Calling all American women married to Russian men

[amberdima 6]

Hi everyone-

Great to see you all, I have not been here in a while. Kopa, glad to hear things are going well!

I will read this thread more carefully when I have more time, but I immediately see great advice as KGSodie said. My husband and I are still loving life together and are so grateful for the miracle of our meeting. But there are certainly bumps in the road (possible future child rearing attitudes, included). He is doing well in the work arena and things are going better in his interactions with my family, whom we (unfortunately) see rarely. We all love taking long walks together. They taught him to play bridge and he picked it up quickly, so I think that gave him confidence. He and my brother play chess and they both enjoy that.

Learning to drive, he had an accident and now does not want to resume for fear of potential financial and other ruin that could ensue. Not sure how to address this except to just maybe say, get an instructor and do it. He passed the written in TX and came close to passing the driving test, but in TX. Now we are in CA.

I handle finances. He does dishes and lots of other help. Overall things are really good, but I know he struggles sometimes with our culture and language here. English is REALLY hard. If anyone wants to talk (Natalie!) PM me and we can talk by phone. Best to everyone, and hang in there.

my fiance refused to do dishes while he was here; however, he now swears he can't wait to come do the dishes!

[slim 1,514]

"why would I want to do the dishes?"

[amberdima 6]

i think it's more like...he can't wait to be together...and will do anything, even dishes cos that will mean he's here.

[Kharkov_Natalie 0]

I just want to thank everyone who replied. I took something from each of your posts and I think the overall message was that with patience things will get better with time and to live the American way and in time they will get used to that as well.

I also discovered that the issues are similar whether the husband or the wife is the USC.

If any of you would like to talk personally, feel free to PM me.

Good luck to all of you who are about to embark on this journey. It can be a rollercoaster ride, but that's what makes it exciting!

Edited January 9, 2009 by Kharkov_Natalie

[Anastassia 0]

He still says what he thinks very bluntly. He expected to get a job at the top and not have to work his way up....

Complains about our country a lot even though I know he wouldn't give it up and go back for all the money in the world, etc.

As for softening things up when talking to people, being "nice," showing a little common courtesy, etc., it will happen.

And yes, Russian people say things bluntly as they are. That's how we are. I can't get used to American sweet talk even after 4 years here. It is just culture. What is considered rude in America is perfectly fine in Russia and American extreme tactfullness is perceived as hypocrisy in Russia.

Awsome topic. Now I know why everybody here (where I live) thinks I am Russian. I had no idea we were so much alike.

I have been here 3.5 years and had previously lived in USA. Also I worked with many Americans in Poland so I thought I knew where I was going. I guess I was wrong. I used to live in Chicago in Polish community. Huge difference between Chicago and Virginia where I am now.

I am the immigrant spouse who all that quotes above apply to. People also perceive me as "rude" because I refuse to lie It took a while for me to realize that I offend people by truthfully answering questions. Every time my husband introduced me to somebody, their very first question was: "so how do you like it here ?". Well..... I thought they really wanted to know (why ask otherwise ?) so I would answer "oh, I absolutely hate it". Just recently my co-worker of 2.5 years told me it was considered rude ?!?!?! I won't tell anyone they have an ugly baby or I hate the dinner they made, even if this is the way I feel but why how am I offending somebody by not liking the town they live in ?

I could talk/type about it for hours, but I will make it short: Good luck to you all and hang in there. Hopefully your Russian/foreign spouses will get used to the new reality and life will get easier. I see myself changing bit by bit, but I swear: I will never say I like this town unless I really get to like it

[PJB 0]

Common responses in one culture can be shockingly rude in another. My first advise to my Russian students was to be very careful when saying "of course!" (конечно!) in English. While usually not rude in Russian, ("Is the museum closed?" "Of course! It' past 5 o'clock!") this phrase can sound very rude and even insulting in English when spoken with the normal Russian intonation.

Now convincing your spouse to change his/her habits of speech may present some challenges.

Edited January 10, 2009 by PJB

[Melissa&Vadim 0]

Can you even imagine the party we could have if we all lived closer together!

It's great to find women who I can find things in common with when it comes to being married to a Russian husband.

Keep in touch, everyone! Thanks for sharing all the great advice. Natalie, don't disappear now; keep us informed.

[NYGirl 0]

By far, one of the most interesting topics here in RU forum....Mox is right, it's been dead in here lately.

Reading the whole thread made me laugh and realize that i am not the only one who's going through everything you ladies said. My husband is originally from Lviv, Ukraine but moved to Israel about 7 years ago before we met. So a lot of his mentality is Ukrainian/Israeli.

He's been here for 1.5 years and I think only now little by little starts adjusting to USA and maybe feeling like this is becoming his country and not Israel.

He felt the same way as Natalie's husband about the job. He didn't want to start from the low ladder, he wanted his first job to be a high paid job and something with a nice title. He couldn't understand why should he work for a low salary and etc when he got his university degree in IT/WebDesigner/computer programmer. I think Sergey ( Natalie's husband) would become best friends with my hubby LOL....they seem to have almost the same personality. Yeah, my hushband is very blunt too. On some level, our relationship is probably a bit easier than others since I am Russian myself, so we don't have any language barrier but that really doesn't mean that we don't have our bumps or it was easier for him to adjust to USA. I would probably say that learning English is probably harder for him than for any of your husbands because you guys talk english at home and we speak Russian. When we go somewhere he will ask me to ask something and will not speak english in front of me even though he knows how to say it but he always underestimates himself. Even when he does ask someone something and they will reply back, right away he will look at me like " oh my god, i don't know what he/she said". More often than not, he just underestimates himself. When he's watching some American comedy shows, he's laughing and then he goes to me " oh my god, i understood everything" So it's like he understands, he speaks it but he doesn't believe in himself. Even when it comes to work/job, he's just looking to work with Russians or with Israelis, he's afraid to work for Americans just in case he won't be able to communicate with them. I tried to explain more than once, that he's in America and sooner or later he will NEED to work with Americans and communicate with them, as of now it's just pointless to talk about it. So just like everyone else, I am just asking for patiece.....LOTS OF PATIENCE

And english is harder for him because he speaks 4 languages fluently and English is his 5th, so every language he knows is being mixed in with English.

Edited January 13, 2009 by NYGirl

[amberdima 6]

new cultural difference discoveries... fiance skyped me today and i was chewing gum. i was told that i looked like a cow. apparently all cows do is chew, so chewing gum when talking to others is prohibited. also, my tiny, fluffy, white, clean dog sleeps in my bed. according to him, it's disgusting. last, but not least, i can't wish anyone dead. not even in anger, because god will punish me.

[slim 1,514]

Get used to stuff like that because you're going to hear something like that at least once a day once you're together.

[mox 298]

Get used to stuff like that because you're going to hear something like that at least once a day once you're together.

[amberdima 6]

Get used to stuff like that because you're going to hear something like that at least once a day once you're together.

great

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

Get used to stuff like that because you're going to hear something like that at least once a day once you're together.

great

And it's only the beggining...

[K1researcher 0]

new cultural difference discoveries... fiance skyped me today and i was chewing gum. i was told that i looked like a cow. apparently all cows do is chew, so chewing gum when talking to others is prohibited. also, my tiny, fluffy, white, clean dog sleeps in my bed. according to him, it's disgusting. last, but not least, i can't wish anyone dead. not even in anger, because god will punish me.

Never heard that first one .. But the last is pretty much the norm in most christian religions :-)

I always find asking why and talking about it if i find it strange to be a good way to make it better. My fiancee has some quirks as such but we always talk about it and figure it out. You will be fine just be patient and communicate. :-)

[PJB 0]

Living together may result in your education about "the evil draft". Russians believe that a cold draft will cause all kinds of dangerous illnesses. At night I like to sleep with a window open and only a light blanket over me (this is Los Angeles and the night temps are usually in the 60'sF). Hubby has agreed to let me go to sleep with a window open only 4 inches. But everynight I wake up in a sweat and find not only is the window closed but he has covered me with quilts. He's doing this out of love and fear for my health so I can't really argue about it, just keep kicking off the blankets.