Keeping in Touch Too Much?

[Team J and B 2]

Hi everyone,

I have been thinking about this lately...

As a very nostalgic person, I always feel like I want to keep in touch with friends. I was the one who moved away six months ago and came to the USA.

I do not work, and the only person I talk to on a daily basis is my husband. We also have a cat. I don't belong to any clubs. I run errands and take the car out at least once a day. I also go to the gym but usually I'm the only one there at the time I go.

The only other people I get to talk with, even just small talk, aside from my husband are the cashiers at the supermarket, Starbucks baristas, waiter at restaurants, on the phone with airline company, realtor, etc. You get the point. I have no group of friends here to shoot the $h1t with.

I'm on the computer all the time (no work, no volunteer work, being pregnant) when I'm at home. Over the past six months, contact with my friends has been slowing down and I don't like it. I can't help but want to log on to MSN and chat with friends but I don't want to seem like I'm needy. And I've even stopped myself in the middle of writing an email because it would seem like I am lonely and desperate. But I want to know what's going on with my girl friends! I don't want to be left out of news and gossip. The bottom line is I feel like I'm being forgotten and left behind. It's so sad to think that, but I know everyone has things going on in their lives and I'm not living there anymore so there's no point in calling me up to tell me who so and so saw the other day or what happened to so and so at work, etc.

This has been a terrific year for me in terms of marrying, prepping for a baby, just bought our house, moving, traveling, etc. If not the best year of my life, this has been the most life changing one.

The funny thing is I'm so with it and organized that I've told myself millions of times to, "Get a life and keep occupied with other stuff" when in fact everything I need to do I get done right away so I have a LOT of time to just sit around and think. I'm working out at six months pregnant, cleaning house, trying new restaurants all the time, discovering new places to go, shopping, researching, and now getting things ready for our new house, arranging for movers locally and from Canada, travel and hotel arrangements, itinerary for visiting Vancouver, etc.

Am I naive to think we can all be happy happy joy joy like before? m I so self-absorbed to think all my girl friends should let me know what's going on? Am I just nosy and should get over myself? Should I just keep my distance from now on and live as a married woman and accept that my life has changed drastically and that when I try to keep in touch too much to them it could sound like I'm bragging?

I think I know the answer, but I would like to hear what you have to say.

Thanks for listening,

J of Team J and B

Edited October 9, 2008 by Team J and B

[LuckyDucky 0]

I can only sympatize, but I probably won't be too good with empathy. I'm the male, US citizen-half of our marriage, so my surroundings have only changed marginally compared to my wife's. I did notice, however, that we tend to focus a lot on each other. Almost all of my conversation is with my wife. Almost all of my free time is devoted to our marriage. I rarely get to see friends anymore (but I remind myself that I at least get to see them) and I probably talk with them 1/5 of what I used to do.

Things have definitely changed for me, and I don't think I could ever go back to the life I had. I'm sure my wife feels the same way.

That being said, I don't see a reason why your girlfriends can't keep you up to speed with what's happening. I think it's important to keep those connections. My wife makes nightly phone calls or IMs with her girlfriends back home, even if it's only for a few minutes. I think it's very important for her to maintain those connections. I can't imagine your friends thinking of you as bragging just because you want to discuss your new life or hear about theirs. Friendship should endure through all of life's events, including marriage, kids, etc. I don't see any reason why you can't reach out to friends to see how they're doing.

If they're anything like me, I'll admit that I'm horrible at keeping in touch. I have to make a serious effort to just send "Hello. How are you?" emails to friends. (And it's so easy to keep in touch these days ... it's sad!) It's really very easy to just go from day-to-day and not keep in touch with those that you don't see everyday. I think it's human nature. I don't think emailing them is out of line at all! It will show them that you're thinking of them and missing them and I think it's sweet.

[Emancipation 2]

I have used the phrase "out of touch out of mind" so many times during this process. I have felt the same thing.. i'm always the one calling, always the one trying to keep in touch.

I started a blog for my friends when I moved here, detailing our adventures, and my thoughts and our lives. The truth is that blog helps me get my stories out there, and share my thoughts and actions, and my friends do look at it. They very rarely tell me (or comment), but they do look and when I go home, they know all my stories tee hee.

But my life back home IS different with me gone. I'm not in those people's lives in a day to day way anymore, and I feel that distance growing. It's part of the reality of moving I think... I have different people in my day to day now, and I'm finding the pain lessening as I find good friends and share new experiences with them. Hopefully as you plug into your new life you will be able to let go, for truly you can't have what once was, and what is now. Two different lives from my experience and in order to embrace one, you have to ease the grip on the other unfortunately!

[Team J and B 2]

Emancipation, I also have a blog and have had it since before I met my American husband - while I was living overseas. My friends all read it, I know that much.

Perhaps with physical distance comes emotional separation and growth. I have just got to man up and deal with it!

Thanks for your input, LuckyDucky. You sound so happy! I am too, for the most part. Just I don't want to be left out from the group of friends I grew up with. I know, it's inevitable. I'm such a whiner.

Everyone does keep in touch, but I guess just not as often as I'd like. I prefer to hear from them every few days, rather than every couple of weeks. Ha, I just made myself sound like an overbearing, smothering person!

As of today, I'm cutting off communication with back home for the time being. It's not healthy for myself, and I feel that I am not totally immersing myself in California by holding on to Vancouver everyday.

[KAT&Allie 0]

Have you tried to volunteer? I can imagine it can't be easy being 6 months pregnant but it would open your horizons a bit as well as do so much for your self esteem. I'm not saying its low or anything like that but you are still new in the US and are trying to find your feet. Your hubby is naturally you rock. But the feeling of being appreciated for couple of hours a day or a week could do both you and your husband some good. I volunteered at the old people's home for about 3-4 hours every Sunday. Emotionally very draining (as I was placed at dementia ward) but very rewording. You'll meet new people and you'll have something else to talk to your husband about apart regular stuff . Just a suggestion though. The possibilities are endless: charity shops, distributing meals for elderly, taking them to the library, helping in schools, hospital receptions (although being pregnant I'm not sure I'd choose hospitals ).

Hope you find your niche. Enjoy your life and be happy . All the best.

[justashooter 430]

not knowing anything about the structure of your community, i can only suggest that you look for a "new mothers club" at your local churches. you're gonna need someone to talk to about things you just can't lay on your husband. he can only carry so much, cause guys just aren't wired the same way as women.

when women complain about their lives, it makes tham feel good. when they hear other women do it, it makes them feel less alone. when guys complain about their lives, they get angrier than they were. when they listen to their wives do it, they feel like they need to solve the problem. sometimes they just can't, and they get frustrated. difficulties in adjusting to children in our lives can be broken down into two categories: those your husband can resolve, and those he can't. talk to him about the first type, and to you girlfriends about the second type.

[Gumbolette 58]

Just to share...

When I was in High school, I had very nice friends, we shared so much fun.

When I went to college,and attended other school, they seem not to keep in touch with me. I tried to, but it never worked out.I was even the one who named our group and when I moved away from my friends, as if I never existed. Even when I got married, I know all of them knew about me having a great partner. I am expecting them to at least throw a little time to at least congratulate me, but only 1 or 2 was able too... When I met my fiance' before, now my husband, He told me the very powerful words that made me realize that "REAL FRIENDS NEVER FORGETS".Friends, true friends will always check you once in a while. That I realized too that my husband is my very true friend.

The buttomline is.. yeah, you are right you are now married and starting a new life. It's not bad to communicate to your friends,but right now there are so much things to do, would you agree?

The funny thing is I'm so with it and organized that I've told myself millions of times to, "Get a life and keep occupied with other stuff" when in fact everything I need to do I get done right away so I have a LOT of time to just sit around and think. I'm working out at six months pregnant, cleaning house, trying new restaurants all the time, discovering new places to go, shopping, researching, and now getting things ready for our new house, arranging for movers locally and from Canada, travel and hotel arrangements, itinerary for visiting Vancouver, etc.

It's also not bad to tell them what's going on with you because they are your girlfriends, but come to think of this, if they want to know what's going on with you, if they want to check you out, of they are interested to know how's your pregnancy goin, they will and will exert an effort, above all, if they don't... I guess you really just have to be happy woman in your married life.

I can also tell you, that's me.

[Krikit 1,163]

not knowing anything about the structure of your community, i can only suggest that you look for a "new mothers club" at your local churches. you're gonna need someone to talk to about things you just can't lay on your husband. he can only carry so much, cause guys just aren't wired the same way as women.

when women complain about their lives, it makes tham feel good. when they hear other women do it, it makes them feel less alone. when guys complain about their lives, they get angrier than they were. when they listen to their wives do it, they feel like they need to solve the problem. sometimes they just can't, and they get frustrated. difficulties in adjusting to children in our lives can be broken down into two categories: those your husband can resolve, and those he can't. talk to him about the first type, and to you girlfriends about the second type.

Wow. I feel like I just visited the 50's.

The Good Wife's Guide

Housekeeping Monthly - May 13, 1955

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
• Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
• Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
• Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
• Be happy to see him.
• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
• Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
• Your goal: To try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
• Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
• Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
• A good wife always knows her place.