Insight needed!

[lovin_famo 0]

HELLO AND GOOD MORNING TO EVERYONE,

MOST OF YOU DONT KNOW ME, BUT I FEEL YOU ARE ABLE TO OFFER, INSIGHT ,CLARITY, WITH SOME ISSUES I HAVE BEEN PONDERING LATELY, ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU WITH FIANCES/SPOUSES FROM NIGERIA.

THE THING IS HOW DID YOU OVERCOME CULTURAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR FIANCE AND YOURSELF. I HAVE BEEN UP AND DOWN WITH MY FIANCE FOR SOME TIME CONCERNING HIS WAY OF THINKING, SOMETIMES WITH THINGS BECOMING SO HEATED, I FEEL THAT THIS IS NOT WORTH MY TIME.

NO HE IS NOT CONTROLLING, BUT I NOTICED HE DOES HAVE CERTAIN EXPECTATIONS FOR HIS WIFE, WHICH IS FINE, BECAUSE I ALSO HAVE EXPECTATIONS CONCERNING MY HUSBAND. WE ARE BOTH SO HEADSTRONG, STUBBORN, UNWILLING TO BUDGE, MYSELF, MORESO THAN HIM, I MUST ADMIT.

BUT IN THE END WE BOTH AGREE TO DISAGREE, AND ALL IS WELL, UNTIL, HE SAYS SOMETHING TOTALLY FOREIGN TO ME AND WE ARE BACK AT SQUARE ONE.

I JUST NEED ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE, I HAVE READ FROM DIFFERENT SOURCES ALL I CAN ABOUT NIGERIA, ITS PEOPLE, ITS CULTURE, AND I MUST SAY SOME OF THOSE SOURCES DO NOT PAINT A PRETTY PICTURE, BUT I AM NOT ONE TO JUDGE.

THE THINGS HE TELLS ME ABOUT HIS COUNTRY, HIS FAMILY, HIS CULTURE, ARE NOT ALWAYS NICE, BUT I SEE THE LOVE HE HAS, AND THE COMPASSION FOR HIS PEOPLE, AND COUNTRY. HE TELLS ME THAT WHEN WE VISIT NIGERIA TOGETHER, THEN I WILL HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING.

JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST, HEAR WHAT HURDLES OTHERS HAVE OVERCOME AS FAR AS CULTURAL DIVIDE.

ALL POSTS ARE WELCOME, AND I PROMISE NOT TO GO OFF ON A WILD TANGENT.

THANKS! DANA

[ForeverAmen 0]

Sorry you are having a rough time. I am sure you will be offered lots of good advice here. For now the advice I wish to offer you is "COMMUNICATE". Remember that communication is not just about saying what you need to say. But also understanding what was expressed by your partner. As I type this response I am smiling about the fact that my husband and I often laugh at the arguments we've had. Arguments that could have been avoided had we said what we wanted to say, then made sure that we completely understood what the other person was saying.

I have some notes from a Pre Maritial session I will try to find. When I locate my notes, I will PM you.

Stay positive.

Boaz

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I agree with Boaz that communication is incredibly important to maintain the relationship. Attentive and active listening is important. I also feel that collaboration/compromise is important. You may "agree to disagree" but you have to live together for the rest of eternity. If you each take a step towards the center to make the other one happy, you'll live a happier life together.

Remember if you don't bend, you'll break. It's your choice.

[lovin_famo 0]

THANKS ZAINAB AND BOAZ,

MY MOM TELLS ME ALL THE TIME " YOU DONT LISTEN", SHE IS RIGHT. I HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT ANY AND EVERYTHING, SOMETIMES I CAN PUT MY "FEET' IN MY MOUTH.

MAYBE I SHOULD DO LESS TALIKNG AND MORE LISTENING, AFTER ALL I LOVE HIM DEARLY, AND ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IS WORTH WORKING FOR, AGAIN THANKS!

DANA

[reeses16 8]

You should definitely do more listening (he should too!). Its funny, when I think of the things my hubby doesn't like about me....its the SAME stuff my parents used to try to correct me. My hubby always says I don't have any patience....I never did! But he'll admit, I'm working hard and I've gotten better.

In general, remember that you can't control your hubby but you can control your reaction to him. If an argument/discussion is drawing to an end, and he says that extra "crazy" thing, don't get caught up in it. Let it go. If it bothers you or you don't understand,bring it up in the next day or two when both of you are not in the moment and have had time to reflect. Its hard to do, but it gets easier in time and it promotes discussion while minimizing stress.

[Zee Bee 61]

The key to any relationship is communication but also clarification. If he says something that, to you, sounds out of character for him don't be afraid to ask him to elaborate. My fiance and I have saved ourselves *some* headache by doing that.

[lovin_famo 0]

You should definitely do more listening (he should too!). Its funny, when I think of the things my hubby doesn't like about me....its the SAME stuff my parents used to try to correct me. My hubby always says I don't have any patience....I never did! But he'll admit, I'm working hard and I've gotten better.

In general, remember that you can't control your hubby but you can control your reaction to him. If an argument/discussion is drawing to an end, and he says that extra "crazy" thing, don't get caught up in it. Let it go. If it bothers you or you don't understand,bring it up in the next day or two when both of you are not in the moment and have had time to reflect. Its hard to do, but it gets easier in time and it promotes discussion while minimizing stress.

YES!

MAJOR PROBLEM WITH PATIENCE, BUT WORKING IT OUT. "THAT CRAZY THING", GIRL, I HAVE TO HAVE THE LAST WORD, WORKING ON THAT ALSO, PRAY FOR ME!

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Peculiar Conflicts

Will not answer all your questions, but might help you understand some. It was a great and easy read. I sent it to my husband who also enjoyed the book.

HELLO AND GOOD MORNING TO EVERYONE,

MOST OF YOU DONT KNOW ME, BUT I FEEL YOU ARE ABLE TO OFFER, INSIGHT ,CLARITY, WITH SOME ISSUES I HAVE BEEN PONDERING LATELY, ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU WITH FIANCES/SPOUSES FROM NIGERIA.

THE THING IS HOW DID YOU OVERCOME CULTURAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR FIANCE AND YOURSELF. I HAVE BEEN UP AND DOWN WITH MY FIANCE FOR SOME TIME CONCERNING HIS WAY OF THINKING, SOMETIMES WITH THINGS BECOMING SO HEATED, I FEEL THAT THIS IS NOT WORTH MY TIME.

NO HE IS NOT CONTROLLING, BUT I NOTICED HE DOES HAVE CERTAIN EXPECTATIONS FOR HIS WIFE, WHICH IS FINE, BECAUSE I ALSO HAVE EXPECTATIONS CONCERNING MY HUSBAND. WE ARE BOTH SO HEADSTRONG, STUBBORN, UNWILLING TO BUDGE, MYSELF, MORESO THAN HIM, I MUST ADMIT.

BUT IN THE END WE BOTH AGREE TO DISAGREE, AND ALL IS WELL, UNTIL, HE SAYS SOMETHING TOTALLY FOREIGN TO ME AND WE ARE BACK AT SQUARE ONE.

I JUST NEED ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE, I HAVE READ FROM DIFFERENT SOURCES ALL I CAN ABOUT NIGERIA, ITS PEOPLE, ITS CULTURE, AND I MUST SAY SOME OF THOSE SOURCES DO NOT PAINT A PRETTY PICTURE, BUT I AM NOT ONE TO JUDGE.

THE THINGS HE TELLS ME ABOUT HIS COUNTRY, HIS FAMILY, HIS CULTURE, ARE NOT ALWAYS NICE, BUT I SEE THE LOVE HE HAS, AND THE COMPASSION FOR HIS PEOPLE, AND COUNTRY. HE TELLS ME THAT WHEN WE VISIT NIGERIA TOGETHER, THEN I WILL HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING.

JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST, HEAR WHAT HURDLES OTHERS HAVE OVERCOME AS FAR AS CULTURAL DIVIDE.

ALL POSTS ARE WELCOME, AND I PROMISE NOT TO GO OFF ON A WILD TANGENT.

THANKS! DANA

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

We did have a post a while back on here about some of the culture differences that we see in our SOs. It's a good read check it out. It does help put things in perspective and prepare you to some extent for some of your differences.

I agree with what Zee said about seeking clarification. Bassi and I just averted an argument the other day because he said "A" which I interpreted with my lens and he didn't mean anything near what I interpreted. When he realized that I appeared to be talking about something totally different he interjected and said, when we say "A" we mean ...... Wowee, we just barely avoided that one cause I was just getting all wound up!

[*JG* 2]

Communication and compromise.

[boo boo 1]

My husband and I still disagree with alot of things and probably always will because we were both brought up in two different worlds. I just came to understand that we will always both see things differently and it is not worth me getting into a heated argument over it. I always try to compose myself and then talk to him in a civilized manner and he usually will also talk to me in a civilized manner...and before you know it, everything is settled and we are laughing.

I respect our differences and I respect his opinion and I love him He has opened my eyes toward certain things and I am sure that I have opened his. In the beginning things were a little crazy at times...but through patience and understanding, it has improved. Good luck with everything and remember that it does not matter who is right or who is wrong, it is more important to understand each other and grow together and recognize the differences.

[lovin_famo 0]

TAHNKS LADIES!

YOUR COMMENTS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED AS WELL AS THE PM'S. CANT WAIT TO GO THROUGH TH SUGGESTED READINGS!

GOD BLESS!

DANA

[Asante Maroon 0]

Hi Dana,

Look out for a PM, soon.

[K&A 0]

The key to any relationship is communication but also clarification. If he says something that, to you, sounds out of character for him don't be afraid to ask him to elaborate. My fiance and I have saved ourselves *some* headache by doing that.

I DITTO EVERYTHING ZEE JUST SAID....NO MATTER HOW PERFECT A COUPLE IS OR THE RELATIONSHIP IS...YOU WILL GET SOME HURDLES, AND YOU WILL HAVE DISAGREEMENTS AND DIFFERENT OPINIONS. MY MOTTO IS " AS LONG AS THE GOOD OUT WEIGHS THE BAD THEN I'M STICKING TO MY MAN"

HE CAN GET ON MY NERVES AND I CAN GET ON HIS...BUT WHEN WE MAKE UP...YEAH MAKE UP IS GOOD.

[9jalover4life 0]

all the advice u recieved was excellent....i just want to add that it takes time to really get into the groove of things..patience patience patience....being in a long distance relationship has taught me that...