Spouse won't forgive & Forget

[sarahaziz 0]

There are a lot of opinions going on here, and each one has value. The only thing is that it is also conflicting.

First off, his culture does rule that a woman obeys her husband. Second, if you grew up here then you don't have the same culture, even though this is how you were brought up. In a sort, you are mixed, and he doesn't understand it.

I know the first time my husband saw me on the webcam hug a guest that was male he totally flipped out. He forbid me to do that to anyone again. Of course I understand his culture, and I also know that a hug is nothing more than a greeting in the US. Of course I agreed, knowing full well that when he got here he would see where I am coming from. I also told him that he must repsect me and do the same with other women. He agreed. So then his friend is married to a British girl, and one visit her mother came. We all spent time together. And when she left she gave him a hug. I could see the look of shock on his face, and he was unsure how to handle it. Of course this didn't really upset me, but I, of course, told him that he broke his promise to me. He said "what should I have done, pushed her away?" Exactly I said, that is exactly how I feel when a friend hugs me. It will never change our love for each other. We no longer have this issue between us.

Your situation is different, he hates his cousin. Now knowing Arabic men I know the worst thing you can do is to tell him no, you will do what you want. In my view, the best way to deal with this is to tell him you love him, respect him, and care only about him. Tell him that if he wants you to smack him you will. This should calm him down enough to be reasonable. Later you can ask him questions about it. Like, "sweetheart, when I smack him do you think it will upset your mother/father?" Will this cause any family problems? Now if he is reasonable he will realize that this is just crazy.

Now, and you must really think about this. If this jealousy does continue, or gets worse, there is a deeper issue. There does come a time when you have to say enough is enough. Hopefully he will see the silliness of his jealousy, but if not you really need to think twice about the entire relationship.

Don't judge the entire relationship on this isolated incident of course. Give it some time, gentleness, and understanding. Hopefully he will gain trust.

I hope my suggestions help.

Thanks it really helps comming from people who have actually experienced what i'm going thru. It's hard to explain my relationship in 1 paragraph my relationship isnt rocky or anything (thank god). No matter what comes or goes he's my husband i'm his wife. I've said some nasty things to him in fights he also said stuff about my family & Things have gotten out of hand but when we were face to face it was never like this he was way to shy to bring up anything besides other men looking at me like i asked them to look at me lol #######?? After talking to him calming him down and explaining my respect and love towards him and "khalid can go fk himself" he agrees it's the distance that makes it so hard and the connection problems via cell phone. It sucks when the connection goes down there especially when we're fighting and he thinks im ignoring his call or something. Those factors contribute so much to a fight rising

[tammy2688 1]

There are a lot of opinions going on here, and each one has value. The only thing is that it is also conflicting.

First off, his culture does rule that a woman obeys her husband. Second, if you grew up here then you don't have the same culture, even though this is how you were brought up. In a sort, you are mixed, and he doesn't understand it.

I know the first time my husband saw me on the webcam hug a guest that was male he totally flipped out. He forbid me to do that to anyone again. Of course I understand his culture, and I also know that a hug is nothing more than a greeting in the US. Of course I agreed, knowing full well that when he got here he would see where I am coming from. I also told him that he must repsect me and do the same with other women. He agreed. So then his friend is married to a British girl, and one visit her mother came. We all spent time together. And when she left she gave him a hug. I could see the look of shock on his face, and he was unsure how to handle it. Of course this didn't really upset me, but I, of course, told him that he broke his promise to me. He said "what should I have done, pushed her away?" Exactly I said, that is exactly how I feel when a friend hugs me. It will never change our love for each other. We no longer have this issue between us.

Your situation is different, he hates his cousin. Now knowing Arabic men I know the worst thing you can do is to tell him no, you will do what you want. In my view, the best way to deal with this is to tell him you love him, respect him, and care only about him. Tell him that if he wants you to smack him you will. This should calm him down enough to be reasonable. Later you can ask him questions about it. Like, "sweetheart, when I smack him do you think it will upset your mother/father?" Will this cause any family problems? Now if he is reasonable he will realize that this is just crazy.

Now, and you must really think about this. If this jealousy does continue, or gets worse, there is a deeper issue. There does come a time when you have to say enough is enough. Hopefully he will see the silliness of his jealousy, but if not you really need to think twice about the entire relationship.

Don't judge the entire relationship on this isolated incident of course. Give it some time, gentleness, and understanding. Hopefully he will gain trust.

I hope my suggestions help.

Thanks it really helps comming from people who have actually experienced what i'm going thru. It's hard to explain my relationship in 1 paragraph my relationship isnt rocky or anything (thank god). No matter what comes or goes he's my husband i'm his wife. I've said some nasty things to him in fights he also said stuff about my family & Things have gotten out of hand but when we were face to face it was never like this he was way to shy to bring up anything besides other men looking at me like i asked them to look at me lol #######?? After talking to him calming him down and explaining my respect and love towards him and "khalid can go fk himself" he agrees it's the distance that makes it so hard and the connection problems via cell phone. It sucks when the connection goes down there especially when we're fighting and he thinks im ignoring his call or something. Those factors contribute so much to a fight rising

totally, the distance and horrible phone lines do NOT help in this!

[morocco4ever 63]

I had to laugh when you said how he reacts when he sees men looking at you. The first time I visited I would walk like I do here, looking people in the face and smiling. Just a friendly gesture here. But the men there thought it meant something different. My husband about blew a gasket. But I explained to him that no matter where we go these things are going to happen, and when you look at it from my angle it is really quite amusing. He finally calmed down and when he sees the look on the mens faces he finally can laugh at it too. Its like they have never seen a woman before!

Its true, the distance can cause a lot of tension, and sometimes we say things we don't mean. Not just that, when they get here we both had to adjust to each other. Although we had been married over 2 years, it was the same as the first year of any marriage.

Now that he has been here over a year now I can't even begin to tell you the peace and happiness we have together. We are finally on the same page in customs, cultures, and lifestyles. Now we spend time planning not just today, but the rest of our lives. I really hope that not just you, but everyone here waiting can see feel the same as we do.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

I read your post and yes there is a definate difference in culture and greetings...my fiance and I have discussed this at length...and what we are both comfortable with and how we feel about it....he is very open with me as I am with him....the issue that bothers me in this scenario is your husband is rehashing an issue from the past...this is never helpful...you both need to work this out...use some open dialogue with I statements and discuss how you both feel...however it is not fair of your husband to rehash an old issue...it gets neither of you anywhere....I wish you luck w/this:) Melinda

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

There are a lot of opinions going on here, and each one has value. The only thing is that it is also conflicting.

First off, his culture does rule that a woman obeys her husband. Second, if you grew up here then you don't have the same culture, even though this is how you were brought up. In a sort, you are mixed, and he doesn't understand it.

I know the first time my husband saw me on the webcam hug a guest that was male he totally flipped out. He forbid me to do that to anyone again. Of course I understand his culture, and I also know that a hug is nothing more than a greeting in the US. Of course I agreed, knowing full well that when he got here he would see where I am coming from. I also told him that he must repsect me and do the same with other women. He agreed. So then his friend is married to a British girl, and one visit her mother came. We all spent time together. And when she left she gave him a hug. I could see the look of shock on his face, and he was unsure how to handle it. Of course this didn't really upset me, but I, of course, told him that he broke his promise to me. He said "what should I have done, pushed her away?" Exactly I said, that is exactly how I feel when a friend hugs me. It will never change our love for each other. We no longer have this issue between us.

Your situation is different, he hates his cousin. Now knowing Arabic men I know the worst thing you can do is to tell him no, you will do what you want. In my view, the best way to deal with this is to tell him you love him, respect him, and care only about him. Tell him that if he wants you to smack him you will. This should calm him down enough to be reasonable. Later you can ask him questions about it. Like, "sweetheart, when I smack him do you think it will upset your mother/father?" Will this cause any family problems? Now if he is reasonable he will realize that this is just crazy.

Now, and you must really think about this. If this jealousy does continue, or gets worse, there is a deeper issue. There does come a time when you have to say enough is enough. Hopefully he will see the silliness of his jealousy, but if not you really need to think twice about the entire relationship.

Don't judge the entire relationship on this isolated incident of course. Give it some time, gentleness, and understanding. Hopefully he will gain trust.

I hope my suggestions help.

Thanks it really helps comming from people who have actually experienced what i'm going thru. It's hard to explain my relationship in 1 paragraph my relationship isnt rocky or anything (thank god). No matter what comes or goes he's my husband i'm his wife. I've said some nasty things to him in fights he also said stuff about my family & Things have gotten out of hand but when we were face to face it was never like this he was way to shy to bring up anything besides other men looking at me like i asked them to look at me lol #######?? After talking to him calming him down and explaining my respect and love towards him and "khalid can go fk himself" he agrees it's the distance that makes it so hard and the connection problems via cell phone. It sucks when the connection goes down there especially when we're fighting and he thinks im ignoring his call or something. Those factors contribute so much to a fight rising

This is typical Algerian if he really loves you...jealous and a little irrational...respect what he wants

[tammy2688 1]

I had to laugh when you said how he reacts when he sees men looking at you. The first time I visited I would walk like I do here, looking people in the face and smiling. Just a friendly gesture here. But the men there thought it meant something different. My husband about blew a gasket. But I explained to him that no matter where we go these things are going to happen, and when you look at it from my angle it is really quite amusing. He finally calmed down and when he sees the look on the mens faces he finally can laugh at it too. Its like they have never seen a woman before!

Its true, the distance can cause a lot of tension, and sometimes we say things we don't mean. Not just that, when they get here we both had to adjust to each other. Although we had been married over 2 years, it was the same as the first year of any marriage.

Now that he has been here over a year now I can't even begin to tell you the peace and happiness we have together. We are finally on the same page in customs, cultures, and lifestyles. Now we spend time planning not just today, but the rest of our lives. I really hope that not just you, but everyone here waiting can see feel the same as we do.

thanks for that, it gives us some peace as well

I had to laugh when you said how he reacts when he sees men looking at you. The first time I visited I would walk like I do here, looking people in the face and smiling. Just a friendly gesture here. But the men there thought it meant something different. My husband about blew a gasket. But I explained to him that no matter where we go these things are going to happen, and when you look at it from my angle it is really quite amusing. He finally calmed down and when he sees the look on the mens faces he finally can laugh at it too. Its like they have never seen a woman before!

Its true, the distance can cause a lot of tension, and sometimes we say things we don't mean. Not just that, when they get here we both had to adjust to each other. Although we had been married over 2 years, it was the same as the first year of any marriage.

Now that he has been here over a year now I can't even begin to tell you the peace and happiness we have together. We are finally on the same page in customs, cultures, and lifestyles. Now we spend time planning not just today, but the rest of our lives. I really hope that not just you, but everyone here waiting can see feel the same as we do.

thanks for that, it gives us some peace as well

[Nasturtium 500]

Alot of topics made me think about my own situation and I think I need some MENA advice from other women cuz I don't know the first thing to marriage!! I've never had a bf before other than my spouse.

Well generally just as a word of future advice-- many men, including MENA men and those with the background that a wife is a "secret keeper" don't like having any problems discussed publically. Or even privately. I know sometimes you've got to do it though. Just tossing that out there Eventually, you'll get to a point where you can figure him out yourself and you won't need any advice.

My spouse has an a*sshole cousin Khalid who always trys to compete and make my spouse look like a loser. I never knew about their little enemy relationship since I knew Khalid since we were kids and played together. Khalid showed me photos of him with his shirt off and I take him like a brother so I didn't know my spouse would think I'd look at him in "that way" After we started dating he brought up the photos and told me everything and said don't ever talk to him again.

So Khalid's behavior is 100% unacceptable, even if you thought about him like a brother-- he is violating his own cultural norms. Would he do this with his other female cousins who were Algerian born and raised? Muslim? if not, then you have a red flag right here about how he sees you. It's definately a violating of Islam if he's Muslim, because he's not "lowering his gaze" nor trying to keep you modest. So you figure your husband sees this kind of behavior and your response in your husband's mind probably should have been to get out, make a scene, and never want to even look at him again. Even in our own culture, a man showing you photos of himself with his shirt off would mostly be a little weird and like a come-on (in a bizarre kind of way, unless he had a reason for this-- like here are my modeling pictures from blah blah. Most men aren't like hey, here's a picture of me without my shirt on!).

When I was at my spouses house after getting the certificate marriage there we had to have a ceremony with henna/food/ dancing in 2 days blah blah. Khalid eventually came to stay in my spouses house to help with the ceremony. It was my sister inlaw my spouse my cousin and khalids mom in one room talking. Eventually Khalid popped in everyone gave salaam to him I gave salaam (Face touching his Face) to my spouses cousin by accident (This was about a year ago). My spouse is extremely jealous in these things his wife is his wife nobody can look or touch her as i feel for him. My spouse wanted to literally smack me but he ended up ignoring me sleeping on the sofa across the room and eventually had a breakdown and cried. He told me not to even say hi to Khalid and I dont know what happened but when he took my hand for salaam on the face i did it on accident!! My husband never ever cried or at least never showed me and to see him go nuts like that I feel so bad. He explained it's really bad since it's his cousin and not mine for me to give him salaam like that.

Ok, techincally your cousin or his cousin doesn't matter-- your husband is Muslim and so both are your non-mahrams. he is also listed as eligible for marriage to you in teh Torah, where Jewish (and therefore Christian) law of marriage is spelled out. How culture plays out can be totally different of course than religion. So your husband is right, it is a violation of culture. But here's where i think he's wrong... you did an accidental thing, you have apologized, and you have asked for forgiveness, right? You have said you will be more careful? And you don't even live in his area anyway. So! Your husband at this point is supposed to forgive you and put this behind him and you. He is being immature to bring it up over and over and he will damage and possibly destroy a marriage through this kind of behavior. It's a lack of trust and forgiveness.

a reading

The above is an unrelated question to this but the answer is really good and has an application to your situation. In my experience, coming at the guy with his own surahs and whatnot make more headway than all the talk you can muster if they are really upset

Its been a year now and he still cant forget it everytime we fight he brings it up. It was only a salaam but i know it's my husbands respect if he said no its no. He said he's hurt because I disrespected him to keep his cousins respect. He said Khalid gave a smile to him like oh wow look at your wife saying hi to me.

Again-- he needs to just get over it. he is acting extremely immaturely. This is part of the "marriage is work" thing you always hear about. if married people kept a grudge about every time their spouse hurt them, there would be no marriage lasting over a couple years. Also? Not your problem what his cousin did or he percieves him to be doing. he has to stop blaming you for his cousin's behavior. That is also immature.

When I told him if he cant forgive me about it then i'll leave him alone. He said divorce never can happen with us. He said I can have sexual relations with another man and he won't leave me he will accept everything in his heart because of love and only 1 woman wife blah blah until he dies. Ok now I feel kind of disrespected he said that but I know he's hurt i talk #### when im hurt too. Our K3 interview is comming up soon and I don't know what to do we've been fighting like this for 2 weeks now despite the good news of a K3. He's always been there for my family to proove the respect for us to marry he's just such a great man I can't believe such a small mistake hurt him big time. He thinks if i could do that I could do even worse and bigger things in USA since USA is more open he doesn't trust me and talks like i can replace him so easily with anothr man.Any advice on how to make him forget that stupid embasrresing incident? What would everybody else do in my shoes

So also? You two need to BOTH stop saying hurtful things when you're mad. Anger is not an excuse for deliberately trying to hurt someone. Anger is not a flag for you to see who can win by hurting the other person the most. That is totally unacceptable behavior in a marriage and leads to irreperable damage. Secondly, one should never bring up divorce unless you mean it. Divorce is not some kind of light threat. This is what the poster a few posts ago meant when he said "two chiuldren" or whatever he was talking about. Although it was a totally non-constructive thing to say which didn't help you AT ALL, he was alluding to the fact it sounds like you both need to cease some behaviors But don't worry, we've all been there and we all had to learn to stop doing this kind of thing. No one is ever without mistakes! And everyone has to really fight the urge to say something hurtful sometimes jsut to make the other person sting.

You say it yourself, he doesn't trust you. So you need to basically sit down with him and talk about trust adn how if he cannot trust you, then you do not have a marriage. Marriages are made from trust. If he will not listen to you, then you can try to go to a religious authority he will listen to and talk about trust between you all.

Anyway, so you can't really fix this, he has to fix his own problem.. but it is fixable So good luck!

[AlHayatZween 2]

Salaam Sarah,

Sorry to hear that you and your husband are arguing a lot, but really it is probably just the distance and you haven't seen him a while. And with your K3 interview coming up, you two are probably even more stressed-out now than you were before... so many changes coming up and so quickly.

My thoughts are this: Your cousin Khalid sounds like a real competitive, pompous jerk. It also sounds like he knows what he is doing. Put him in his place firmly and do it so he makes no mistake that his actions are unacceptable.

My husband is also quite jealous and he gets upset when men even shake my hands. It's difficult for me in Morocco because i know most of his friends and colleagues so when they reach to shake my hand, what can i do? I'm not Moroccan and i don't want to be rude. My husband has gotten very upset over this in the past, and i try to do what makes him feel secure and happy, but some situations are unavoidable. i talked this all over with him and he finally agreed that it is his responsibility to tell the other men not to shake my hand, that i am his wife now.

This is all to say that maybe you can talk to your husband about this calmly. Reassure him that he is the only one for you, and then tell him to kick Khalid's a$$ for his inappropriate behavior (if it ever occurs again).

As for what will happen when he comes to the US, inchallah, i'm sorry, but i have no advice!! Me, too... i don't know what i'm going to do when Hayati comes here and there is all the culture shock of bikinis, boobs and butt-cracks popping out left and right, people making out on the subway, kissey-huggie greetings! Hand shakes will be the last thing he has to worry about??

One step at a time, (F)

Good luck,

hz

[Y's_habibitk 2]

There are a lot of opinions going on here, and each one has value. The only thing is that it is also conflicting.

First off, his culture does rule that a woman obeys her husband. Second, if you grew up here then you don't have the same culture, even though this is how you were brought up. In a sort, you are mixed, and he doesn't understand it.

I know the first time my husband saw me on the webcam hug a guest that was male he totally flipped out. He forbid me to do that to anyone again. Of course I understand his culture, and I also know that a hug is nothing more than a greeting in the US. Of course I agreed, knowing full well that when he got here he would see where I am coming from. I also told him that he must repsect me and do the same with other women. He agreed. So then his friend is married to a British girl, and one visit her mother came. We all spent time together. And when she left she gave him a hug. I could see the look of shock on his face, and he was unsure how to handle it. Of course this didn't really upset me, but I, of course, told him that he broke his promise to me. He said "what should I have done, pushed her away?" Exactly I said, that is exactly how I feel when a friend hugs me. It will never change our love for each other. We no longer have this issue between us.

Your situation is different, he hates his cousin. Now knowing Arabic men I know the worst thing you can do is to tell him no, you will do what you want. In my view, the best way to deal with this is to tell him you love him, respect him, and care only about him. Tell him that if he wants you to smack him you will. This should calm him down enough to be reasonable. Later you can ask him questions about it. Like, "sweetheart, when I smack him do you think it will upset your mother/father?" Will this cause any family problems? Now if he is reasonable he will realize that this is just crazy.

Now, and you must really think about this. If this jealousy does continue, or gets worse, there is a deeper issue. There does come a time when you have to say enough is enough. Hopefully he will see the silliness of his jealousy, but if not you really need to think twice about the entire relationship.

Don't judge the entire relationship on this isolated incident of course. Give it some time, gentleness, and understanding. Hopefully he will gain trust.

I hope my suggestions help.

I think this is good sound advice. Im sure the OP appreciates you sharing a similar experience.

Its hard for someone who has never exerienced "our" culture to understand how you could embrace a "strange man". The fact that this cousin is an enemy is like a futher blow to his honor. Im sure the more you reiterate that you meant no harm and would never do anything to dishonor or embarress him, the more he'll chill out. There is a point however that he either drops it and moves on or he can no longer hold it over your head.. its not fair.

It sounds like you have already had some good advise.

As far as jealousy goes with our guys? Well, I personally think its a little different than when an american/western guy is crazy jealous.. why? this is their culture. Its mostly not some insane power/control thing. Plain and simple.. no man is supposed to touch another's wife (handshakes are ok I guess ). period. just my opinion and observation.

I dont know about your guys, but mine will not budge on this and I dont think he will accept it once he gets here either.

it doesnt bother me at all.. i drifted away from my male friends years ago...

anyway, good luck with the situation.

Lisa

[sarahaziz 0]

My husband's friends always try to shake my hands and I think i see a wince on his face when that happens. But he hides it hes like do it i dont care its nothing. I don't look them in the eye cuz I'm so damn shy but it helps alot cuz If you don't look at em when saying hi they don't physically greet you then. It's acceptable in our culture to greet our own male cousins unless we've never seen them before. I don't do it tho shyness i guess. Just don't like going formally infront of people alot

My spouse actually cries about that situation when it gets so nasty and to the point he thinks about that and only that and how I could've done that. Khalid liked me before and during when my spouse and I were dating I think that contributes alot to how he got hurt so bad but I always left the room when Khalid came and i went to go flirt with my spouse (down-low bf at time) I don't know how the heck I'm going to protect my spouse from "open" women and men here. He doesn't want to make ANY male friends unless they just came from an Algerian village (ha-ha) and girls he said listen when I come there if any of your friends or girls try to say hi to me or touch me I'm going to smack her (good for me but u go to jail if u do that here ) When it's only me and him theres no jealousy but when people are around he's nuts. I think if it lasts only this first year of marriage it's normal if not I gotta do something. Going to a religious figure would be excellent thank you for suggesting that I admire that suggestion so much it truly will fix everything!

[yaziedandlisa 0]

He wants me to smack Khalid

i am with that idea lol !!! the guy wants to show his cousin that his wife isnt intersted in that at all.. and she dont even gave u any attention,,, if i was in ur place the best idea to solve the whole proplem is to ask ur husband what to do and let him forget that,, if his solution is suitbale for u then do it... and its so bad from ur husband couzin to do that,, like hey i can share ur wife with u,, that so shameful and bad.. i am very jealous man and when my wife was here none of my friend looked at her in the eye.. and ask her about that.. u know why? not cuz they fear me.. but they already knows its so bad to that.. and if one of my friends/couzins did something like that i would be so angry .. and that will turn into real fight... i cannt touch any other women face.. how i would do it and her husband beside her!!! the guy is really angry and jealous and all of that i from his love to u... so do as i told u and ask him what shall u do to make him forget it...

thanx

yzd

[yaziedandlisa 0]

There are a lot of opinions going on here, and each one has value. The only thing is that it is also conflicting.

First off, his culture does rule that a woman obeys her husband. Second, if you grew up here then you don't have the same culture, even though this is how you were brought up. In a sort, you are mixed, and he doesn't understand it.

I know the first time my husband saw me on the webcam hug a guest that was male he totally flipped out. He forbid me to do that to anyone again. Of course I understand his culture, and I also know that a hug is nothing more than a greeting in the US. Of course I agreed, knowing full well that when he got here he would see where I am coming from. I also told him that he must repsect me and do the same with other women. He agreed. So then his friend is married to a British girl, and one visit her mother came. We all spent time together. And when she left she gave him a hug. I could see the look of shock on his face, and he was unsure how to handle it. Of course this didn't really upset me, but I, of course, told him that he broke his promise to me. He said "what should I have done, pushed her away?" Exactly I said, that is exactly how I feel when a friend hugs me. It will never change our love for each other. We no longer have this issue between us.

Your situation is different, he hates his cousin. Now knowing Arabic men I know the worst thing you can do is to tell him no, you will do what you want. In my view, the best way to deal with this is to tell him you love him, respect him, and care only about him. Tell him that if he wants you to smack him you will. This should calm him down enough to be reasonable. Later you can ask him questions about it. Like, "sweetheart, when I smack him do you think it will upset your mother/father?" Will this cause any family problems? Now if he is reasonable he will realize that this is just crazy.

Now, and you must really think about this. If this jealousy does continue, or gets worse, there is a deeper issue. There does come a time when you have to say enough is enough. Hopefully he will see the silliness of his jealousy, but if not you really need to think twice about the entire relationship.

Don't judge the entire relationship on this isolated incident of course. Give it some time, gentleness, and understanding. Hopefully he will gain trust.

I hope my suggestions help.

I think this is good sound advice. Im sure the OP appreciates you sharing a similar experience.

Its hard for someone who has never exerienced "our" culture to understand how you could embrace a "strange man". The fact that this cousin is an enemy is like a futher blow to his honor. Im sure the more you reiterate that you meant no harm and would never do anything to dishonor or embarress him, the more he'll chill out. There is a point however that he either drops it and moves on or he can no longer hold it over your head.. its not fair.

It sounds like you have already had some good advise.

As far as jealousy goes with our guys? Well, I personally think its a little different than when an american/western guy is crazy jealous.. why? this is their culture. Its mostly not some insane power/control thing. Plain and simple.. no man is supposed to touch another's wife (handshakes are ok I guess ). period. just my opinion and observation.

I dont know about your guys, but mine will not budge on this and I dont think he will accept it once he gets here either.

it doesnt bother me at all.. i drifted away from my male friends years ago...

anyway, good luck with the situation.

Lisa

[hopeful... 0]

My husband's friends always try to shake my hands and I think i see a wince on his face when that happens. But he hides it hes like do it i dont care its nothing. I don't look them in the eye cuz I'm so damn shy but it helps alot cuz If you don't look at em when saying hi they don't physically greet you then. It's acceptable in our culture to greet our own male cousins unless we've never seen them before. I don't do it tho shyness i guess. Just don't like going formally infront of people alot

My spouse actually cries about that situation when it gets so nasty and to the point he thinks about that and only that and how I could've done that. Khalid liked me before and during when my spouse and I were dating I think that contributes alot to how he got hurt so bad but I always left the room when Khalid came and i went to go flirt with my spouse (down-low bf at time) I don't know how the heck I'm going to protect my spouse from "open" women and men here. He doesn't want to make ANY male friends unless they just came from an Algerian village (ha-ha) and girls he said listen when I come there if any of your friends or girls try to say hi to me or touch me I'm going to smack her (good for me but u go to jail if u do that here ) When it's only me and him theres no jealousy but when people are around he's nuts. I think if it lasts only this first year of marriage it's normal if not I gotta do something. Going to a religious figure would be excellent thank you for suggesting that I admire that suggestion so much it truly will fix everything!

Good Lord. Saying hi or shaking hands is something to smack someone over??? This isn't cultural, it's nuts.

[sarahaziz 0]

I guess we're culturally different then friend!

Respect is held extremely high back home. My spouse wasn't serious about smacking him btw.

Edited March 18, 2008 by sarahaziz

[hopeful... 0]

I guess we're culturally different then friend!

Respect is held extremely high back home. My spouse wasn't serious about smacking him btw.

Again, I disagree. I am tired of hearing "culture" as an excuse for irrational, immature, and even violent behavior. My husband's culture is different from mine, and if he ever dreamed of smacking me, a male friend, or a female friend, he's be GONE. It's not a cultural thing, it's an individual choice. As far as you calling it "respect", I have to disagree. It's control. Your quote was that he "literally wanted to smack" you. And that kind of stuff never gets better, only worse.

The fact that you've questioned it here shows that even you are wondering about the rationale behind it. Otherwise you'd have accepted it and no need to pose a question on it.

If you think so little of yourself to submit to any man who is demonstrating such out of control thoughts/behaviors (and, frankly, in my opinion to submit to ANY man is irrational, you are an equal IMO), that is your choice, I suppose. But, remember, there are men from every culture who truly respect women and behave like mature, clear thinking human beings, and they don't use "culture" or "religion" to excuse the ridiculous and absurd.

Best of luck to you figuring it all out.