issues that he might be dealing with that he hasn't had experience with before..like step children, in laws??

[Welshcookie 17]

It was a huge shock to me when I suffered homesickness the way I did. As you can see from my join date we had anticipated this move for sometime and I was looking forward to it. I have been here over a year now and I yearn to go back home as much now as I did the first day.

I don't drive and I'm sure that is a major part, I never have driven as I always had access to public transport and it has never been a problem in my life until now. But the biggest thing I think, is that I underestimated how much I would miss my family and friends, and my lifestyle in general.

I hope he finds a way to settle and be happy.

[Rito 28]

Fair disclosure, I don't have my K1 yet and my fiance has only been coming out on 3-month Visa Waiver Programme stints. In those, what really helped my fiance feel a part of what will be his new home is meeting his own set of friends - ones he could hang out with even when I wasn't there. When you're moving so far from all your friends and family, nothing makes a world seem isolating like only knowing one person. Of course, my fiance and I go out lots so it was easier than in your case. Maybe your husband could find communities online that are interested in things he's interested in. Joining up with a British expat group could help, as he could share his frustrations and get advice on how to move forward from those that have done it. Meetup.org seems to have British communities in most cities, and the chaps are always wonderful.

[DisneyLovers 18]

We did the same thing as Rito, I came out and stayed for a few 3-month visits, met a lot of Paul's friends and met up again with some of our mutual friends from a game we all used to play. It made it a lot easier for me to come over and not feel as homesick, actually I still haven't felt homesick in the way of missing things or places, just family I miss, 2 months after we married my grandfather was diagnosed with Aggressive Non-Hodgkin s lymphoma and I couldn't get AP quick enough to go back to see him before he passed away, but the network of friends Paul helped me build up helped no end. And we've since been back to the UK for a little visit and got to stock up on hugs and make lots of memories with family, enough to tide us over till June or July probably when we hope to go back for another visit. I also get to talk to my parents a lot on MSN/Yahoo and on the phone and I spent a good 5 1/2 months talking them into coming out here and staying with us over Christmas, We're lucky Paul has a good gov' job and we can live comfortably on a single income and not have to worry about me taking my time getting sorted with where to go next with my nursing, for that I know I'm extremely lucky. We've just bought our first car together and we moved to a bigger apartment and I'm determined to tackle my problem of getting lost on grid-like roads, (something about it disorientates me coming off freeways) and get back to driving. although I can easily walk to our nearest shops easily and I've even walked all the way from here to the beach before back when we were in our tiny apartment when I got stir crazy.

mini tangent over.. if he's homesick for foods and such, you can easily bring back dry packed foods when you plan to visit the UK, my folks packed their suitcase up with yummies like a huge jar of Branston pickle and chocolates and sweets you can only seem to get there and had no problem getting them through customs. even without transport walking to places can do a world of good if you have that cooped up feeling as it'll take you longer than driving and keep you out and about for longer, plus it's great exercise and those lovely endorphins that go with vigorous exercise (love that it's cool enough here to jog places in the mornings still). The sadness might just be a phase, I know after the newness wears off I got pretty fed up of people not being able to say or spell "Gemma" just because it was something I could pinpoint as being frustrating and doing that made it worse, only way around it was going back to getting Paul to help spell out my name as for some reason certain people hear the British accent and get the deer in the headlights effect and are oblivious as to what I'm saying and adapting the way I pronounce letters and such. Hopefully it is just a phase before he adjusts more.

[Robyn-n-Kris 72]

Thank you for the replies everyone. Let me address a couple items.

Driving: He's tried it out.. and i'm sure eventually he may get his license but I can't see him enjoying it here. He LOVED to drive in the UK. When he needed space he loved the winding roads etc out there. He isn't thrilled with how our systems is set up and the rude and arrogant people we see on the road daily.

Homesick: I'm sure there is alot of this in there but he didn't really have mass friends nor did he really go 'out'. He and I are both kind of loners so telling him to meet friends here isn't much of an option. One of the things I know he misses is his ability to go out and play badmitton (we don't have it here I've checked and he never did it leisurely) and the option of a lap pool inside (again, I've looked no such luck).

Food: This isn't as easy as you would hope. He liked roasted chicken (which the way its done here is not that great and the sizes they sell just are too small) fish and chips (which you can't find at all) and gammon. He's a meat eater but only certain items. He can do some of the fast food places but that isn't very healthy and can be costly. His cereal cannot be purchased in the states and most of the few items that can aren't cheap.

We'd decided long before he came over that the move here wouldn't be forever. We have no choice to wait because of my kids. There's no way they would be allowed to move over across the way because the father would have a hissy fit. Hence we are stuck till at least the youngest graduates. I'm hopeful that going back in March will help him relieve 'some' of the stress. I have a feeling that for him.. this just isn't the place to live. I guess everyone feels at home somewhere and here isn't it for him.

Again, thanks for some of the advice.. we'll just keep trying to get through till we can move back.

[lovelyalex 99]

Well I hope he feels better soon and at the risk of sounding rude, I hope he isn't just dragging his heels and is actually *trying* to assimilate and experience new things. Maybe some friends from home can send him some food care packages? Maybe he could have a go at cooking, and see if he can recreate some of his favourite recipes? Thats what I have been doing since I got here and realised things weren't quite the same etc, at first it was a bit rubbish, but now I am the self titled Queen of roast chicken and yorkshire pudding!

My next thing to try and make is some DECENT bread. I have IBS and my diet has had to reduce greatly since I got here, so I understand where is he coming from to a certain extent. Although I can't imagine the portion sizes here ever being too small?!?!?!?

I am getting the hang of driving. My main gripe is that the first time I went out with my husband he shouted at me, because he is a terribly shouty angry road ragey driver not that I had done anything, and to be on that side of him frightened me a lot. And of course, now it is snowy and icey until April, so I don't want to go out and drive >.<

Once you are in the UK, do you think you will have similar feelings, such as miss the US food etc? Or is it possible for you guys to maybe leave Texas and live elsewhere before you consider moving over the Atlantic?

[Robyn-n-Kris 72]

Well I hope he feels better soon and at the risk of sounding rude, I hope he isn't just dragging his heels and is actually *trying* to assimilate and experience new things. Maybe some friends from home can send him some food care packages? Maybe he could have a go at cooking, and see if he can recreate some of his favourite recipes? Thats what I have been doing since I got here and realised things weren't quite the same etc, at first it was a bit rubbish, but now I am the self titled Queen of roast chicken and yorkshire pudding!

My next thing to try and make is some DECENT bread. I have IBS and my diet has had to reduce greatly since I got here, so I understand where is he coming from to a certain extent. Although I can't imagine the portion sizes here ever being too small?!?!?!?

I am getting the hang of driving. My main gripe is that the first time I went out with my husband he shouted at me, because he is a terribly shouty angry road ragey driver not that I had done anything, and to be on that side of him frightened me a lot. And of course, now it is snowy and icey until April, so I don't want to go out and drive >.<

Once you are in the UK, do you think you will have similar feelings, such as miss the US food etc? Or is it possible for you guys to maybe leave Texas and live elsewhere before you consider moving over the Atlantic?

He has tried to cook some of the stuff but so far we've not found much.. but he does try. He doesn't have any real favorite receipes. We are going to try and bring stuff back when we go visit. Hopefully it will help. I'm hoping we can afford to visit every couple years till we can move.

Driving is scary here. I hate it so I can't imagine him enjoying it.

As for my thoughts about moving, I don't mind the idea. I've never felt at home regardless of where i've lived in the US. I can't see having the same issues over there because i'm much more adaptable to different places. Plus I've always wanted to leave the states at some point so it works out well. Besides trying elsewhere really isn't feasible. Guess we shall see.