HannahP

And I totally understand why a guy would roughhouse a crazy woman (especially when the crazy woman is the initial attacker and before starting/attacking the man she verbally/mentally tormented him for an hour)..

In your experience with being roughhoused did/do you deserve it most of the time?

I cannot relate or sympathize with a guy giving a black eye so I don't mean that event but the other times...The roughhousing..

For what it's worth -- I was about 70 lbs at 5'3" (severely anorexic) and he was 6' at around 350+ lbs.

I like rough sex. Not afraid to admit it.

You know what pissed me off? The black eye. I did not deserve that but it's taken me years to understand that I didn't deserve it.

Have I ever metioned that every day I am glad I married a Ukrainian. I know she only married me to get out of the bread lines in Ukraine and get some of our wonderful bread in America which we are world renowned for, but hey, works for me.

And you don't have to beat her up to make her understand that? It's amazing.

Did ya punch him back?

Should have! But that would have given him another reason to hit me back.

I'm fat, but not that fat. Otherwise I would have just eaten him. Duh.

I'm being totally serious.

So when the federal government makes these laws about psych evals for "aggression" are they going to go by local rules or a more general federal standard? What's been the tradition? Have states made the federal government accept their laws or has the federal government (usually by dangling a carrot) made the states accept it's policies?

You've obviously never dated a crazy b!tch. Hats off to you!

For what it's worth, I'm probably the craziest ###### that anyone will ever meet and my husband has only given me one black eye.

(However, I get the impression that real men know how to beat their women without causing overt damage? Has anyone here ever had to try to explain their black eye and bloody lip to coworkers -- "I was in a car accident" only goes so far.)

The alternative is to not try, to not learn, and to remain ignorant. Would that be a better course of action?

Except that you're not really learning. You're judging. And pretending that your experience is somehow different or unique or special.

I honestly don't know what you're trying to do. To me, it seems like you're painting a picture of the "perfect" BPD relationship and your struggles. So you're...what? the perfect victim in this relationship?

Is it always going to be this hard dealing with a person with BPD? That's what I worry about, is that it would just be exhausting all the time, and wear me down, and take the fun out of life. You're being both very helpful and a bit difficult at the same time. I really just want life to be FUN most of the time. Is it possible for a person with BPD to be in a place where life is FUN a lot of the time? Or can I expect to have most of the fun sucked out of my life by this (likely) BPD woman, and I'd just have to feel lucky for whatever fun I get?

I've been married for four years. Living with my husband for seven years. Together (exclusively) for over ten years now.

So I guess you'd probably want to ask my husband these questions.

I would very much appreciate hearing more of your thoughts about this whole matter. Whether here in this thread, or in private messages. I am still a puzzled Ozzie, trying to learn, and to still spend the majority of my time in Kansas.

The last sentence still makes me think you're an elaborate troll. I make a "we're not animals" comment and you respond with a Dr Livingstone, I presume remark? Really?

People with BPD are highly different. BPD tends to be divided into sections -- I am highly impulsive and self-destructive, but have very close and long-lasting interpersonal relationships. Others have problems with maintaining relationships. etc. I believe I've already talked about this -- both in this thread and elsewhere. No need to repeat myself.

This whole thing is just...blah. to me.

Oh no, not the "troll" thing again! Are you a troll by asking me that? How would you feel if you were in the middle of this mess?

In dealing with a BPD, one of the #1 things they say is to "stay connected" to external reality and other people, so as not to get totally sucked into the BPD's world. The connections with people here are helping me beyond belief. Can you let go of the troll thing already?

As someone with BPD, I have been in the middle of VERY MANY messes. That I've caused, usually.

I just don't get it. You're not married to this woman. You have no particular reason to be married to this woman. Why is she still in your life, other than for the drama factor? You mention the train-wreck factor but you're the one perpetuating it.

Although, honestly, I'd be pissed off if I was your wife -- your "OMG someone with BPD does this and that and blah blah" comments. You sound like you've discovered a new species of animal -- but people with BPD are human, too. (Assuming that your wife has BPD and isn't just a raging ###### and/or used you for a visa.)

Again, assuming your wife really does have BPD, you need to make clear decisions and enforce firm boundaries. You aren't doing any of this.

I do find this whole thread very enlightening as to what people who read about BPD think and the reality of what someone who has BPD actually experiences.

Anyway, now the task at hand is to figure out how to clean up this mess.

Oh, give me a break.

Are you a troll? Now you're seeing BPD everywhere?

Excuse me? Did you actually READ my post or are you just hoping to get an award for martyrdom? I, PERSONALLY, put my father in a nursing home. I PERSONALLY had to make the decision. Get off your fricken high horse, for fricks sake!

I apologize. I did read your original posts and, yes, they didn't originally conform to my need to be a martyr. I am very frustrated with my mother right now which tends to overtake everything. She is not an easy person to live with, etc. etc.

You lost. It makes three times(one with graphics) trying to explain it.

And ####### is this doing in P&R? Can this be moved to the Canada sub-forum?

Actually, I feel this does belong in P&R. I'm actually quite torn -- I consider myself very liberal. Never thought I cared what you did with your welfare money or foodstamps.

I thought more of you older folks would have first hand knowledge in regards to older parents and nursing homes. I guess not? I'm 25 and having to make this decision with my siblings. My mother had absolutely no savings so we (her kids, family) are having to support her 100%. Definitely know that I'll never do *that* to my kids or grandkids.

I don't live in Canada. I'm in the US. I'm a US citizen. I wish I lived in Canada because this probably wouldn't be as big an issue. Would it?

Apparently.

More bad news. When you get done doing this by yourself, you may not be a liberal anymore. But your sister still will be.

Pretty sure that I'll still be liberal.

Just more pissed off at my sister.

/my job, I work with severely impaired children...who are on medicaid

//your bootstraps don't work here

He said

Because I'm apparently the only real adult here who has to deal with putting their parent into a nursing home/long term care facility?

You know, Hannah.. Gary gave you a good bit of advice there. Instead of biting his head off, why not thank him?

There was one response to your post (see below) that was absolutely unhelpful. Yet, you chose the somewhat helpful response to reply to. Are you looking for a fight here? Because remember, this is P&R... if you are, you will find one.

Well, first off. I ignore peejay on principle. Have for the last few years. So damned predictable.

re. Gary -- no good advice there. I don't actually know what he's trying to say. I've had two heart attacks due to anorexia. So I think I'm technically bigger than him? Should he be thanking me?

Look. I'm so liberal that I'm falling off the edge of the Pacific.

My sister is super pissing me off. She's had to deal with the majority of my clingy, needy mother's needs since we moved her into a close nursing home. I agree that it's not really fair. But here we go:

she texts me that "I'm sorry that my lifestyle doesn't include a job and a husband." (But she does have a boyfriend, a trailer, and a life! quoted.)

Since when is a job considered a goddamn lifestyle?

My sister gets over $500 a month from my father (who can afford it), plus whatever unemployment is paying her useless boyfriend who doesn't want to get a job. Plus whatever her useless boyfriend is making by selling drugs.

But me having a job is a lifestyle? She's the one who goes to casinos, waterparks, concerts, etc. while we come out even with our bills and mortgage.

Look. I was diagnosed with BPD at 15 -- I'm 25 now and still carry the diagnosis, although it's been in remission since I grew out of being a teenager. (Go figure.) I have been through all the traditional treatments for BPD - DBT, CBT, numerous psych hospitalizations. I am more on the impulsive/self-destructive side than the unstable relationship side of BPD.

As someone with BPD who has been in a relationship with my husband for ten years now...I will tell you that you're not really helping anything by airing your dirty laundry here. If you want to talk, you either need to find a message board that is specific to your concerns (they exist, trust me) or try talking to an actual professional. However, it seems apparent to me that you have no interest in continuing a relationship with your fiancee. If your fiancee actually has BPD, the best way to end this relationship would be to break it off immediately and institute firm boundaries in regards to your separation. For someone who has shown quite an interest in BPD traits and habits, I find it disheartening that you would rather string along your fiancee and post all the OMG SCANDALOUS UPDATES!! here than do what all the book readin' tells you to do.

i think is difficult to compare a jailer position to a nursing position.

i gave the jailer reference solely cause it intrigued me, no prior background in being a jailer/jailor required. none.

Ohh for some reason I thought you were talking about prison nursing.

I'd assume that corrections probably has a high turnover rate.

just some FYI -

I had a booth at a job fair last week (I was looking for software developers)

and

had a chance to talk to the recruiter from the local city jail -

they pay 13 bucks/hour to start, some annual salary of 32K for 0 /ZERO years of experience, plus standard 'city employee benefits'

There's no formal training program, you go to work right away and mostly it's on-the-job training

and they do hire women for the women's portion of the jail.

I thought that to be amazing, for a job with no previous background in anything..

Benefits might be good but 13/hour for a RN position? Most hospital positions start around 21-25/hr with shift differentials for nights and weekends. Hell, my McNursingJob is 18/hr. And RN positions for jails and prisons are actually notorious for paying very well. Just sucks that they be rapin' everybody up in here.

Hannah - you could take the plunge, open a home health care agency yerself, in yer area - be a small business owner.

You might already qualify to open such a company, check in with yer state licensing agency.

Actually, if I had the money and the desire to work for myself (I don't! lol), I'd open up some Alzheimer's care homes. Did my geriatric clinical in one of these. Private homes that house 3-5 Alzheimer's patients. It's totally a cash-only service - medi won't reimburse and they don't take most forms of private insurance, either, but there's a two-year waiting list to get into one. Great care, beautiful surroundings, rich clients.

Agency nursing for new grads is a tough go----one is more expected to know their stuff and hit the ground running, as 1 gets very little to almost none orientation. Good way to loose one license! As you will learn, ur employer wont care, as ur just another #.

Actually, many of the agencies in my area offer new grad internships that are similar to what you'd find on a med-surg unit. It's still not hospital nursing -- but agencies that staff skilled nursing facilities and private duty care.

tallcoolone - medicaid units, hospice facilities, and skilled nursing facilities have to hire RNs. You're right, the majority of workers in your average nursing home are going to be CNAs or CMAs. But you'd be surprised at percentage of RN openings.

I can't move. My husband has a very good job here and we just bought a house. I don't, technically, have to work because we could live on his salary alone but I've discovered that being a SAHW is not my cup of tea at all. Thanks!

There's also agency nursing, prison nursing, working in long-term care/rehab/nursing homes, mental health nursing. I've shifted my job search focus to these areas -- the hospital jobs in my area for new grads have dried up. The only problem is that once you get into these areas of nursing, it can be difficult to shift into a hospital setting. Pay isn't as good, either, unless you go into prison nursing but that has its own hazards.

For what it's worth, I've been struggling to get my husband to do any housework for the last six of the seven years that we've lived together.

I think I've tried everything that has been suggested in this thread. Be patient. Be assertive. Make lists. Don't nag. Nag. Take away his things. Withhold sex. Reinforce when he does do something through praise or treats or sex. Adult conversations. Yelling. Crying. Like your husband, he will "shape up" and do stuff for a few days or even a week or two before it falls back into the same ol' pattern. Guilt seems to work the best -- the longest time that he actually pulled his weight around the house was after I caught him in an online/texting relationship with his WoW girlfriend.

Anyway, things are a bit different because you two have a child together. So you have to pull together to do some things. At least he's taking good care of the kid? I've completely separated "my chores" from his these days. I do my own laundry, wash my own dishes, and make my own food.

That IMO is one of the inherent problems/issues with the K-1. In reality, it allows an entrance to the US without any strings. Sure there is the requirement to get married within 90 days or self deport, but we have all seen the cases where once the immigrant arrives in the US they jump ship so to speak. The one time meeting and options for a co-sponsor make fraud even more of an issue. Granted with the CR-1, you still have those same issues, but there is at least a marriage involveved before the immigrant arrives in the US. But in that case, as we again have all seen, it isn't difficult for a scammer to "fake it" for a couple of years and then dump the person who brought them here. IMO the K-1 has more potential problems because even for the legitimate relationships, the immigrating person has a long period of being in limbo where they can't work or go to school (in many states) and instead of making social connections to help with the adjustment they are in a dead zone until the AOS.

Either way you go, the process is fraught with pitfalls and roadblocks.

You do realize that the "one time meeting and options for a co-sponsor" also apply to the CR-1, right? In fact, there are several countries that only allow co-sponsors with a CR-1.

My husband and I had a fairly "normal" relationship as far as international relationships go. Filing for a K1, we probably had *more* co-mingled involvement than many married couples, having lived together for several years prior to applying. We also had a co-sponsor.

I couldn't agree more with so many comments on here. I especially like the comment about relationships here based on lust. And so many of you said it...why on earth would you commit to be engaged to someone without going there and meeting them first. I also agree that the length of time a couple is required to be together should be much longer. There are so many fraud cases out there. In my case, I talked with my husband online for almost a year before I went to visit him. There were no talks of marriage or a visa. When I was there with him for almost a month, that's when talks of marriage began. But we both knew it would be a while longer before we were sure of that. I went again that following year and met his family...spending that time with him...what made me decide to do the K1 visa was not "could I live with this man for all my life?"...it was "could i live without him all my life?" I couldn't have made a better decision. The entire process took a long time...but it was time we both needed to realize what it means to be in love and appreciate our time together.

My husband and I lived for nearly three years together in the US (on a student visa) and had long-distance dated, with him coming to see me every nine weeks or so, for two years before that before we decided to get engaged. *I* think online dating for two years and then only knowing the guy in person for a month and a little bit more before getting engaged is absolutely rushing it.

My relationship process was better than your relationship process. So there!