Jealousy

[mercuryroad 0]

I'm glad you could talk to your fiance about the situation rather than forbidding her to contact the guy... I hope that you're wrong and the guy is only interested in being friends, but it does sound like he's a bit dependant on her and that's not a good thing... I understand why you're concerned - you're not worried about HER, you're worried about HIM.

Yep....more worried about him, but less so now. I forget who said it, but there is a saying "trust but verify" hahahahaha.....I like that one.

Forbidding might be a natural gut reaction, but I would never presume to be able to control her life like that.....I don't think it is appropriate and if you start there, then when does it stop? I want her to lead her life and have me as a partner, not a superior. Sometimes that calls for tough decisions, but ultimately I am confident in myself and all I can do is live my life the right way because that is the only one I can completely control. That's enough work without trying to control someone else's life too!

[bhajishah 4]

Yes agree on the control and superior issue., but this is a two way street. Both need to have control ie... Make decisions based on how the other person might feel . Question: would she like your new best female friend to hang out at your pad watching movies?? Aparently she is questioning motives as she is tell ing you details orf what is going on. He(her friend) needs or she needs to find him some additional friends and both need to resepect boundries of a marriage relationship. Right down names kick some a$$.Romeo needs to take a hike down the road Marriage is untimely and basic need.. go with your initial insincts. At the least you should be jealous that this guy is spending time with her and you cant.Cheating come one ,that is more than sex. Here you are 1,000 of miles away and stressing anyway(uscis stress etc) and now this. Not a good thing.

take care

[mercuryroad 0]

Yes agree on the control and superior issue., but this is a two way street. Both need to have control ie... Make decisions based on how the other person might feel . Question: would she like your new best female friend to hang out at your pad watching movies?? Aparently she is questioning motives as she is tell ing you details orf what is going on. He(her friend) needs or she needs to find him some additional friends and both need to resepect boundries of a marriage relationship. Right down names kick some a$$.Romeo needs to take a hike down the road Marriage is untimely and basic need.. go with your initial insincts. At the least you should be jealous that this guy is spending time with her and you cant.Cheating come one ,that is more than sex. Here you are 1,000 of miles away and stressing anyway(uscis stress etc) and now this. Not a good thing.

take care

I hear ya cindi, but the situation with me inviting someone over here would be different. I live alone and she lives with her grandparents and her sister.....all of whom were in the house at the time. The situation would be very different in that case.

And of course I'm jealous of the time anyone gets with her that I do not have. I miss her very much and the distance makes that tough. I can't let that pollute my head though and create doubt. I had my moment and got past it. Her generosity and care for others is a core part of her personality, and something that I do not wish to impede. She is very people oriented and is the kind of person that is friends even with the people that everyone does not like very much because she sees the best in everyone. Call that innocence or whatever, but I don't want to be the one to take that from her. If there is a lesson to learn then it must be something she learns on her own. She knows boundaries and how to handle herself.

If I have to make those decisions for her, then I don't have to worry about cheating because she is already lost. All I can do is voice my discomfort and allow her to make decisions based on that. If I push too hard then I am restricting her personality and that can be dangerous too. This guy could also use that pushing to his advantage to make me look bad. I'll fight for my love and do what I think is best but if this is a situation that she could not handle on her own, then I really question why we are together. I do know, however, that she can handle it and that is why I am not worried.

Now, in a few months I could be posting back here saying people were right and things turned out terrible and listen to the "I told you so" comments. I refuse to live my life like that though. I just give 100% of my heart and trust until proven otherwise. My wife will be someone that I can trust in all situations. If I get burned, I get burned but I will not let that destroy my optimism and ideals. Life and love is a risk.

[j&js 0]

I just wanted to post and tell you that I think that is a great attitude! Not enough people think like that anymore, IMHO

Your fiance sounds like a wonderful woman and I hope you two will be very happy together!

[mercuryroad 0]

I just wanted to post and tell you that I think that is a great attitude! Not enough people think like that anymore, IMHO

Your fiance sounds like a wonderful woman and I hope you two will be very happy together!

She definately is a wonderful woman and thanks for the compliment!

[slim 1,533]

Women have no problem being "friends" with guys. So, don't worry too much about her. She is going to come here and marry you, and that's the bottome line!

Guys on the other hand..... like you said, you'll be able to tell when you meet this guy what he's all about. My oppinion, unless he's an interior decorator (or someone with their own show on the Bravo network) or carries a poodle around in his man purse, of course I would assume that he's trying to drink my Kool-Aid. That's just natural, and you shouldn't feel bad about getting the "#######?" feeling when she tells you she has a new "guy friend" that she's rolling solo with.

But, I also agree with what you're doing. When she's there, and you're here, you CAN'T get jealous. You can express your displeasure with the situation, but being jealous only adds problems to an already complicated relationship. (Complicated by distance.) It sounds like she knows what is acceptable and what isn't, so other than that, there's not a whole lot you can do except make it into a fight, and there's no reason for that. Let her have fun with her "friends" and don't worry about if they're male, female, poodle-carriers, etc. Just keep in mind that regardless of what she's doing, she'll be with you soon, and that's all that really matters.

[Artegal 1]

Well, in the two years or so that my wife and I were apart she socialized with guy-friends, then there was that other group: "friendly" guys and the Exes that were trying to get back into the picture. To the credit of my wife she knows whom is a good guy to go out with and who ain't. I was not pleased to hear about some of these banditos approaching her. But then my wife made good judgements and put these would be home wreckers in their places. I hope and I assume as you should and apparently do that your honey is making the same judgements.

My wife told one guy that she would have me kick his as$--he was very aggressive and luckily she was able to throw the guy out of her store. Her older brothers also kept the perros off of her too. When I visited her she took me to his store when I was down there but the guy hid from me--not sure I would have pummeled the guy--but I think I would have definitely made it clear that disrespecting other people's relationships is not a good thing.

I think the frequency of your honey's "dates" with this guy would really concern me. I mean I can see hang out with people and stuff--but it seems like she is constantly either talking to this guy or going out or visiting with him.

Being jealous is completely justified I think--but also when your seperated and you get lonely--so you have to fall back on how you feel about each other and be resilent. Faith.

Good Luck-I hope you do not post a Wogboy-BHoliday-Shona thread in the future--best of Luck.

[kc456 0]

Hang in there -- only 5 weeks till the interview! I hope your fiancee comes to the US soon afterwards.

I do agree with some others that that guy is either getting attached to your fiancee or he's got issues. A horse steps on his foot and who does he call? It almost sounds like he's running to his mommy with a boo-boo. This sounds weird.

In short, try to get your fiancee make travel plans for as soon as possible after interview. Good luck!

[franklie 0]

Hmm. I'm inclined to disagree here. Love requires trust and respect. Trust in yourself and in the person you have chosen to spend your life with. Respect for each other. A third party cannot test that unless an opportunity is given. It has nothing to do with a third party's motivations, but more to do with how each of you define the rules of engagement with third parties. The respect you have for your fiancée and that she has for you should be sufficient to make sure that any friendship stays within the lines. By feeling jealous and threatened, in my opinion, you're questioning that respect and the trust you should have in her. This is just the beginning of a journey together, and no matter how you try to orchestrate life, there will be times when both of you find yourselves in situations where you might be spending time with people of the opposite sex, be it for professional reasons, social or simply just by happenstance. If you don't harness the fears in the beginning, it could play havoc in the relationship later.

An old thread but a relevant topic and I like Diadromous Mermaid's response.

[Welshcookie 17]

You made me miss Mercuryroad!!!