respect and relationships

[onwa 6]

I always thought that respect had to be earned. But now that I've been married almost a year, I have changed my mind.

Just as I want unconditional love from my husband, my husband wants unconditional respect from me. Its been a complete mind change for me but its as almost as a light bulb went off in my head. I don't know if this is a men are mars, women are from venus type thing or what. I also wonder if it is an American thing to think that respect must be earned. I guess I still feel that is true, but within marraige, I think that decision was already made when I married him--i.e. If I didn't respect him, I wouldn't have married him.

Anyway, just wondering what other thoughts were on this subject.

[Sinergy 3]

I think respect should be automatic when the you already begin a relationship. Now as far as respect earned,the respect should have never been lost unless something bad happened. I have never heard of respect must be earned, and i am an American, i have however heard of trust must be earned.

[Fandango 1,439]

I think REAL respect is earned. You can be generically respectful to others, but to truly respect a person for who they are as an individual....that has to be earned.

[CanGal 1]

Just as I want unconditional love from my husband, my husband wants unconditional respect from me. Its been a complete mind change for me but its as almost as a light bulb went off in my head

Onwa, I am figuring this out myself. I am actually reading a book right now that talks about this exact same thing. It is called Love & Respect, The love she most desires, The respect he desperately needs. It is by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It talks about what you stated above exactly. I also used to think that respect had to be earned but I am learning how me and my husband as male and female reacte to one another. I want unconditional love from him and when I don't feel that I'm getting it somewhere, mostly unintentionally my respect for him diminishes. But I am learning that the oppositte happens to him. When he feels he is being disrespected by me he tends to hold back the love towards me in actions, words, etc. He shuts completely down. I am learning from this book how to change this. That sometimes, even when I don't want to or feel love coming from him, that I am too still show him respect. It's hard, but I am beginning to believe in the concept because I see the change in how my husband reactes to me.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Hmm interesting - I show respect to those who show respect to me in many cases- I dont give respect to anyone automatically - (except maybe as a child to my parents..when they were living). I DO respect my OH - we dont always agree but I do respect him..if I didn't I dont think we'd have a relationship. And he earned that respect btw I didnt just give it him because we started a relationship..the respect came FIRST.

[ajames79 0]

good question...

I am going to wash the dishes and ponder it.

be back later.

[Alex+R 0]

I respect everyone until they prove they never deserved it in the first place. After I lose my respect, it is my goal that they have no idea. (IOW, that I am able to act respectfully toward them regardless of my feelings).

Might be a Minnesota thing though... we're reaaalllyyyy polite

[onwa 6]

All good replies.

For me, there is a difference in acting respectful towards others and showing respect in your marraige. I also think that respect needs to be earned before you marry someone.

However, in the day to day living when your partner does something that normally would not earn your respect. Do you sho respect anyway?

Or if I am acting horrible and emotional for whatever reason, does my husband show me love anyway.

Is unconditional love more important than unconditional respect? In marraige.

I know for our situation, my husband would rather have my respect instead of love. and me love instead of respect.

I guess it is as Cangal was saying. When I show my husband respect, he feel loved. When my husband shows me love, I feel respected.

Keep the posts coming. Its interesting to hear others' thoughts on this.

[sugarcane 0]

Out of curiosity, what kind of respect are we talking about? In otherwords, what kind of respect do the women feel men need, or look for?

[CanGal 1]

However, in the day to day living when your partner does something that normally would not earn your respect. Do you sho respect anyway?

I think this is a big thing! I too believe you need to respect one another before you get married but I think as Onwa is saying just the daily stuff. Day to day living, not an overall picture maybe. As I said above, I do think it is different for men and women. I have asked many men since reading the book i'm reading would you rather have, respect or love and every single one of them said respect and all the women said they would rather have love. I think men need respect just as deeply as we women need unconditional love. Usually in my day to day living with my husband sometimes there's comments, or spats, and there are times where I think he has done something hurtful so I lash out maybe in a disrespectful way trying in return to get his love or him to show me love. I feel if I'm not getting his love then I need to hold back maybe in a respectful way till he shows me love but I've learned that no matter how much it hurts or how hard it is, I have to show the respect even when I feel I don't want too even though in the bigger picture I do love and respect my husband, he may see it differently. I have talked to my husband much about this and he tells me all the time " Honey I know that you love me, every moment of the day I know you do, but sometimes I just feel like though you love me you just sometimes don't like me or respect me" I didn't know he felt that way, so we talked it out. And he's been kinda following along with me in this book I'm reading. I've been learning alot abotu the everyday stuff and how he feels disrespected sometimes.

Edited July 5, 2006 by CanGal

[Peter Miami 0]

Respect is very, very important in any type of relationship.

Peter Miami

[ajames79 0]

I think that there are different levels of respect.

I respect my husband to be now. But it has grown a lot since day one.

I am not sure if that means he has earned respect or if I just learned more about his character as time has gone by.

I expect the man I marry to be respectable and respectful, but that is something that I already knew about him or I wouldn't be at a point of life long love.

There are certian aspects that I think we will both grow to respect and love about eachother. Those situations will surface in time.

Until then...I think you have to have a huge level of respect in someone if you plan to marry them.

If you don't respect them from the beginning then what was the attraction? If that makes sence.

Not that attraction is based on respect.....oh I know what I am saying! *grin* Even if you don't!

[babybunny 2]

I always thought that respect had to be earned. But now that I've been married almost a year, I have changed my mind.

Just as I want unconditional love from my husband, my husband wants unconditional respect from me. Its been a complete mind change for me but its as almost as a light bulb went off in my head. I don't know if this is a men are mars, women are from venus type thing or what. I also wonder if it is an American thing to think that respect must be earned. I guess I still feel that is true, but within marraige, I think that decision was already made when I married him--i.e. If I didn't respect him, I wouldn't have married him.

Anyway, just wondering what other thoughts were on this subject.

With me my husband gained respect the moment we entered into our relationship.

it was automatic with me. It did not happen just because, he handed me some marriage contract.

as for people on the street - respect is earned. I will like you til you give me a reason to think I dont!

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Hmm, this is something we discussed from nearly get go. I felt my previous marriage lacked respect from both sides, love was there but that was it. That marriage lasted 15 years and in all those years I can tell you I think respect is much more important than love. The two can typically go hand in hand, but if you lose or maybe never gain respect wholly, your bound to fail IMO. If you fall out of love it does not necessarily mean you no longer respect that person. As a woman, I don't feel I need the gushy lovey dovey stuff as much as I demand respect, love is just icing on the cake.

Personally I have tried to take a step back in this relationship, and give him the respect he deserves. Tim repays me by loving me and always considering my feelings (respect).

Some women might think I am crazy, but I have given him final say in everything simply because I know he will always consider me first, and then make the best decision for both of us. I still voice my opinions, and let it go at that. What he says goes. Just not a woman to throw tantrums to get what I want, and I have been the top dog in my prior marriage and hated it! Tim was certainly not the leader in his previous marriage either. We both conversed over this for many hours on end, and came to the conclusion he will run this household when it comes to the major decisions. Don't get me wrong I have ran the home for a year and a half, but bet your arce I always ask him first if I don't know what his answer would already be.

I feel I need some of the olden days, where men are men and women are ladies. I want my husband to take care of me, that doesn't mean I can't do things for myself nor am I giving up my individuality, just that I think it works better this way than the more modern way (tried it that way it doesn't work). This can only be achieved if I give him respect at all times, which by the way isn't difficult to do.

B

[Ladylethal 12]

I think they both walk hand in hand and can be mixed up with each other. I can't love someone if I don't have respect for this person, and if this person doesn't show me respect, I will definitly think this person doesn't love me. That's valid for all types of relationships, be it with your husband, your family or your friends.