AichaKandisha

If there is any way to salvage this thread, I would love to take the opportunity to get insight into the financial issue. I am in a similar position - way more money than we can afford gets sent back home to Morocco, as we slip deeper into debt, and this jeopardizes our future together. This is an area where our communication breaks down completely, so I would love to get AK's views on this: is it family pressure to send home more than basic living expenses? Would it be shameful not to, or some sort of loss of honor? I love my husband's family and he knows it, but if I ever *dare* to bring up the financial problems that come from sending too much money I also get accused of having ill will towards them and being selfish, etc. Are there any wives who have successfully changed their husband's behavior in this respect? Does this change with time, or when you have kids? I feel like he is working to give them a stable future while ours is getting less and less secure...

Thanks!

Q: is it family pressure to send home more than basic living expenses?

A: No -- parents don't give pressure to their kids and they don't ask-- but it’s our responsibility to make sure they don’t need anything. and we will do the same thing wherever/ whenever

basic living expenses is more than enough --

Q: Would it be shameful not to, or some sort of loss of honor?

A: No. But it shameful when you know they need it and you can't send it

Q: Are there any wives who have successfully changed their husband's behavior in this respect?

A: I don't think so -- no matter how they tries. Trying to change your husband behavior is controlling -- since your husband remembers his parents here he is a good man, Simply sit down and show him the reality of your financial situation, talk to him about a plan that will fit your budget and have a fixed amount of money to send home . to avoid any surprises budgets wise

Q: Does this change with time, or when you have kids?

A: Does not change -- perhaps support with kids the amount to be sent will get decreased.

I feel like he is working to give them a stable future while ours is getting less and less secure...

You know as a Moroccan, and I know all Moroccan are the same they will not let you down once they feel secured, putting your husband down will result a situation you will not like down the road. We know our responsibilities for the wives under god's will, and also we know our responsibility toward our parents and family –

Simply : No game No Pain

If you have more question send me a private email – and I hope I will be able to help you find peace.

I'm just a greedy/always-asking-for-too-much kind of woman. How dare I want a non-cheating husband, a husband who helps with half the bills and house-work (since we both work) AND a man who respects and loves her? I just want it all, don't I ladies?

You know what he is done... half of the bills??? I pay over 70% of all the bills and if people will go back and read, you have mentioned that all the bills on my name. You so kind paying my bills...

Have a happy life with your ladies????????????

It is amazing how it only shows up in his field. To talk about feelings, why cheating hurts, marriage, why he should help pay for bills and debt, etc. is like talking to a brick wall. Now you get a glimpse as to what I had to experience on a daily basis. I think I tried to explain it away to myself as a cultural thing. There's something much deeper I'm afraid.

I agree...

It would be interesting for me and everyone here to know what you have to say about my past so I give you permission (in case you were waiting for it).

That's what the perfect people will say to prouve their perfection... Whatever he will say will not make any sense to any of the reader here, because they don't know how you were and how you become after you known him.

Your problem is his family and you want it all, that will never happen...

Well ladies, here he is as 'AichaKandisha'.

????

He's all yours ladies...

However... I will not write your past here

You are so perfect.

Itsallgood...you said he's highly intelligent?? He might be in his field of work, but his grammar, and the way he takes simple things out of context, is showing another side. I feel for ya...

He's not intelligent, obviously you are!! 66

Is someone a bit sensitive??

Are you the pink elephant?...66

Well you shouldnt have taken the screen name of the queen of the she devils if you did not know what it was.

I listen to alot of cheikha rimitti and gnawa so I already tranced her away. Its funny how even the most very loud mouthed Moroccan can sometimes be afraid of sehour. I have never done any sehour but I think some serious ####### was done on me ( wink wink). I couldnt have been as stuck on stupid for years by my own accord.

You are funny though, and I didn't mean to disrespect...

just FYI: I'm the jack$#$#$ this thread is about. My point of posting do not pre-judge based on what you were told.

I think letting this fvcker think he's got you in such a tizzy that you'd resort to spells and rolling your eyes back in your head, etc. will make him run out faster....not because he believes you've cast a spell on him

And I think If he will see you ine person he will think that you are Aicha-Kandisha

I don't know about invoking Aicha Kandisha - although, since I'm Catholic, we're all about exorcisms...just sayin'. Aside from that, just get a divorce and don't give a flyin' ** about his culture. He's just an azzhole.

Did he sleep with you too, to know if he is an azzhole.. Maybe he did...

Not as sick as he will be if he continues to steal her life by cheating on her and playing games with her life

Aicha...oh Aicha where are you

PS you should change your name since you obviously have no clue to what Aicha even is....

LOL... You must heard alot about Aicha Kandisha, did you practice some sehour on your husband? have he eaten you old shoes?

You need some Rehabilitation --.

I have no clue to what Aicha is until I read your posts.

Just let me get ahold of that scum and we will do some real sehour on him....hahahahahahahha

aicha aicha aicha we need your helppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp....you can have his soul

We will turn him into a zombie and then make him hit on police officers...ahahhahahaahahahahhaahah...yes aicha we will make it so he is only attracted to uniformed police officers and he will make passes at them.......hahahahahahahhahahahahah

Are you sick or something...

Aicha Kandisha is a new Moroccan metaphor for American women like you (look at the mirror)...

I feel sorry for your husband.

Happy Birthday Doodle, Dawn and Kez!!!

(That is supposed to be a camel pinata)

Doodlebug - I remember very well how grueling it was to be waiting in AP. That for me was the hardest part of the entire visa process. We waited 28 days after the interview and I don't know how anyone handles waiting longer than that. I was a wreck waiting out those days. It just felt so up in the air. Some get called in a matter of days and some got called months later. Not knowing which one of those I was going to be was torture. My emotions were all over the place. I tried to stay as positive as I could but I still had my moments.

Do whatever you need to do to get through this time. It's one of the most stressful times that you can go through. And when you get the call, and YOU WILL GET THE CALL, it will be the sweetest moment you can imagine.

Happy Birthday to you!! Is it me or do birthdays not really have the excitement that they used to anyway?!

I'm going to bite my tongue on this one. Have a nice day Sarah!!!

What is there to bite your tongue about? I am trying to help you out but you can't see that.

No I can't. I have every right to let off steam in here if I miss my husband. This is a visa support group and it's quite normal to have feelings of despair when you cannot be with your husband on your birthday. Sparrow got her visa and I'm happy for her and congratulated her. This thread is not about her at all.

When did I tell you that you can't or shouldn't let off steam on here? Of course you should and you have every right to. Everyone on here has missed their fiance or husband at some point in time so we all understand what you are going through. This is the place for everyone to share their ups and downs. I'm only trying to give you some sound advice and it's unfortunate that you can't see that.

Out of all due respect Sarah, and these are my opinions and feelings only which may not amount to a hill of beans, but after many occasions, your comments have come across as rather harsh and hurtful, even though they weren't directed at me. I understand that everyone has their own style of communicating. What I find most disturbing, however, is even when numerous posters have commented to you about something you've said as being hurtful in one way or another, your usual response is along the lines of trying to help them or you're trying to show them the truth. I have to admit that if I look hard enough, I can see where you may be coming from occasionally, however, there are many others here that are able to help and be truthful without being hurtful. I know that you've commented on other threads about how women are treated or being abused and that you can't understand how they end up or stay in those situations. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I feel that many many times your comments come across as being abusive to me to these women or to others in those threads as well. I find it quite unnerving how you comment on how you don't understand being abused, yet you are abusing them at the same time with your words. Again, these are my opinions and feelings only and they may or may not have anything to do with what is really going on. Again, I meant nothing in disrespect.

Hopefully these links work: Morocco, Egypt, Turkey

Since I spent almost $2000 on my last ticket to Morocco I about fell off my chair when I got this email about specials to Morocco, Egypt and Turkey. If you're planning a trip (and even if you aren't you might after looking at these), take a look: BookingBuddy.com

These seem pretty reasonable for all that is included:

Escorted Morocco Package Includes:

Round trip flights NYC-Casablanca

Other departure cities available. Click on date of departure for selection and prices.

Airline fuel surcharges

6 nights First Class accommodations

1 night Helnan Chellah, Rabat

2 nights Zalagh Parc Palace, Fez

2 nights Imperial Holiday, Marrakesh

1 night Zenith Hotel, Casablanca

All transfers

12 meals: 6 breakfasts, 6 dinners

Sightseeing per itinerary in modern air-conditioned motor coach

Services of English-speaking tour manager throughout

Entrance fees per itinerary

Mineral water with all dinners

Escorted Egypt Package Includes:

Round trip flights NYC-Cairo.

Other departure cities available. Click on date of departure for selection and prices.

Airline fuel surcharges

Intra-Egypt flights: Cairo-Aswan, Luxor-Cairo

6 nights First Class accommodations

3 nights Hilton Pyramids Golf Resort, Cairo

3 nights King of the Nile or Ramses King of the Nile, Nile cruise

Transfers per itinerary

12 meals: 6 breakfasts, 3 lunches, 3 dinners (All meals on Cruise)

Services of an English-speaking Egyptologist tour manager

Now I want to go...

Oops - my link isn't working. I'll try to find the right one...

good luck Allusa.I hope today is your day. That apt. by the pyramids looks amazing.

Called DOS back to the line no security checks pending in Washingto the case is in Cairo I really have no idea what to think.

????When those of you who had case at dos undergoing clearances did the embassy tell you "clearences are completed" or "your case is under AP at the embassy" when DOS was done? Did they ever confirm clearences had been done in washington?

Have a good day all.. I'll try ti just let go and be patient

The last time I called DOS they asked me if he showed up for his interview and they had no record of his case. That following Monday, I called Casa and demanded to speak to someone (which meant I started by asking nicely and ended by going into a complete b!tch mode). After I finished my rant, the lady said, We have his file right here and we were going to call him today to pick up his visa. She asked if I wanted to give him a call to tell him or if I wanted them to make the phone call. I was pretty much speechless at that point.

:crying:

Rome never updated the list today. If not done by this time (because of time difference), it's not going to happen before the weekend.

SO...I called NVC and had to wait on hold for 25 minutes...only to hear that it's STILL waiting a decision from Rome, that they haven't received any notification yet either.

I'm just soooo upset and soooo tired of waiting. I was telling one of my co-workers (trying to hold back the tears when I was telling them this) that I feel like I've been running the longest marathon of my life and that I can see the finish line...but someone keeps moving the finish line. He said, you just got to keep running. But you know...I'm soooooo tired of running!

I know that so many of you feel the same and my heart goes out to you. I've not been able to eat the last day and a half because I've been so anxious about waiting to hear some news.

What a rollercoaster you must be on. I began to hate weekends because of immigration. Fingers crossed for good news on Monday.

Dee:

Ditto to what Doodle said. You are a far more stronger person to have experienced what you have experienced and continue to experience. You will have the ability to console another and have compassion for another that may need your help on down the road that is going through what you've been through.

lol.. are you sure your thinking of the right person??

YOU are exactly the person that I'm thinking of! NO ONE goes through what you've been through that isn't a strong and resiliant person. There is a reason for all you are experiencing and I think there are great things ahead for you because of it. For anyone to judge you or criticize you are only showing you and the rest of us their weaknesses.

lol... http://youtube.com/watch?v=Xv6lHwWwO3w

this goes out to all the ladies in a similair situation

inspired by Rebecca

Except you're singing new words: instead of "I should have changed those stupid locks" - "I CHANGED those stupid locks!!" You GO girl!!!!!!!!!!! Move over Gloria, Dee's singin' a new tune!

Dee:

Ditto to what Doodle said. You are a far more stronger person to have experienced what you have experienced and continue to experience. You will have the ability to console another and have compassion for another that may need your help on down the road that is going through what you've been through.

lol.. are you sure your thinking of the right person??

YOU are exactly the person that I'm thinking of! NO ONE goes through what you've been through that isn't a strong and resiliant person. There is a reason for all you are experiencing and I think there are great things ahead for you because of it. For anyone to judge you or criticize you are only showing you and the rest of us their weaknesses.

Dee:

Ditto to what Doodle said. You are a far more stronger person to have experienced what you have experienced and continue to experience. You will have the ability to console another and have compassion for another that may need your help on down the road that is going through what you've been through.

I think depression is playing a big part in this. He seems to have given up on ever getting the visa and being able to immigrate here. It has been almost 2 months since he last heard from the embassy and still no good word from them.

This is my BIG concern. If he is depressed it should be because you two are apart. It seems like this is all about the visa & immigrating here, which is not good IMO.

I kind of agree. My husband never talks about the visa unless I bring it up. It's almost an afterthought since he's so busy with his life there. Not saying he's definitely in it for the visa but just something to keep on the back burner you know?

I see it a little differntly. I think Tammy's husband's focus could appear to be on the visa, but the reality is what the visa means. The visa process is keepig him from his family , from carrying out his responsibility as a husband and father. so while he says visa, he might be thinking something else.

If he is prone to depression, think about how much more difficult it is not to have the day to day imitate support of your wife and family. Depression means our thinking is clouded. The visa may symbolize a lof of things to him not only the ticket to come here.

While this is true in many situations, I don't believe it to be true in this one. I have told Tammy my concerns based on extensive conversations I have had with her. We talked about all the possibilities and the depression being one of them. However even if a person is prone to being depressed it doesnt make it ok to shun your loved ones away. How a person deals with depression and hard times in their life says alot about that person.

Tammy is also going though her own depression and so are her kids. Times like this, and him being the adult, he should also be supportive that family that he is waiting to be reunited with, especially the kids. I know everyone deals with depression differently but this is also somehting that can weigh heavily on their marriage, now and later.

you say that you've talked to this person, and as such have a good deal more insight into what's going on than just someone casually reading the thread, like myself. but the mental health advocate in me has to protest some of the other things you mention here. depression is an illness, and like other illnesses how one deals and reacts to it is often not a matter of "personal choice", no more than "personal choice" enters into how one's body responds to getting diabetes or heart disease. they can no more snap themselves out of it than diabetics or people with heart disease can just snap out of it. being an adult has nothing to do with it either-you don't reach a certain age and magically acquire new skills for coping with malignant alterations in brain chemistry. it just doesn't work that way. i doubt this man thinks it's ok either to shun his loved ones away, but this illness can rob him of his choice to not do that. oftentimes depression manifests itself differently in men than in women, and many start exhibiting very anti-social and sometimes even hostile behaviour. yr right that depression is something that can weigh heavily on their's or anyone else's marriage-most illnesses are major stressors on a marriage. the situation all around sucks. i don't know what things are like in jordan, but this country does a horribly inadequate job in assisting and promoting mental health. they both have their work cut out for them.

Ok and you are further proving my point which I would definitly think twice before exposing my children to such a person. I never said it was a matter of personal choice or that it wasn't an illness. I totally agree with everything you just said however I wouldn't want to get married to someone like that because it woud affect our marriage and my children (if I had any).

In Jordan they don't really believe in anything called "mental health" or "depression". My only point was if a person is going to be that extreme in their depression, then you should think twice about it because depression can hit at any time.

so what, abandoning illness stricken loved ones is far nobler? no therepeutic intervention whatsoever? medications, therapy-what, they don't exist as possibilities?

I'm not saying it isn't a possibility but when you have kids involved its a whole other ballgame. Depression can be dangerous and you have to think of the welfare of your children first.

I agree that the children should always be thought of first in all situations. However, I would like to say that I have personally dealt with depression for the majority of my life. Nearly everyone in my family has depression. I don't take that as an excuse to give up and just accept that I will be always like them the rest of my life. I choose to take the actions that are needed to thrive despite it. Also, nearly everyone at some point in their lives, experience depression. I certainly think that experiencing something as grueling as the immigration process, could be one of those times for some people to feel depression. That doesn't necessarily mean that they will continue to be depressed the rest of their lives.

I have been complimented on my parenting abilities quite often as a mother; even with depression. So I wouldn't assume that because someone is depressed or experiencing depression at this point in time, automatically means that children will be in danger in his/her presence or affected negatively by him/her.

The fact that he is depressed right now shouldn't be the one and only deciding factor about whether or not he would be a good husband or father, IMO. How he deals with his depression and his behavior during the depression would be something that should be more closely monitored. If he deals with it by being abusive in any way, violent, drinking, drugs, etc., then I would have second thoughts.

People react differently to different things and experiences. If they experience depression, it doesn't automatically mean they are 'damaged goods'. Thank God, or else I'd be one great big damaged good.

Ahhhhhhhh Doodlebug - it sounds word for word as to what DOS told me when I called last year. I had to call a few times before someone said that yes his case was there. Then they said that he passed the first check and he was going through the next 2. When I called back the next time, they asked if he showed up for the interview!!!!!!! WHAT THE %#@!??????????? She said that his case wasn't there. That was on a Friday and by Monday he got the call to pick up his visa. I'm wondering if once the case is complete, the computer kicks them out of the system or it is harder to find them once it is completed. Who knows? But it may be good news if they can't find him. Fingers crossed.

For real if you could have any answer about the reason of existence, what happens after you die, is there life out there, who came first the chicken or the egg, would you really ask where's your NOA?

What is my purpose? Am I living the way you want me to? Have I created my own sufferings? Am I the person you want me to be? Will my daughter live well and will she be proud of me when she is older? There are many, many questions that I would ask...

This reminds of the video The Interview With God

It touches me everytime I see it.

For you Dee:

You Are The Light

Interview With God

I love this thread.

You Are The Light