potentially stupid question

[JanaknJanet 1]

My fiancée thinks that I hate being in the US and that's not completely true - It's this *town*...you can't get to anywhere without a car, she has no family or friends here that I can talk to or visit, she comes home from work VERY late and I feel useless because I feel like an unemployed bum, I hate talking to strangers because they can't make out my words from my accent, etc etc. I'm here, alone, for most of the day and evening...instead of being productive my mind starts working overtime. I'm depressed and the frustration always leads to rows - mostly all my fault. This depression and frustration just snowballs because I hate myself for having shouted and for letting it get to this. I feel sick when she cries, feel worse than sick when she told me that I shout to make her cry. I just want us to be happy, I want us to love each other like we did. I know, kind of getting too personal here but as I said in my original post, I'm at the end of my rope.

Thanks for the information everybody. Thank you so much.

HI ..

in response to the "Im here alone...." Understand about the inability to get around without a car... that in itself can be difficult. Is there a community center there? what about a local senior center? Sometimes the smallest actions mean sooo much to others. Taking a elder out on a walk or just pushing a wheelchair thru the park for a handicap.. or elder person means worlds.. and these dont take alot of communication skills. Many times just the simple companionship is all that is needed. If that doesnt float your boat.. you can contact a local high school... depending on your language... could you possibly volunteer with the high school? possibly talk to kids of the culture differences of where you are from? or .. tutor a child with language or pronouncation. ..

If you dont have language.. then. you can always talk to the coaches and ask if you can volunteer with the kids in some sport programs. Be upfront withthem tell them your situation that you are here awaiting your marriage and are unable to work yet but have ample time on your hands and are willing to help where possible. .. If not there check out some of the big brother programs.. .. they too are always willing to take volunteers...

second part that is highlighted in red.... I wish to ask you .. did you tell your honey this? Have you shared to her how you are feeling of how frustrated and upset you are for your mixed actions? Many times we think we have said.. but fail to realise that we have only indirectly told. Write her a letter.. telling her your fears.., your frustrations, telling her just what you have expressed here... mostly tell her your feelings of the two of you .... ..

Best of luck .. .. follow your heart.. all this other stuff is just stuff.. things that need time .. time to adjust to.. time to react to...

[desert_fox 32]

Right now you are trapped in K-1 visa hell. You come here...and you are a none person. Cant work, cant drive, and it puts a lot of pressures on a relationship, as you already know. It would even be worse on a man if you are used to working and earning. Usually couples have already realized this and get married early in the K-1 process...file for AOS, EAD, AP, get a SSN, drivers license and things resolve themselves.

You had better know, by not getting married, you are only prolonging all of this. If you dont get married within the 90 days and file....you will prolong it immensly longer. You are no longer elgible to Adjust Status as a K1. You have to file the I-130 and once approved, then adjust.....you will drag this thing out for months. If you think you have problems now...just wiat 6 months from now.

I would advise if you aint gonna get married within the 90 days, that you go back to whereever. Re-validate your relationship....get married and do the K-3 thing. If not........you had better resolve all of your issues soon.

good luck

[Mew 0]

I'm beginning to think that I may have posted this in the wrong section. Sorry about that. I realise that most people who visit this section are at the beginning of the process and I don't want to make anyone feel depressed when they're looking forward to so much. I'm sorry, I don't want to sound like a prophet of doom & gloom.

Hey, no problem. Okay... how about checking meetup.com? Or maybe try and get to teach your native language? You can tutor students and you wouldn't need an EAD for that, I guess. Also, maybe you could find some craft thing to do? Take pictures of the neighborhood perhaps? Make t-shirts, build stuff. I don't know... and I don't know if I'm being of any help, just throwing some ideas.

[digbeezgrl 0]

michellek,

That is not what the 90 days allowed stay in the USA associated with the K1 visa is for. The decision to marry is expected to have been made prior to submitting the I-129f petition.

The 90-day stay is to provide time to make the necessary arrangements and get married.

Yodrak

You are not making a fool of the K-1 system. You are using it as it is intended - giving yourselves the opportunities to live together and understand one another more before plunging into marriage.

.....

Sorry Yodrak,

I must pipe in here.

Technically you are correct in saying that, obviously, if the intent was to 'maybe' get married after arrival, than the proposal should not have happened in the first place.

However, I think we all know what we're really dealing with here. It's reality, dude.

Given the fact that we ALL know, to some degree, how it feels to carry on a long distance relationship (with not many people being able to hack it in the first place, let's be honest) you guys, of all people, should know how it feels.

We ALL know that it's rose colored glasses when you're a million miles apart. You hope and dream and wish and eat and breathe this ONE person for every waking moment you are alive.......

...then the honeymoon period, as it were, wears off. When you're suddenly faced with being an Honest To Gosh couple like everyone else who lives together in the same home, there is a VERY real possibility that things may not be all they were cracked up to be with your partner.

Sean and I found out the hard way. He's currently visiting for the summer, not working, and frustrated and depressed at his inability to 'do' anything during the day, as he has no car either. It's very easy for a foreigner to feel trapped, isolated, without friends or family or anyone to talk to. This is reality.

I applaud you, science, for taking a step back and looking at your relationship from a realistic view before making a potentially life-changing mistake.

PS On a personal note, Science, you remind me of Sean and I. We bicker, fight, shout, throw things, and swear at each other on a daily basis, for many of the same reasons that you do. But at the end of the day, we both know we are deeply in love, and most of the shouting comes from frustration on both our sides, being faced with such a daunting situation (he will eventually have to go home). This scares the ####### out of me, and I act accordingly, by getting angry and crying. Kiss and make up. That's all there is to it.

If you are in love with her, you KNOW it. Be honest with yourself.

But you know what? I know that if he suddenly had to leave for an undetermined amount of time, my heart would be absolutely broken. I think it is an unrealistic goal to set for yourself, that you will never argue or fight. You are in quite an awkward position, but you can NICELY remind her of this fact if things get heated, without (hopefully) shouting or swearing at her.

If you get to the point where your blood is boiling, walk out of the room. If she's one of those types of girls who will follow you and insist that you speak NOW and not to walk away (as I do with Sean, just my nature) then tell her unless she gives you a minute to 'cool down', you may be compelled to shout.

This is not an easy ride, folks. Let's understand that there is a reason for this 90 day visa. Don't you think they probably factor in some 'ease in' time for us, so as to try to prevent the lot of us from making devastating mistakes?

Please do not give up. If you can't get married now (and judging by the info you've provided, you're smart to wait) then perhaps you may seek the assistance of a relationship counsellor in your area, if this is feasible.

Just my .02

[Science 0]

let me check my currency converter...

ok, by my calculations your 2 cents (everybody) has been worth $1,000,000 to me.

I thank you. Just getting things off my chest here and reading your replies has helped me think a little more positively...it's amazing what a few words on an internet forum, by complete strangers to me, can do. May sound a little lame or sad to some people, but seriously it's helped. To hear your similar story with Sean, digbeezgrl, makes me feel that maybe I'm not a freak case.

I have applied for two voluntary positions today, hopefully I'll hear back. If not, I will follow up with a phone call tomorrow. I've also phoned to arrange a counciling service for myself to deal with my anger problems. This small productivity has made me want to top today off by actually making an effort to cook something decent tonight for my fiancée returning home from work - I used to enjoy cooking (I mean proper cooking, not just heating things up) but recently it's been a case of making what's easy - Mac & Cheese from a packet yesterday (seriously!) but a chicken & rice dish tonight.

Thanks guys.

Edited July 7, 2006 by Science

[wanthimhere 0]

I can understand your position, but have no idea what I would do if it was me. You're really in a tough spot!!

My advice though, would be this .... if you are both honestly in love, and are willing to meet on a middle ground, I say keep working at it.

And remember, today is not forever ... it's only today. Tomorrow might be better, or it might not. Next week might be better, or it might not. But if you keep giving it 100%, from all angles, you will make progress (in love, in career, in health, etc.). Just try to keep your chin up and take today for what it is .... a baby step, a lesson learned, a piece of history.

[William33 110]

Best wishes for a succesful marriage and resolution to this issue. You can always chat with us.. We are here for you.

Adversity can be overidden.. Just give it time and patience.

[noblehero 0]

Science,

Okay, I've been reading your posts, and I've got to ask you, what country are you from? What is your native language? Your English is written perfectly...as an American writes. I realize you may be using spell checker, but your use of tense, is like a native English speaker, buzz words like lame, abbreviations like "Mac and Cheese", even the habit of dropping articles at the beginning of sentences when writting letters...a habit used by very articulate Americans. So, I am guessing that either you are posing as your fiancee and asking questions on his/her behalf, or you have outstanding English skills. So, what I am implying is that if you are being on the level with us, and I really don't see any reason why you wouldn't be, then I don't think you are going to have near the challenge of most foreigners assimilating into American culture. Your English is better than many natives.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

[SunshineLovin 0]

I couldn't agree more with digbeezgrl..

I've got no other way to put it...

[Science 0]

I'm from the UK, noblehero. I realise why you wonder whether I'm actually really who I say I am or whether I am posing as my fiancée, it's a good call - because I stated in an earlier posting that I find it difficult to speak to strangers because of my accent. But yes, I am definately who I say I am.

It's that this accent I've mentioned is a 'regional' UK accent and quite strong, maybe. I think a lot of this fear of talking to strangers is in my head - that I've let a few strange looks; bizarre responses to things I've said to people or the having to repeat things several times (changing a few of the words I'd normally use to a universal or American English) affect me. Changing a lot of words that I'd usually use, slowing down my speach to be understood has had an affect on my personality - it's sooo who I am, the way I talk, as it is for everyone. I'm a kind of a jokey person, like to make fun of myself, and so I do play on my accent to make things sound funnier. These days I'm hating my voice, I hear myself speaking a LOT quieter and in a monotone.

But hey, at least English is my first language, right? If this is how I feel, I can imagine what it must be like for someone who knows very little English or has a strong African accent, such as an old uni friend of mine who's originally from Nigeria. My heart goes out to them and I should quit whinging.

I sometimes forget the positive comments I've heard from strangers regarding my accent, like when I was in a store recently - the shop assistant said she'd get what I requested if I "said it again", smiling; a close-by customer asked where I was from and replied "I like the accent, it's nice". I should remember this and realise that there are a LOT of people coming to this country far worse off.

Oh, btw...the chicken dish from last night seemed to be appreciated by my fiancée!

[JenT 0]

The more I'm reading your posts, Science, the more I am encouraging my David to write to you.... (he's a little intimidated by computer stuff) He was just here for 4 weeks and experienced everything you have. Even though his experience was on a smaller scale, I suppose, given he was only here for such a short time, his feelings were very real... the way we worked things out together was also very real. He is a very insightful and introspective person and at this point, I think he has more to offer from firsthand experience.

I've emailed him this thread and told him that if he didn't want to reply directly here under my username, I would certainly take his response and paste it into a pm to you....

More to follow...

Jen

[sbgwolf1 0]

Thanks folks. There is absolutely NO way that we're getting married before the visa expires. We'd be fools. We need to know that we can live with each other. I'm optimistic that we can, I'm optimistic that *I* can change particular traits of *my* personality that have caused a lot of this mess in the first place. I hope I'm not being naivé in that.

My fiancée thinks that I hate being in the US and that's not completely true - It's this *town*...you can't get to anywhere without a car, she has no family or friends here that I can talk to or visit, she comes home from work VERY late and I feel useless because I feel like an unemployed bum, I hate talking to strangers because they can't make out my words from my accent, etc etc. I'm here, alone, for most of the day and evening...instead of being productive my mind starts working overtime. I'm depressed and the frustration always leads to rows - mostly all my fault. This depression and frustration just snowballs because I hate myself for having shouted and for letting it get to this. I feel sick when she cries, feel worse than sick when she told me that I shout to make her cry. I just want us to be happy, I want us to love each other like we did. I know, kind of getting too personal here but as I said in my original post, I'm at the end of my rope.

Thanks for the information everybody. Thank you so much.

One thing you need to realize is most of the U.S. is this way. I am sorry you feel alone, but one of the biggest differences in the states is the independence. I am not saying everyone is this way, but many times the family is not close geographically or sometimes even emotionally the way other cultures are. We are also not known for public transportation being a viable option. There are exceptions, but most of the U.S., you end up needing a car. These are changes that may never go away and you will have to accept. What you need to focus on is that she loves you and brought you here. You both knew there would be changes and she is and has been making sacrifices to support you and bring you together. You also have made a huge sacrifice in giving up everything and everyone you know. It will take time. Please focus on the feelings that brought you together. Instead of being frustrated at her, try to appreciate her and let her kno that once you can get to working also, you want to help. You want her to be able to work less and you two have time together. Let me remind you of something, its easy to forget. Think of the time you were apart. It was probably agony, as mine is now. Remember that and cherish each other. Even if you only see each other for a few hours at night. At least you two are together.

As for the k-1 process. I do not know anything about what will happen if you marry after 90 days. I thought you became ineligable for it but I do not know.

Good luck and god bless.

[Lizzy 0]

Are you allowed to even volunteer on the K1?

Hi Science, im also in the USA and im from the UK (Newcastle)..

People do not understand a word i say and i feel like i stick out like a sore thumb, im here in Oklahoma, i cant drive, i cant work, i have no mates, but there is a difference, i worked my butt of to be here with my Stevey and i know its right to be here and marry him.

maybe we can email?

Please take care of yourself and your fiancee, it is hard, but youll get through this.

[no name 1]

Hi Science, im also in the USA and im from the UK (Newcastle)..

People do not understand a word i say

That's cuz you're from Newcastle!

Good luck Science. I'm sure when my fiance arrives there will be tough times as well...esp, as a man who cannot work.

[Lizzy 0]

LOL.....yeah even people from the UK cant understand a word i say LOL