how to best use the 90 days prior to marriage k-1

[freecake 0]

mmm yeah, I sort of agree with the OPs advice for SOME people, as we have seen cases of fraud on this site... but I'm certain it's not valid advice to all of us.

[AmericanGentleman 0]

Well said Mox....the only time your should spy on your fiance is when she is taking a shower! ~^..^~ And even then, it should be with her knowledge that your doing it tee hee

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

I never said the 90 days was a get to know time.... Ive known her over a year...

I think its a good time to double check thats all

I had a very bad experience in the past and am given to moments of paranoia at times

hence the key logger statement, which was one of those things i might say but not do..

im sure no one else has ever said something that they didnt actually intend to do...

I am not going into the gory details of my bad k-1 experience, but I will relate

the story of a fellow here that I know.. His story is a little worse than mine..

His wife had their baby and then took off without notice back to her home country

never to be seen again... seems she just wanted an american baby.. nice ....

leaving behind heartbroken grandparents and father... and he didnt see it coming..

neither did I.. but I wasnt looking either.. I wish I didnt have trust issues, its not fun.

how do you trust completely when you are totally decieved? I dont know.

Let's be clear here: the 90 days is not a get to know you time.

If you need that time to get to know your fiance, you shouldn't have petitioned yet!

There's nothing wrong with the 90 days being a "get to know if your fiance is going to be able to adapt to a new life" period. Some people simply can't do it, as much as they love their partner. It's heartbreaking, but it's better to find out before signing papers than after.

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

This conversation has NEVER been about giving the partner the 'opportunity to adjust'. This is about people thinking it's ok to treat their fiancees like chattel. To scrutinize them from the second they get here to 'make sure' the USC is not going to get 'burned'. It's deplorable to think that way IMO....especially AFTER the fiancee has given up EVERYTHING to get here.

I can't speak for the OP. I agree that scrutinizing your partner, especially outright spying on them, is one of the worst ways to start a relationship.

However, I think we keep talking past each other. So let me wave the white flag and try this again:

As I mentioned previously, my move to the UK was about as easy a transition to another country a person could ever hope to make. I spent 3 wonderful years there, and if I could go back I would do it in a heartbeat. On the other hand, when I moved to Saudi Arabia, it was like moving to another planet. Nothing could have prepared me for it, and I wound up staying for much less time than I had previously thought. It was just too much of a cultural shift for me. It wasn't just the language, it was pretty much *everything.* (And being an atheist, I wasn't real enamored with a lot of the fundamental decisions that were forced on people, especially women.)

So this is where I'm coming from. If you're from the UK or Canada, your transition to the US is going to be much easier than if you're from Cambodia or Egypt. It's nice to think that love is the only thing we need, but that's just not the case. Russians, for example, are brought up in social circles called a "mir," that they depend on from birth to death, especially if you come from a rural community like my fiance. We really don't have anything like that here in the US, except maybe the Amish communities, and that's not really an apt comparison either. It's not necessarily a physical community, but more of a very tightly knit social network. When they're pulled out of that social structure, it's like losing an appendage. Other cultures, especially Asian and Middle Eastern, have even stronger bonds.

My fiance comes from a rural community. Her family is very important to her. The fact that she's decided to pull up stakes and move 6,000 miles away from everything she knows is an incredible testament to how strong our relationship is. So given that, I like to think that my fiance and I will be happy together for the rest of our lives. I mean, duh, that's why I'm going through this whole agonizing process. But I have to be realistic too, and look at what I'm asking her to give up. It possible, although improbable, that she won't be able to do it. I wish the K1 gave us more time, but I plan on using most of those 90 days to give her as much opportunity as I can to make sure this is the life she wants to live. I am extremely confident that she will choose to stay, but if I didn't give her that opportunity I would feel as if I were being selfish.

And I'm confident that if I were to explain what I just said to an immigration officer at an interview, we would be approved.

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

hmm and that would be why I have paid thousands of dollars in medical care for her parents ?

im a real heartless ####### for sure.

But to imply that somebody must not love or is not dedicated to their partner because they're going to give their partner the opportunity to adjust is at best naive, and at worst mean spirited.

Talk about taking out of context! hahahahaha

This conversation has NEVER been about giving the partner the 'opportunity to adjust'. This is about people thinking it's ok to treat their fiancees like chattel. To scrutinize them from the second they get here to 'make sure' the USC is not going to get 'burned'. It's deplorable to think that way IMO....especially AFTER the fiancee has given up EVERYTHING to get here.

I said this all yesterday.

But ok, b@lls to the wall time...and I'm never one to mince words so I'll say this: any USC who treats his/her partner like this....like the OP has suggested....is NOT dedicated to his/her partner...more dedicated to getting what they 'ordered'. Any person who doesn't treat his/her partner with the respect that (s)he deserves as ANY HUMAN BEING DESERVES...any person that can JUSTIFY a 'little bit of privacy invasion'....is a sad pathetic & broken excuse for a person and needs a therapist, not a spouse.

[LoriLawless 1]

Sorry you had a bad experience, and you're right, some people will come here by any means possible, even if that's deceiving someone in the process.

However, I wouldn't be giving advice that I wouldn't take myself IE, monitoring someone's email. That's just wrong on every level. The way you posted that, made you look like you condoned it.

After what you went through, it's natural to have trusting issues, but don't let one bad egg spoil the bunch. You have to get back on the horse after a fall, or you'll never have a good relationship with anyone now or in the future.

The bottom line of your original post though, you said to use the 90 days to "monitor, look for signs" etc.

What I am saying, is that 90 days isn't really going to make a difference in the scheme of things, and that's not what that amount of time should be used for. You should be looking for signs and all of that before you even consider filing for the K1.

[Fandango 1,440]

This conversation has NEVER been about giving the partner the 'opportunity to adjust'. This is about people thinking it's ok to treat their fiancees like chattel. To scrutinize them from the second they get here to 'make sure' the USC is not going to get 'burned'. It's deplorable to think that way IMO....especially AFTER the fiancee has given up EVERYTHING to get here.

I can't speak for the OP. I agree that scrutinizing your partner, especially outright spying on them, is one of the worst ways to start a relationship.

However, I think we keep talking past each other. So let me wave the white flag and try this again:

As I mentioned previously, my move to the UK was about as easy a transition to another country a person could ever hope to make. I spent 3 wonderful years there, and if I could go back I would do it in a heartbeat. On the other hand, when I moved to Saudi Arabia, it was like moving to another planet. Nothing could have prepared me for it, and I wound up staying for much less time than I had previously thought. It was just too much of a cultural shift for me. It wasn't just the language, it was pretty much *everything.* (And being an atheist, I wasn't real enamored with a lot of the fundamental decisions that were forced on people, especially women.)

So this is where I'm coming from. If you're from the UK or Canada, your transition to the US is going to be much easier than if you're from Cambodia or Egypt. It's nice to think that love is the only thing we need, but that's just not the case. Russians, for example, are brought up in social circles called a "mir," that they depend on from birth to death, especially if you come from a rural community like my fiance. We really don't have anything like that here in the US, except maybe the Amish communities, and that's not really an apt comparison either. It's not necessarily a physical community, but more of a very tightly knit social network. When they're pulled out of that social structure, it's like losing an appendage. Other cultures, especially Asian and Middle Eastern, have even stronger bonds.

My fiance comes from a rural community. Her family is very important to her. The fact that she's decided to pull up stakes and move 6,000 miles away from everything she knows is an incredible testament to how strong our relationship is. So given that, I like to think that my fiance and I will be happy together for the rest of our lives. I mean, duh, that's why I'm going through this whole agonizing process. But I have to be realistic too, and look at what I'm asking her to give up. It possible, although improbable, that she won't be able to do it. I wish the K1 gave us more time, but I plan on using most of those 90 days to give her as much opportunity as I can to make sure this is the life she wants to live. I am extremely confident that she will choose to stay, but if I didn't give her that opportunity I would feel as if I were being selfish.

And I'm confident that if I were to explain what I just said to an immigration officer at an interview, we would be approved.

You and I are clearly talking about two different things.

No one's making anyone stay despite their wishes.....I mean there's nothing to stop any foreign spouse from returning to his/her country. 90 days, 180 days...it's all immaterial imo when it comes to 'adjustment time'. Some adjustments don't actually come until the foreign spouse gets the greencard/work permit/AP....til they start feeling like less of a prisoner & start feeling more self-reliant. Delaying the marriage to 'test the waters' is selfish and quite cowardly, I'm afraid....because regardless of whether the fiance totally adjusts or not....it's not going to be done and dusted in 90 or 180 days. And they showed their detrimental reliance....reliance on the promise to marry to their detriment by giving up everything they know....so the LEAST anyone can do is make good on the promise. If the marriage doesn't work out later because of a failure to adjust....well, that's nothing like what the OP is afraid of, is it?

Futhermore, it's really silly to think that 1-89 days is going to suss any adjustment issues. If both parties are committed to make it work, I should hope that 89 days is not the threshold to do a runner.

I understand UK/Canada/et al are different...but there ARE adjustment issues even there. It's not all a cake walk there either....for instance...I lived there for 3 years and there were adjustment issues that we dealt with for quite some time. . Those issues didn't make me any less committed to my partner....and I certainly wouldn't have appreciated him coming from the standpoint of 'We'll give it the max time to marry until I can be sure you are going to adjust well here cos I don't want the added hassle of getting a divorce'

And going back to the self-reliance thing...my own adjustment issues started to subside the day I rode the bus by myself for the first time.

When our SOs get here...it's a ticker counting down. And the time we waste on the front end could mean everything. That AOS should be going in ASAP. Our SOs are essentially twisting in the wind without GCs, so the sooner they get them, the better!

[Fandango 1,440]

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

Wow, to get a fiance who looks down on her whole way of life as worthless!

hmm and that would be why I have paid thousands of dollars in medical care for her parents ?

im a real heartless ####### for sure.

But to imply that somebody must not love or is not dedicated to their partner because they're going to give their partner the opportunity to adjust is at best naive, and at worst mean spirited.

Talk about taking out of context! hahahahaha

This conversation has NEVER been about giving the partner the 'opportunity to adjust'. This is about people thinking it's ok to treat their fiancees like chattel. To scrutinize them from the second they get here to 'make sure' the USC is not going to get 'burned'. It's deplorable to think that way IMO....especially AFTER the fiancee has given up EVERYTHING to get here.

I said this all yesterday.

But ok, b@lls to the wall time...and I'm never one to mince words so I'll say this: any USC who treats his/her partner like this....like the OP has suggested....is NOT dedicated to his/her partner...more dedicated to getting what they 'ordered'. Any person who doesn't treat his/her partner with the respect that (s)he deserves as ANY HUMAN BEING DESERVES...any person that can JUSTIFY a 'little bit of privacy invasion'....is a sad pathetic & broken excuse for a person and needs a therapist, not a spouse.

So you've bought and paid for the right to invade her privacy? That's interesting!

[Zee Bee 61]

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

I disagree.

Yes, there are some people who just want to get here and will do whatever to get here.

But then there are those who are giving up a lot. Just because someone comes from a poor country does not mean that they want to leave. There are those who want to stay in their country to try and change it for the better. Those who have seen or know someone who has come here, seen their transition and they do not want to go through that.

Be careful about lumping people from "poor" countries together. My fiance and I had this argument more times than I care to count because he was adamant about staying in Ghana. He didn't want to come here. He has family, friends, a job etc. Is that not enough to give up?

So are you saying that only poor people are desperate to come here? Or that only poor people are scammers? There are too many stories of doctors, nurses, engineers and other professionals who do the exact same thing. People who were living quite comfortably and just wanted a ticket to America.

No matter where the fiance(e) is coming from they are giving up something. I don't think it is fair to say that just because they are coming from a poor country that their value is any less than someone coming from a "rich" country.

We are all not the same. What is true in your case is not true for everyone else.

[nivesito 0]

there are many foreign fiances that arent giving up much... and they will do and say anything to get here..

thats just the truth.. most of the people on this forum wont have this problem..

No comment.....unbeliveable

[archie07 0]

I never said the 90 days was a get to know time.... Ive known her over a year...

I think its a good time to double check thats all

I had a very bad experience in the past and am given to moments of paranoia at times

hence the key logger statement, which was one of those things i might say but not do..

im sure no one else has ever said something that they didnt actually intend to do...

I am not going into the gory details of my bad k-1 experience, but I will relate

the story of a fellow here that I know.. His story is a little worse than mine..

His wife had their baby and then took off without notice back to her home country

never to be seen again... seems she just wanted an american baby.. nice ....

leaving behind heartbroken grandparents and father... and he didnt see it coming..

neither did I.. but I wasnt looking either.. I wish I didnt have trust issues, its not fun.

how do you trust completely when you are totally decieved? I dont know.

Let's be clear here: the 90 days is not a get to know you time.

If you need that time to get to know your fiance, you shouldn't have petitioned yet!

There's nothing wrong with the 90 days being a "get to know if your fiance is going to be able to adapt to a new life" period. Some people simply can't do it, as much as they love their partner. It's heartbreaking, but it's better to find out before signing papers than after.

Something is wrong with this story. She did not need to come to the united states to have an american baby. A week in manila would have solved that issue.

[Fandango 1,440]

Good catch, Archie!

[LoriLawless 1]

Great point!

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

you have more issues than i do lisa

we could split the bill for the psychiatrist

Good catch, Archie!

[Seattle2Cebu 0]

going through Manila Philippines Cebu is in the Visayas

for those of you who seem to think the foreign fiance is giving up everything...

lets see what are they giving up? some fiances are coming from poor nations... they are giving

up incredibly low pay, bad housing, etc etc etc to make the terrible sacrifice to come to america.

geez.. thats a tough one.

Your timeline says you're going through Armenia. There used to be a day that Eastern Europeans were trying desperately to get out of their countries and to the west. Not because of "low pay, bad housing, etc" but because of the political and social climate. Those days are mostly behind us, although not completely gone. In any case, Eastern Europeans and Russians are no longer trying to leave their country en masse, and wages and quality of life are better than they've ever been. Certainly not up to American standards, but much better than they were even 10 years ago. Many a Western man has made the mistake that he is somehow "rescuing" a pretty young thing from a life of poverty and hard work in the potato fields or factories. The facts couldn't be more different.

Your lady probably carries a cell phone. She might even have an iPod or mp3 player. She probably has a relatively decent job which affords her an apartment (possibly shared), a telephone, a television, and maybe even internet access in her home, or at least the discretionary income to afford to hit the local internet cafe a few times or more during the week. She probably hits the local disco on Friday nights, and is able to afford the odd shopping trip for a pair of shoes or some nice clothes. Compared to her parents, she is extremely well off.

In short, your fiance very likely does not *need* you. She loves you, she wants to be with you, and she is willing to give up her life to be with you. But don't make the mistake of thinking that you are rescuing her, because not only will she be insulted by that notion, but you'll be in for a rude awakening.

And even if you found the rare girl who does live in poverty and yet still managed to hook up with you, you're completely discounting family and social ties. Your girl has known her parents and aunts/uncles/brothers/sisters/etc a heckuva lot longer than she's known you. Believe it or not, the choice between poverty and a life in America away from family really is a tough decision for many people. If you think you're doing her a favor by bringing her here, you should think again. She's coming here for you, not a green card.