Religion

[AtlantiCat 0]

I was raised Catholic myself and put through Catholic School for 13 years (including Kindergarten), but I realized many years ago that it was not the religion for me and have since "converted" to a more appropriate faith that matches my personal belief system. I, too, have strong personal beliefs and don't believe in organized religion.

I've dated several men of different belief systems and with all of them it has always been an open-ended situation where we could discuss our differing beliefs without them becoming a factor in our relationship. To me it is a BIG red flag if a man insists that I belong to his religion if I want to be with him or refuses to accept my beliefs as valid, especially if this is because of his family. A man should put his spouse first and his family second. My question to you would be, if he can't respect your personal beliefs and insists that you change them, what else about yourself will he decide he can't respect and insist that you change? Is this going to escalate into a need for him to be controlling you and your opinions/beliefs/thoughts? Is he in love with the real you, with the person you are, or is he instead in love with the person he thinks he can make you become?

I hate to say it, but if he won't accept you as you are and respect your beliefs, you might want to reconsider this relationship.

[Natsman 0]

my fiance and his family are catholic....my family is also catholic, but i do not claim to have a religion...i dont believe in organized religion

to my fiance, it is a very big deal that i say that i am catholic, and that i mean it

he told me that he wouldnt bring me to his parents house on christmas, because it would be fake...

question 1: why is it such a freaking big deal?!?!?!!?

question 2: any advice?

It is a big deal because from your fiance's perspective, saying that you are catholic and meaning it is a big deal.

You feel strongly against religion; whereas he is strongly for it... He doesn't want to bring you to his family on religious occasions. To some people, religion is very very important. To some people, they don't care. And there are a lot of people in between those two extremes.

Since you both feel so strongly about this issue, you need to either compromise, agree to disagree, or part ways... My advice is to come to a decision about how important reaching an understanding about this issue is as compared to how important your relationship is.

Best of luck!

"You feel strongly against religion; whereas he is strongly for it"

She did not say she is against religion but she respects it. She is just not religious, which could be due to her childhood (which is a VERY strong influence on whether you end up being religious or not). This is a "If you are not with us you are against us" attitude.

[Creel 0]

This is very interesting to me as my husband claims that nobody in Albania is religious!!! It was outlawed in the 60s when they were communist and only in the early 90s was it allowed again. I ask my husband if they were Christain or Muslim before and he always says they are nothing and that nobody in Albania is religious. In the official statistics of Albania 70% are Muslim and most are in the Northern Region. If your fiance is from there his family might feel like they are the minority and feel they need to profess their faith even more.

Maybe your fiance's family held on to their religion during this trying time so they really fell passionate about it. If you are already the same relgion as him I do not see a major problem. If it isn't going against what you believe then you have to decide how much you are willing to give. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM!!!! Is religion something you are willing to compromise on? If so, compromise and get on with it. If not, then end it now. You will have more challenges then you can imagine as you marry into a different culture and you need to decide if your love is worth it. I know my has been a major challenge and in the beginning with him here I was ready to call it quits, but we fought through and it just gets better every day, but it is hard. Marriage is hard when you have the same background, it is doubly hard when you came from different cultures.

Good luck

[Logres 0]

my hubby is Catholic and I am Christian (although I have kind of gotten of the beaten track here for awhile )...

Catholics are Christians.

[Scott & Lai 12]

my hubby is Catholic and I am Christian (although I have kind of gotten of the beaten track here for awhile )...

Catholics are Christians.

I'd thought about mentioning that myself...

[AtlantiCat 0]

my hubby is Catholic and I am Christian (although I have kind of gotten of the beaten track here for awhile )...

Catholics are Christians.

All Catholics are Christians but not all Christians are Catholic. She probably meant that she's a non-Catholic Christian. There can be quite a schism between Protestant or Orthodox Christians and Catholic Christians, which can lead to issues in relationships if only one partner is Catholic.

[Caladan 19]

Right, but nearly every Catholic has had to deal with someone insisting that they're not REALLY Christian like their megachurch is.

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

This is very interesting to me as my husband claims that nobody in Albania is religious!!! It was outlawed in the 60s when they were communist and only in the early 90s was it allowed again. I ask my husband if they were Christain or Muslim before and he always says they are nothing and that nobody in Albania is religious. In the official statistics of Albania 70% are Muslim and most are in the Northern Region. If your fiance is from there his family might feel like they are the minority and feel they need to profess their faith even more.

Maybe your fiance's family held on to their religion during this trying time so they really fell passionate about it. If you are already the same relgion as him I do not see a major problem. If it isn't going against what you believe then you have to decide how much you are willing to give. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM!!!! Is religion something you are willing to compromise on? If so, compromise and get on with it. If not, then end it now. You will have more challenges then you can imagine as you marry into a different culture and you need to decide if your love is worth it. I know my has been a major challenge and in the beginning with him here I was ready to call it quits, but we fought through and it just gets better every day, but it is hard. Marriage is hard when you have the same background, it is doubly hard when you came from different cultures.

Good luck

yea, i kinda feel like he uses religion to identify himself with others...like a brotherhood kind of thing...its sort of weird but thats how i think of it...because i know hes not religious, he doesnt go to church, say prayers, etc yet he insists that hes catholic and that its very important to him...so i think it has to be somewhat due to the history of albania...also i feel like they see a stark difference between them and the muslim majority (for whatever reason), so they cling to their catholic identity in order to distinguish themselves...like, 'oh youre not muslim, then youre catholic or orthodox'...there's no third option outside of this little box'...

so weird to me that he told me he has never met someone who doesnt have a religion...very odd now that i hear what your husband has said

[Sister Fracas 5]

yea, i kinda feel like he uses religion to identify himself with others...like a brotherhood kind of thing...its sort of weird but thats how i think of it...because i know hes not religious, he doesnt go to church, say prayers, etc yet he insists that hes catholic and that its very important to him...

so in other words, he's the one who is being a tad fake, yet claiming that's what you'd be doing by going to his family's house for Christmas... oi!

Right, but nearly every Catholic has had to deal with someone insisting that they're not REALLY Christian like their megachurch is.

yup!

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

so in other words, he's the one who is being a tad fake, yet claiming that's what you'd be doing by going to his family's house for Christmas... oi!

correct....thus the large part of the reason why i am so angered and confused...hopefully he will stop being so unreasonable and we can work something out...i cant see him refusing this forever

[britbird 4]

You need to figure this one out before your relationship goes much further, and certainly before you have kids. One of the major divorce/custody battlefields is religion based (check out zummo v zummo if you want to read a case that highlights one of them - in that case a catholic parent v a jewish parent).

As for not spending Christmas with the family, I say you can still celebrate someone's faith without being of that faith yourself. I've spent Passover and Hannukah with my Jewish friends in the past, and their families have welcomed me in with open arms, fully knowing that I am not of that faith. True faith is all about acceptance, and that means acceptance of people who share your faith, and those that do not.

Hopefully he'll be able to see that, though it would help if you were willing to be a participant in his religious based activities (and Christmas is a really easy one to get involved with!)

[AtlantiCat 0]

Right, but nearly every Catholic has had to deal with someone insisting that they're not REALLY Christian like their megachurch is.

And the non-Catholics have had to deal with the Catholics telling them the same thing. It's a vicious cycle.

It's also why I'm no longer either Catholic or Christian.

[Mononoke28 137]

I agree, you need to figure this out before you get married and start having kids, if that is something you want. I'm also a Catholic, go to church every Sunday, pray my rosary every day but it's something I do because I like it. My husband could care less and that's ok with me. We did have THE TALK about religion and children before we got married and agreed to bring them up Catholic until they were old enough to choose for themselves. It's all about compromise.

Good luck with everything!

Diana

[BabyBlueSusie 1]

Hopefully he'll be able to see that, though it would help if you were willing to be a participant in his religious based activities (and Christmas is a really easy one to get involved with!)

i am very willing to do so, and have told him that...i spend christmas every year with my family and its never an issue...why should it be any different with his family? i want to be there for christmas

[Sister Fracas 5]

Hopefully he'll be able to see that, though it would help if you were willing to be a participant in his religious based activities (and Christmas is a really easy one to get involved with!)

I think she already said she would....