Religion

[britbird 4]

Hopefully he'll be able to see that, though it would help if you were willing to be a participant in his religious based activities (and Christmas is a really easy one to get involved with!)

I think she already said she would....

Doh! My bad, I apologize.

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

i just wanted to keep everyone posted and say that we talked it through tonight...everything is ok and we reached a compromise

i guess every relationship is different, but i know that when i am very angry about something it is impossible to see things clearly, i know that goes for my fiance as well...we need to leave it alone for a little while and come back to it later when we can logically talk things through...i guess thats just how people are

well im feeling great now, and he knows that he cannot change me...i told him that i will go to church on holidays and tell his parents that yes, im catholic, but with him i will only speak the truth of how i feel...i know that its not the perfect situation, but its reality...when i say 'yes, im catholic' to his parents, in my head that will translate to mean 'yes, i was raised catholic'...which is really what i think they mean when they say that anyways

i think i got through to him when i told him to stop believing in everything (his religion) right now (basically telling him to do the same thing that he told me to do)...i said 'can you do that?' he said 'no, no i cant'....and i said 'ALLORA (i dont know what that translates to in english...but its sorta like 'aha' or 'well then'), neither can i'

boys have trouble with empathy

we must walk them through

[Sister Fracas 5]

i just wanted to keep everyone posted and say that we talked it through tonight...everything is ok and we reached a compromise

glad to hear you are working through this and talking....

[one...two...tree 2,762]

i just wanted to keep everyone posted and say that we talked it through tonight...everything is ok and we reached a compromise

i guess every relationship is different, but i know that when i am very angry about something it is impossible to see things clearly, i know that goes for my fiance as well...we need to leave it alone for a little while and come back to it later when we can logically talk things through...i guess thats just how people are

well im feeling great now, and he knows that he cannot change me...i told him that i will go to church on holidays and tell his parents that yes, im catholic, but with him i will only speak the truth of how i feel...i know that its not the perfect situation, but its reality...when i say 'yes, im catholic' to his parents, in my head that will translate to mean 'yes, i was raised catholic'...which is really what i think they mean when they say that anyways

i think i got through to him when i told him to stop believing in everything (his religion) right now (basically telling him to do the same thing that he told me to do)...i said 'can you do that?' he said 'no, no i cant'....and i said 'ALLORA (i dont know what that translates to in english...but its sorta like 'aha' or 'well then'), neither can i'

boys have trouble with empathy

we must walk them through

Good compromise. It sounds like more a cultural barrier than a religious one. Glad you both worked through it.

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

It sounds like more a cultural barrier than a religious one.

agreed, and thanks for the support guys!

[foxtobee 1]

I was raised Catholic myself and put through Catholic School for 13 years (including Kindergarten), but I realized many years ago that it was not the religion for me and have since "converted" to a more appropriate faith that matches my personal belief system. I, too, have strong personal beliefs and don't believe in organized religion.

I've dated several men of different belief systems and with all of them it has always been an open-ended situation where we could discuss our differing beliefs without them becoming a factor in our relationship. To me it is a BIG red flag if a man insists that I belong to his religion if I want to be with him or refuses to accept my beliefs as valid, especially if this is because of his family. A man should put his spouse first and his family second. My question to you would be, if he can't respect your personal beliefs and insists that you change them, what else about yourself will he decide he can't respect and insist that you change? Is this going to escalate into a need for him to be controlling you and your opinions/beliefs/thoughts? Is he in love with the real you, with the person you are, or is he instead in love with the person he thinks he can make you become?

I hate to say it, but if he won't accept you as you are and respect your beliefs, you might want to reconsider this relationship.

Respect is the main basis for a succesful marriage, as is trust. I am happy that my husband and I share the samefaith, it makes thing way less complicated.

[waiting-sux 0]

This is very interesting to me as my husband claims that nobody in Albania is religious!!! It was outlawed in the 60s when they were communist and only in the early 90s was it allowed again. I ask my husband if they were Christain or Muslim before and he always says they are nothing and that nobody in Albania is religious. In the official statistics of Albania 70% are Muslim and most are in the Northern Region. If your fiance is from there his family might feel like they are the minority and feel they need to profess their faith even more.

Maybe your fiance's family held on to their religion during this trying time so they really fell passionate about it. If you are already the same relgion as him I do not see a major problem. If it isn't going against what you believe then you have to decide how much you are willing to give. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM!!!! Is religion something you are willing to compromise on? If so, compromise and get on with it. If not, then end it now. You will have more challenges then you can imagine as you marry into a different culture and you need to decide if your love is worth it. I know my has been a major challenge and in the beginning with him here I was ready to call it quits, but we fought through and it just gets better every day, but it is hard. Marriage is hard when you have the same background, it is doubly hard when you came from different cultures.

Good luck

yea, i kinda feel like he uses religion to identify himself with others...like a brotherhood kind of thing...its sort of weird but thats how i think of it...because i know hes not religious, he doesnt go to church, say prayers, etc yet he insists that hes catholic and that its very important to him...so i think it has to be somewhat due to the history of albania...also i feel like they see a stark difference between them and the muslim majority (for whatever reason), so they cling to their catholic identity in order to distinguish themselves...like, 'oh youre not muslim, then youre catholic or orthodox'...there's no third option outside of this little box'...

so weird to me that he told me he has never met someone who doesnt have a religion...very odd now that i hear what your husband has said

the brotherhood thing is unlikely. You are whatever your family is; you cannot (or 99.999999999% don't) shop religions like people do here. So, he is a Catholic even though he doesn't go to church and probably was not baptized.

There is no difference to make one cling to a Catholic identity. At least not for most people; they're Albanian first, second and third. Religion is way down the list. And no one asks each other in Albania what religion they are; it just doesn't matter, and it will get you very, very strange looks (unless you're a foreigner). It may seem odd but that's how it is. The behavior and expectations are based on Albanian traditions and customs, not in the church or Koran.

Lastly, you will not change him. That much I can guarantee.

Edited November 5, 2007 by waiting-sux

[JohnK 0]

Glad you were able to come to some sort of compromise.

I just wonder who he wants to be married to, you or his family? It sounds ludicrous for him to want you to portray yourself a certain way to his family when even he apparently doesn't hold strong beliefs himself.

Personally I'd tell him to grow some balls and stick up for you and your personal beliefs to his family, and if they didn't like it then tough.

Just my < $.02 worth.