roseTX

My fiance loves flowers, so I'll be greeting her at the airport with a beautiful bouquet and plenty of kisses to welcome her to her new country. When she enters her new home, she will be instantly surrounded by Debussy's piano playing on the sound system and a pathway of petals, leading to both the bathtub and the bed, with a bottle of bubble bath and massage oil at each, respectively, to allow her to soak in and relax, something much needed after a long stressful flight and huge time difference. How's that for a romantic and memorable initiation? She won't have to worry about doing anything else until the next day. She will have one more gift to wake up to, however - her own real nice new smartphone, already activated, as the one she has now will be useless here of course. She'll appreciate it, as it will help her feel connected right away with that.

You should give the gifts that come straight from Nibbie's heart
First & foremost =
1) Health certificate confirming you're HIV negative.
And all the other things that tell her why Niblet loves her =
2) Vacuum
3) Mop
4) CR cleaning kit
5) Broom & Dustpan
6) Cookware
7) Cooking Utensil Set
Oh..& be sure to stock up on NoDoze - so she don't go to napping when there's work to be done.

Okay so you met 6 months ago. Knowing how slow the process is.. you filed immediately after meeting?
What question was she asked? and what did she answer?
Do you send her money? If so, stop. This is a common scam to get money from an American. Contact the embassy yourself (via email or whatever) and ask about the interview. One guy did this found out his fiancee never even attended the interview and he was and had been being played for money (money for a medical she never attended, money for a hotel for the interview she never attended, money for travel there when she never went, money for the visa fee... you catch my drift).
We need more facts before we can really help.
**Edit - if she IS using you (or even if she isn't) then of course her friends and family would lie to you about her being a prostitute). They want her in the US earning American money to send home.

I don't really think comments about the marriage or 'there is life beyond the US' are the point. Surely if she is from outside the US, she knows this full well. It is her right to stay here if she chooses to. It's not her fault she married an abusive louse.
If her green card is in process, I would have her immediately make an Infopass appointment at her local USCIS office and let them know she has left the marital home and why she has left. If the green card were to get approved, it would be mailed to her husband (assuming she used their joint address as the one on the green card application) and she may have a heck of a time getting that from him. She will not be removed or denied her green card because her marriage broke down. She just needs to act in a way to protect both herself and make sure she has her green card in her possession to prove her status here. She'll likely need it as she moves to create a life without him.

Let me get this straight. Are you an American, trying to be smartass about Filipinos? You obviously generalized in your statement that all Filipinos conform to your idea. Well, just letting you know that I don't send money to my family in regular basis, but mostly gifts, so they don't live like "one-day billionaire". They worked hard to buy what they wanted, not sucking money from me to make themselves look good. And I will gladly invite you to our house in the Philippines, to show to you that our ceramic floor is shinning even though we don't have helper.
Your statement is implying that all Filipinos are like that. You are talking in particular with a very limited basis. If Filipinos spend money the way you imply, then, why there's rich Filipinos, there shouldn't be because you said Filipinos spend all their money to look good and doesn't care about the future.
I saw a lot of crazy Americans, so should I say that Americans are crazy? Or should I say "some Americans are crazy as there are Americans that don't do crazy things."
My two cents, every culture have their own flaws but you can't conclude that every individual belong on certain culture is the same.

Saylin, Saylin, Saylin,
Interview dateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee: January 12th, 2012. I am so excitedddddddddddddddddddddddddddd!!!

nyahahahaha!!! very funny! i wonder what Gretchen has to say to all of these... does she even know that her future hubby "broadcasted" their lives here???? Dios Mio! Muy Mal!!!!

the innuendos/swipes at the op and general stereotyping need to cease.

Your posts are getting weirder and weirder. Do you expect anyone to believe that pile of jebs?
Do you even realize that Markieboy is Filipino? Sheesh...
I'm going to enjoy reading the responses from the rest of the tribe!!!
By the way, I find it strange that you would whine about how your inlaws are pissing away money, then go on to describe how you didn't stick to your own budget.
It must be h*ll when a control freak loses control.
Gretchen...we will pray for you!
OK tribe...Magdasal na tayo.......

Darren, I haven't said much yet, but have read all of your threads this past month. As some have said, I think you have a serious lack of ability to express yourself as you mean to. At least, I HOPE that's what it is that's leading to all your woes.
But about the money... it's wonderful that you sent it. And I know full well money doesn't grow on trees. But you sent it. It's gone. The moment it left your bank, it was NO LONGER YOURS, and unless you sent a certain amount of money, with instructions on how to spend it, it's none of your business how it got spent. And since you brought it up first... if you didn't have the money just laying around to throw at the trip, then you could have saved LOT by staying in the US and working. Not only would you have completely eliminated all the SLEC and USEM drama, you would have saved all the costs of YOUR travel, plus you would have a paycheck this week. Not the smartest decision you could have made, considering your dire financial status now.
And another thing... why even mention the PHP160,000 that you have sent? Do you think it matters to anyone here? That is personal business, and you should know better than publish it publicly. And FWIW, considering the amount of time you were sending it, it really isn't all that much. More than they had before, and I am sure it was appreciated by Gretchen's family, but not an amount worthy of bragging about (or complaining about, depending on your point of view) on VJ. If you have it to send, and won't miss it, by all means, share away. But quit trying to make it sound like you are some sort of champ because you did. Most on here do. And even if they send less in total than you, I am sure it is a significant part of ALL their budgets, trying to help out another family halfway around the world.
I understand where you are coming from, saying Gretchen "is yours". While it is a foreign concept to many of us, my Asawa has told me that is how she feels about our relationship... she is "giving herself" to me; she "is mine". But bear in mind that it means more about fidelity, love, honor, and commitment than it does anything physical. As long as the respect, love, & fidelity are given back equally, you will be alright, in spite of how it may sound to some on here. I'm sure if I don't treat her as an equal, she will slap the (insert your favorite expletive here) out of me, and set me straight, or leave me for someone who WILL respect her.
As for the MIL part of it, you have been given some good advice thus far. Namely, like them or not, agree or not, they are now part of your family. And while Gretchen may love you, which I am sure she does, as much as she knows how, remember that she has been loving her mama for 100% of her life, and you only 3.5% of it. Blood/water was mentioned, and is very true. Respect her parents as much as you love Gretchen, and it will prolly work out ok for you. And to help sweet, young Gretchen understand the money situation, a monthly tally of your income and expenditures for the past few months, as well as the future, might help a lot. People who aren't used to the money that Americans "throw around" have virtually no grasp on what bills and such cost over here. A good example was when my fiancee and I were discussing plane fares... Our round trip for two from MNL to TAG is costing me a whole $178. Imagine her surprise to find out that a visit to my parents from Alaska will be more like $800 EACH. Absolutely no frame of reference to someone who has never traveled outside the PI.
Good luck to both of you, you're both gonna need it. And while this piece of advice may seem counter-intuitive, you may wish to seek advice from those that know you better than most on here.
Best wishes to you and Gretchen!

Darren, you voluntarely paid all the money to impress her family so you could gain a 19 year old in your possesion. You have'nt had her here one week and turned into a Control Addict. Your not even married yet but now you have her here and laying down your rules.
You have Issues. Are you going to hide her in the closet and only take her out of it when you decide. She is a young child (Adult) and will learn what you were and what your turned into. How are you going to act when she adjusts and meets other Pinays and they look at her situation with you and your behavior. Your butt is cooked. She will get smart.
You taken a young woman from her Villidge and promised the world and in less than a week destroyed all that but she don't see it yet. Oh, she will see eventually. And you are stuck. Modify your behavior.
You taken advantage of this young ladies life. You brought her to the States and now wish to be treated like a King from a 19 year old.
She is going to notice other men/husbands wifes. She is trapped. And she will get out of that trap eventually.
You talk about money in all your replys. No trust and even doubts. Well, you did it.
You would be a fool to not realize Sucker! Blood is thicker than water and your blood is running thin and crystal clear.
I just hope after the fake presentation you showed over there did not shame the family.
They trusted you. Now your complaining. Never heard of Marrigde Counsil before being married. YOU HAVE ISSUES Darren. Your behavior will intensify because Grethchen is pretty and men will look. She is going to be your wife and not a barbie doll to hide in the closet and pull out when you want to play with it.

Okay, I'm assuming that you really are sincere when you're asking how to deal with mama in law? So, I'm going to just answer that question and ignore all the controversial parts of the post.
I'm going to assume that you meant the part about respecting Gretchen's parents; but the problem is, your actions don't seem to show that respect. If mama doesn't want Gretchen associating with certain people, I think it's disrespectful to totally ignore her wishes. Plus, you haven't even told Gretchen that the people will be at the wedding. Doesn't Gretchen get to help decide that? Would Gretchen want to go behind her mother's back? You're showing a lack of respect to both Gretchen and her mother.
You also have a problem with mama trying to influence Gretchen. If you have respect for the person Gretchen is, then you should have respect for her mother because there is probably nobody who has been more influential in her life. And to start talking about the gravy train also shows a lack of respect. You get to make all the decisions now because you're the man with the money. Do you seriously want to say that? What happened to the respect?
My advice is start showing real respect to her parents and even more importantly, show respect to Gretchen. Don't make decisions without her being a part of it. Don't deceive the mother in law. Think about the point of view of others. And do a lot more listening.
Hope that helps.

from st.lukes problem til ther...mmmm its like ur so strict huh

My input.....it's not what you say, it's how you say it. Often times the intended audience gets caught up in how things are presented and not the message that was attempted to be relayed.....Public speaking 101. Works in the real world too. If one's going to use controversial terms and language then it should be explained in detail to defuse any unintended fallout.
Bob

First of all, I know you already understand your mistakes but I just wanted to vent and make sure you understand it fully. The system you blamed for protecting her was the same one you refused to protect you from this evil woman and stood in the way even investing a lot of time and money. Do not blame the system because you did not want its protection. She was heading to hell and you endangered yourself, your mother and your children by saving her while you clearly understood she was not nice to any of you. In America, there is something called "choice". She chose the road to hell by trying to manipulate the system to get unfair benefits. She was caught in the process. You should have respected her choice and allow her to pickup the consequences. Yes, I do understand that you were acting a good husband (way too good), but I also expect any father would protect his children. You did not. I am not sure whether I should blame her evil behavior or your lack of good judgment. Yes you deserve sympathy and I am really sorry, but I am so sorry for the kids who deserved far more step-mother (or a father who would go to great lengths to protect his kids, if the mom turns bad). They are the real victims here.
OK that being said, my first advice to you is apologize to your kids. Talk to them the first chance you got and cry in front of them and show you are sorry about all that happened. Tell them you were trying your best to get a caring mom but like some people do, you run to a bad woman. Show them you care. They would at least understand that they still have you as a father and not the husband of that woman they were so scared off. Make sure you tell them it is over and she is never coming back and she will never hurt them again.
Second, fire that attorney. Do not pay him any more money. When you are firing him, make sure you tell him he failed you and your innocent children and could not stand for their rights. In case he was in cahoots with the defense attorney, make him feel so guilty and tell him he ruined your life and worse the lives of children and not worthy your trust anymore.
Do not listen to his advice and report the crime (the threats, the knife over the children, the bruises everything) to the Children Protective Services. Trust me, they have child physiologist who would get the truth out of those kids and most judges would respect their findings. It takes one single felony charge to ruin her chances of staying here. I am going to repeat that. It takes only one single felony charge for her to loose whatever legal status she has here. It does not matter even if she got her 10 year green card. If she is found guilty of endangering children, she is out.
Another thing you should remember is that if you do not fight for your survival, nobody will. Not an attorney, not a judge, not any one else. Her attorney is good probably she is pushing him and manipulating him like she did for the last 2 years. You should grow some teeth and fight like a father and like a man and make your attorney or the judge fight for you. I know, with your story, I could present myself and convince any judge that this woman was a pure evil and deserved nothing but a jail and deportation. I don't need a lawyer or legal knowledge to show her evil maneuvers through the system - because it is as white as ice. She is here because you sponsored her. She is out of jail and deportation processing because you decided to stand in the way. She is ruining your life and your children because you tolerated her far more than anyone could have. Are you going to sit around and hope she will leave your alone? I guarantee you this will go on and on until you decide to put an end to it and work hard and fast to show the judge her true colors.
Talk with the ICE. Mention how she left the exact last day of the period the judge ordered her to stay. Mention how she endangered the children. Basically tell the ICE everything.
Last, I am really sorry about all that happen to you. Even though you made some terrible judgments, no one deserves to go through this. I do hope that you keep your children safe and make sure their property and wellbeing are protected.

"The whole Philippine, support thing is totally backwards in my opinion. It seems the parents want their kids cut short their education and get to work and send money. In our culture, the parents want a better life for the children, and are happey when the daughter marries someone that can provide for them. Here it seems thay just want a handout -- very repugnant!"
For one, please don't generalize. Although helping our family members or relatives is deeply embedded in our culture/psyche as Filipinos, each family/individual is different. My Ma does not have a pension or a stable income as a small time organic farmer but she never force me or my brother (we're both adults and have stable jobs) to support her or give her money. She raised us single-handedly when our father abandoned us when we were kids, he never sent alimony or anything. That's why if we ever give our Ma any support which doesn't happen every month (only when we have something to give her,) it is out of love and respect for what she has done/sacrificed to raise us.
Two, help your fiancee educate her parents/family. It is a common misconception among Filipinos that most Americans/Westerners are rich. Help them understand where you're coming from and what you have. Sometimes, they're just concerned you might not be able to support or give their daughter a good life. They just don't know how to express their thoughts. Like the previous posters said, we Filipinos are very relational and family-oriented. We test/measure/equate intentions with material things or external gestures. Gifts or support (money) could mean to your future in-laws a better life, a responsible or generous husband for their daughter.
My fiance (USC) and I have early on talked about financial matters even if it is a very sensitive subject. We've come up with guidelines/compromises. We always try to split the costs in everything. He doesn't (has not) help any of my family and I don't/won't require him to. But he does help me with the fiancee visa expenses and the wedding.
Also, please be reminded that this is a public forum. Anyone can see/read your messages. Try to restrain your emotions, some people might misunderstand what you post here and others might think you are discriminating the Filipino culture/people. We have flaws too, we're not perfect.
If this is a deal-breaker for you, I think it will be best to talk about this matter with the concerned people (fiancee and family) first.