Fandango

No one is blaming you for being abused. But the bottom line is, you alone bear the responsibility for continuing a petition for a man who physically abused you. That's not BLAME, but it is the truth. Your job, imo, is to figure out WHY you did that.
I must admit I read the abuse as having been prior to marriage. It was a bit vague. But ok, you were married when it started but it was before he came here.
No one is 'at fault' for being a victim/survivor of physical abuse....HOWEVER, you need to figure out how you rationalized it as being acceptable enough to get past it, and not immediately canceling his petition. We all tend to ignore warning signs...some more dire than others. This was a big one for you, and I believe your path should involve getting the root of how you were able to ignore this. For your own peace of mind, I suggest focusing on that so you don't repeat a similar pattern in future.
However, he didn't scam/assault/whatever you because he was from MENA. You're bootstrapping (imo) as way of dealing with this in a way that I don't think is fair to yourself, to truly be able to put this behind you. I see you clutching at straws....'I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, I converted, I did blah blah blah'. It's not formulaic...none of those reasons will help you really put this to bed and deal with it. It's not as if any of these listed reasons could or would justify what happened to you.
Again, I wish you well and I'm very sorry you had to go through this. I hope you can see that I'm not posting here to 'pile up' on you, rather to offer you another perspective, that I feel will *truly* help you on the road to healing.

As a general comment, religion should be a very personal and serious choice one makes with his/her God. It should never be about choosing a religion for your SO. It should never be about doing it for someone else...it's not like getting a new haircut to entice your husband.
I am sorry that this happened to you, my heart goes out to you. I would probably have never commented had your topic been as you stated in your OP 'this is not universal but this is my truth'...yet the posts are filled with multiple generalizations and just look at the title you chose. This is not the first time a topic like this has been on here, and I would suggest you think back to the you of yesterday, and imagine how receptive you would have been to reading something like this. It seems like your intentions are innocent...you're just trying to 'warn' people...but at the end of the day, it's NOT a universal truth of MENA. You're not Martin Bashir with some groundbreaking expose that's gonna blow US/MENA marriages 'wide open'.
I think if you want to help women, a universal truth definitely is that if a man physically abuses you, you should not marry him. There is no excuse for that, but that is not exclusive to MENA men. Or even if you want to focus on never losing yourself in a man, no matter what the nationality....by blindly adopting his views, by excusing reprehensible behavior with thoughts like 'oh it's cultural'. Many women have lost themselves to some degree to men, and there are many horror stories out there...and guess what? Not all those men are of MENA origin.
I wish you well.

idk brother. even if they did show a shotgun. he got off 8-9 shots & none were returned. then he fled the scene. the 8-9 vs 0 doesn't sound possible & he left the scene before the police arrived. it sounds like he was looking for a reason to use his weapon.

I just want to go on record that Lincoln is NOT my wife, nor have I ever slept naked with him.

Seriously...now he's brushing off getting caught as it being a joke. Classic.
It's like Napoleon Dynamites girlfriend who's a model...too funny.

Saw a tweet from some guy named Nick Surkamp (I have no idea who he is, I think he's an athlete). He said, "How cool would it be to live in a world where George Zimmerman offered Trayvon Martin a ride home to get him out of the rain that night?"
I just thought I'd share that. It's probably the most thoughtful thing I've read concerning this whole story.

I think sometimes couples can get so wrapped up in being angry at USCIS/the wait/the distance that they lose sight of other things. Like, the shared 'enemy' makes them closer, then when that's no longer in the picture, the couple may or may not be what the other had 'fantasized' about for so long. It's definitely a hard question you've asked, because I don't think that couples caught up in the process are really able to be completely objective about it. I especially think that it's harder when the couple has only met a handful of times, for a few weeks here and there.

Thank you! and yes! I was not suggesting the OP clear out the account, only take what is hers. I hope he hasn't already cleared it out... you never know. Working on the relationship is one thing, but he's completely controlling her. She needs to take back some of that control. It's her house too. It's her bank account too, her money too.. I don't understand why that person expects the OP to just lie down and take shitty treatment :S

Your constant use of CAPS are completely unnecessary.
Decent people do not kick people out of the house.
If he had the audacity to kick someone out of the house, then what's to say he would not take her money too?
She should remove her money from the bank as she has every right to.
If her name wasn't on the account, her checks would not get automatically deposited there so there's no reason she shouldn't take what is hers as soon as possible.
I do not advocate clearing out a bank account.
That's just plain dirty.

Yeah kids today are too lazy to commit violent crime. Maybe if they could snatch someones purse or rape someone remotely with their Iphone, we'd have a violent crime problem. Ahh the good ol days when you actually had to walk into a liquor store with a gun to get free money. Now you can just steal credit card numbers online.

You came in this thread making wild accusations and judging the OP to the point where you're being quite presumptuous with 'filling in the blanks' in the parts of their story that none of us know. Your posts display a textbook misogynistic view of women. You made your wild accusations, and when the OP came back to politely reply to you even though she told you you were being rude, you attacked her yet again and called her rude, which I find rich.
I'm not telling you what you can or can't say - what I did was tell you how rude and presumptuous you came across. I didn't call everyone rude, btw - just you.
There's no irony there.

You are not being direct, YOU are the one being rude, and truly going off on tangents which don't belong here. She said she didn't want to go after him for assets that she may be 'entitled' to but she feels aren't hers. She just wants what they agreed upon. You then went off about courts, how she's trying to be controlling, how she's created her own problems, how they have 'major underlying issues', and basically told her to suck it up and move on.
btw - Unless any of us know the ins and outs of her particular situation, know this couple personally, none of us is qualified to say 'you won't get a thing in court'.
Furthermore, the assertion that it's 'indeed the American way' to be friends with exes is dubious at best. Perhaps it is for YOU, but pls don't speak for all of the US. I'm American. I'm not friends with any of my exes. Unless a split was amicable, not very serious, etc...I see no reason to be friends with exes* (*Disclaimer: if the exes in question have a child, and the friendship is amicable in the best interests of co-parenting the child, then YES, that is perfectly acceptable, if not preferable) ....usually there are hurt and residual feelings somewhere, so I am of the notion that it's pointless to carry that further. Especially when both parties have married others. Even if there weren't hard feelings from my exes, I certainly wouldn't subject my husband to being in a position of having to be cordial and be friends with men who have shared my bed. No sir; that is not 'the American way' - that is rude, disrespectful, and quite an inconsiderate thing to do to a new spouse. ESPECIALLY to an immigrant spouse, who most probably already feels like a fish out of water.
But that's by the by really; what this woman described is NOT 'the American way' to be clearly hung up on someone to the point that it's ruined her marriage. It's certainly the 'Jerry Springer way' but for all of America? Nope.
Basically, this just smells odd...while I'm not tarring and feathering the guy, I do think the situation he's manifested is questionable. New wife to the ex gf's mother's house? No way. Sure, there are 3 sides to every story, but to blast this woman and say she's trying to control her husband is just lunacy at best. Who are you to tell her how her actions made him feel? Do you know either one of them? What 'huge, underlying issues' were in their relationship that you speak of? If you know this couple personally, then by all means, disclose that and I will retract my statements here.
Give her advice on how to proceed, sure....sit in judgment of her life and actions and form opinions without all the relevant facts? THAT'S rude. And stupid.
Then to top it off, she politely clarifies her post to you, and you call her rude. *smh*

There's nothing more than peace, love and happiness that I wish for Johnny...he's been through an awful awful situation and my heart goes out to him. Perhaps I am overly cautious...I don't agree that 'men are able to quit one and jump to another' at all...but that's by the by.
Can people be scammed by people in their backyard? Absolutely. But the ability is much greater when you're staring at a computer screen, or down a telephone line x000 miles away. People sometimes can see what they want to see ;and when someone is vulnerable, I don't think the best advice is to push him towards someone else. My comment was aimed more so at comments like 'sorry about your marriage, BUT this Miss Peru sounds like...' Those are two separate issues. Johnny, you do sound more rational than many that I've seen here on VJ through the years, and I applaud your moxy in dealing with this scammer swiftly.
Either way, Hopp....shame on YOU for applying your standards to me (see how that works?) see, we can do this all day long, but I'd rather not. My advice to Johnny still stands as my advice...agree, disagree, it's your choice and it doesn't matter either way. But I would honestly give this advice to my closest friend, so please don't make it out like I'm trying to bait here. And we can have a difference of opinion all day long, but my advice was born from sincerity and concern for the OP in such a vulnerable time. So I don't wish to get into some flame war here. Thanks.
Good luck Johnny.
edit for typos

I never understood, nor will I understand, the tendency for people to swing from one person to the other, like Tarzan through the jungle - needing to grab onto another when letting go of someone. I think this is horrible advice, and I think it's never a good idea. My advice to Johnny would be to heal, and take time and get closure on his marriage before bringing the baggage to another relationship.

You are certainly entitled to your own opinion. OP asked for opinions, and people gave theirs. You may disagree, but just as you have your opinion, realize everyone else has his/hers.

You can fight for someone til the cows come home, but if they don't want the same as you, you will be wasting your time.
But any time you do spend fighting will further your resolve if/when you realize you've wasted your time doing so.
This is your path, and only you know how you want to walk down it...no matter what you do, you'll hopefully wind up where you need to be.
Good luck.

I am going to come across as awful, but I must say it...if this woman was so horrible before your husband emigrated, how in the world did either one of you feel comfortable giving her custody? And how can you put any faith in her word?
And why is she on your Twitter?

Hi, congrats on your progress, but to be clear for others in a similar situation, 'needing someone out of the usa because you are financially responsible' is not adequate grounds for deportation.
Again, congrats!

-1 for total pettiness.
btw...that particular av is on VJ's own pack of preloaded avs to choose from.

If you really just sincerely 'changed your mind', I hope she can be successful with VAWA and an abandonment claim. That's really unkind to pluck her from her life, then leave her with no options.

Hrmm, entered illegally, breaking immigration law for 20 years, not paying taxes until now when it benefits him to do so, multiple arrests...sounds like a winner.
Sorry, I know I probably should withhold comments like this, but it's really such an insult to those who choose to do this process the legal and right way.

The only thing I admitted was that no one outright came out and said that his/her foreign spouse is merchandise. But hrmm...'put her on a plane home'...what does that mean to you? Come on now, you're being intentionally obtuse and argumentative for no reason. End of.
The only other thing I brought up was Happy Knappy's crappy advice....lip service isn't going to do a damn thing. This man needs PROOF of some sort if he's going to want to prove fraud.
So you can take your buzzwords like 'fallacy' and 'strawman' and your little fan club of misinformation givers and do what you will, because having a pizzing contest with you in someone's thread where his marriage is falling apart is wrong. You may not personally like me, or hell, you may just have a problem with women, who knows. So let's boil it down to the facts, and by all means...correct any misinformation I have given:
I said he needs proof of fraud instead of just allegations - TRUE AND RELEVANT
I said it's not as simple as 'putting her on a plane' - TRUE AND RELEVANT
I said that the i-1864 is not that easy to just 'take back' - TRUE AND RELEVANT.
Have a little more respect for the OP by not having a pizzing contest in his thread where he's tackling some REAL problems, yeah?
VJ sheesh.

Read this forum for years on end (even before it was created) to see posts which say 'put her/him on a plane' as if the person is chattel that can be returned. Of course no one has actually come out and literally said they are merchandise, but that's where reading comprehension comes into play. That's absolutely no straw man, and search for it yourself on here and see how many times it's offered up as a solution. It does not work that way.
Again, I said 'speaking generally' and pointed out the post 'send her home' or some such. Speaking specifically to this particular scenario, sending her home is not the answer 1- she already has a GC, and 2 - you can't force anyone onto a plane if (s)he doesn't want to. Especially the scammer, because (s)he usually knows his/her rights to get to a perm GC. OP asked what his req's were, btw...so mentioning the i 1864 is def relevant. You can't just 'take that back' because you felt you were scammed.
Why this should be debated is anyone's guess. *shrug*

Speaking generally here and not this case specific: I wish people would stop thinking this way...she's not some merchandise you can just discard when you no longer want it. I'm not taking sides in this fight between husband and wife, it's the concept of 'put her on a plane' that I have serious issues with. Petitioners need to know that it is NOT THAT SIMPLE. You brought this person here, whether it was being duped on your part or not. As far as the I-1864, you are ON THE HOOK for 40 quarters of work (which IS NOT ALWAYS 10 years from the start), until you die, the bene dies, or bene gets citizenship. People need to seriously remember what they sign.
Off on a tangent for another sec: it's funny how I see people complaining bout the processing times ('the gov't is standing in the way of my rights to happiness!) and then when it goes pear shaped, it's 'oooh, let's call ICE to so they can help me get out of this mess by deporting her'
I look at it this way: you asked Mommy and Daddy (the govt) for a puppy. You made all sorts of promises how you were gonna walk the puppy daily, feed it, play with it, etc. You got the puppy! Now, for one reason or another, you and the puppy are not gelling. It's not a case of throwing the puppy in the street....you made the case to get the puppy here, now you need to deal with it.
Oh, and Hopp? In this particular case, she has her GC, so 'flying her home asap' would do nothing more than give her a holiday with her family.

I am absolutely gobsmacked reading this thread. I also have reached my max # of +1s about 3/4 of the way through.
Darren, I'm going to take what everyone's said here one step further. I think what you've done to this poor girl should be criminal. You lured her here under extremely false pretenses. You yanked her away from everything she knows into a life she wasn't expecting. You got to play the hero man, and I'm sure you lapped up all the accolades and feeling like a big shot while you were doing it. You spent more than you have, yet you blame them for not telling you it was 'too much'. #######.
Gretchen's mother holds grudges with her family when they don't send money. Have you given any thought to whether or not 'mama' will hold a grudge against her as well? For your own selfish needs, you are systematically destroying a young girl's life. It's awful. You threw 'all this money' ($4k is a pittance imo) around, and now have her firmly away from her parents, on foreign soil...she's young, impressionable, shy...and you've brought her home to a man more than twice her age, who's broke, with no way to get money home to her family AS PROMISED, you're creating a domestic situation with her extended family/'mama' which you have no business being a part of, you've reneged on promises you've made to her family, and you won't even LET her work to send it herself.
Did you honestly kid yourself to believe that Gretchen's feelings for you had absolutely nothing to do with a financial benefit? To what extent is unknown, but don't fool yourself to think it had no effect whatsoever.
How the hell does any grown adult spend all this money, take time off from work, for an unnecessary trip to play big shot, when you have less than $20 in the bank?????? YOU want to teach HER about budgeting? Who's going to teach YOU?
Then you talk of having kids with her! Lock her down nice and tight, eh? Btw, why is your ex bringing you back into court? Presumably, you and the ex have children together and you're not meeting your financial obligations? omG please tell me I'm wrong on this inference. Please tell me your kids didn't go without so you can play big shot and buy a child bride and bring her into poverty.
I'm not even going to get into the 'I control you' bollocks because I am literally sick to my stomach.
You've completely pulled off the bait n switch. van with the 'free candy' sign has wilted broccoli inside. I hope when the time comes, Gretchen pulls off a successful VAWA.