Lost & Confuse

[Sprailenes 47]

He worked so much late hours even stayed at work for more than 24 hours and now he didn't come home again after saying that he have to go to company's new year's eve dinner party (only for employee he said). I am so crushed right now I feel like I want to run away and just go back to my home country but I know there is no future there for me and my son.

Thank you.

That sounds like BS to me. What company would insist on separating an employee from their family on a holiday...for non work related activities?

Maybe someone else can chime in with an example, but I've never heard of such a thing.

My husbands work does this. Its a small design firm, but they usually just have it for employees only. I agree its lame though, I tell my husband that every year so I guess this year he asked if he could bring me and they said yes.

I didn't go though.

Edited January 1, 2009 by Sprailenes

[nickoftime 0]

You are really in a tough situation. Why not look for a job in China? That way you will be able to save some money and help you get back to your feet. You need to regain your confidence back.

[LuvinNY 0]

Because it is so complicated I think it wouldn't be wise from your side to add on to the complication. If you have parents who are alive and can help out, it's maybe wise to take your child and seek support at your parent's. Even if you think it's embarrassing to be a separated woman in your country, I guess it would be even more painful to continue this kind of lifestyle with your husband (if he doesn't change his ways).

I'd just like to ask you to be very careful, whatever you do. Saying that he'll never get divorced again raises a red flag ( in my opinion). Be safe and take care of yourself,ok?

I don't think he means anything bad by saying that but I am worry that if I do file for a divorce he won't sign the papers. Thank you so much for your advice, believe me I take these all into consideration of what I need to do next. I had talked with my parents yesterday and they wanted me to stay for now and weather the storm but they assured me that I can always come home it comes down to it. I am lucky to have them.

Thank you again!

[LuvinNY 0]

I don't want to scare you, but I'd rather you had your eyes open to all possibilities, than have to regret holding back.

There are women's centers and free legal assistance centers that will help you with a divorce.

Although there are residency requirements for a divorce, typically the state that married you can also divorce you....they have jurisdiction

over the marriage.

The biggest complications come with his living in China and being employed by a Chinese company.

China has no extradition treaty with the US, so I doubt they have any treaty to enforce things like child support.

If you were in the US, after filing for divorce or separation, the court could order that he continues to support you and your son.

Being in China...there's not much a US court can do...and even if you return to the US...there's not much you can do except divorce him,

and get your unconditional green card. Given the circumstances you've stated, I doubt you'll be denied the new green card.

I guess the best thing to do would be to borrow the money needed to get back to the US....and start putting your life back together.

No actually it wasn't in a heated argument he made that statement, he was saying that when I ask if he still wants me here.

I didn't even know about China and the US condition but to be brutally honest I do not hope he will pay child support although I know legally he will have to do that but that's the last thing in my mind for now.

We got married in NY so I will look it up.

What I'm still confuse is if I do head down that road to divorce and if I can't get it done until my green card expired (if he refused to file for condition removal with me) and we're still not divorce how is my status going to be? I'm just trying to think ahead of myself here. Will they deport me if I'm in the US with an expired green card and still waiting for the divorce to be final then apply for it alone?

Thank you for your support, I can't tell you how much this forum has help me.

[LuvinNY 0]

Wherever in the US you last lived, there is a Legal Aid Society to provide you with the necessary legal help. The one near here is dealing with more and more tough marital/immigration situations probably as complicated as yours is. Also, the Catholic Church has programs to help anyone, not just Catholics, who need to have a place to call home.

You qualify for removing conditions because even though the marriage has ended, you were being subjected to abuse.

Thank you for the legal aid info I didn't even aware of that before.

He is not abusive to me, he just built himself this wall that I can't reach into and that's what's killing me besides the fact that he advertise his 'ability' online and I found out about two young chinese girls he's been chatting with on QQ (a chinese messenger service).

[LuvinNY 0]

You are really in a tough situation. Why not look for a job in China? That way you will be able to save some money and help you get back to your feet. You need to regain your confidence back.

That cross my mind but you see I'm here on a tourist visa and he still didn't mention anything about getting my temporary permanent resident here in China (the company did not provide us with that) also I do not speak the language at all. He got the upper hand since he's been here longer than me and have friends from work, which all of them are single.

Thank you, I do feel my confidence broken in so many pieces.

[LuvinNY 0]

Just an update from yesterday.

He finally text me back in the afternoon after I bombarded him with questions from worried to calling him a coward for hiding from me. I called his cell phones like a thousand times. In his text he said there's no one else (I said he must be with her in my text message) and that he still love me. He said he's been thinking about us all night and he just wants to come home and cry and try to explain how he feels for me. It broke my heart so when he came home I just ran into him and we hugged for the longest time. We both cried and I saw pain in his eyes. He then told me that there's a part of him that wanted to hold me, to be like how we used to be but there's a part of him that is still hurt because of my depression in the past and how I wasn't even excited about us moving to China in the first place (I wasn't happy because the company didn't provides us with what they needed to provide an expat family but he was dead set about moving so I just tag along and I know it's wrong) and how I was so unhappy when I first got here (yes I came here 7 months ago and stayed for a month until my visa expired, I had a brutal culture shock and being isolated in our apartment doesn't help at all). I had hurt him so much but I do love him. When he opened up like that I thought finally there's hope...

But then he said if only we can go back to my home country where we fell in love in the first place, maybe he can get back to normal. So he asked if I want to do that but I have to go there with my son alone then he'll come at the end of January (Chinese New Year where he suppose to get a few days off). It hits me so bad I started shaking. I feel like he's trying to get rid of me. There's a little voice in my head that says if I go then he won't come to get me because we did this before after I came here the first time and returned to my home country because my Chinese visa expired. He didn't come that time because work was busy. So yes I'm afraid. I told him that and he said he will come. Then I told him I'm not going if he's not coming with us. I even went so far to suggest to send our son to my parents for awhile just so we can be together alone and trying to reconnect again. God knows ever since we have our son we never get to do anything together anymore and it is my fault. But he only said "We'll see..." to that idea.

He clammed up again after I said that and appeared cold again this morning when he left for work.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like there's something more that he's not telling me but I can't get it out of him and nothing I say seems to work.

My parents just found out about our problem yesterday and they said I should stick around until my visa expired this january 16, if nothing change then I can come home, heal my self there and then return alone to the US (before my green card expired) while they take care of my son until I'm back on my feet again. It breaks their heart to see me this way and I feel so bad for them but I am lucky that I still have them on my back.

Thank you for all your support and ideas. I truly appreciate it!

[Ling Ling 22]

I'm almost embarrassed to say, I have a close friend that used that tactic with his now ex-wife.

He said, "If we just go back to where we started, where our family is, things will be better....you go ahead, I'll be there soon".

Well, after she and the kids moved, he just spent more time with his girlfriend, sold the house, and asked for a divorce from the wife.

If he wants to play that game...then play along with him. Tell him that before you go back to your country, you want to tie up loose ends in the US,

including your immigration status. Act excited to go home, act like there's nothing wrong between the two of you.

If he's being honest and sincere about everything, then there's no problem, but if he's planning something, then you'll be better prepared.

good luck.

[Old Dominion 26]

You are being emotionally abused -- it's all about him, his way, all your fault.

[LuvinNY 0]

I'm almost embarrassed to say, I have a close friend that used that tactic with his now ex-wife.

He said, "If we just go back to where we started, where our family is, things will be better....you go ahead, I'll be there soon".

Well, after she and the kids moved, he just spent more time with his girlfriend, sold the house, and asked for a divorce from the wife.

If he wants to play that game...then play along with him. Tell him that before you go back to your country, you want to tie up loose ends in the US,

including your immigration status. Act excited to go home, act like there's nothing wrong between the two of you.

If he's being honest and sincere about everything, then there's no problem, but if he's planning something, then you'll be better prepared.

good luck.

That's what I'm afraid of Ling Ling.

And now that my visa in China is about to expired (by Jan 16) and we're still in a limbo about obtaining a temporary resident permit here I'm afraid my days here are limited anyway. If I really can't get the temporary resident permit then I will have leave the country.

It even cross my mind that if I do have to leave I will make him sign all the paperworks needed to apply for my removal of condition so later when the time comes I could just mail them all in myself.

At this stage I really don't know what to expect anymore. One part of me is willing to go and see if he can keep his words but part of me is scared to death if I leave then it's going to be the end of our marriage.

Thank you for your advice.

You are being emotionally abused -- it's all about him, his way, all your fault.

I don't even know if it falls into emotional abuse or not. All I know is I'm living in hell right now and I got more lines on my face and I'm not even 30. Sigh.

[MsZ 6]

Do you have the money to hire an investigator? The last thing you want to do is to rely on his word as to what is going on. His behavior has been very consistent with someone cheating and his little display is just more deception. You need facts upon which to decide your next step and he's not going to provide them. So you'll have to find another way.

Can you keylog his computer? There are probably emails lying around that will tell you what you want to know. While no good in court (and may violate his rights) these things will give _you_ the proof you need to decide your future.

[LuvinNY 0]

Do you have the money to hire an investigator? The last thing you want to do is to rely on his word as to what is going on. His behavior has been very consistent with someone cheating and his little display is just more deception. You need facts upon which to decide your next step and he's not going to provide them. So you'll have to find another way.

Can you keylog his computer? There are probably emails lying around that will tell you what you want to know. While no good in court (and may violate his rights) these things will give _you_ the proof you need to decide your future.

I did contacted some private investigator here in China but their quotes are beyond what I can afford. I will get the key logger program but I doubt that he'll be using his laptop from home because that laptop has been acting up lately and I noticed he uses the computer at work most of the times. But thank you so much for your advices.

[LuvinNY 0]

Update:

I feel like I'm loosing my battle here.

I just found out that I can't get the permanent resident permit here even if we take care of that ourselves since the company he works for refused to give us two very important documents that we need to apply for my permit here. Without them I can't do anything. DH got this job thru a head hunter office based on Singapore so he's a contract employee to the Chinese company he's working for right now. There's been a talk that the Chinese company will want to direct hire him in April when his contract with the Singapore company ends. He was told that once he do that the Chinese company can then sponsor me and my son as his accompanying family members. Until then there's nothing they can do to help us.

Also, because I'm not a US citizen (yet) I can only stays in China for up to 30 days. I can't extend my visa from within China because of my citizenship, I can't even go to Hong Kong to apply for a new visa. In other words, I have to go back to my home country. My son, who's a US citizen can stay here for up to 60 days with a tourist visa.

So, I'm leaving on Jan 15. This news really crushed me that when DH told me that I started shaking and crying. He told me that it's alright, everything will be ok. He will come to see me, I can come back again with another tourist visa, or I can stay there until the company direct hire him in 3 months times. Things were slowly getting back to normal between us and now I have to leave again. It scares me so much that this will be the end of us but I do want to believe in him so much it hurts.

My parents has been really supportive, my mom said maybe I can just get a job back home and then he will realize that I can be independent and that will bring him back to me. I just don't know what to think anymore. How on earth are we even going to apply for removal of my conditional status when we're not even living together anymore? He wants to stay in China that's I'm sure of.

Thank you so much for all your help and advices but I feel like it's time for me to quit the fight and just try to figure out what to do next.

[Ling Ling 22]

That's not the update any of us wanted to hear. I'm so sorry that things aren't improving.

Is there any chance of returning to the US instead of your home country?

You still have your Green Card, right? If you want to raise your son in the US, I think it's important that you work on your status INSIDE the US, rather than from outside.

Good luck to you and your family.

[MsZ 6]

The thing to do next is to take care of yourself first and foremost.

You are in survival mode and that's OK. He made a lot of poor decisions for the marriage so he is clearly not putting the marriage ahead of everything else. That tells you where you are in the pecking order. So, you have to take care of yourself.

Look at all of your options and do what is best for you. You have a child. You have responsibilities.

If he comes around, great. But if he doesn't, doing what is best for you will allow you to survive. Relying on him is a mistake as he's proven himself to be untrustworthy.