Friends

[Ihavequestions 419]

Ihavequestions, this is a friendly conversations so pls dnt take anythign personally.

No offense taken.

Christera, I moved to Egypt a little more than a year ago ... I totally understand what you're going through. It's just as hard for me here. I don't have a big group of friends. Sure, I work with people, but no friends from that group. We don't have anything in common. Like I said, I know it's hard.

[Rocky_nBullwinkle 6]

Make friends with any member of Jehovah's Witnesses. That's what I did and now, they are doing everything to convert me. But they are friendly folks. Now I am having second thoughts why I befriended them.

Edited July 11, 2009 by Rocky_nBullwinkle

[Merlion@ 0]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I read all the replies.

Although I am not from India, I am from a collectivistic culture myself and I can relate with what's been written. I am not exactly new to the workplace..i study and work at the same university and take classes with the people I work with. Somehow I always founded hard to adjust in that we have these weekly meetings and I felt like whenever they gave me feedback they did it in a mean way or so I perceived it (they call this taking things personally). For me, it wasn;t that I took things personally but I found it hard on the one hand to listen to them get frustrated at meetings and then hang out with them..somehow it was a mismatch. For a long time, I felt that they were not giving the same type of feedback to another people who started after me who are American. In fact, one of them did not seem to care everytime she made a mistake or misplaced files or whatever, while the other would yell back. For me, yelling back was not an option as I found it rude even though my 2 supervisors are also fellow students just more senior. The big boss asked one of them to mentor me and help me with a project I was doing but I never got the help I needed. One day I finally told my boss and how I felt this girl was not giving the same kind of feedback to anyone. Of course she denied it, but nevertheless I noticed a difference in how they treated me after that. Then the big boss started to come to meetings every now and then to make sure they were supervising us the correct way.ave

I don;t know if it is because I am from a different country that they acted like this, but I sure know that they also did not include in their group this Indian girl who then ended up switching labs all together..she just did not fit in.

I joined them for lunch a few times, but I was not consistant and lately I just ear by myself. m sometThere is another girl from Russia but she seems to enjoy being by herself..so she goes on her own. One of the 2 girls i talked about above said that I should hang out with them sotimetimes but never told me exactly when and where and it seems she said it without true intention..or maybe I assume too much. My husband understands little from this..he says that I should not worry, that I do not live for people and who cares. For me is hard.

[justashooter 430]

America is what it is. I understand people's desires to conform it to their comfort, and thereby their frustration. they will not acheive their goal.

[christera22 8]

I understand Merlion. I have faced the same kind of attitude in Hair Design parlors, Grocery stores etc etc .........they keep on smiling and talking within themselves & other customers. When it comes to me its like hi- find everything ok .....and thats it. When my wife is standing beside me they wd talk to her but not me. So it discrimination of course but in a refined way. I tried to make my wife understand this many a times- she says I am the one who is making this up. So i have stopped complaining. You will see different facets of this stuff. When i walk in walmart or other grocery stores ( I am sure you have noticed it too ) , there is minimum eye contact and acceptance as if they cant see me & I am invisible. Sometimes i feel i am walking amongst a bunch of robots.

I completely understand what you mean when u say "My husband understands little from this". Neither does my wife. Even if she says sometimes tha she understands but I am sure she is not looking at it through my eyes. I dnt blame her as she is born and brought up in this kind of humanism. But I am not.............. feels intolerable for me sometimes. YES ITS VERY HARD FOR ME TOO !! I guess the Indian girl feels the same way as i do. USA will take a long long time to learn these subtle emotions and social mannerisms or may be never.

Edited July 11, 2009 by christera22

[christera22 8]

America is what it is. I understand people's desires to conform it to their comfort, and thereby their frustration. they will not acheive their goal.

not clear what exactly you meant ?? yes i know America is what it is !!! i can see it in the pic u attached.

Edited July 11, 2009 by christera22

[Pink Lotus 0]

Hello, World. I have just read the entire chat line of everyone attempting to assist the young lady who has no friends here. I have compassion and understanding for her situation....and...I also know what it is like here in the USA in Dayton, Ohio. I feel some folks are 'generalizing'...that they know of one experience and feel the entire USA is that way. I am married to an Indian...lovely man, beautiful spirit and personality; he struggles here with the 'coldness' that he feels our area has. However, there are are small towns close by where the atmosphere and people are open minded, very friendly and generous of heart and nature. We happen to live in a uneducated, suppressed area where to be honest, I am not that eager to 'reach out' and touch the locals. I protect him from prejudice and lower mentality. He says, we are robots, but I see people look at him and smile....he doesn't see. I told him instead of seeking folks to 'see you' to validate your presence and worth, instead turn it around....'what can I give to the world to make it a more loving and peaceful experience. At times I don't accept the coldness and aloofness of our society, so instead I reach out...offer a smile, a hello, kindness... I feel in sometimes we get caught up in 'what's in it for us'.....I feel we could suspend our personal self orientation and reach to others.....make our experience the way we would like it to be. I believe 'like attracts like'....be more loving and love will return.

We have attended his hindu temple, follks there are rather unfriendly...even to him. He tells me that in India folks are open and friendly and caring and helpful. Well, in his temple, I am not finding that at all; as a matter of fact, I have had to mention to him about his unfriendliness towards other Indians. He says it's because of the class system. Well, you don't want to know how we americans feel about the caste system. I feel here there is generalization made by bothsides and not all Indians are slaves to their castes and not all Americans are cold and unfriendly. I thought that when he met other Indians there would be a great embracing, but instead, 98% of Indian we meet here turn away or when he reaches out do not respond in a friendly manner.

As for the young lady who is feeling isolated, and perhaps ostrocized....if it were me, I would join some small like minded groups, on campus and off. Meetups are a great source of like minded folks.

Ok, I am off my soap box now....it is just that my husband complains incessantly of his isolation, I have tried to take him here and there, open groups and friends to him, but yes, he feels the lack of kindredness here. I feel that when we do find that kindred spriit, we must treasure them. Just don't give up extending yourself to others....one day you will find that open heart.

Peace.

[Nina~ 431]

I understand Merlion. I have faced the same kind of attitude in Hair Design parlors, Grocery stores etc etc .........they keep on smiling and talking within themselves & other customers. When it comes to me its like hi- find everything ok .....and thats it. When my wife is standing beside me they wd talk to her but not me. So it discrimination of course but in a refined way. I tried to make my wife understand this many a times- she says I am the one who is making this up. So i have stopped complaining. You will see different facets of this stuff. When i walk in walmart or other grocery stores ( I am sure you have noticed it too ) , there is minimum eye contact and acceptance as if they cant see me & I am invisible. Sometimes i feel i am walking amongst a bunch of robots.

I completely understand what you mean when u say "My husband understands little from this". Neither does my wife. Even if she says sometimes tha she understands but I am sure she is not looking at it through my eyes. I dnt blame her as she is born and brought up in this kind of humanism. But I am not.............. feels intolerable for me sometimes. YES ITS VERY HARD FOR ME TOO !! I guess the Indian girl feels the same way as i do. USA will take a long long time to learn these subtle emotions and social mannerisms or may be never.

I really have to disagree with you because I used to think the same why when I first moved her too.. I later realized that if I was being treated this by a lot of people, then it is probably something I am doing or not doing to get this kind of response. So I paid close attention to other people in social situations and picked up a few pointers.

1) Make eye contact. I dont mean stare at the person, but an eye contact usually implies a silent acknowledgment.

2) Smile: A subtle smile makes you look friendlier and easier for a person to begin conversation with.

3) Do not wait for someone to approach you or to start a conversation with you.. Never be afraid to be the first person to say "hi, how are you?" Sometimes people avoid talking to us brown people because they assume that we don't know english.

4) Don't take it too personally if you feel like it is way too impersonal in grocery stores & especially walmart.. The workers there get paid minimum wage and I bet all they ever think of is when their shift is going to end.

5) Respect in India is different from respect in America... In India, we are taught to respect older people and it is so ingrained in us that we forget that it is not the same everywhere else.

6) People in America place a high important in personal boundaries and privacy.. not so much in India where everyone know everyone else's business. Individualism is values over collectivism here. It is neither good nor bad... Just how the way things are done here. Accept this and move on because you cant change it.

I totally agree with Pink Lotus that Indians in America are way more unfriendly than Americans themselves. If I just had a penny for every Indian person who walked right past me as if I didnt exist I'd be a millionaire by now.. lol.. Infact, there are about 5 Indian families living in my apartment complex and not even one of them ever returned a smile or a hello.. And I am talking about well educated, working professionals not walmart workers. My husband works in a small department of 10 people out of which 1 guy is from India, and apparently the 9 of them eat lunch together and the 1 Indian guy keeps to himself and declines all their invitations.IMHO a lot of people from the Indian subcontinent have trouble socializing in America. I think that some cultural stuff are so ingrained in us Indians that we have a hard time letting them go in America.

[Nina~ 431]

oops

Edited July 12, 2009 by Nina Ballerina

[HappyNathy 0]

Hey Merlion!

Hang in there! I have been here a little over 2 years and I have also struggled to find people to connect with. The last 2 years I have been so focused on immigration issues, getting my certification recognized here, a new marriage etc. that I only recently started feeling like I could come up for air.

Taking pro-active steps now I have started a social club called 'Saffers in The South'. The purpose is to connect South Africans & people with an interest in South Africa on the Southside of Atlanta, but anyone is welcome really!

Saffers in The South on meetup.com

Saffers in The South on Facebook

This project has also gotten me the most excited about socializing I have been in a loooong time. Although we are less than a week old, there has been a very positive response & I guess a definite gap for this type of thing. (Although we'll see what the actual turn out is *fingers crossed*)

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are not alone with your situation. Stay positive & if need be, get pro-active!

[champi 13]

Hello, World. I have just read the entire chat line of everyone attempting to assist the young lady who has no friends here. I have compassion and understanding for her situation....and...I also know what it is like here in the USA in Dayton, Ohio. I feel some folks are 'generalizing'...that they know of one experience and feel the entire USA is that way. I am married to an Indian...lovely man, beautiful spirit and personality; he struggles here with the 'coldness' that he feels our area has. However, there are are small towns close by where the atmosphere and people are open minded, very friendly and generous of heart and nature. We happen to live in a uneducated, suppressed area where to be honest, I am not that eager to 'reach out' and touch the locals. I protect him from prejudice and lower mentality. He says, we are robots, but I see people look at him and smile....he doesn't see. I told him instead of seeking folks to 'see you' to validate your presence and worth, instead turn it around....'what can I give to the world to make it a more loving and peaceful experience. At times I don't accept the coldness and aloofness of our society, so instead I reach out...offer a smile, a hello, kindness... I feel in sometimes we get caught up in 'what's in it for us'.....I feel we could suspend our personal self orientation and reach to others.....make our experience the way we would like it to be. I believe 'like attracts like'....be more loving and love will return.

We have attended his hindu temple, follks there are rather unfriendly...even to him. He tells me that in India folks are open and friendly and caring and helpful. Well, in his temple, I am not finding that at all; as a matter of fact, I have had to mention to him about his unfriendliness towards other Indians. He says it's because of the class system. Well, you don't want to know how we americans feel about the caste system. I feel here there is generalization made by bothsides and not all Indians are slaves to their castes and not all Americans are cold and unfriendly. I thought that when he met other Indians there would be a great embracing, but instead, 98% of Indian we meet here turn away or when he reaches out do not respond in a friendly manner.

As for the young lady who is feeling isolated, and perhaps ostrocized....if it were me, I would join some small like minded groups, on campus and off. Meetups are a great source of like minded folks.

Ok, I am off my soap box now....it is just that my husband complains incessantly of his isolation, I have tried to take him here and there, open groups and friends to him, but yes, he feels the lack of kindredness here. I feel that when we do find that kindred spriit, we must treasure them. Just don't give up extending yourself to others....one day you will find that open heart.

Peace.

Well said Pink Lotus... Specially about getting caught up in 'what's in it for me' and 'reach out'... I'll keep that in mind..

[DanielParul 50]

I felt a lack of friends when I moved here. The good thing though is Daniel and I do everything together so I got to meet all his friends and do things with them too. We even threw a couple of parties for friends and I was able to get comfortable with them and meet new people through them. You will also need to put in a little effort into it though because people tend to be as uncomfortable around you as you are around them. So showing you are interested helps. I did not encounter any situation where people acted funny with me for being an Indian, maybe curious but not funny, but it helped in making friends. I have lived in different countries so did not have much problem settling down here, maybe its Texas that made it easy or the fact that I do not miss being around Indians too much. People are people at the end of the day and you will find the right kind for you if you try. I now have a few very good friends and don't feel lonely at all.

[Merlion@ 0]

It sucks. I had lunch with my coworkers the other day, but today I could not bring myself to do it. They were all outside laughing and they did not say anything to me. Then later one of the girls who volunteers at my job came over and said that I should go outside and join everyone.

If anyone is in a similar situation and living in Miami and would like to talk, please let me know.

[betsay 0]

It sucks. I had lunch with my coworkers the other day, but today I could not bring myself to do it. They were all outside laughing and they did not say anything to me. Then later one of the girls who volunteers at my job came over and said that I should go outside and join everyone.

If anyone is in a similar situation and living in Miami and would like to talk, please let me know.

I know what you are going through Merlion. My first few months here was really a struggle, I was so lonely and missed my friends back home and wanted to have close friends here in the US to fill the void. I tried really hard to look for one. I got a job in the hopes of finding a friend in the workplace, but found out that my expectations were far from reality. the people at work were nice, but not one is "real friend" material. We just have different values in life. I also tried joining an online meet-up group and actually found 2 women I am now friends with. But yesterday, as my husband and I were hiking up Multnomah Falls in Oregon, I had come to the realization (call it serendipity) that I don't really need to look for "close friends" here in America anymore because I already have my husband, and he is my best friend. I have women best friends back in the Philippines, and they are enough for me in this lifetime. Now, i don't have to fret or struggle anymore.

[amberdima 6]

It sucks. I had lunch with my coworkers the other day, but today I could not bring myself to do it. They were all outside laughing and they did not say anything to me. Then later one of the girls who volunteers at my job came over and said that I should go outside and join everyone.

If anyone is in a similar situation and living in Miami and would like to talk, please let me know.

i get the same thing where i work. if you pay close attention, you might find that you're better off isolated from certain people. friends are overrated anyway. i have one.