Calling all American women married to Russian men

[Kharkov_Natalie 0]

I just want to thank everyone who replied. I took something from each of your posts and I think the overall message was that with patience things will get better with time and to live the American way and in time they will get used to that as well.

I also discovered that the issues are similar whether the husband or the wife is the USC.

If any of you would like to talk personally, feel free to PM me.

Good luck to all of you who are about to embark on this journey. It can be a rollercoaster ride, but that's what makes it exciting!

Edited January 9, 2009 by Kharkov_Natalie

[Anastassia 0]

He still says what he thinks very bluntly. He expected to get a job at the top and not have to work his way up....

Complains about our country a lot even though I know he wouldn't give it up and go back for all the money in the world, etc.

As for softening things up when talking to people, being "nice," showing a little common courtesy, etc., it will happen.

And yes, Russian people say things bluntly as they are. That's how we are. I can't get used to American sweet talk even after 4 years here. It is just culture. What is considered rude in America is perfectly fine in Russia and American extreme tactfullness is perceived as hypocrisy in Russia.

Awsome topic. Now I know why everybody here (where I live) thinks I am Russian. I had no idea we were so much alike.

I have been here 3.5 years and had previously lived in USA. Also I worked with many Americans in Poland so I thought I knew where I was going. I guess I was wrong. I used to live in Chicago in Polish community. Huge difference between Chicago and Virginia where I am now.

I am the immigrant spouse who all that quotes above apply to. People also perceive me as "rude" because I refuse to lie It took a while for me to realize that I offend people by truthfully answering questions. Every time my husband introduced me to somebody, their very first question was: "so how do you like it here ?". Well..... I thought they really wanted to know (why ask otherwise ?) so I would answer "oh, I absolutely hate it". Just recently my co-worker of 2.5 years told me it was considered rude ?!?!?! I won't tell anyone they have an ugly baby or I hate the dinner they made, even if this is the way I feel but why how am I offending somebody by not liking the town they live in ?

I could talk/type about it for hours, but I will make it short: Good luck to you all and hang in there. Hopefully your Russian/foreign spouses will get used to the new reality and life will get easier. I see myself changing bit by bit, but I swear: I will never say I like this town unless I really get to like it

[PJB 0]

Common responses in one culture can be shockingly rude in another. My first advise to my Russian students was to be very careful when saying "of course!" (конечно!) in English. While usually not rude in Russian, ("Is the museum closed?" "Of course! It' past 5 o'clock!") this phrase can sound very rude and even insulting in English when spoken with the normal Russian intonation.

Now convincing your spouse to change his/her habits of speech may present some challenges.

Edited January 10, 2009 by PJB

[Melissa&Vadim 0]

Can you even imagine the party we could have if we all lived closer together!

It's great to find women who I can find things in common with when it comes to being married to a Russian husband.

Keep in touch, everyone! Thanks for sharing all the great advice. Natalie, don't disappear now; keep us informed.

[NYGirl 0]

By far, one of the most interesting topics here in RU forum....Mox is right, it's been dead in here lately.

Reading the whole thread made me laugh and realize that i am not the only one who's going through everything you ladies said. My husband is originally from Lviv, Ukraine but moved to Israel about 7 years ago before we met. So a lot of his mentality is Ukrainian/Israeli.

He's been here for 1.5 years and I think only now little by little starts adjusting to USA and maybe feeling like this is becoming his country and not Israel.

He felt the same way as Natalie's husband about the job. He didn't want to start from the low ladder, he wanted his first job to be a high paid job and something with a nice title. He couldn't understand why should he work for a low salary and etc when he got his university degree in IT/WebDesigner/computer programmer. I think Sergey ( Natalie's husband) would become best friends with my hubby LOL....they seem to have almost the same personality. Yeah, my hushband is very blunt too. On some level, our relationship is probably a bit easier than others since I am Russian myself, so we don't have any language barrier but that really doesn't mean that we don't have our bumps or it was easier for him to adjust to USA. I would probably say that learning English is probably harder for him than for any of your husbands because you guys talk english at home and we speak Russian. When we go somewhere he will ask me to ask something and will not speak english in front of me even though he knows how to say it but he always underestimates himself. Even when he does ask someone something and they will reply back, right away he will look at me like " oh my god, i don't know what he/she said". More often than not, he just underestimates himself. When he's watching some American comedy shows, he's laughing and then he goes to me " oh my god, i understood everything" So it's like he understands, he speaks it but he doesn't believe in himself. Even when it comes to work/job, he's just looking to work with Russians or with Israelis, he's afraid to work for Americans just in case he won't be able to communicate with them. I tried to explain more than once, that he's in America and sooner or later he will NEED to work with Americans and communicate with them, as of now it's just pointless to talk about it. So just like everyone else, I am just asking for patiece.....LOTS OF PATIENCE

And english is harder for him because he speaks 4 languages fluently and English is his 5th, so every language he knows is being mixed in with English.

Edited January 13, 2009 by NYGirl

[amberdima 6]

new cultural difference discoveries... fiance skyped me today and i was chewing gum. i was told that i looked like a cow. apparently all cows do is chew, so chewing gum when talking to others is prohibited. also, my tiny, fluffy, white, clean dog sleeps in my bed. according to him, it's disgusting. last, but not least, i can't wish anyone dead. not even in anger, because god will punish me.

[slim 1,534]

Get used to stuff like that because you're going to hear something like that at least once a day once you're together.

[amberdima 6]

Get used to stuff like that because you're going to hear something like that at least once a day once you're together.

great

[Bad_Daddy 2,210]

Get used to stuff like that because you're going to hear something like that at least once a day once you're together.

great

And it's only the beggining...

[K1researcher 0]

new cultural difference discoveries... fiance skyped me today and i was chewing gum. i was told that i looked like a cow. apparently all cows do is chew, so chewing gum when talking to others is prohibited. also, my tiny, fluffy, white, clean dog sleeps in my bed. according to him, it's disgusting. last, but not least, i can't wish anyone dead. not even in anger, because god will punish me.

Never heard that first one .. But the last is pretty much the norm in most christian religions :-)

I always find asking why and talking about it if i find it strange to be a good way to make it better. My fiancee has some quirks as such but we always talk about it and figure it out. You will be fine just be patient and communicate. :-)

[PJB 0]

Living together may result in your education about "the evil draft". Russians believe that a cold draft will cause all kinds of dangerous illnesses. At night I like to sleep with a window open and only a light blanket over me (this is Los Angeles and the night temps are usually in the 60'sF). Hubby has agreed to let me go to sleep with a window open only 4 inches. But everynight I wake up in a sweat and find not only is the window closed but he has covered me with quilts. He's doing this out of love and fear for my health so I can't really argue about it, just keep kicking off the blankets.

[Used to be broken 148]

this is quite an interesting forum discussion. I just found it doing research on Belarus folks going through i130 process. My husband and I have been married quite a bit longer than you folks. I might have missed the extreme cultural shock he went through because he was here in US before we met. I have heard that he was quite depressed but it had much to with his work situation.

Day to day life with this Belarusian man is very orderly and he is a very industrious and entreprenurial person. I think he has picked up alot of information from me in business dealings and making money in unique and different business propositions since he worked a very low wage job at first because of his language skills, he eventually went to work for himself.

As for the "money" thing he is tight, thrifty very concious of wasting it. He seemed to be very interested in the mail I guess the sheer volume of junk that came every day. So he got in the habit of picking it up. Then the washing machine was another fascination, he absolutely loves that damn machine. He "controls" the laundry and I am quite happy to let him do so. I get up a little earlier than he does on the weekend and if I get lonely and want him to wake up all I have to do is start the washing machine he pops right up to get me away from it and take over the laundry job. I am perfectly fine with relinquishing the task. Bill paying he has taken over except for acutally writing the checks, he asks me to sit down and has everthing ready to go so I just sign and date. He makes all runs to the post office and bank errands which because of the business can be frequent. I cook he cleans. He does some grocery shopping and will feed himself if I am not preparing food, but it seems he really likes me to cook for him. I don't mind it at all I like talking care of him this way.

I have never heard him utter a negative word comparing the American way of doing things with the Russian way. He is not outspoken though so may have opinions he doesn't share. He loves our dog plays with him like a child. We won't have any children together but I am sure he would have made an excellent dad, my nieces and nephews all follow him around like the pide piper.

I don't get the blunt opinions in fact just the opposite, some topics like family flaws such as alcoholism he says we americans are too open and talk about stuff we shouldn't. Overall he is a shy guy but pleasant and will tag along and do about any activity except musicals and the ballet. We both have friends, his are from sports activities. We had card game with several other couples that rotates to each house. We prepare a meal then sit down and play poker for hours. He gets a big kick out of this and laughs at all the antics. He does 'count" and keep track of things and it bothers him if the card game gets out of order and we host more than once every fourth time. He percieves that as someone else not doing thier fair share since it costs money to host a party.

I think the only major area of tension is my spending and his saving. I keep telling him he cant take it with him and he keeps telling me I don't need that.

[Used to be broken 148]

new cultural difference discoveries... fiance skyped me today and i was chewing gum. i was told that i looked like a cow. apparently all cows do is chew, so chewing gum when talking to others is prohibited. also, my tiny, fluffy, white, clean dog sleeps in my bed. according to him, it's disgusting. last, but not least, i can't wish anyone dead. not even in anger, because god will punish me.

he might soften on the dog issue, my husband did. At first it bothered him the dog slept with us, then over time he got used to the little guy and now he is completely wrapped. The dog can do no wrong, and is spoiled rotten

[amberdima 6]

this is quite an interesting forum discussion. I just found it doing research on Belarus folks going through i130 process. My husband and I have been married quite a bit longer than you folks. I might have missed the extreme cultural shock he went through because he was here in US before we met. I have heard that he was quite depressed but it had much to with his work situation.

Day to day life with this Belarusian man is very orderly and he is a very industrious and entreprenurial person. I think he has picked up alot of information from me in business dealings and making money in unique and different business propositions since he worked a very low wage job at first because of his language skills, he eventually went to work for himself.

As for the "money" thing he is tight, thrifty very concious of wasting it. He seemed to be very interested in the mail I guess the sheer volume of junk that came every day. So he got in the habit of picking it up. Then the washing machine was another fascination, he absolutely loves that damn machine. He "controls" the laundry and I am quite happy to let him do so. I get up a little earlier than he does on the weekend and if I get lonely and want him to wake up all I have to do is start the washing machine he pops right up to get me away from it and take over the laundry job. I am perfectly fine with relinquishing the task. Bill paying he has taken over except for acutally writing the checks, he asks me to sit down and has everthing ready to go so I just sign and date. He makes all runs to the post office and bank errands which because of the business can be frequent. I cook he cleans. He does some grocery shopping and will feed himself if I am not preparing food, but it seems he really likes me to cook for him. I don't mind it at all I like talking care of him this way.

I have never heard him utter a negative word comparing the American way of doing things with the Russian way. He is not outspoken though so may have opinions he doesn't share. He loves our dog plays with him like a child. We won't have any children together but I am sure he would have made an excellent dad, my nieces and nephews all follow him around like the pide piper.

I don't get the blunt opinions in fact just the opposite, some topics like family flaws such as alcoholism he says we americans are too open and talk about stuff we shouldn't. Overall he is a shy guy but pleasant and will tag along and do about any activity except musicals and the ballet. We both have friends, his are from sports activities. We had card game with several other couples that rotates to each house. We prepare a meal then sit down and play poker for hours. He gets a big kick out of this and laughs at all the antics. He does 'count" and keep track of things and it bothers him if the card game gets out of order and we host more than once every fourth time. He percieves that as someone else not doing thier fair share since it costs money to host a party.

I think the only major area of tension is my spending and his saving. I keep telling him he cant take it with him and he keeps telling me I don't need that.

very insightful! i see alot of your husband's traits in my fiance. thanks for sharing!

[Dima_April 9]

Hi Hi, Natalie from Louisiana,

I'm April, from Michigan. While not yet married to my Russian guy, I certainly can relate to some things you speak of and I would like to become friends. It is true, that is seems most on here are men, that married Russian women, so we are in the minority. I'm also close to your age, so that may help.

Although I haven't made it all the way through the comments on this post, I'm enjoying them. I've been worried about the whole process of our K1 visa and I suppose I won't stop until he gets here. Then, I'm sure I'll worry about knew things - maybe you can guide me?

In regards to traditional roles and who wears the pants in the family, I'm more traditional myself and Dmitrii, is as well. However, from the five weeks we spent together, I can see where there could be some cultural issues. I'm not sure he likes my cooking. He says, I cook very well, but I think his nose is growing. On more than one occasion, I would come home from work, ready to prepare dinner and he wasn't hungry. He had walked to Burger King. I'm not sure if he just likes burgers, or that was the best option, because I had no beet dishes? That's okay, the thought of herring, under a fur coat, freaks me out!

Driving? Do Russian men drive? My guy, owns a truck and he learned how to drive in 2008 (he's 44 yo now). I thought I would be kind and let him drive, while here. I realize that Russian men, like to be somewhat the head of the house. I like that - I've had to run things on my own for a long time. I'm ready to let someone in the drivers seat (pun on words). God forbid, I ever decided to put my car keys in his hands. I live in a small town; our main road has one turn lane on the main drag. Anytime, I wanted him to turn into a store, I would give him a heads up. What I heard was, "over there"? Yes. "Over there" (finger pointing)? Yes. "Now"? Yes. "Right now"? Yes! As we roll pass the entrance, he not only gives me whip lash, but my head slams into the dash, as he slams on the breaks. I don't know how many times he shifted my automatic transition and I heard the gears grind!

One time, I took over driving and was speeding along, when a deer started to jump out at us. You should have heard us scream! On that day, Russian and American, voices where united in one! Then, he turns to me in his thick Russian accent and says "crazy, stubborn, American driver!" We both laughed later and we're both stubborn. I wouldn't trade him in for the world, because even during these times when there are differences, there are good differences as well. He teaches me patience, and he forgives me when I'm quick to anger. These are fine traits, that a lot of American's have forgotten. We live in a fast pace society. He's lived where he's had to walk a good portion of his life, wait in long lines, not always have the things one wants. I think, Russians know how to share and know the value of family. All this, can make up for what they have to learn about being in Rome. When the days get rough and the cultural differences great, remember why you married him in the first place. Try to laugh some of it off and what you can't talk it over, don't sweep it under the rug. Being in Rome, means sometimes you have to act like a Roman, but always try to keep the Slavic culture alive to a degree, it's fantastic and we could stand to go back to some of these values they hold. You're child, will be greatly blessed by having parents with different views. When you find a good Russian man, family will be everything to him.

Would love to chat with you sometime, share some recipes with me. The thought of eating at Burger King, the rest of my life, well.....it's more than I can think of right now!
Thanks for the serious and yet possibly fun topic!