~happyndinlove~

John,
Well... sh!t. This is a difficult challenge. On the surface. (but) IMO, is solvable. Let me start off by stating....1) I think you are good at expressing your POV via written communication. (so) I'm gonna quote a few parts of your op and respond (as how I interpret your meaning). I apologize if I miss the mark of your intent. 2) I'm not confident many people will agree with my pov. (but) Here goes....,
This being part of your opening statement and this being part of your closing statement...,
Makes me think you are using the "American Way" as an argument and leverage in your Fil-Am marriage. It also seems (to me) you are discrediting her feelings / rationale by pointing out infrastructure inadequacies and age difference.
Which is more important...your wife and marriage or the American way of doing things?
Day to day? As in... Day to day? as in... very very often? ....as in..every day
I wonder why you were granted full custody. Was this simply logistics settled between you 2 or was it a result of a court order?
I ask because...I wonder if your ex has some negative "history" that might be alarming..in the situation.
(but) This was with the distance and contact limitations of your ex living in Texas. Now she is front and center to be involved with the kids (and of course you and your wife) "day to day".
A very comfortable, safe and low threat distance.
That statement has so many wrong opportunities...too many to list...Why are you letting your ex advise your wife?!!!!
John...dude...seriously...KEEP YOUR EX AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE!!!
DO NOT...I REPEAT...DO NOT EVER COMPLIMENT YOUR EX WIFE FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER!!!!
Okay...I doubt I will be able to post any more quote boxes. I bet I already hit the limit. I will wing it from here.
I have no doubt your wife is sick and tired of hearing about your ex. She married you. She accepted your kids. It now seems it is becoming a ...you + your ex + the kids...and (maybe..I wrote... maybe)your wife is now.. a tag along. Has she referred to herself as the nanny / housemaid yet? (no...that is not sarcastic..that is a serious question)
Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you feel if her ex husband was the one playing the part of you ex wife? Your kids are their kids? She is the one on the phone with her ex...she is the one talking about her ex "every single" time.
I'm confused. Why does your wife say it's okay to talk with the ex about the kids but then becomes upset? What else are you talking about? Are you joking around? Laughing? Chit chatting? Extending verbal courtesies?
John..I have a lot more to write but...I'm rambling on too much and I'm aware I might be viewed as "screeching on a soapbox".
I will try to sum up...,
#1 Back your ex wife off... completely...until you and your wife resolve this.
#2 Accept the fact...your wife is not happy with the current situation...if your marriage is top priority...time to prove it.
(I will stop here...maybe come back later with a few more thoughts. John...you are one of my VJ buddies...Please don't be upset with my frankness and POV. I'm not trying to harsh you...just stating my POV. I thought to PM this but...well...I think you want responses via this thread.)

I just find it funny reading posts and comments here sometimes. The American husbands talk like they are an expert on Filipino cultures especially when it comes to family, money, marriage and education.

When I fly with two bags for international travel I get no extra charge for having two checked bags on the domestic leg (in the states), I am flying the same airline all the way through. Not sure if that is standard with all airlines

As said, I was not charged for having a second bag on the domestic part of the trip, three flights now.

No.

Incorrect.
I presented my frustration and asked for feedback. I started the thread seeking a clearer understanding why..,
1) Some posters use the term "my Filipina" and
2) Some posters "seem to" consider all Filipinas made from the same mold (so to speak).
Is this your answer to my questions?
Kudos! You recognize the obvious.
Agreed.(but) Did you read..where I wrote "many but not all"? (or) "often but not always"?
I suggest you consider the entire post so you don't cast an assumption next time. You know the saying?...what happens when you assume...? " U make an #### out of U and ME".

Well then, stop distorting and misrepresenting what I say. I had been continually discussing the documentation requirements section of the US Embassy website. However, you accuse me of ranting about the embassy letter wording! ...Weird, very very weird.
Either your reading comprehension is abysmal, or you are consciously or unconsciously distorting what I'm saying.
No, it did not. I have the PDF in front of me, I can post the entire thing here if you like. Again, please read what I'm saying if you want to seriously discuss this with me.
Ok, once again, for your benefit, I keep referring to the section of the website that mentions CENOMAR and how I referenced that prior to the interview (so yes, clearly I've heard of it). Second, I've mentioned I brought the NSO copy of the marriage certificate/contract, which is also mentioned as a requirement on the same site. Third, I've mentioned how other married couples were not asked for a CENOMAR or CEMAR who similarly brought their copy of the NSO marriage certificate/contract. Fourth, I've also mentioned how still other couples were not as lucky (like us), and were asked for a CENOMAR/CEMAR despite bringing their NSO marriage contract. Fifth, I've pointed out the wording on the website as-is is factually wrong, and communicated that to the embassy. They have stated it will be passed on to the people responsible for maintaining and updating the page - which in its current state, looks like its in a transitional state (formatting is different between require documents 1-10 and 11-12). Finally, I've pointed out there is no mention of a CENOMAR or CEMAR of the Embassy letter I am staring at right now, the PDF copy I have and can post here if you like.
I seriously hope that helps clarify my position and what I'm trying to do here, which is discuss the issues with the clarity of wording regarding what married couples need to bring. If I can bring this issue to the forefront and possibly help someone else before they make the same mistake, then great.
Update: i see you amended your last reply to say I've not asked for "help". Clearly, I thought the "help" need (either just from an understanding of the process or otherwise) was implicit in the dialogue. So then, here you go:
I'm looking for "Help" or "Guidance" or "feedback" on the issues aforementioned. Thanks!
P.S. Others did figure that out without an explicit SOS in the virtual sand. For someone, like yourself, that seems to flaunt their powers of reading between the lines, you seem to fall flat on your face in my case.

LOL. I've never said anything about any wording in the embassy letter. Again, I've continued to discuss what is on the embassy web site. However, since you mention it, I directly quote from the embassy letter that I received below.
I did not bring the wrong document. I quote directly from the required documents section of the US Manila Immigrant Visa web page:
6. MARRIAGE RECORDS (if applicable): For Philippine marriages, the copy of the marriage certificate must be printed on National Statistics Office (NSO) security paper. If the marriage ended by divorce, annulment, disappearance or death of the spouse, legal and/or civil documentation must be presented attesting to the termination of the marriage (annulment decree, death certificate issued by NSO and printed on security paper, a foreign divorce decree, or foreign death certificate).
Do you read that? "For Philippines marriages, the copy of the marriage certificate must be printed on ...". We brought exactly that.
I'm now looking at my PDF copy of my embassy letter sent to me and my attorney. It says:
"IMPORTANT INFORMATION
Please read and follow all Interview Preparation Instructions located on the Department of State's web site
at: www.ImmigrantVisas.state.gov, under the "Prepare for your visa interview abroad" link."
Which is exactly what I did , and what I keep referring to in my replies here. I quote directly from that site:
"Review the U.S. Embassy/Consulate General-specific Interview Guidelines."
That section then includes the specific embassy links to review said guidelines, which is where the above quote on "Marriage Records" comes from. Nowhere on my embassy letter is ANY MENTION OF A CEMAR. NOWHERE.
At this point, I can only assume you are trolling me due to your continued distortion or misrepresentation of what you like to point out are my continued "rants". Please do me a favor, and stop "helping" me. Thanks "HANK_AMY".

Honey, that's the crux of the problem.

I have been a member on this site since 2009. I have seen / read lots of stereotyping, racism, insulting and degrading posts directed to Pinays in many different ways. These comments come from the same (ole and new) guys over and over. Now, tell me that these men are just kidding each time they post their disgusting comments. Apparently, your understanding about this (what I consider despicable) behavior is different from mine.
How could you throw your own under the bus? Ridiculing them for how they react to the (endless disgusting) stereotype? Kids cannot communicate their wants very well because they're just kids. Yet, their parents understand and love them inspite of their poor communiation skills. The "men" perpetrating stereotypes aren't kids anymore. I agree that some people are not perfect at communicating, but that doesn't (and will never) justify the degradation and insults these "men" pour onto Pinays.
While I agree with your first^^ sentence, I disagree with the rest. My husband has never categorized me or held me suspect as one of the "rotten" ones. Had he ever treated me as one of the "rotten" ones in any way whatsoever hmmmm, let's say the consequences would be DIRE!! Allowing yourself to be "generalized" is the same as allowing yourself to be stereotyped and complicit with the offense. My heritage is Filipino. My name is Eileen. My life story is unique as is yours. I will not compromise my individuality.
I personally did not listen to the seminar at the CFO simply because I did not need their BS.

Very good input. Thank you.
(for my wife and I) It's both. Term and intent.
What / how someone else refers to their spouse is their "right" and none of my business.
(but) When the term is (1st) used to pigeonhole an idividual (the individual being their SO) to nationality...(sometimes considered) insinuates others of same nationality have similar tendencies. This strips individuality and transforms the person into a national "product". (and 2nd) Unwarranted discriminating stereotype is cast when the "my" becomes an implied or stated "all".
Well...that's a big :no:

It is self-righteous and arrogant to vilify someone before hearing their side of the story. Why would throw one of your own under the bus so quickly? Do you know her?

For some reason, in the US, we classify groups of people. Therefore, we have names like Arican-American, Asian-American, even Filipino-American. I don't necessarily like the fact that we do this; but there's no point in pretending that we don't.
But, it isn't a common thing in the US to refer to an individual by their classification. It definitely is not common to refer to somebody as "my African"; and I don't see why it would be acceptable to refer to a spouse as "my Filipina". It is a term of classification, not a term of endearment.

Tahoma...that's one thing I like about you...you don't beat around the bush... you are very good at getting right to it. Very proficient.
That's what I'm talking about. No wasted words. No wasted time.

I find no issue with "my wife or my husband", when talking I've used the expression "my wife or more likely "my Bride" a million times at least.
I have never used the term my Filipina, in fact the word is never a thought in my mind, it would be like my wife thinking of me as "my kano" or "my American".... a totally stupid thought all the way around.

If I said all young women from a certain part of the world, as is suggested by members of another regional forum here on Visa Journey, are all extremely well educated, thrifty, beautiful, skinny, can field strip firearms, drop a buck at 2000 meters, and must be satisfied sexually three times a day, would you say that is a cultural norm, or an unwarranted stereotype?

I'm not disputing the existence of acceptable steotypes. I'm asking for examples. Examples might demonstrate contrast and assist my point. Acceptable / unacceptable.
Let me try prime the pump...,
Visualize...Rice Farmer.
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Visualize...homeless drunk.
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Visualize...A Banker.
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Dan,
1st) Thanks for your feedback. I am interested in learning other POV's and think an open minded discussion will be beneficial. (to myself and hopefully others)
2nd) You're making me work harder. I'm having to copy and paste your comments.
My primary issue (regarding this 1 point) is the use of "my". Why describe an individual as "my" followed with...nationality?
Let's play this word combo out with a few more examples. My car...my house...my clothing...my dinner...my dog...my boat...my wife...my husband.
Having never heard...my American..I am confused why..when it comes to a Filipina...it suddenly becomes norm to use the combo..."my Filipina". Is it because the Pinay is so unique..that she deserves to be..objectified? (and) By objectifying...does that increase or decrease the value of the individual?
I think yes...some men are predators preying on vulnerability (naive youth desiring to help their family) and desperation (seeking a fix to family poverty). The predators make a deal with the prey. An acquisition is secured.
IMO, Stating Filipina women are praying harder than anywhere in the world is pure conjecture. Is it your opinion cast onto all Filipinas?
You choosing the word "caught" is interesting. (freedictionary.com) Caught = 1. To capture or seize, especially after a chase. 2. To take by or as if by trapping or snaring. You think all Filipinas desire to be "caught"?
Current tsismis in my wife's barangay. An Aussie arrived at the home of his "GF". She was supposed to meet him in Manila but was not there. He hired transportation and made his way to her family home in Leyte. He is informed (by her parents) that she does not want to continue their relationship (coz she is in Boracay with another "suitor"). He doesn't leave. Nope. He stays and stays and stays...because the parents offered their other daughter to him and he decided to take her for a test drive. In the family home. He's been there for 2 weeks now. That Aussie is a "predator" taking advantage of desperation.
My point... he believes that his 3 failed marriages makes him an expert on Filipina mindset. (if) The man is indeed an expert on Filipina mindset. 1) he must be Omnipresent and 2) why did he divorce 3 times?
Please provide examples of "right" stereotypes.
IMO, Using the word "majority" is pure conjecture. Please link it with stats.
Beyond repair? Please expound.
IMO, The guy in the above quote should use words like...some...few..the 1's I've been exposed to. Not..."the" and "they".
Dan..I will take a break here. I need some more coffee and I will come back with responses to the rest of your post.
Seriously...I do appreciate the opportunity to discuss this with you. I see you put some thought and energy into your post (as have others) and I want to give my time time and energy to respond properly.

I posted (earlier today) that a Pinay suggested I find a Filipina for a wife. I asked her..."Why Filipina"? Her response..."Because..unlike American women busy building a career..a Filipina will make her marriage top priority".
I admit...I became a bit more interested when this "stereotype" was laid on me. (but) I know... SOME... Pinay will make their marriage top priority and SOME won't. (and) SOME (any nationality of the world) women will pick a career over marriage while another chooses her marriage.
IMO...Priorities are driven by an individual's core value system.

A number of off-topic posts attempting to derail this thread have been removed. The discussion is not about mail-order brides, it is about the use of stereotypes and racist/sexist comments by American spouses discussing their Filipina wives and fiancees as expressed here on Visa Journey.
Continued attempts to derail the thread with off-topic posts will result in a thread-ban.

I have been a member on this site since 2009. I have seen / read lots of stereotyping, racism, insulting and degrading posts directed to Pinays in many different ways. These comments come from the same (ole and new) guys over and over. Now, tell me that these men are just kidding each time they post their disgusting comments. Apparently, your understanding about this (what I consider despicable) behavior is different from mine.
How could you throw your own under the bus? Ridiculing them for how they react to the (endless disgusting) stereotype? Kids cannot communicate their wants very well because they're just kids. Yet, their parents understand and love them inspite of their poor communiation skills. The "men" perpetrating stereotypes aren't kids anymore. I agree that some people are not perfect at communicating, but that doesn't (and will never) justify the degradation and insults these "men" pour onto Pinays.
While I agree with your first^^ sentence, I disagree with the rest. My husband has never categorized me or held me suspect as one of the "rotten" ones. Had he ever treated me as one of the "rotten" ones in any way whatsoever hmmmm, let's say the consequences would be DIRE!! Allowing yourself to be "generalized" is the same as allowing yourself to be stereotyped and complicit with the offense. My heritage is Filipino. My name is Eileen. My life story is unique as is yours. I will not compromise my individuality.
I personally did not listen to the seminar at the CFO simply because I did not need their BS.

I have been a member on this site since 2009. I have seen / read lots of stereotyping, racism, insulting and degrading posts directed to Pinays in many different ways. These comments come from the same (ole and new) guys over and over. Now, tell me that these men are just kidding each time they post their disgusting comments. Apparently, your understanding about this (what I consider despicable) behavior is different from mine.
How could you throw your own under the bus? Ridiculing them for how they react to the (endless disgusting) stereotype? Kids cannot communicate their wants very well because they're just kids. Yet, their parents understand and love them inspite of their poor communiation skills. The "men" perpetrating stereotypes aren't kids anymore. I agree that some people are not perfect at communicating, but that doesn't (and will never) justify the degradation and insults these "men" pour onto Pinays.
While I agree with your first^^ sentence, I disagree with the rest. My husband has never categorized me or held me suspect as one of the "rotten" ones. Had he ever treated me as one of the "rotten" ones in any way whatsoever hmmmm, let's say the consequences would be DIRE!! Allowing yourself to be "generalized" is the same as allowing yourself to be stereotyped and complicit with the offense. My heritage is Filipino. My name is Eileen. My life story is unique as is yours. I will not compromise my individuality.
I personally did not listen to the seminar at the CFO simply because I did not need their BS.

I have been a member on this site since 2009. I have seen / read lots of stereotyping, racism, insulting and degrading posts directed to Pinays in many different ways. These comments come from the same (ole and new) guys over and over. Now, tell me that these men are just kidding each time they post their disgusting comments. Apparently, your understanding about this (what I consider despicable) behavior is different from mine.
How could you throw your own under the bus? Ridiculing them for how they react to the (endless disgusting) stereotype? Kids cannot communicate their wants very well because they're just kids. Yet, their parents understand and love them inspite of their poor communiation skills. The "men" perpetrating stereotypes aren't kids anymore. I agree that some people are not perfect at communicating, but that doesn't (and will never) justify the degradation and insults these "men" pour onto Pinays.
While I agree with your first^^ sentence, I disagree with the rest. My husband has never categorized me or held me suspect as one of the "rotten" ones. Had he ever treated me as one of the "rotten" ones in any way whatsoever hmmmm, let's say the consequences would be DIRE!! Allowing yourself to be "generalized" is the same as allowing yourself to be stereotyped and complicit with the offense. My heritage is Filipino. My name is Eileen. My life story is unique as is yours. I will not compromise my individuality.
I personally did not listen to the seminar at the CFO simply because I did not need their BS.

I have been a member on this site since 2009. I have seen / read lots of stereotyping, racism, insulting and degrading posts directed to Pinays in many different ways. These comments come from the same (ole and new) guys over and over. Now, tell me that these men are just kidding each time they post their disgusting comments. Apparently, your understanding about this (what I consider despicable) behavior is different from mine.
How could you throw your own under the bus? Ridiculing them for how they react to the (endless disgusting) stereotype? Kids cannot communicate their wants very well because they're just kids. Yet, their parents understand and love them inspite of their poor communiation skills. The "men" perpetrating stereotypes aren't kids anymore. I agree that some people are not perfect at communicating, but that doesn't (and will never) justify the degradation and insults these "men" pour onto Pinays.
While I agree with your first^^ sentence, I disagree with the rest. My husband has never categorized me or held me suspect as one of the "rotten" ones. Had he ever treated me as one of the "rotten" ones in any way whatsoever hmmmm, let's say the consequences would be DIRE!! Allowing yourself to be "generalized" is the same as allowing yourself to be stereotyped and complicit with the offense. My heritage is Filipino. My name is Eileen. My life story is unique as is yours. I will not compromise my individuality.
I personally did not listen to the seminar at the CFO simply because I did not need their BS.

Sadly, one thing I've seen on here many times is where the older American feels the need to "teach" the younger Filipina a lesson, and these lessons are usually demeaning and humilating. Very seldom do we hear where the American man learns anything from his partner.
I'll confess that, because of my marriage, I've learned to be a better person; I try to be more polite and understanding. And definitely, because of my wife, I am now closer to the rest of my family.
Of the two of us, she is by far the better person.