chikondichamayi

Am trying to send to malawi, I am having trouble finding reasonably priced and reliable options.

12 minutes ago, Lil bear said:

I chose to fly to Australia in late November as my parents are in their 90s and were finding the lockdowns very challenging and discouraging. I was .. and am .. concerned for their mental health and well-being    I took 3 flights and was required to quarantine for 14 days in a secured location in arrival. This was just before the Thanksgiving Christmas COVID surges. I arrived without becoming infected .. but despite my very cautious and even extreme precautions .. I would not have been surprised if I had been infected in the transit and flights within the US. Passenger numbers are way higher now than they were then. But my  decision was loaded by not knowing when or if I would see my parents again ..and feeling that I wanted to say I tried and took that opportunity rather than not. I certainly wouldn’t have travelled for any other reason But that’s me ..  you need to determine how the consequences will play out if they do happen .. and what you can live with .. or need to avoid. For example .. one of the risks for me was being unable to return to the US when I wanted to due to the closure of the Australian borders to people leaving. For that reason I went ahead an got a reentry permit which will cover my LPR status if I got stuck by border closures or if my parents health required me to remain  with them. 
Gone for now are the days when I can plan to get a flight when I want to and for a reasonable price 

This was very insightful. I have tried to be extra careful and have actually gotten vaccinated for covid which i needed to for my job anyways. I actually also want to do this for my own mental health as i have gotten pretty bad over the last month. SO bad i can barely function. As far as risks vs benefits, i believe the benefits outweigh the risks for me. I always wear 2 masks and stay away from everyone so i plan to keep that going even there. I know for the restrictions, i don't need to self quarantine in my country if i show  a negative test within last 3 days which is required now.  I want to convince myself things will only get better from here with the current status of vaccinations and such. But deep down, i feel i wont be able to go due to cancellations or something like that. 

I don't intend to take any chances with Covid. I am a hypochondriac who goes to the extreme to make sure i don't get it. I just had a sudden chance to visit home since i don't have to take summer classes this semester. I have never had so much time off, mind you am not a student but a permanent resident. It would be nice to go home for a couple months to help my mother care for my troubled brother who is actively trying to kill himself with alcohol. Besides, i will never get a chance like this where i can get so much time off and still have a job.

But reading through all the restrictions, am getting really discouraged. I will gladly take the tests but for some reason am just really feeling down that maybe i shouldn't go if i have to go through so much. I guess i can say am getting overwhelmed with all the information and restrictions out there. Has anyone actually been able to go home and back during this? what was your experience? words of encouragement? or a scolding?

My Country doesn't allow dual citizenship so I guess am never naturalizing. Wouldn't imagine not being able to go home to family as needed in emergencies.

27 minutes ago, mcsweeney1989 said:

I think all (correct me if I'm wrong) have been filers from Texas. On the USCIS website it says the processing time for the Texas Service Center is 5mths so that seems to fit these filers. 

Wow, that is pretty amazing. I just looked it up and only Texas has a range that low. The rest of them start at 10 months going up. What could possibly cause one center to be so fast compared to the others? 

I have seen a lot of people, at least 6, get approved shortly after being transferred to NBC. I had started losing hope that maybe not me, but I was pleasantly surprised. Keep on being positive!

Y'all, I finally got a notification today ! New Card Being Produced.

Here is my timeline, I know I appreciated it when I was lurking on here.

I filed at Texas and case number is SRC.

Case received:8/24/20

Biometrics reused:10/02/20

Case transferred to NBC:11/09/20

NEW CARD PRODUCED: 12/22/20

One thing I noticed is all those transferred to NBC are getting approved according to their dates transferred. Last week it was those transferred 11/02. Just my thoughts.

1 hour ago, coforever said:

Same here. I can't say no to my mom too and I wouldnt want her to not ask when she needs but I said budget irrespective of if she asks. More like a monthly or 2weeks thing. That way she would have enough when the need arises. 

For your sister,i would think the logically thing here if you weren't abroad is to live on her pay grade. Why get a house you can't pay for with your salary. In Nigeria we pay rents yearly(so with that salary you should figure out how to save up for that rent during the year with whatever salary you have) . So depends on your country,why send 250usd monthly to a house where she makes 1/3 of the rent monthly. That is way above her pay grade and those are the things you should talk to them about. Imagine send 250usd monthly to your sister that is working, another $$ to the one in school and some more for mom. That is alot of monthly expenditure. Not even including unforeseen circumstances that requires money before those monthly expenses. Then imagine your husband taking care of most the bills maybe including your school which you are going to still help your family.(I hope you don't say that too much to his hearing tho) . Turn the situation around. 

Wow, I feel like i just got a rude awakening that i needed. When you put it like that, Jesus i send a lot. Felt almost like getting a scolding from your parents that you knew you deserve. Thank you. I seriously need to make a lot of changes starting with the rent.

1 hour ago, Timona said:

 

@Bob in Boston Hahahaha I will add context to you and other VJers

 

I forgot to add that while with my former employer, I had to part with the $40 US currency that I had. I gave it to him after coming out of the underground garage and on our way to the barber shop, where he had insisted on escorting me to as he “knew” the best barber in town (it was his barber friend. I had casually mentioned that I needed to shave). I knowingly wanted to shave in Kenya to support business. Additionally, shaving in an upscale barber shop in Kenya is still 10% the normal cost here in Texas. Local mom and pops are even cheaper, at around $0.25. Yes, you read that right. I ended up not having there as the guy was taking forever. So, I shaved later at another upscale shop for $2.5 dollars. I even tipped the three barbers that were in the shop when I shaved, all for under $5, though only one had tended to me. They all looked at me surprised.

How did the $40 come into my possession? My wife had dropped me off at IAH for my 3:55pm Lufthansa flight. Feeling bad that she had not had time to have lunch with me, she gave me the $40. I declined initially but she insisted, probably guilt due to missing scheduled lunch. A day like this, where my wife offers me money, comes once in a blue moon, so I took the money at the second offer. She will kill me if she ever finds out that this money ended up with my former employer and not used personally on me. 

Back to my dad and on our way deep into the village to look at investments: My dad sat at the front passenger seat. Suddenly, my mom wants to sit directly behind him. I do not know for what reason. I shooed her off because she had no problem sitting behind the driver the previous day (the previous day, she had declined to sit at the front and let me sit there. This is very uncharacteristic of my mom. I still have not come to terms of how she let me sit at the front). Anyway, she is mad but sits where she sat the previous day. The journey deep into the village begins. My dad BECAME the de facto driver. The cab driver had to constantly follow his directives: stop here, I wanna wave to the villagers, go here, turn round, do this doughnut on the road (he did not say this. I just added it for drama), go over here I wanna wave to the police etc. From my back seat, I could sense the driver getting irritated. 
And let me not get started at how MLM have taken root in Kenya and how people are poor because they toss al their money into it, my mom included. 

There is an interesting part of my vacation that I am not going to add here because it totally deviated from OP. So, I will put it in a new thread titled “Epic International encounters.” 

Moderators: Please allow me to provide a link, on my thread, to this one, so that I do not have to write the beginning of the story again.

I will stop here for now. 
 

Haha i sure am looking forward to reading that as well. Love your writing style and humor.

3 hours ago, Timona said:

OP needs to watch the bolded carefully. 

Additionally, if you go home, do not tell everyone. Just pop up n pop out when vacation is done. That is a lesson I learnt.

 

Funny, when I went back last year, I explicitly told my young sister (who stays with my married elder sister that picked me from the airport) not to tell any of my cousins I was around. So I am sitting there watching the noon news and in pops one of my cousins. He sat the entire evening, being fed and supplied with my BIL's alcoholic beverages, courtesy of my small sister (I do not drink). Later on when he decides to leave, he suddenly does not have fare. I have to pay. Additionally, he wants pocket money before he leaves. My sister later admitted to telling him that I was around. He then went and told the rest of my cousins and my phone never got a break. Later, my small sister's friend keeps insisting I go out, that she has missed me. It had to be in these upcoming upscale bars that charge a leg and and arm for substandard stuff because they are the "new thing in Kenya that everyone wants to associate with." Funny enough, they are just the standard American bars that people drink while playing board games. However, since they are new in Kenya and with some fancy design, we have to pay massively to use them.

 

Next day I go to town to visit my old workplace. Suddenly, I have to buy them lunch BUT at the upscale restaurant they've always wanted to go to. Nonetheless, I gladly do. Then my old employer wants me to furnish him with $3000 for business. Yes, you read that right. He put me in his car in an underground garage and gave me an hour's run down of this business he wanted to venture in. I had to come up with a good excuse out of this. 

 

I then leave and go to the next town to visit my mom (right before she moved to the US). This is the town where 70% of my extended family is at and so was my childhood. Suddenly:

1. She is broke
2. My neighbors got wind that I am around, courtesy of my mom
3. My aunties appear - my mom had told them and said it is "bad manners not to tell them I am around"
4. She cannot use public transport. We had to hire a cab which had to pick her right from the doorstep, not even the gate, doorstep. 

Few days later, we are going to the village to visit my dad. Again, my mom cannot use public transport. She wants a cab. The village is far away from this city (1 hour away from the nearest town but 7 hours away from where we currently are). She wants the cab for this 7 to 8 hours drive and me to foot the bill. We look for one but end up not getting any as it was a weekend. So we go with the upscale public transport. 

 

Our first public transport only goes 90% of the journey. We have to jump on another to finish the trip. My mom had already organized a cab. The guy picks us up for the remaining 1 hour journey to the village. We get there, my mom does not want to alight at the gate. The guy had to drop her off at the doorstep. Villagers mill around and come to help us carry our shopping into the house. I do not recall carrying anything into the house. The villagers had carried everything within a minute of us getting here.

 

Next day, the cab comes back to take us one hour drive deep in the village to look at some investment. We get there, but the remaining (2 mins by car, 10 mins one way by foot) drive is rocky and unattainable for the low car. My dad walks me out of the cab and we walk to the site. Unbeknownst to me, he was only surveying the route because when we got to the site, he told us to head back and now come back with the car as he had seen a possible route🤦‍♂️. So we had to walk back (10mins), get the car and make the GRAND entrance at the site. The cab had to also be parked strategically at the site. Then the villagers came. We had to part with $$ so as to make him not look bad, courtesy of the status they have created in the village. 

 

Surprisingly, when I left the US for vacation, I only wore flip flops under my feet. They proved convenient at airport security check points. When I landed in Kenya, they looked at me surprised as if we walk on air in America and not flip flops.  

 

I cannot, even

I hope my story is hilarious.

And by the way, this is all true

 

 

Hahah omg all the grand entrances i am just imagining in my head. WHen i got home, there was a whole ceremony planned with all the distant relatives i have ever had. I DID NOT KNOW THIS. I actually asked to get home, take a shower, and sleep. There was actually an MC and FOod and music. JESUS i get what you are saying.

On a side note, can i ask how old your mom is and if she is working here or just living with you?

4 hours ago, YecaCruz said:

YES! Especially if you're siblings are more than capable to work/already have jobs.

 This 100%!! This happens with humanitarian aide / short term missionary trips ALL the time!

 

You are the gate-keeper for your family against stuff like that. Do not let this kind of thing put a wedge and eat away at the relationship between you and your husband! He may be understanding now but that may change.

 

It's amazing how quickly the rose-colored glasses are put on once a family member starts living in the US. We here in the US are certainly rich in many ways though it may not show in our bank accounts as such. My husband comes from the 2nd poorest county in the western hemisphere (Haiti is the first) so he's all too familiar with need and also people who play the poor card to make a quick buck. A few friends and siblings of my husband's would try to squeeze money out of him but he saw right through them. "I'm sick and need medicine..." etc. Think about it. They were able to get by and come up with money BEFORE he came here and will (have to) continue to figure it out. They stopped asking eventually. Every once in a while we send money to his step-mom and two youngest siblings to help with food especially since the country went to the pits in 2018 and the economy crashed. She doesn't ask but Mike just does it out of the blue. Sometimes his younger brother (they are quite close) asked for money to help with getting him to school certain conferences/competitions. So it was for his education AND he has the top-notch grades in telecommunications and engineering to prove that he works hard, in which case we would help with MOST but not all the of cost.

 

So we send money maybe once every 5 months. Usually like $100 and it's not because people are begging us to do it but because we have a little extra that we are able to spare. We just sent money last month to his other grandparents because they lost their crop to the 2 hurricanes that blew through the country. They didn't ask and weren't expecting it but were extremely grateful and surprised! 

 

When his Grandma was terribly ill NONE of his 8 older siblings helped AT ALL. In fact, they would come to her to ask HER for money. like REALLY?? Never had time to actually visit her, mind you. When she almost died my husband went down there to get what she needed like a nebulizer and some other things. 5 of those 8 older siblings, who were all raised by her live in the same town and "didn't have time to visit" after we purchased an expensive last minute ticket over New Years. 

 

Your family must understand that you are not a vending machine!  Let them be mad at you because if they love you as sister/daughter it SHOULD NOT matter in the end. Money can turn people into monsters.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Wow, a brother that doesn't ask for money all the time and actually does good in school. This just made me think of how my brother used money I sent for school fees to drink, failed all classes,yet everyone expects me to forgive him just like that and want me to TRY TO ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO DO IN HIS LIFE. Am sorry if i sound bitter, i am still angry about it. One of the reasons that had me question what i can actually put up with although i obviously love my family.

3 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

A brief answer from another standpoint:  Had Mrs. T-B.'s family, or Mrs. T-B. on their behalf, ever asked me for a dime, her shapely hindquarters -- with my bootprint in them -- would have been on the very next conveyance back to Ecuador.

 

This is not because I begrudged her family anything, but because I preferred to select the timing and amount or form of whatever I chose to give them (of my own free will).

 

For perspective:  if a U.S.-born, U.S.-raised, U.S.-citizen girlfriend or wife were to ask me for (or insist that I provide) money or gifts for her family, should I put up with that?  If so, precisely why?

Lmao that first paragraph was so funny. You are straight forward and I  respect that. I don't think I would have the guts to do it though haha.

4 minutes ago, Jer1234 said:

It's the same thing In the Caribbean, I would send money every month ,when I couldn't  afford to send it,they would be upset .so I just stop for like 6months.before u can help anyone ,you have to ensure your helping yourself first.even people who never reached out to before will reach out to you when your loving in America. I still send money to my mom and my sister from time to time when I can afford it..but I control what I send .in America you have to work very hard ,and it's even more difficult coming from a tropical climate to work in the snow..

For real? Getting mad for not sending money when you couldn't?Wow. I know people act as if we just get money from the side of the road. I work so hard while going to school full time and still send all the hard earned money home. And they only have to go to school. So frustrating!

8 hours ago, Luckycuds said:

Full disclosure I am sharing from the US citizen perspective but my husband and I have talked a lot about it. He also comes from a very poor country and he has a large family- 12 siblings and 3 parents (step) as well as many cousins/friends etc. It's tough. He use to send more money back to his family but has significantly cut back for many reasons. We have to live our life here. It is impossible to think he can support 15 immediate family members as well as himself. Today is actually 6 years my husband has been in the USA and he still relies on me-which is no problem because he is finishing his education which will better both of us in the future. Yes, we have a lot and we will never have to worry about not having a roof over our heads or going hungry- things his family faces on a daily basis- but we have to live our lives. I don't say this to sound cruel or mean- but the USA is completely different. We have bills that HAVE to get paid, insurance, we have taxes that people don't understand- we need to have savings for the future- there are so many things his family wouldn't understand and they think it is just so easy to get a job here. Yes, you can get a job but just because you make $15 an hour doesn't mean you bring that home- social security, medicare; state and federal taxes, etc. We now have a daughter-some of his siblings recently had kids of their own- but my husband has said he's not going to take food out of our daughters mouth to feed theirs. And I'm proud of him for sticking up saying this. I know it's tough for him because it's tough for me- but I know realistically we can't support that many other people without putting us in a hole- which we already have debt.

 

You need to find a happy medium. Do your siblings work now? If so, slowly decrease what you send them. I'm not sure if they are living day to day or if they have excess to buy things they otherwise couldn't- but if it were the latter I would definitely send them less and then none when they can support themselves. You need to live YOUR life. Which is now in the USA. Helping once in a while is fine but you don't want to be taken advantage of. I don't know your situation and maybe your partner has better insight to see if you are being taken advantage of. If so then that really should stop.You can't punish yourself because you have a car and you have wi-fi. (I completely understand as husbands family doesn't own a vehicle or have wifi-heck they barely have electricity). You have to live your life and you have to live your reality. Your reality is that you live in the USA and you have privilege that others do not. You also have bills that HAVE to get paid and you need to think about your future-whether this means starting a 401k, savings account, etc- you need to have something to fall back on when you are older or you will live in poverty in the US.

 

To touch base on it taking a toll on your marriage- I will say for us it did a bit. Husband didn't send money monthly but when he did I did want to know why and who it was for. For example- I am in charge of the bills here so he has no clue what is due when and how much and there were times he overdrew the account- which would result in a fee- so me knowing when he was planning and how much was important- I also was concerned about him being taken advantage of- not so much family but by friends. Like someone asking for an iPad when my husband wouldn't be able to afford one himself type of thing. Or people only reaching out when they want something. I do have to say its a fine line - because I realize in some countries parents expect their kids to care for them and it's their culture. Plus like you said you have so many "luxuries" here when your family may be struggling to eat (unsure if this is your case) but husband and I both agree we have to live "our life" and this (USA) is "our reality". Maybe when he is in a better place financially in the future he will be able to help out more- but for now he needs to focus on our life right now. Please know you DO do enough and don't have any guilt. Hope any of this was useful- sorry it's so long!

 

I wanted to edit this to add we also occasionally send things to his family (giant boxes) and that costs hundreds of dollars. We are always collecting items for his family and when we go visit half of what we bring goes to them and then my husband ends up leaving his entire wardrobe to them as well. He's even had customs ask him where his clothes are when he got back to the USA lol 

OMG 15 family members, that is so impossible- I struggle with only 4. I went back to school for a better future earning potential so I depend on husband for home bills. He pretty much pays everything except my car and the money I send home. In emergencies back home, he helps me out but I try to limit this. I know its depressing for him seeing his savings go down  and I really don't wanna put this on him. I definitely know if I had a child, it would be so different. KIDS are EXPENSIVE! SO I understand changing life circumstances will definitely influence my future decisions to help. I will also try to treat myself a bit more. Thank you!

8 hours ago, Timona said:

 

I guess this is Nigeria? Lemme tell you about Kenya. 

 

You will soon come to regret this. You're breeding a culture of dependence. I helped pay 50% for my aunt's kids (2) school fees early this year. She just texted me today asking me to "remember her during Christmas." My cousin and high school pals want money to go "drink." Another cousin wants money for tools. My sister's friend wants money for school. Whenever I see "hello" text out of the blues from these people, I know the second text will be "can you give me $$." It's like money grows on trees here in US.

 

My dad wanted another house, in another location. We agreed to get him a standard one. No sooner had the construction began than the price ballooned. So when we pressed for the construction document, we found they (mom & dad) had added 2 port car garage and others. You know where this is headed? I'll tell you. I'm sure those car ports were for future cars that we'd be forced to buy. We refused to pay. The house just got finished, minus the car ports. We only paid 50%. My mom paid the rest (she came to US a year ago, has been having the African energy and worked). So she paid the rest and other unnecessary adjustments that they added to the design later again. 

 

Before the house, he wanted a car. We agreed to get him a simpler one. Next, audi was what was being shopped for. We had to put a stop to this. 

 

Most of these are just to give themselves unnecessary status in the neighborhood. My dad is now honorary chair of a high school. His new status now calls for more upkeep 🤦🏽‍♂️.

 

Since my mom came over a year ago, her Whatsapp is evert buzzing. Relatives and my aunties needing $$$. She sends money to them 24/7. The same aunt that is asking me for Christmas $$$ is staying in one of our houses, free of rent, water and all bills with her 2 kids. Shamelessly, she's asking me for $$$ yet I am sure my mom gives her $$$.

 

I went home last year. Never told anyone apart from my sister who was picking me from the airport. Why? As soon as they get wind, everyone has a shopping list - not just one, but numerous stuff. Failure to buy renders you a bad guy.

 

We just remodeled my sister's house here in the US. The remodeler was  50+ years Kenyan. His phone kept on buzzing. His youngest child who's about to hit 30 years wants a laptop, but nothing short of the new MacBook. His dad was over here heaving and crying. He has paid for all their schools but they still want to sulk of him though they are all grown. Give the guy a break.

 

 

@chikondichamayi

At some point, you get tired of this. Help, whenever there is a legit problem. However, I wouldn't be buying cars for them. 

 

I am not even done. But I'll stop here.

 

My two cents 

Haha, I so get the status thing, I have seen in a lot. And every time I get a text or go home, I have to give money to everyone now I am scared of going at all. But one thing for sure,  do not send money to other relatives and friends. I am barely making it helping my immediate family, I can only imagine the chain reaction that would create. I appreciate your perspective, I definitely wanna draw some boundaries and make sure I am not being taken advantage of , while ensuring I help when truly needed. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I will try this.

8 hours ago, coforever said:

I will say you actually do alot for your family, I think you should also tall to your siblings to be more involved in taking some responsibility, I was a student and working at the same time in my country and taking care of my younger brother,so being in school is not enough reason for someone not be responsible. talk to your family especially sibling about taking some stuff off your shoulder. Put your mother on a budget and let her try to manage it. Same as your siblings,you can pay school fees but they should shoulder the other bills.where I come from they say" Problem nor dey finish, enjoy yourself once once"

Take care of yourself and save for your future also because you,your husband and kids matter .

This! I have been hoping they could finish school and maybe take over the rent . But for now, my sister just started a job and pays 1/3 of the rent. So I still send about $250  a month for the rest of the rent. Am still glad she helps some. My mother actually feels bad when she asks for anything, so I am hesitant to tell her that. I wouldn't want her feeling bad to even ask money for food since governments home are so bad some months they don't even pay people.

10 hours ago, JeanneAdil said:

The best way to save for a retirement is to have it taken directly from pay with a 401 K  /  taxes are not withheld from the money you contribute (till you take it out after age 55 1/2)  usually your work contributes a share to what you save and if you don't see it in check ,  it helps

 

Help for family  - a lot -  adil and i bought an apartment which is ours but his mom and a brother live there .  He went 2 years ago and put $3000 in some improvements.  we help with food and utility bills also.  He sends money to other family if he can.   He is working 6 10 hour days and wanted to buy a Mustang and i made him do it one day /  a person has to do something for themselves sometimes.  And to a friend that needed eye surgery as they were going blind (and did anyway) We help as the country is poor and these are people we know

 

this was something we talked about before he came  /  our understanding was family is family and when we do a charity,  we do it for the people we love the most and we know where our money is going and what it is spent on  unlike so many charities that give big paychecks to the CEO and board of directors

That is very true and I plan to start putting extra towards retirement once school is done. I am also glad to find someone in a similar situation with the same outlook on the whole situation. When I considered helping my family out the way I was long term, I knew it was unsustainable and that is why I went back to school. I figure if I increase my future earning potential, maybe the same level of help won't be so bad.

I have been lurking around here for a while and I am hoping the community can relate. I have been in the US since 2013, started as an F1 student from Africa on a full scholarship. I am now married , working part time and still going to school. I have a conditional Green card and I am currently removing conditions. Now the question , how much do you all help out parents, siblings, or relatives back home?

I can say 90 % of all my earnings have been going home the last 3 years or so. I bought my mum a car and pay to maintain it; I was paying for both my sister and brother's college; I pay for rent every month where my siblings live which is different from where my mom live; I have been renovating my mom's house as of late so she can move in. I am not rich, I have no savings now because all the money has gone home. I haven't bought myself new things like clothes in so long. I feel I need to do this because here I have a high standard of living, and just me being able to drive everyday and enjoy things like wi-fi is good enough .I think I want to make sure their standard of living is at least close to mine.

I also know this is taking a toll on the finances in my marriage. Although my husband is understanding, I don't wanna push it too far. I need to save for retirement and just stuff around the house. How do you all do it? Personally I feel I still don't do enough, and I am just trying to see what people in similar situations do. Maybe I can get different perspectives/ideas.