Everything was fine and then he went back for a visit...

[Sprailenes 47]

I think you are all very right.

I asked him yesterday and I was being totally sarcastic but of course he coudln't sense it...

"So I quit my job, I quit my marriage, and just leave everything behind that I have started for us here and move back to Canada and back in with grandma??"

And he stopped crying and just stared straight at me and nodded "YES"

Seriously now.

[sara..... 371]

My son is 9 years old and up until this summer he was fine with everything here. In fact, I was surprised at how fast and easily he adapted to the situation of moving to a new country. Sure we had our bumps, but I kept him out of the loop on those and pretended everything was okay most, if not all of the time.

So this past summer I didn't think anything of it when I sent him off to Canada for a month long visit with my mother. Why not? It would be a fun vacation, and what child doesn't love going to grandmas for a holiday.

Well this past weekend I went up to get him, and he came back completely depressed. It is not just sadness, its outright bawling and begging me to let him go back. I felt awful and guilty and all he wants to do is move back home. He wants things to go back to the way they were and he no longer has any interest in staying here right now.

My mother, a psychologist, said to give it a week and if he is still depressed then we will have to do something.

Do something? Like what?

I am not going to send him back to Canada and stay here, on the other hand I am not going to just drop my life because he doesn't want to stay. Many kids move, many kids adapt, he'll have to learn. But the feeling of guilt I have is insane, and I feel terrible.

I don't know what to do, or how to deal with this situation.

I expected these feelings to occur when we left last year, not a year later. I can't help but feel a little angry with my mother for telling him he can come back home if he wants to as well. That isn't helping the situation at all.

wow im having a hard time writing this because i dont want to insult anyones mother.....but it sounds to me like grammy put some ####### in his head......maybe because she misses all of u i dont know for sure but the end result is an unhappy boy........maybe u should try to see just what it is that she told him other than the special treatment of course......as for ur son he is nine not nineteen if trying talk to him dont work u can always just say sorry ur nine we are here u can make the best of it or cry for another nine years but we are not moving back........i really feel that u have to be straight forward with kids if not u spend years trying cater to them and walking on egg shells........and nope im not a parent but i do help my mom raise my smaller sisters and brothers and many times it is just me because of her illness anyway just my opinion and i hope i have not insulted ur mom

sara

[beejay 123]

Please excuse me for butting in but I think your mom might be the problem here. Kids adjust to new things much better than adults (in my experience) and it sounds like your son will be fine if given time to get back into the routine of the school year and such. It may be that your mom is the one who is having a hard time adjusting and perhaps putting those feelings on your son who then because of it is becoming confused i.e. that he can choose to go back and live in Canada and therefor having a harder time adjusting.

I would maybe sit down with your son and tell him that moving back to Canada is not an option and also maybe calling your mother and asking for a little support in the matter.

Just my thoughts, hope you don't mind.

best of luck

b

[Sprailenes 47]

No you haven't insulted her.

I believe she has wanted him to come back and live with her since he left. It's my fault really, I moved in with her when my son was 1 and a half and never really left. We were proud of our co-parenting and okay with living in the same household, something many adult children have a hard time doing. But we split the bills, and split the chores and we split the duties that came with raising my son.

She never thought I would meet a man in another country, did any of us ever think that? I mean come on, rewind 1 year before you met your significant others and tell me if you ever thought in a million years you'd be where you are now.

Regardless, it happened, I fell in love and I moved away. Now I had her asking me for a year to move back, and now my son is asking me too.

She keeps asking when I am going to have dual so I can come home. What if I get dual but things are going well for us here? I can't plan for the future like that.

I guess I need to explain all this adult stuff to my son too. Hmm I think we need to go out for some ice cream or something this weekend.

My mom used to always take me out for ice cream when she was about to have a "serious" talk with me.

Because no matter how bad the talk was, you had a chocolate dipped waffle cone with three scoops of ice cream in your hand.

[Emancipation 2]

She never thought I would meet a man in another country, did any of us ever think that? I mean come on, rewind 1 year before you met your significant others and tell me if you ever thought in a million years you'd be where you are now.

I never ever thought about it.. especially not an "American".. that's for dang sure

Because no matter how bad the talk was, you had a chocolate dipped waffle cone with three scoops of ice cream in your hand.

it's true.. icecream should be served at the UN.. I do believe it would solve all major world matters

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Has your mother been to visit you yet here in the States? Maybe she needs to 'see' you in your new environment for it to 'sink' in that you really do have a new home and that this isn't a temporary stage that will end. It is easy being a grandparent - you get to spoil the grandkids rotten then send them home to 'Mom and Dad' to sort out. Your mother is taking unfair advantage of her position and seems to be undermining you rather than supporting you in your new life. I think she needs to 'get' it in a stronger way, so if she hasn't visited yet, that might help all around. Good luck!

[Sprailenes 47]

Yes she came down to visit for the wedding. Though she hasn't seen our new apartment. Its hard, I am her only child. I totally agree that she is taking advantage of her position. Its weird, our relationship is really weird. Its complex and though we're close, its almost like playing poker constantly, and she has shown me her hand and her intentions way early. I now know what she is trying to do. Trying to go through my son, to get me to crumble and come back home.

I have to talk to both of them. Argh I hate talking about serious business.

[iteachkids81 1]

It sounds like a combination of things really.

Obviously as you have said, your mom misses you and your son and she probably feels a little lost and alone without you guys around.

Plus, when your son was on holiday, as you said, living the good life, doing all the fun things he did at home and playing with friends there, and having no routine, that makes it seem like more fun to him that the normal chores and what have you at home. (happened to me as a kid to when i would spend a couple weeks with my grandparents who lived just a few hours away).

If you sat down with your kid and asked him what he seriously thought life would be like if you moved back, and if he still thinks it would be all sunshine and daisies, you need to remind him he would have homework and chores there just as well.

Maybe remind him of the new friends he has made at his school in the US and also the things you can do in the US that there aren't in Canada (like a restaurant or a candy or something that they dont have back home). ( only suggest this since he brought up Timmy's... I think thats one thing we all miss!!! dunno where i'm gonna get my ice-cap fixes!)

I am sure that once school starts up again and he is back into the routine with those friends that he will start to come around.

I think he is old enough for you to explain to him that you made the choice to move because you felt it was the best choice for the family as a whole. And that you still think it is best to stay where you are. Ask him how he thinks you would feel (and act) if you both moved away from your hubby? maybe he would understand that that would make you sad and then you wouldn't be as good of a mommy to him since you were missing your husband a lot. (just a suggestion)

best of luck tho.

[KingCan 0]

Well this past weekend I went up to get him, and he came back completely depressed. It is not just sadness, its outright bawling and begging me to let him go back. I felt awful and guilty and all he wants to do is move back home. He wants things to go back to the way they were and he no longer has any interest in staying here right now.

Ha ha! Sounds just like me when I come back from a Canada vacation...Total depression!

But seriously, I sympathize with you...Him going back to school will do him better.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

My son is 9 years old and up until this summer he was fine with everything here. In fact, I was surprised at how fast and easily he adapted to the situation of moving to a new country. Sure we had our bumps, but I kept him out of the loop on those and pretended everything was okay most, if not all of the time.

So this past summer I didn't think anything of it when I sent him off to Canada for a month long visit with my mother. Why not? It would be a fun vacation, and what child doesn't love going to grandmas for a holiday.

Well this past weekend I went up to get him, and he came back completely depressed. It is not just sadness, its outright bawling and begging me to let him go back. I felt awful and guilty and all he wants to do is move back home. He wants things to go back to the way they were and he no longer has any interest in staying here right now.

My mother, a psychologist, said to give it a week and if he is still depressed then we will have to do something.

Do something? Like what?

I am not going to send him back to Canada and stay here, on the other hand I am not going to just drop my life because he doesn't want to stay. Many kids move, many kids adapt, he'll have to learn. But the feeling of guilt I have is insane, and I feel terrible.

I don't know what to do, or how to deal with this situation.

I expected these feelings to occur when we left last year, not a year later. I can't help but feel a little angry with my mother for telling him he can come back home if he wants to as well. That isn't helping the situation at all.

I grew up on a ranch in West Texas and loved the outdoor life and STILL love to be outside year 'round, even now in Vermont! (Quite a different climate but outside is where I want to be) My sons would go to the ranch every summer to visit grandma and grandad and were spoiled to death of course and did all the exciting adveturous things with my dad. They rode horses and shot rifles and went camping "under the stars" looked for lizards and went fishing in the stock ponds and climbed the mesas (which they called mountains) and saw deer and coyotes and fed cows and chickens and gathered the eggs from the chickens...what a life!!! And every year they went through the same thing when I picked them up to come home to our house in the suburbs of Dallas. They would pitch a fit a fit and scream and cry all the way home and for several days would mope around and want to go "live at the ranch". But they always got over it. And they were WORST when about age 7-10. My dad even let them drive trucks on the ranch, WOW 10 years old and driving a REAL pick up truck! Who wants to come home to a school bus???? But I always took them for their time with the grandparents and I am glad they had the experiences they did (we also visited on weekends sometimes, but it wasn't the same as 4-5 weeks at a time)

My parents never offered to let them "come live there" it was never anything but a visit. everyone knew that, but it was a great time for them and I am glad they did it. He will get over it.