Does jealousy vary across cultures?

[anonymoususer 0]

Hi...I am posting anonymously because this is a pretty personal issue and I'd rather not reveal my identity.

While my fiance and I are very close, for the entire length of our relationship he has had a very serious issue with my past and my exes. He simply cannot accept the sexual intimacy in my past and brings it up every single time we argue about anything, even if it is completely unrelated. We have talked this issue to death but nothing seems to change. I don't know what he expects me to do as this is my PAST and I cannot change it now. At times I feel that he has a very low opinion of me - he has even called me degrading names and said very disrespectful things. Most of the time we are great and are very affectionate, but when it gets like that I start to wonder...what are we doing? He grew up in a culutre where women are expected to remain virgins until marriage (although he lost his virginity at relatively young age).

I am incredibly faithful to him and he knows that, but he cannot let go of my past and I'm starting to worry that he never will.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

[sj5 4]

is he virgin when you found him?

he is crazy... run for your life.. it'll be an issued all the time if he don't quit.

Edited May 24, 2008 by SJ

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Sounds familiar. My husband had a problem with this as well and to this day asks me to never mention them. On my part I know he had only one fiance in the past and she died terribly in a tragic traffic accident and her name haunts me so I can understand. However, my husband doesn't call me degrading names or act disrespectful to me. You can't have respect without trust and without trust and respect how can there be love? He may just be young and need to emotionally mature. Do you really have the patience for that? At the same time I wouldn't go further with this guy because he sounds like he has some dangerous thinking patterns.

Ultimatly you know him better than any of us so it's something you will have to reflect on heavily to decide what to do.

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

For Alla & I, what's past is past. Sure it stings for a bit when you first hear about past intimacies of the person you love so deeply. The thoughts and images, but... Evidently those past relations weren't that good. Otherwise, why are they with you in the here and now?

[gabrielle08 0]

Hi...I am posting anonymously because this is a pretty personal issue and I'd rather not reveal my identity.

While my fiance and I are very close, for the entire length of our relationship he has had a very serious issue with my past and my exes. He simply cannot accept the sexual intimacy in my past and brings it up every single time we argue about anything, even if it is completely unrelated. We have talked this issue to death but nothing seems to change. I don't know what he expects me to do as this is my PAST and I cannot change it now. At times I feel that he has a very low opinion of me - he has even called me degrading names and said very disrespectful things. Most of the time we are great and are very affectionate, but when it gets like that I start to wonder...what are we doing? He grew up in a culutre where women are expected to remain virgins until marriage (although he lost his virginity at relatively young age).

I am incredibly faithful to him and he knows that, but he cannot let go of my past and I'm starting to worry that he never will.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

Please always remind him.."(That's the past of your history and it will never be happened again..otherwise it will worse if you both repeated again and again..Trust and Open communication is necessary..Arguing will never solve the problems, better to try understanding , warmth and flexibility and Value your relationship and look forward to your future..not in the past..He became paranoid..he will suffer for it..Don't hold on to the past or pain.They steal your energy and keep you from love...You are on your life now with him and He is your future..Past is something that you learned..

Person who is cling to jealousy destroy themselves, they use energies for dead end feelings which could be channeled into creative solutions. Of course, no one chooses to be jealous, it simply happens. what is essential is to change the values and beliefs which created the response..It becomes an insidious process which keeps us from seeing accurately what there is. It nurtures only itself in making us feel impotent, most often a product of our personal insecurity and low self esteem.....

Like saying' '' Every time you meet a situation , though you think at the time it is an impossiblity and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it . you find that forever after you are freer than you were before.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I was talking to one of my friends about this. She told me jealousy to the extent that he is showing is a sign of a control freak which can lead to an abusive partner.

[sj5 4]

I was talking to one of my friends about this. She told me jealousy to the extent that he is showing is a sign of a control freak which can lead to an abusive partner.

it is true if he doesn't quit talking about her past exes.

Edited May 24, 2008 by SJ

[Sheriff Uling 3]

he has even called me degrading names and said very disrespectful things.

What's disturbing is that he calls you names and says very disrespectful things. On the surface, I would say that he is immature and insecure. These situations don't tend to get better. In fact, they tend to become increasingly worse. To answer your original question. No! I have not seen or dealt with anything like this since high school and college, and as you can tell, I did not marry any of those women. Enough written...

[✿Ice Rain✿ 0]

Respect is very important in all aspect of life, especially to couples.

[RICHIE07 0]

I guess he got some issues .

[David-and-Mae 15]

For Alla & I, what's past is past. Sure it stings for a bit when you first hear about past intimacies of the person you love so deeply. The thoughts and images, but... Evidently those past relations weren't that good. Otherwise, why are they with you in the here and now?

Good point, Kazan! I used to be so jealous to death of all the past relationships (ex-wives, fiancees, ex-gf) my husband had. He was single for almost 15 years and during that period, had relationships with lots of women and was engaged 3 times before he met me. The problem started when I saw pictures of each and every woman he's been with here in our home. I felt insecurities. If I didn't see them, it will never bother me because past is past and even myself had it. My husband threw them away so that I won't have any reasons to be jealous and upset again. Now, things are so much better. And I just realized, why would I let his past affects me? I am his wife now, meaning, those women weren't good enough for him. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here (as Kazan have said).

What matters most now is I am making him happy and contented and he never felt this way before. Even his family and friends can see that.

Jealousy is ok if reasonable because it shows how much you care and love the person you are with. But if it's too much to the extent that it hurts one another in the relationship, it will eventually destroy that relationship and too much jealousy can be so destructive.

--Mae

[caybee 21]

I think part of it may be cultural if he's from a place where women are expected, as you said, to remain virgins until marriage. Both men and women are expected to do that where my husband is from, and he has told me that when a man and woman decide to marry, they and their families expunge any evidence of past relationships (sexual or not) for the sake of the families' honor and the health of the new marriage. (This is assuming there are no children from the past relationships.)

But he did choose you as you are, knowing that you had a past. It's one thing to ask that you don't bring up the past unless it's absolutely necessary (and kids, if you have them, do make it necessary), that you make sure he doesn't run across pictures and so forth, anything that would be painful for him to see, and that you focus your energies on your present life with him. It's quite another thing to call you degrading names and insult your honor because of a past you can't change. If this is really what he thinks of you, why did he choose you? People who marry people they don't respect have some motivation for doing so, and you might ask yourself what that motivation is.

[Niels Bohr 72]

Human emotion is a universal entity. Cultures are a way of living.

[anonymoususer 0]

I think part of it may be cultural if he's from a place where women are expected, as you said, to remain virgins until marriage. Both men and women are expected to do that where my husband is from, and he has told me that when a man and woman decide to marry, they and their families expunge any evidence of past relationships (sexual or not) for the sake of the families' honor and the health of the new marriage. (This is assuming there are no children from the past relationships.)

But he did choose you as you are, knowing that you had a past. It's one thing to ask that you don't bring up the past unless it's absolutely necessary (and kids, if you have them, do make it necessary), that you make sure he doesn't run across pictures and so forth, anything that would be painful for him to see, and that you focus your energies on your present life with him. It's quite another thing to call you degrading names and insult your honor because of a past you can't change. If this is really what he thinks of you, why did he choose you? People who marry people they don't respect have some motivation for doing so, and you might ask yourself what that motivation is.

Thank you everyone for your responses. As you can see, this is something I am struggling with. My fiance is from a country that is culturally similar to where your husband is from, mona_jamie. I suppose when we first met I didn't realize the extreme differences in culture with regards to past relationships and I shared too much information with him. It's strange, because on one hand he absolutely adores me, but this is something that eats him up inisde and I see that whenever we have an argument about something - this issue always bubbles up. I think the thing that upsets him more than anything is that I had a brief relationship with my brother's best friend. I was a teenager and naive and it was very short lived. I suppose I made the mistake of telling my fiance about this when he asked, although I don't know if it is a mistake because I don't want to lie or hide anything. Anyway, he feels that this was very dishonorable and cannot get over it. Especially because my brother is still close with this friend and he lives in the area and I can't help but see him from time to time when my brother invites him to family get-togethers. He knows I can't change that, but he expects me to never be around when this person is with my brother. For the most part, I am not, but I have to be careful because I know it upset my brother a bit that my fiance is so jealous over this old history.

My fiance is not very controlling, in fact, I would say that I am the more dominant and controlling one in the relationship. But, his jealousy and insecurity does lead him to act that way sometimes.

And I do ask him and myself the same question over and over - if this is how you feel, why do you want to marry me? I can see the war that is going on inside himself, he loves me, but can't let this thing go. But, if we are going to have a future together he is going to have to...I just don't know that he will.

[SaadBell 0]

Just be careful what you share, you don't have to go in to details.