Should I leave Him?

[liz111 0]

I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a #######, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a ####### , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do?

[emt103c 10]

I only know what I am reading, but it sounds like definite abuse to me. It sounds like a very scary situation. Please remember that there is help here in the United States. You may feel like you love him, but you cannot afford the danger of being treated in the manner he is treating you.

If you feel like you are in danger please get help. Not having money is not a barrier to getting protection against your this man. What he is doing is both physical AND psychological.

Once you are out of the situation, you will be able to think more clearly. You will be able to decide if there is any chance that his demeanor and treatment of you would improve with counseling. Please do not allow him to hurt you.

This is the National Domestic Abuse Hotline Website and phone number:

http://www.ndvh.org/

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

[emt103c 10]

Oh, and, once you have been married two years, and the conditions are removed, he cannot get you deported. He, in point of fact, is still financially responsible for you for YEARS, after your entry, whether you are married to him or not.

You do need to report the abuse.

[JaHoney 3]

This is clear cut abuse, emotionally and physically. Do not allow him to continue with this behavior. i was a victim of this same type of behavior with my former spouse, and i allowed it for 10 long years because i made excuses for the behavior. I am not certain what part of the states that you live, but often times in most cities there are places that help immigrants and refugees with things that they need, you should look in your phone book under social service organizations, for the listing domestic violence and call them. Even if you dont get the right place on the first try, im sure someone can point you in the right direction. Also if your husband is making you sleep outside, you can also look for womens domestic violence shelters. Most of the time these types of shelters can be found at your local YMCA. Most cities have a Y. These organizations can assist you with getting your own housing, providing you with food, clothing and all types of resources to get on your feet. I am a social worker and have worked closely with victims of domestic abuse in the past. DO not feel that you have no where to turn, i know it is scary, but do what is best for you. I wish you luck and will be praying for you.

[liz111 0]

Oh, and, once you have been married two years, and the conditions are removed, he cannot get you deported. He, in point of fact, is still financially responsible for you for YEARS, after your entry, whether you are married to him or not.

You do need to report the abuse.

Thank you for the reply and for the number. I wish i have the courage to call this number, its so hard to be alone in a foreign country trying to face problems alone. I honestly still in the hope, there is still a chance he will realize he is abusing me. What he is trying to do to me so i can't leave him is threaten me of deportation and that i enter on marriage fraud. How could you consider almost 3 years of living with him and still loving him being a fraud? Obviously, he just dont have a heart and he don't care what will happen to me, all he cares is he wants to make my life miserable. Thank you for the advise and the number, i really appreciate it.

[liz111 0]

This is clear cut abuse, emotionally and physically. Do not allow him to continue with this behavior. i was a victim of this same type of behavior with my former spouse, and i allowed it for 10 long years because i made excuses for the behavior. I am not certain what part of the states that you live, but often times in most cities there are places that help immigrants and refugees with things that they need, you should look in your phone book under social service organizations, for the listing domestic violence and call them. Even if you dont get the right place on the first try, im sure someone can point you in the right direction. Also if your husband is making you sleep outside, you can also look for womens domestic violence shelters. Most of the time these types of shelters can be found at your local YMCA. Most cities have a Y. These organizations can assist you with getting your own housing, providing you with food, clothing and all types of resources to get on your feet. I am a social worker and have worked closely with victims of domestic abuse in the past. DO not feel that you have no where to turn, i know it is scary, but do what is best for you. I wish you luck and will be praying for you.

thank you, i always wish i dont have to end up asking help from someone but i guess i dont have choice now. If i want to get back my self respect then i should probably start it by leaving him. thanks for all the advises. really appreciate it so much. now im right that he is actually abusing me, though he dont want to admit it.

[macutelit 0]

you need to ask help from other, he don't have the right to treat you that way

[KandD 1]

How could you consider almost 3 years of living with him and still loving him being a fraud?

Sweetie, its not fraud, he wants you to think it is cause he is a coward. Just remember an abuser has to isolate their victims so they can brainwash them. You dont deserve this. The longer you stay the worse it may become. Take care of YOU!!!!!

[caybee 21]

The following checklist of behaviors was developed by the New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence to help determine if someone is being abused.

Does your partner. . .

Use emotional and psychological control?

* Call you names, yell, put you down, make racial or homophobic slurs, or constantly criticize or undermine you and your abilities as a wife, partner, or mother?

* Behave in an overprotective way or become extremely jealous?

* Make it difficult for you to see family or friends, or "badmouth" your family and friends?

* Prevent you from going where you want to, when you want to, and with whomever you want to?

* Humiliate or embarrass you in front of other people?

Use economic control?

* Deny you access to family assets like bank accounts, credit cards, or car?

* Control all the finances, force you to account for what you spend, or take your money?

* Prevent you from getting or keeping a job or from going to school?

* Limit your access to health, prescription and/or dental insurance?

Make threats?

* Threaten to report you to the authorities (the police, courts, or child protective services) for things you didn't do?

* Threaten to harm or kidnap the children?

* Make you afraid by using looks, actions or gestures?

* Display weapons as a way of making you afraid or directly threaten you with weapons?

* Use anger or "loss of temper" as a threat to get you to do what he wants?

* Threaten to expose your sexual orientation to friends, family, or employer, if you are gay or lesbian?

* Threaten to report you to INS or immigration?

Commit acts of physical violence?

* Carry out threats to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends, or himself?

* Destroy personal property or throw things around?

* Grab, push, hit, punch, slap, kick, choke, or bite you?

* Force you to have sex when you don't want to or to engage in sexual acts that you don't want to do?

* Prevent you from taking medications or getting medical care?

* Deny you access to food, fluids or sleep?

The above are common tactics used by abusers to control their partners, but not the only ones. Anything that your partner does to restrict your personal freedom, or that make you afraid, could be a indication of domestic abuse.

I highlighted only those things you mentioned very specifically in your post. I almost highlighted a few more. I suspect there are a few more. What you describe is abuse, period.

An active abuser is very unlikely to admit that his/her behavior is abuse, just as an active alcoholic is very unlikely to admit that he/she drinks too much. You are isolated from family and from emotional support aside from him, and that can make it harder to see things as they are. You are dependent on him, so you feel you must believe him, love him, and stay with him. That is a way of coping and survival. But deep inside yourself, you do know the truth, you know he is wrong, and you know things have to change.

Please call an abuse hotline listed in your phone book or that someone here has given you. They will help you make a plan and they will help you step your way through this. You can do it.

[DanielParul 50]

Oh sweets!! You are in my prayers. Just call the number and make sure you are safe first. You don't deserve to be in this situation

[morocco4ever 63]

Why don't you have a job? It not only gives you some cash in your pocket so he can't use that over your head, but it can show you what life in the US is suppose to be like, and give you some independence.

Is there any way you can go to visit family for a long time? This could give him some time to think about it for awhile. Although personally I would never expect an abuser to change.

[*JG* 2]

Send a Private Message to Vawa-2006 on here. I think she can guide you the best of all of us. She's been there done that.

[kjw 0]

I recently got my 10 years greencard. Now my problem is this, me and my husband been married for more than 2 years already but since i been here in the US, my husband has some kind of temper problem. I do love him so much but i guess he is abusive but i really dont know because he always tells me his not abusive. Is it normal that a husband will call his wife different kinds of names such as a #######, a ######...etc...whenever you are fighting? He always calls me different names whenever his mad, he also gets mad when i just cry instead of saying something while he runs his mouth and yells at me. When i make a simple mistake or say some thing that he dont like, it starts the whole fight. i know i can speak english a little better but the fact is im not american, im an asian and i dont expect my english to be perfect but then sometimes on a conversation, i have hard time to explain to him something then he gets mad at me. He also don't give me any money, and since im not working i dont have a single penny on my purse. He do send money to my family overseas every now and then before like the biggest he sent was $90. and he always makes me feel guilty about that, that i should be grateful to him that he send money and he bring me here. he always makes me feel useless...he always blame me for everything. he always say he is always right. There was one time before he pull my hair because we was fighting and he wants to throw me out on the street. and i dont want to go out because i dont have family here, i have nowhere to go. So what he do is he grab my hair and pull it so i would go. he do it a couple of times but i stay in even if im hurt. because im scared to go anywhere outside. he let me sleep outside the house, like on the steps although he wake me up to come up upstairs to bed like 3 am in the morning. My family dont know whats going on with me here, i dont want them to worry about me so i pretend everything is ok. my husband always insult me, like saying i come from a third world country. that im a gold digger, but if i am why is it that i dont have a single penny on my purse? if i want to buy something, i have to ask him but if he dont like what i want to buy then i cant get it because i dont have my own money.he always tells me to leave him but he also always tells me that after i leave him he will call uscis and report me because its a fraud. I honestly dont know what to do, thats the only time he hurt me physically the pulling of my hair. but my problem is he hurts me verbally and emotionally and he thinks its not an abuse. he dont see calling me names, insulting me, yelling at me, screaming on my face, screaming at the top of his lungs so neighbors hear when he calls me a ####### , he dont see that as an abuse. I dont have a job, i dont have money, i have no family here, i feel so alone. My husband is the only man i trusted here but right now, i dont think i could still trust him. And i really dont know what to do. Please someone clear my mind up, am i in an abusive relationship or not? and if i am, will i be deported if i leave him because i feel like im going to die here soon because of all the hurtful things he do and say. Is it my fault that we are financially having a hard time because he has to pay all his money for the uscis process for me? am i being ungrateful because i feel he is abusive? dont i have the right to feel hurt and complain the way he treat me just because he pay everything for my papers? i still love him, thats actually one of the reason i dont have the courage to go away when he tells me to go out of his house coz he dont need me. He said he loves me too, when the fight is over but the thing is it happens over and again, whenever he is not in the mood or we argue, he do the same thing again, calling me names, yelling at me, insulting me and my country just because its a third world country. Its been almost 3 years now but he is still the same way. never change the way he treat me, never give me any money even just 5 bucks for an allowance. He always calls it, its his money, its his car, its his house. sometimes i feel like im just a trash to him. Why he never see he is abusing me verbally? are they going to revoke my greencard if we get divorce. he always tells me that he wants a divorce but he always say after we got our divorce he will make sure my ### got deported to my 3rd world country because of fraud. we been married for almost 3 years and hes the one who wanted the divorce. i dont want a divorce because i dont have a job and any money to start my life over. im scared to start my life over but i also can't take the way he treats me anymore. What should i do? [/b]

Hi,when i read your post my heart felt like squezed. So sorry to hear that. I will pray for you girl that God will find a way to keep you away from that danger man. God bless you girl.

[liz111 0]

Why don't you have a job? It not only gives you some cash in your pocket so he can't use that over your head, but it can show you what life in the US is suppose to be like, and give you some independence.

Is there any way you can go to visit family for a long time? This could give him some time to think about it for awhile. Although personally I would never expect an abuser to change.

I dont have a job because we just got my greencard though its permanent already, we never applied for ead or ap. So we just recently applied for ssn after i got my greencard. I really want to work, i could find a job since i also graduated BS Computer Technology but my husband seem to think that this is all what im waiting for, to be able to work because after all he said im a gold digger. My god, i only want to work because i been stuck in this house for almost 2 years now and its not wrong to want to work especially when he keeps blaming me for a not financially stable life. Thats why even if he dont give me any money, i never really complain to him because i believe what he said that this is all my fault. Because he pay all his money to the uscis. Oh by the way, it still keep on going, him calling me names, just a minute ago before he go to work, him calling me dumb and that's one reason i totally lose confidence of myself. I dont believe i have courage to really face the world alone because he took all the confidence i had before. I should hate him but i still love him. He thinks he is the victim here and i am not and that i should just be grateful for what he did to me. It seems to him, i should repay everything he did for me even if it means i have to just believe in everything he said or any names he calls me. That i dont have any right to complain on the way he treated me just because he brought me here. Thanks for all the advises, im really scared to leave him. Im scared that people will be laughing at me because of a failed marriage, im scared about a lot of things. But i really appreciate all the advises. thank you

[sweetpink 1]

Oh, and, once you have been married two years, and the conditions are removed, he cannot get you deported. He, in point of fact, is still financially responsible for you for YEARS, after your entry, whether you are married to him or not.

You do need to report the abuse.

Thank you for the reply and for the number. I wish i have the courage to call this number, its so hard to be alone in a foreign country trying to face problems alone. I honestly still in the hope, there is still a chance he will realize he is abusing me. What he is trying to do to me so i can't leave him is threaten me of deportation and that i enter on marriage fraud. How could you consider almost 3 years of living with him and still loving him being a fraud? Obviously, he just dont have a heart and he don't care what will happen to me, all he cares is he wants to make my life miserable. Thank you for the advise and the number, i really appreciate it.

he've been treating you like this for almost 3 years now, i don't think realization on his part would come sooner than you think, and if it does I'm hoping it's not too late. Don't wait till things gets worst to physical abuse you need to call a help right now. I do understand that you love him but marriage couldn't stand by just love alone, there has to be RESPECT and compassion for your spouse.

do keep in touch..you have friends here...